Have You Had Enough With The Winter Gray Days ???

I'm noticing as winter drags on, more and more people seem crabbier than usual, whether it's on the phone or in a grocery store line ... sort of the way they do in late August when we have all had "enough of the hot" already ... People who are normally friendly seem to have an edge and they're just not themselves.  Even close friends and family seem a little blue and more anxious.

I find myself feeling the blahs myself so I am not pointing fingers at anyone without acknowledging my own place in the "enough already with the gray days" boat.  When our energy is low and we're feeling bored and blah, it's easy to be a little touchier than usual.  I know it with my head, but I really have to work on my own attitude and the way I react or overreact to others.  Maybe, you have to work on your attitude too?  Maybe, you are one of those who just let 'er rip, thinking that if you feel bad, everyone else may as well feel bad too?  We all react differently to gray, blah days.  Some find and spread a little sunshine.  Some round up the clouds and make a little rain.  Depending on the day and the circumstances, I have been capable of spreading sunshine or spreading rain.  Today, I'm choosing to find some sunshine!

The past few days, I have talked to a LOT of rainmakers ... and I felt myself getting pulled into their thunderclouds.  It took real effort not to give back what they were dishing out!

Today, I got an email from the Daily OM that described EXACTLY what I'd been feeling ... Maybe, it will speak to you too? 


Choosing Not To Be A Target

Hurtful confrontations often leave us feeling drained and confused. When someone attacks us emotionally, we may wonder what we did to rouse their anger, and we take their actions personally. We may ask ourselves what we could have done to compel them to behave or speak that way toward us. It's important to remember that there are no real targets in an emotional attack and that it is usually a way for the attacker to redirect their uncomfortable feelings away from themselves. When people are overcome by strong emotions, like hurt or anguish, they may see themselves as victims and lash out at others as a means of protection or to make themselves feel better. You may be able to shield yourself from an emotional attack by not taking the behavior personally. First, however, it is good to cultivate a state of detachment that can provide you with some protection from the person who is attacking you. This will allow you to feel compassion for this person and remember that their behavior isn't as much about you as it is about their need to vent their emotions.

If you have difficulty remaining unaffected by someone's behavior, take a moment to breathe deeply and remind yourself that you didn't do anything wrong, and you aren't responsible for people's feelings. If you can see that this person is indirectly expressing a need to you-whether they are reaching out for help or wanting to be heard-you may be able to diffuse the attack by getting them to talk about what is really bothering them.

You cannot control other people's emotions, but you can control your own. If you sense yourself responding to their negativity, try not to let yourself. Keep your heart open to them, and they may let go of their defensiveness and yield to your compassion and openness.


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The Daily OM isn't everybody's cup of tea but more times than not, it speaks to me, reminds me of what I need to be doing or just affirms what I am already committed to do ... on gray days, when I am surrounded by LOTS of thunderclouds and fog, I'll take sunshine wherever I find it and try to share it with you too!

Dream BIG !!!

A friend sent me a fun little book
DREAM BIG starring Olivia
Here are 5 of my favorite quotes from that book about
DREAMING BIG!

1.
Sometimes, I've believed as many as six impossible things
before breakfast.

 

and

2.

It ain't braggin if you can back it up!

 

and

3.

Be who you are and say what you feel,

Because those who mind don't matter

And those who matter don't mind!

 

and

4.

Dreams say what they mean,

But they don't say it in daytime language.

 

and

5.

Today is your day!

Your mountain is waiting.

So ... get on your way!

 

 

Talk about a book of affirmations!!!
Let's get out there
and
DREAM BIG !!!

Living Our BEST Life ... Fill 'Er Up!

If I were a water bucket, it would be fair to say that someone had tipped my pail a time or two!  Like the nursery rhyme ... where Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.  Jack fell down ... dropped the pail of water, I could have been that bucket ... tipped over and useless ... for a little while ... I lived the story of the tipped over pail ...

Of course, I was eventually placed upright ... a little dizzy at first ... afraid of rolling all the way down the hill and being lost and forgotten ... and later, realizing, I wasn't going to roll down the hill!  The worst had already happened!  For a while, I was content to watch everyone else scurry around ... still not able to fill myself up ... but one drop at a time ... 

Life filled me up!

 

I didn't even realize it was happening! 

To keep myself busy, I repainted a few rooms and rearranged the furniture and my house became a newer place to call home. 

I mowed the grass and planted flowers and fed the birds and my yard turned into a peaceful garden. 

I took pictures of friends and family and put the prettiest ones on my refrigerator.  There they still are among coupons and recipes and children's drawings and lots of ladybug magnets ... smiling faces from loved ones during fun times.

If each picture is worth a thousand words, there are volumes of happy thoughts and well wishes in plain sight for everyone to see, each one a celebration of life ... a drop in the bucket ... but a life changing drop, just the same!

The dew ... an occasional rain ... even a few tears ... and the bucket that was me ... filled up!

How and when it happened
I don't think I'll ever know ...

But that it happened even once
Can be a source of HOPE!

I am not any more deserving

Than any one of you.
Anyone can do it

When there's nothing left to do.

If you're feeling empty,

Like nothing can fill you up ...

Hold on tight and live your life.

LIFE will fill you up!

There Are Friends And REAL Friends

FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
REAL FRIENDS: Always bring the food. 
 
FRIENDS: Will say "hello".
REAL FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.
 
FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
REAL FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad.
 
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.   
REAL FRIENDS: Cry with you. 

FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
REAL FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing and just being together.
 
FRIENDS: know a few things about you.

REAL FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
 
FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
REAL FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' butt that left you. 
 
FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
REAL FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"
 
FRIENDS: Are for a while.
REAL FRIENDS: Are for life.
 

