Letting Go

Holidays can be such triggers to people who are in recovery.  Any holiday.  But Christmas is the GRAND holiday of them all.  It can bring out the best or the worst in almost anyone.  We can be reminded of sentimental holidays that have grown even sweeter with the passing of time ... and we can remember holiday disasters too ... that may have already lost their sting and have become something we laugh about today ... but it's THIS HOLIDAY that we are talking about.  

I got this email a few days ago and I smiled at the things it reminded me of.  I can't even count the things I have thought or said that caused my inner voice to say, "Let it go ..."  With enough practice, we can actually get good at letting go of the things that aren't good for us ... but to get good at anything ... we have to practice ~ practice ~ practice!  

In the beginning, I felt like I had to let go of a lot more things than I got to keep because so many things that I had held on to weren't really all that good for me.  I felt like I was doing spring cleaning on the soul level ... clearing out the bad to get ready for the good ... It's not that any of us are bad people ... but some of us sure have some useless ideas about ourselves, our place in the world and the way things should be.  

Our good feelings about ourselves might have less to do with us and more to do with the people around us, what we do for a living or what material possessions we have... even though we never judge anyone else by the crowd they hang out with, the career they chose, or the things they accumulate ... It is always about the person we are without all the stuff.  I'm not saying that a person has to give up their friends and family, quit their jobs and give away their worldly possessions so they can get in touch with the person they really are!  I am proposing that you give up the things that are getting in the way.  If something is causing you to stumble, get rid of it!  Just let it go ...     

 

Let it go for 2006 !!!
By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.

When people can walk away from you: let them walk.  You don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you.  Hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you, let them walk.  Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us.  For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. ~1 John 2:19

People leave you because they are not joined to you.  And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

LET THEM GO!!!
 
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person.  It just means that their part in the story is over.  And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over ... so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's over.  Let me tell you something.  I've got the gift of good-bye.  It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye.  It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. 

LET THEM GO!!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to ...

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat youright, love you back, andseeyour worth ...

LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ...

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge ...

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ...

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents.

LET IT GO!!!

Ifyou have a bad attitude ...

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better ...

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him ...

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship ...

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves ...

LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ...

LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself  and God is saying "take your hands off of it,"  then you need to ...

LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past.  Forget the former things.  GOD is doing a new thing for 2006 !!!

 
LET IT GO!!! 

Tags: Letting Go, Recovery, Healing

The Four Agreements

THE FOUR AGREEMENTS is the first book written by Don Miguel Ruiz.  The actual Title is A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom - THE FOUR AGREEMENTS - A Toltec Wisdom Book.  What I like about the book is that he explains four basic agreements that you can make with yourself.  They are easy to remember, and with a little practice, you can develop habits that will simplify your life.  Let me share THE FOUR AGREEMENTS in Don Miguel Ruiz's own words:  

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD

Speak with integrity.  Say only what you mean.  Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.  Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.  

DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.  When you are immune to the opinions and action of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.  

DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want.  Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.  With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.  

ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.  Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.  

Don Miguel Ruiz has written several books concerning the Toltec Way of Thinking.  It's NOT meant to be a religion or a whole belief system although it could become a way of life.  It's common sense.  Makingthose four agreements with yourself could eliminate a great deal of emotional drama, pain and poison from your life and the lives of people around you.  

Don Miguel Ruiz says:

You need to be very strong to adopt the Four Agreements - but if you can begin to live your life with these agreements, the transformation in your life will be amazing.  

On being impeccable with your word, he makes the point:

The word is the most powerful tool you have as a human; it is the tool of magic.  But like a sword with two edges, your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy everything around you.  One edge is them is use of the word, which creates a living hell.  The other edge is the impeccability of the word, which will only create beauty, love and heaven on earth. 
Depending on how it is used, the word can set you free, or it can enslave you even more than you know. 

All the magic you possess is based on your word ... when you are impeccable, you take responsibility for your actions, but you do not judge or blame yourself ...

Being impeccable with your word is the correct use of your energy; it means to use your energy in the direction of truth and love for yourself.  If you make an agreement with yourself to be impeccable with your word, just with that intention, the truth will manifest through you and clean all the emotional poison that exists within you.  

On not taking anything personally, he says:

Nothing other people do is because of you.  It is because of themselves ... whatever you feel and do is just a projection of your own personal dream, a reflection of your past agreements. 

What you say, what you do, and the opinions you have are according to the agreements you have made - and these opinions have nothing to do with me ... I know it is your problem and not my problem.  It is the way you see the world.  It is nothing personal, because you are dealing with yourself, not me. 

Others are going to have their own opinion according to their belief system, so nothing they think about me is really about me, but it is about them.  You may even tell me, "Miguel, what you are saying is hurting me." But it is not what I am saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said.  You are hurting yourself ... Then if you get mad at me, I know you are dealing with yourself. 

I am the excuse for you to get mad. 

And you get mad because you are afraid, because you are dealing with fear.  If you are not afraid, there is no way that you will get mad at me.  If you are not afraid, there is no way that you will get jealous or sad.  If you live without fear, if you love, there is no place for any of these emotions. 

When you feel good, everything around you is good.  When everything around you is great, everything makes you happy.  You are loving everything that is around you, because you are loving yourself.  Because you like the way you are.  Because you are content with you.  Because you are happy with your life ...

Don't take anything personally. 

Even if someone got a gun and shot you in the head, it is nothing personal.  Even at that extreme ... If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you ... walking away may hurt for a little while, but your heart will eventually heal.  Then you can choose what you really want ...

As you make a habit of not taking anything personally, you won't need to place your trust in what others do or say.  You will only need to trust yourself to make responsible choices.  You are never responsible for the actions of others; you are only responsible for you ...

You can say "I love you" without fear of being ridiculed or rejected.  You can ask for what you need.  You can say yes, or you can say no - whatever you choose - without guilt or self-judgment.  You can choose to follow your heart always. 

Then you can be in the middle of hell and still experience inner peace and happiness.  You can stay in your state of bliss, and hell will not effect you at all.  

On not making assumptions, Don Miguel Ruiz explains:

We have the tendency to make assumptions about everything.  The problem with making assumptions is that we BELIEVE they are truth.  We could swear they are real. 

We make assumptions about what others are doing or thinking - we take it personally - then we blame them and react by sending emotional poison with our word.  That is why whenever we make assumptions, we are asking for problems.  We make assumptions, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing ...

We