Finding Comfort and Surviving Loss

 

I remember ... only a few years ago ... thankfully, it seems like a whole lifetime ago ... I spent whole days wondering what the heck happened?  I felt like my chest was going to cave in or explode!  I wasn't sure which but I was sure it was going to happen any second!  I felt utterly lost.  It's shocking to start this journey.  I guess it has to be.  I don't know how other people get their wake-up call but I am sure, just like me, they'll know it when they see it.  Once we see it, we have to do something with it.  It's hard to focus on just one thing when we feel like we have to go in a hundred different directions at once!  Sometimes, all the things I thought I had to do were just too much and I'd just go back to bed, and hope things would be better after I slept on it!  I couldn't make sense of anything.  Not only did I not have any answers, I wasn't even sure what the questions were!  The props had been knocked out from under me. 

There were two books helped me find my footing.  Maybe, they will help you too?  Here are some of the thoughts and ideas that comforted me (but there are so many more in the book).  I just wanted to share a taste of something good!

 

FINDING COMFORT IN YOUR OWN SKIN
Reclaiming Your Authentic Self    By Jen El  

Once you begin to take charge of your life, it will take on a force that will intensify your actions to bring you home ... home to a place you may have never been before.  Your questions are always answered when you listen, and follow your heart.  

Since there is only one now, WE MAY AS WELL FORGIVE OURSELVES FOR PAST MISTAKES.  We must learn from our lessons, and start having fun.  Begin to have fun right now.  There really is only NOW.  Surrendering to this moment allows us to live in the present.  That's when everything starts to make sense and fall into place ... Life doesn't need to be hard.  Living in the NOW means living each minute as if it's my last, and feeling great and comfortable while doing so.   

It's okay to surrender to where you are, and at the same time ... take action now to remedy your tomorrow.  If you want to change your future, you must consciously choose to let go of suffering, anguish and bitterness ... It's good to be thankful for all the suffering we've experienced in the past, for it has brought our consciousness to a place of desiring to search for a better tomorrow.   

Having no expectations is part of living life in the moment.  Having no expectations usually just makes life more enjoyable for you and everyone around you because it's hard to be disappointed when you expect nothing.  

Whenever I feel nervous, tense, sensitive, upset, defeated, agitated, angry, worried, or have low energy, I better know to walk away and breath deeply.  Try it!  It brings a sense of balance, and feeling centered.  Breathing stimulates you to the core, and helps you reach the depths of your soul!  It can bring a sense of CALM like you have never experienced before.  

We can run but we cannot hide from our issues.  Until we grant ourselves the favor to stop, experience, face issues and forgive all involved, including (and especially) ourselves from getting into certain situations, then nothing will ever be healed or resolved.  

If faith and fear really can't live in the same place at the same time, and we choose FAITH, which means to trust or believe.  

NEGATIVE COMMENTS can create anticipation, panic, desperation, depression, apprehension, extreme agitation, and fear.  

POSITIVE COMMENTS can create an unstoppable, self-sufficient, self reliant, independent, competent, confident, well-adjusted human being.

• Greatness means to be who you are!
• Know that this is your life to live as you choose!
• Dare to be GREAT!
• Set realistic goals, yet always reach for the sky!
• It's okay to make mistakes.
• Resentment and blame stops the flow of creativity!
• Inspire people to greatness!
• It's what I think about myself that counts, so "nominate your self"!
• We have great roots and heritage since our father is God!
• Get over the limited thinking of yourself and others!
• Listen to your heart more often.
• THINK a plan through.
• WRITE IT DOWN and be specific.
• DRAW A ROADMAP of where and how you want your life to go.
• DO THE WORK.  DON'T BE LAZY with yourself.
• WRITE DOWN YOUR SHORT TERM GOALS first ... What do you need to do first?
• WRITE THE WAY YOU WANT YOUR LIFE TO LOOK next year, in three years, in five years, and even ten years.
• THE KEY IS TO START LIVING NOW, AS IF EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE!  I've never heard of anyone who regretted living his or her dreams!  

There's always a price in life for getting what you want.  It's simply a matter of what you are willing to give up in order to get what you want!  What are you willing to give up ... television, sleep, a job, a meal, a relationship that's not working?  YOU GET TO CALL ALL THE SHOTS IN YOUR LIFE.  Only you can make the final decisions that will change the outcome of your life story.  

Trying to force things into place is exhausting.  It's all a mystery to me.  What matters is the journey.  Enjoy the journey, because your constructing your reality into existence as you go ... Everything one does in life inevitably leads to where you are destined to be, especially if you pay attention.  Getting around in life is surprisingly easy once you stop coming up with reasons and excuses why you can't do something!  When you give up your excuses, you'll have the results you want!  

If something doesn't feel right ... then it probably isn't!  If you get a tremendous "YES" with passion oozing from your heart, and get joy-bumps of happiness, then for goodness sake, especially your own ... just do it!  It will not only benefit you, it will benefit everyone else as well!  

WARNING: NEVER LET ANYONE INTIMIDATE YOU AGAIN! 
If someone tries to intimidate you, it simply means that they are trying to make you wrong or bully you because they feel inadequate!  Never give your power away!  Your heart and soul and spirit are yours.

There could be various reasons why something didn't turn out to be or feel right for you, but it doesn't matter why.  By paying attention to our needs, wants and desires, we will "stop putting our life on hold!"  There's nothing else to do except just be and have fun.  Begin filling your daily schedule with things that enrich you, rather than exhaust you ... Go ahead ... give yourself "permission" to go for it and have it all!  Everything you do matters!  

Forgive yourself and others if necessary for miscalculating along the way, and / or wasting precious time and MOVE ON!  Turn the lemon into lemonade!  If we are fortunate, we realize everything we do is never waste of time or a mistake, but rather a learning experience which takes us onward and upward, gradually proceeding toward our next dream, goal, or vision enjoyably toward the next base.  

What looks like ERRORS along the way will all fit into place sooner or later!  We know there are no accidents in life, and everything happens for a reason.   

So trust in the universe, and listen.  You'll always be lead to the place you're supposed to be next.  The perfect people will always show up, who will lead you at least one step closer to your dreams, and goals.  Once you learn a lesson, there is no way to erase the knowledge.  Allowing yourself the freedom of exploring the deepest levels of your character and personality, is a gift.  

If you're not happy in your current situation, then you're wasting your life and your time here on earth.  It's time you know and recognize that you're just too good for nonsense.  Relationships can be notorious for all kinds of abuse, whether it's physical, mental or verbal.  There's no reason to allow abusive behavior EVER!  If your significant other is not your best friend, you might want to ask yourself ... why not?  Best friends bring out the best in each other ... not the worst! 

If you're in a relationship and your mate is physically, mentally, or verbally abusive, get some help immediately.  If you've both gone through counseling and the abuse is continued ... get out now while you're still alive ... Abusers are FOOLS, and that makes you not only a victim, but a FOOL as well, if you stay in that kind of relationship.  Get out now while you're still alive!  

Sometimes, we don't always have the "happy ending" we had hoped for, but that's okay, because there are no mistakes in life, and sometimes we need to move on from certain situations.  Remember ... we are a "work in progress!"  

Make sure you choose a mate who is already KIND, has high morals and integrity, and knows the difference between right and wrong ... Make sure any person you enter into a relationship with is worth your time and energy.  If not, why are you with them?  You should be able to do just about anything with your life partner.  I want to know that I can ask my mate for assistance with anything and he'll be there for me.  

There are too many good people in the world to hang out with the foolish ones!  

We always know when it's time to move on.  Once you have finally gotten the courage to walk away, the ABUSIVE PARTNER usually wants you back.  This is because they had the opportunity to finally miss you and appreciate WHAT THEY "HAD", and see the errors of their ways.  Or, it's a matter of losing "control" over you and they want it back.  But it's frequently too late because the damage has been done.   

It's very unfortunate that most people never realize what they had until they have lost it.  

• Move on ... You owe it to yourself now!
• Do what you love.
• Get out of your own way.
• Put your needs first.
• Put a smile back on your face.
• Don't look to others to put it there for you.
• Take responsibility for your health, appearance and the well being of your body.
• Love who you see when you look in the mirror before inviting others into your world.
• Know that you are already whole and complete.
• Be grateful for what you already have.
• Know that taking care of you is not selfish.

    

HOW TO SURVIVE THE LOSS OF A LOVE
by Melba Colgrove, Ph.D., Harold H. Bloomfield, M.D. and Peter McWilliams

I have turned to this book every time I've lost someone or something important to me.  It's a little hard to find these days, but you can still order it from Amazon or Barnes & Noble.  It was first published in 1976, but as you know, loss and surviving loss are timeless topics.  This book takes you gently through the loss, surviving, healing and growth in thoughts and poems.  The poems are my favorite.  They articulate the moments better than I can describe them myself in the twist of a word and the turn of a phrase, words like:


Come to stay or stay away.

I have to remember don't fall (in love again) until you see the whites of their lies.

A new morning of a new life without you, so? There will be others, much finer, much mine-er ...

The need you grew still remains, but less and less you seem the way to fill that need.  I am.

In being loved I am filled full.  In loving I am fulfilled.

I cannot keep my smiles in single file.


See? Aren't they wonderful?  The book deals with the practical steps involved in traveling through grief and recovery, but near the end of the book is a series of affirmations.  You can put them on your bathroom mirror, the first thing you read in the morning, and the last thing you see at night.  They are good things to tell yourself!

I am worthy.

I am worthy of my life and all the good that is in it.

I am worthy of a degree of happiness that could only be referred to as "sinful" in less enlightened times.

I am worthy of creativity, sensitivity and appreciation.

I am worthy of peace of mind, peace on earth, peace in the valley, and a piece of the action!

I am worthy of God's presence in my life.

I am worthy of love.

Recovering From Loss On The Planet Grief

 

 

Most people that find themselves in a period of recovery never planned for it, certainly never asked for it, and are usually caught completely off-guard by it. 

From the beginning, I was told that I wasn't a "typical victim".  That reflected stereotypical thinking on the part of the legal system, the medical community and a lot of people I had always considered educated and informed.  Anyone can be a victim:  Men, women, children.  Rich and poor.  High school dropouts all the way to PhDs.  Pretty and Plain.  You may think it only happens to impoverished, uneducated women but that's only because women, children and men with resources also have the resources to cover up their pain and deal with it privately.  They are quickly ushered through and out of the system, but statistically, victims come from everywhere.  They can be the lady that sits next to you in church, the soccer mom or coach, the newspaper delivery boy, the grocery clerk, the wife of a CEO, your favorite bank teller, your hairdresser, your child's teacher ... the person you'd least suspect and the one you have always wondered about.

If we back up and look at the big picture, there are people from all of those places feeling victimized by all sorts of things.  It's not just domestic violence that victimizes people.  Cancer, a heart attack or stroke, the loss of a job, the death of a loved one, a break-up or divorce, a car accident, a boat accident, an airplane crash, a terrorist attack, a hurricane, a tornado, being mugged or assaulted ... and so many other things that knock the props out from under you and turn your otherwise sunny world into a dark one.

 

You would think that all that suffering would draw people together, but it doesn't.  It separates us, isolates us and makes us feel like there is something wrong with us, or even makes us wonder, "What did I do to deserve this?" 

You didn't DO anything.  Maybe, you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time?  Maybe, you put your trust in the wrong person?  Maybe, we are all dealt a portion of suffering in our life and it's your turn?  It doesn't matter how or why you are where you are.  What matters most is what you do about it.  You can choose to remain a victim or you can choose to become a survivor.

This can be a time of learning and healing, the place where you have a chance to become stronger, seasoned, wiser.  It might not feel like it right now, but there might even come a day when you are thankful for this trial or challenge, because trials have a way of bringing focus to our lives.  Sometimes when we feel like we have lost every thing that mattered, we realize what things really matter most. 

Recovering From Loss & Adapting to a New Reality by Russell Friedman & John W. James of The Grief Recovery Institute

SEPARATE BUT EQUAL RECOVERING FROM LOSS When my mother died suddenly nine years ago, I was thrown into the vortex of human emotions which almost always accompanies the sudden death of a loved one. The fact that I am an alleged "expert" on recovery from loss does not make me immune to pain. I am Russell Friedman, and I write this article with my partner John W. James. Along with Eric Cline, our partner in Canada, we are the founders and principals of The Grief Recovery Institute®. Between us, we have collectively spent the past 50 years helping people deal with death, divorce, and other losses. We would like to offer some ideas which we believe will be helpful to anyone who reads them. There are tens of thousands of people who are directly affected by the death of a loved one as the result of the outrageous actions of September 11, 2001. In addition to those directly impacted, we as a nation, and to a great extent as a world, are reeling from the "sudden death" of freedom, safety, and control. THE PLANET GRIEF In the time immediately following my awareness of my mother’s unexpected death, my heart, my brain, and my soul went to another planet. The planet "grief" for lack of a better word. Within an hour, I was sitting at a table with three of the most important people in my life. My spouse, her daughter, and my partner - John. They were eating lunch, and I was in the middle of a movie. The movie was the full color version of my memory of my life with my mother. Thousands of images swirled through my brain and my heart, without chronological order, and not sorted as to whether they produced happy, sad, or neutral feelings. Perhaps because I help others deal with these kinds of situations, I was hyper-aware of what was going on, and was not afraid of it. Mostly I gazed off into my own inner space, and sobbed, and occasionally argued with that part of my brain that did not want my mother to have died. Every once in a while, I would capture a piece of emotional film which demanded more attention than others, and I would blurt out whatever I had just discovered. Mostly they just listened and nodded, as there was no need for anything else. My other best friend became the box of tissues which I clutched with all my might. At a point in time which was a little more than an hour after I had first been notified of my mother’s death, something very profound happened. All of a sudden an awareness came into my being, and my whole body erupted into tears. It was a different kind of crying than when I had first been told. John hushed the others, and whispered to me, "Russell, what’s going on?" I was crying as hard as I can, and almost couldn't talk, but through my tears, I managed to choke out the words, "She was my champion." John gently said, "We hear you, but what do you mean?" Again, in my almost zombie like state, I squeezed out the words, "She was my champion," and the tears streamed down my face. John, as delicately as humanly possible, whispered to me, "Yes, we hear you, but can you tell us exactly what you mean?" Although I felt very far away, John’s words seemed to break through to me, and I understood, that he wasn't sure either what I meant, or why I was saying it. So, after blowing my nose, and wiping my eyes, with a choking voice, I said, "The three of you know my story and all of the things I've been through, my divorces, my bankruptcy, and other painful events. And it just hit me that the reason I have always been able to get back up, to somehow bounce back in life, is because my mom never gave up on me, never once, she was my champion." And with that I burst into tears, and I vaguely remember John’s voice, a million miles away saying, "Oh, now we see what you mean." John jumped up and hugged me, and I sobbed. And Alice, hugged me and I sobbed, and then Claudia. We all sat back down at the table, and they went back to their lunch, and I went back to my planet to find more memories. Later John helped me verbalize those and other emotionally important thoughts and feelings, indirectly to my mom. As you read this, you might wonder why I had never thanked my mom for that before she died. The simple answer is that I never thought of it in that light until she died. It just never connected in that way. What you have to know about me, is that because of what I do, and having had to help so many people deal with undelivered emotional communications, I live my life as honestly as I possibly can, especially with regards to telling people directly, the positive emotions I have about them. So you have to know that if I’d had that thought anytime prior to my mother’s death, I would have woken her in the middle of the night to tell her. But the death of a loved one provokes a different level of emotional connection than when someone is alive. Your brain can and will go into different nooks and crannies, and connect thoughts, feelings, and ideas differently that when someone is still alive. The death of someone important to you produces an almost unimaginable amount of emotional energy in the search to put all the pieces in place. Most people who have been present during a long term illness and who had the opportunity and openness to talk with the dying person about "everything," will usually tell you that after the death, they thought of other things - different things. Another point we hope you will take from this is that undelivered communications of an emotional nature are the cornerstone of what can turn into unresolved grief, if not dealt with effectively. In the case of that one aspect of my relationship with my mother, it was a positive thing that had not been said directly to her while she was still alive. Undelivered communications range from positive to negative, but all come under the heading of all of the things we wish we said or done differently, better, or more, as well as those things we wish the other person might have said or done, differently, better, or more. And lastly, we believe that in the hours, days, and weeks immediately following a loss, memories are most vivid and most available. We believe that as that our hearts, brains, and souls grapple with the new reality they have been thrust into, it is actually the most effective time to access things that we may not have thought of in some time. ADAPTING TO A NEW REALITY. Let’s go back to that fateful day when my mom died, which happened to be the day before Thanksgiving. Imagine flying from Los Angeles to Miami on Thanksgiving. By the time I got to Miami I had a notebook full of other discoveries I'd made of things that I needed to say. The events of that week in Miami, while unique to me and my family, are probably parallel to what has happened billions and billions of times, since people first graced this earth. Our little group circled the wagons, and each with our own box of tissues, remembered my mom. Each of us told our stories. We laughed at the funny memories, cried at the sad ones, and each of us remembered her the way we had known her in life. For my part, I was able to do more of those things I had done with John the day my mother had died. When I got back home to Los Angeles, a new reality reared its painful head. On the first morning that I woke up in my own bed, as I drew my first conscious breath, the fact that my mother was no longer alive hit me like a lightning bolt. I managed to get to the shower, and I can assure you that there was as much water running down my face as was running down my back. The tears seemed endless. Keep in mind that all along I had been doing the kind of emotional actions I talked about earlier, with tears attached. I communicated, indirectly, to my mother, everything that I became aware of as the days turned into weeks. But the reality of her physical absence from my life was different from the emotional ideas built into things that had or hadn't been said or done between us. Now I was faced with the painful reality of adapting to life on this planet without one of the people who had always been there. When it is said that everyone grieves in his or her own way and pace, I believe it refers to the idea of this adaptation. When people talk about time being a factor in healing, I believe they are alluding to the need to acquire a new habit of existing with a new, and altered reality - an unwelcome one, at that. RECOVERY ACTIONS HELP YOU ADAPT At the Grief Recovery Institute, we believe that recovering from loss and adapting to a new reality are separate but equal. We believe that both are going on simultaneously and that it is helpful to know what they are, what they mean, and that they are normal and natural. While we believe that most people make the transition to the new reality in their own way and at their own pace, we know that better information about the emotional element of recovering from loss, helps speed up the time span in which that transition can take place. We recommend that you get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook, to help you discover and complete the pain caused by all of the major loss experiencesin your life. If your concern is about your child or children, get a copy of When Children Grieve, to guide you in assisting them in dealing with the losses that affect their lives. If money is an issue, go to the library to get and read the books. Otherwise, they are available on this web-site or through online or bricks and mortar retailers. Both are published by HarperCollins. OUR COLLECTIVE BROKEN HEARTS - THE AFTERMATH OF 9-11-2001 The primary grievers are those people who were directly impacted by the deaths of loved ones in the horrific events of September 11. Needless to say, we all realize that they must be experiencing a level of pain and confusion that is probably beyond our comprehension. The absolute truth is that We DO NOT KNOW HOW THEY FEEL. But, as members of the family of human kind, we are all affected. We are all mothers or fathers or sister or brothers or children or friends. We are all people. We are all people with broken hearts. We have all experienced a loss of safety, a loss of trust, a loss of control, and a loss of freedom. There is another phenomenon that is affecting most people. When there is a national tragedy with the accompanying feelings of sadness, fear, anger, and confusion, our hearts and brains search to understand how to react to the emotions aroused by the event. In the process of connecting those feelings, our minds will search through a lifetime of memories and identify anything which has produced similar feelings. Many people will be having strong memories of people, animals, and events that happened decades ago, along with more recent memories. Do not be surprised if you start to have substantial emotions about loss experiences which had happened a very long time ago. It is natural to remember things that have any sad feelings attached, because we have all just been inundated with images and realities that are very sad to perceive. Unresolved grief is cumulative and cumulatively negative. While time sometimes dulls the pain, time does not, of itself, complete what is emotionally unfinished between us and people who have died, and others from whom we are estranged. Although most of us did not have direct relationships with the people who died, we all have our relationships with people who we remember. Recovery from loss is achieved by a series of small and correct choices made by the griever.  Article printed with permission of: Russell Friedman and John W. James, who are co-authors of: The Grief Recovery Handbook - The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses [HarperCollins] When Children Grieve - For Adults to Help Children Deal with Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving, and Other Losses [HarperCollins] Moving On - Dump Your Relationship Baggage and Make Room for the Love of Your Life [M. Evans] Available at your favorite book source or at http://www.grief.net/bookstore.html © 2002 Russell P. Friedman, John W. James and The Grief Recovery Institute. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint this and other articles please contact The Grief Recovery Institute at Editor@grief.net or by phone USA (818) 907-9600   Canada (519) 586-8825

The Roller Coaster Ride Called Recovery

Everybody is recovering from something.  In what seems like another lifetime, I was addicted to impossible men, getting high on the idea that I could change them by loving them more than they had ever been loved before!  I imagined the most wonderful fairytales and committed 100% to the losing proposition of turning a bad boy into a good man over and over again.

Of course, the whole notion is poppycock!  The whole plan was flawed from the beginning.  Real love doesn't have to change anyone.  Real love accepts people the way they are.  Period.

The last "bad boy conversion project" ended with him threatening my life with a loaded shotgun.  I believed him!  I got away.  I never went back.  There was no escaping the fact that my life had careened totally out of control and I needed to do some work to get my life and my heart back on track.  I chose emotional, physical and spiritual health.

 

Choosing HEALTH is what recovery is all about. 

Recovery started out for me like a ride on a SCRAMBLER, you know, one of those rides ... they might still have at the fair ... where you are going as fast as you can in one direction, only to be hurled just as fast in another direction?  In the beginning, I felt like I was suspended precariously between hope and hopelessness ...

Recovery is messy ... Healing doesn't come in a neat little package.  It has ups and downs.  I pushed through some scary, painful times.  I wasn't protective of myself.  I wasn't true to myself.  I had let him distract me.  He was good at it!  I had ignored so many warning signs.  I got confused when he accused me of things I never even thought of.  I see now that all the things he said about me were true about him! It's all so clear to me now, but at the time, my emotions were so jumbled up, I couldn't even think straight.

Disengaging and Breaking Away from an abusive relationship is like untangling from barbed wire and broken glass.  Every move away hurt and cut away at parts of me that I guess I didn't need anyway.  I had to let go of major portions of pride.  I had to admit that I had made some very bad choices.  I had to take responsibility for those choices.  That DOES NOT mean that I, in any way, took responsibility for HIS ABUSE.  I had to ask other people for help.  I was trapped in a snare I couldn't break free of by myself.  I had to let myself feel everything ... Shame, Grief, Confusion, Anger, Sadness, Acceptance, Hope, Forgiveness, Faith and Gratitude ... I guess I'll have to work on some of those things every day for the rest of my life, but the REST of my life is going to be so much better than it was!

I didn't ever have to do everything on my own!  It's never was me against the world.  People like taking care of me as much as I like taking care of them!  AND I like letting someone else run the train, carry the load, worry about the details, run the show and drive the car!  It's good to see how other people solve problems.

During the first year, I wrote lots of things.  They're not classic poetry.  They weren't meant to be.  Someone suggested that I write my feelings in short phrases ... That worked for me because there were days I couldn't have put all my feelings in complete sentences.  It wasn't about making pretty poetry.  It was about getting the feelings OUT.  Here are a few that did that for me:

 

Does he make you tense? Do you walk on eggshells all the time?

NOT WORTH IT!

You haven't found a partner. You've found an ulcer!  

 

 

I'm missed a man that never existed

a man that he never was

a man I imagined him to be  

just like a child's imaginary friend

but I am not a child and I had no need for imaginary friends

It was time for him to GO AWAY 

 

 

An essential part of RECOVERY includes allowing myself to feel

ANGER!  

I resisted.

I didn't want to be like the one who hurt me. 

Silly me! 

I'm not like him. I can feel anger and control it.  

 

 

NO matter what he ever said or did,
He was still the man who held a gun on me.

IT WAS TOO LATE.

I could never trust him again. I could never feel safe.  

VERY FEW PEOPLE ACT VIOLENTLY ONLY ONCE.  

Most of us have a powerful need to believe that
we could never love someone capable of hurting us so.
 

 

There are times I'd like to pretend I never even knew that bad guy, but how can I encourage other women to "take the journey" toward healing if I don't warn you of the hurdles?  Of course, you will feel longing and sadness!  He wouldn't have chosen a woman that didn't have a BIG HEART!  But don't let him use your own heart against you!

IF YOU HAVE A HEART BIG ENOUGH TO LOVE SOMEONE SO UNLOVABLE, YOU HAVE A HEART BIG ENOUGH FOR A REAL LIFE ... ONE WHERE YOU GET TO BE HAPPY! 

Are you thinking that only you understand him, that if you just give a little bit more, he'll realize how much he's loved and suddenly change?  Are you thinking that if you do everything perfect, he'll notice?  You do know you are only fooling yourself, right?

It's okay if you find yourself wishing that things could be different.  I did the same thing!  I wasted months.  I began to realize that I had two relationships ... one with "Sweet Pretend Guy" and one with "Scary Real Guy" ... In the beginning, he was one of the sweetest guys a girl could meet ... He said and did the sweetest things.  He was so thoughtful.  He was too good to be true.  As he got more comfortable, "Scary Real Guy" started making demands.  They were simple enough at first, but they kept getting more and more unreasonable.  No matter what I did, it was NEVER good enough!  "Scary Real Guy" was a foul mouthed, woman hating thug!  He had worn a lot of masks, trying to gain approval, but he couldn't pretend to be someone he wasn't for long!  How could he be a good man and still keep all his "bad boy" traits? 

Abusers confuse love with control.  They may never really know love for anyone or anything.  It doesn't matter how sick they might be.  What matters is that ABUSE is NOT LOVE ... in fact, they are opposites.

Charles Swindoll said "To love and be loved is the bedrock of our existence. But love must also flex and adapt.  Rigid love is not true love. It is VEILED MANIPULATION, a conditional time bomb THAT EXPLODES when frustrated. Genuine love willingly waits.

Love isn't pushy or demanding. While it has it's limits, it's boundaries are far reaching. Real love is NOT shortsighted, selfish or insensitive.  Love is Patient.  Love is kind. (I Corinthians 13:4)"

Scott Peck, in his book, PEOPLE OF THE LIE, talks about what happens when people choose NOT to grow:  We either get better or we get worse ... and some people (like our abusers) do get worse.  They don't acknowledge their own wrong doing.  They justify the cruel things they do.  They "armor themselves up" for the battle they fight against themselves.  They ruin their own lives to save their precious PRIDE ... They are like dead men walking ... living only the part of their lives they are willing to admit to ... That's what makes them "people of the lie".  It's not the lies other people tell them that hurt them.  It's the lies they tell themselves!  Each time they lie to themselves, they sell a tiny piece of their soul, and some of them didn't have much "soul real estate" to begin with!

Well, that's not my story to tell.  I hurt so bad back then that I was willing to do whatever it took to break the cycle.  It wasn't easy but eventually I gained the tools I needed to make better choices; set better boundaries for myself; listen to my intuition andquestioning things that didn't "feel right" as soon as they didn't "feel right".  I will do my best with what I'm given today, and I'll do my best with what ever happens tomorrow and the day after that, I'll do the same, one day at a time, until doing my best is a habit!

 

 

From the start he and I may have tried to
help - change - fix
each other  

In the end I had to
help - change - fix
myself 
into

THE  SURVIVOR THAT IS ME

I have more strength than I ever knew

I SURVIVED
every single thing that ever happened to me


You can survive too

 

 

Taking Steps

 

If ADDICTION to any of these are a problem for you or someone you love ...

Alcohol
Anorexia & Bulimia
Codependency
Gambling
Marijuana
Narcotics
Prescription Drugs
Overeating
Overspending
Pornography
Self-Injury
Sexual Promiscuity
Tobacco & Nicotine


... You might want to consider taking steps ... 

THE 12 STEPS

1. We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

A Chance To Use The Things I Have Learned ... 

I am in recovery.  I will always be in recovery.  Anytime, I start to get too comfortable ... Anytime, I let my guard down, the thing I am recovering from will find a way to show up in my life and remind me that I am worth all the hard work!  When bad things come into my life, I can fight back at those bad things by asking God for help, getting back to the books, working my program and getting support and encouragement from my family and friends.

Martin Luther wrote about getting regular visits from the devil.  The devil would "stop by" to bring doubt, discouragement, low self-esteem, fear, anger, pride and a lot of other "gifts" to torment Martin Luther.  The devil used whatever he could to push Martin Luther off his godly path by telling him, "God didn't really love him", and in the beginning, the devil was successful, but every time the devil went away, Martin Luther got stronger in his faith and the next time the devil visited, the devil wasn't as successful as he had been the time before. 

One day, the devil knocked on the Martin Luther's door.  Martin Luther got up and answered the door.  When he saw that it was the devil again, he said, "Oh, it's just you."  He didn't get excited or worried or fearful.  He just shut the door and went back to his work.  Martin Luther knew that God loved him and there was no reason to argue with the devil about it anymore. 

The devil had used up all his tricks and none of them had worked!

In fact, in some way or another, every time the devil showed up to try to convince Martin Luther that God didn't love him, his very presence became proof that God must love him very much or God would not allow him to be tested.  The devil's visits became reminders that ... we are only human and that there are things that will pull us off our course ... but it's okay!  God loves us anyway and all we have to do is get back on the path.

Sometimes, It's Good To Look At Where We Have Been ... So We Can See How Far We Have Come!

I have earned the right to share my journey with you!  I paid the price.  I served my time in his hell.  I fought my way out.  I did the work.  I SURVIVED.   

I remember feeling trapped. 
I remember what it was like to walk on eggshells. 
I remember being so nervous. 
I remember not being able to sleep because the nightmares were even worse than the nightmare I was living. 
I remember being afraid.
I remember being afraid to tell anyone. 
I remember feeling embarrassed.
I remembered wondering what people would think if they knew. 

I remember.    

I know there are others out there who are feeling just like I did.  I know you are out there.  I know you are scared.  I know you don't know what to do.  I know it feels like being lost in the dark.  

I don't have all the answers.  I'm just one woman ... who found a way out of a dark place.  Maybe something I learned will help you?  

I hope so because I am writing for you.   

I don't care what other people think!  I know some people won't understand us.  I know some people don't want to believe us because they are still in denial about their own stuff ... Maybe, they have their own addictions?  Maybe, they have turned their back on a sister or a friend because the addiction was just too hard to watch?  How people react isn't always about you.  Everybody has their own stuff that either holds them back, pushes them forward or tears them apart.  For now, OTHER PEOPLE isn't our concern.  It's you and me we are talking about.  I am in recovery and maybe, you are too?  Maybe, you wish you could be but you don't know where to start? 

Start with the Step One:

Admit you are powerless over your addiction - that your lives has become unmanageable ...

Then ... go to Step Two ... 

There is a way out of addiction.  I'm not turning my back on you!  I'm here.  I'm sending help in the only way I know how.  I'm sending you the words that helped me to heal.  I'm sending you the wisdom of others who helped me.  I'm not judging you or telling you what to do.  I'm sending you love and prayers and encouragement because no matter where you are or how dark your world has become ...  

There is a way out! 

Ground Hog Day - The Movie

Did you ever see the movie Groundhog Day?  It came out in 1993.  The original trailer was a close-up of an alarm clock going off, showing the same day and time, over and over again with the simple tag line:

He's having the worst day of his life ... over and over ...  

That movie reminds me that we are destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over again until we finally get them right!  I wanted to write more about that, but while looking for web-sites and information about the movie, I found this excellent article!  I humbly bow to a man who teaches educators how to teach ... This is an excellent article presented by Ken Sanes about the movie, Groundhog Day:
  


Groundhog Day:
Breakthrough to the True Self

Groundhog Day ... shows us a character who has to be exiled from normal life so he can discover that he is in exile from himself. In the movie, actor Bill Murray plays Phil, an arrogant, Scrooge-like weather forecaster who spends the night in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, where he is to do a broadcast the next day about the annual ritual of the coming out of the groundhog. He wakes up the next morning, does his story and is annoyed to discover that he is trapped in Punxsutawney for a second night because of a snowstorm that comes in after the groundhog ceremony.

When he wakes up in his guest house room the next morning, lo and behold, it is the morning of the day before all over again. Everything that happened to him the previous day -- the man trying to start a conversation at the top of the stairs; the old high school acquaintance recognizing him on the street, the ritual of groundhog day -- it all happens again.

And, once again, due to inclement weather, he is forced to spend the night. When he wakes up the next morning, it is the same day as yesterday and the day before, with the same oncoming snowstorm keeping him stuck in town and the same events repeating themselves like a broken record.

And so it goes, day after day ... trapped in Punxsutawney on groundhog day ... in a time loop. If he does nothing different, events will repeat themselves as they were on the original day. But if he changes his behavior, people will respond to his new actions, opening up all kinds of possibilities for playing with the unfolding of events. Either way, with each "new" day, he alone remembers what happened in previous editions of the same day.

At first Murray's character responds with bewilderment. Then he despairs and begins to treat life as a game: he risks his life and gorges on food, expressing both his sense of hopelessness and his growing recognition that, no matter what he does, time will reset itself and he will wake up as if nothing had happened.

In one scene, which turns out to be central to the movie's theme, he expresses his despair to two working class drinking buddies in a local bar.

One of his two inebriated companions then points to a beer glass and sums up the way he is responding to his situation: "You know, some guys would look at this glass and they would say, you know, 'that glass is half empty'. Other guys'd say 'that glass is half full'. I bet you is (or I peg you as) a 'the glass is half empty' kind of guy. Am I right?"

But as the days pass endlessly into the same day, this half-empty character finally finds a purpose in life: learning everything he can about his female producer, Rita, played by Andie MacDowell, so he can pretend to be her ideal man and seduce her. When that fails, and his efforts net him slap after slap, day after day, his despair deepens and he begins to spend his days killing himself. He kidnaps the groundhog and drives over a ledge into a quarry; he takes a plugged-in toaster into the bath; and he jumps off a building, always waking up whole in the morning.

In desperation, he reveals his plight to the female producer and she stays with him (without sex), in his room,through the night. Once again, he wakes up alone in the same day. But, enriched by this experience of intimacy, and by the fact that someone actually liked him for who he is, he finally figures out a constructive response --

He begins to live his life in the day allotted to him, or, rather, he begins to live the life he never lived before. Instead of allowing circumstances to impose themselves on him, he takes control of circumstances ... 

... aided by the fact that he has all the time in the world and the safety of knowing what will happen next. He begins to take piano lessons from a music teacher who is continuously surprised at how proficient he is, since she always believes it is his first lesson. He learns how to be an ice sculptor, which is the perfect art form for him since everything he does will have melted away when he wakes up anyway. And he becomes more generous.

Then, an encounter with death -- an old vagrant dies in his day -- has a deep effect on him. At first, he can't accept the man's death and, in at least one subsequent edition of the day, he tries to be good to the old man, taking him out to eat (for a last meal) and trying, unsuccessfully, to keep him alive. When he stops trying to force death to relent, his final defenses fall away and his compassion for the old man transfers to the living.

He begins to use his knowledge of how the day will unfold to help people. Knowing that a child will always fall from a tree at a certain time, he makes it a point to be there and catch the child every time. Knowing that a man will choke on his meal, he is always at a nearby table in the restaurant to save him.

Slowly, he goes through a transformation. Having suffered himself, he is able to empathize with other people's suffering. Having been isolated from society, he becomes a local hero in Punxsutawney.

Now, he sees the glass as half full, and the day as a form of freedom. As he expresses it in a corny TV speech about the weather that he gives for the camera, at the umpteenth ceremony he has covered of the coming out of the groundhog:

"When Chekhov saw the long winter, he saw a winter bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of life. But standing here among the people of Punxsutawney and basking in the of warmth of their hearths and hearts, I couldn't imagine a better fate than a long and lustrous winter."

In other words, having accepted the conditions of life ... he is no longer like all those people who fear life's travails (trials), and try to ... control events. He accepts "winter" as an opportunity.

Finally, the female producer falls in love with the good person he has become and she again spends the night (although he falls asleep so, again, there is no sex.) They wake up in the morning. She is still there and it is the next day.

In a last bit of irony, the couple decide to settle down in Punxsutawney. Like Maxwell Klinger in the last episode of MASH, Murray's character will end up living in the one place he couldn't wait to escape.

What is so powerful about Groundhog Day is the way it lets us experience what it would be like to make a breakthrough like this in our own lives. The movie shows us a character who is like the worst in ourselves. He is arrogant and sarcastic, absorbed in his own discomforts, without hope, and cut off from other people ... he is forced to stop and treat each day like a world onto itself, and decide how to use it. In the end, he undergoes a breakthrough to a more authentic self in which intimacy, creativity and compassion come naturally ...

In telling this story, the movie hits on a message that is commonly found elsewhere and that appears to express an essential truth. When we get beyond denial and resentment over the conditions of life and death, and accept our situation, it tells us, then life ceases to be a problem and we can become authentic and compassionate.

Inevitably, the movie also has mythic resonance and literary counterparts. Murray's character is like all kinds of saviors and heroes in well-known stories, secular and religious, who experience some combination of suffering and courage, until they go through a transformation to a new state of knowledge. Among the religious and mythic elements we can recognize in the story: he fights off his demons; he is changed by an encounter with death; he experiences a kind of rebirth; he appears to people to exist in time but he also exists outside of normal time; he manifests deep compassion; he is in the world but not of it, suffering with a special knowledge that he uses to save those around him; and he is given a second chance in life.


Groundhog Day includes a number of phases:

1.     The beginning, which takes place in normal time, in which the character is self-centered and embodies hate of self and others, defense and constriction.

2.     The bulk of the movie, which takes place in an enchanted timelessness in which the character becomes other-directed, loving and free.  This has a number of sub-phases, which can, more or less, be described as:

• bewilderment;
• despair;
• risk-taking and treating life as a game with selfish ends;
• first breakthrough to intimacy;
• generosity and the embracing of life;
• shock at, and refusal to accept, death;
• acceptance of the circumstances of life and death , and breakthrough to deep compassion (love);
• being celebrated as a local hero and a second experience of intimacy in which he gets the object of his love.

3.     The end, which has moved back into normal time, but which is now enchanted in a different way, by the attitude of the main character.

* * * * * *

In showing us this transformation, the movie provides a fictional counterpart to a universal experience, one that some people have in their own lives: that a confrontation with death andor an acceptance of the circumstances of life, leads to a freeing up of the self, with greater enjoyment and compassion.

* * * * * *

In addition to the mythic-archetypal elements ... the main character is like all kinds of heroes who have to face various monsters and obstacles. But, here ... most of the conflicts come from within him: they are a result of how he responds to life and what he causes life to give back to him.

(The movie also offers another mythic element ... similar to Logan's Run, which is one of many other works that embody the idea that humanity must escape ... false paradises to find an authentic life.)

* * * * * *

The movie offers a number of contrasts that highlight the character's transformation:

Earlier, he gorges on food, because of his despair over his life situation. Later, he provides a feast for the old vagrant in an effort to conquer despair over life's consequences for other people;

Earlier, he injures people's self-esteem with sarcasm and drives them away. Later, he enlarges people with his vision of life, bolsters their self-esteem and draws them to him like a magnet.

Earlier, he is forced to be in Punxsutawney. Later, he decides to live there.

Earlier, he tries to simulate a false self, to win the female producer, and fails. Later, he shows her the real self he never knew he had andwins her over.

* * * * * *

The timeless middle of the movie has some of the characteristics of a virtual world in which Murray can experiment with alternative ways of living and being ... Murray's character treats his life as a game only when he is in despair. Once he has a sense of hope, he becomes more authentic and discovers himself.

* * * * * *

(excerpts are from an excellent article written for educators at http://www.transparencynow.com/groundhog.htm by Ken Sanes)

I like stories of redemption, where people just like us are transformed into the kind of people we would like to be if only ... But, you know what? 

WE CAN BE TRANSFORMED!

There are elements of RECOVERY all throughout this story!

He begins to live his life in the day allotted to him, or, rather, he begins to live the life he never lived before. Instead of allowing circumstances to impose themselves on him, he takes control of circumstances ...

Living one day at a time ... AND ... taking care of his own "stuff" ... The movie does everything but recite the Serenity Prayer! 


God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change ...
like all those people who fear life's travails, and try to ... control events. He accepts "winter" as an opportunity.


The Courage to change the things I can ...
In other words, having accepted the conditions of life ... he is no longer What is so powerful about Groundhog Day is the way it lets us experience what it would be like to make a breakthrough like this in our own lives. The movie shows us a character who is like the worst in ourselves. He is arrogant and sarcastic, absorbed in his own discomforts, without hope, and cut off from other people ... he is forced to stop and treat each day like a world onto itself, and decide how to use it. In the end, he undergoes a breakthrough to a more authentic self in which intimacy, creativity and compassion come naturally ...


The wisdom to know the difference ... 
In telling this story, the movie hits on a message that is commonly found elsewhere and that appears to express an essential truth. When we get beyond denial and resentment over the conditions of life and death, and accept our situation, it tells us, then life ceases to be a problem and we can become authentic and compassionate ...


Amen!

SNOW !!!

Although it rarely happens,

It's
SNOWING

in the

Carolinas!



We already have 3 inches

and I hear SLEET falling against the windows.

The weatherman says ICE is on the way!







We are worried about losing power.
Our poor dog with four inch legs

has her own concerns!



HAPPY WINTER !!!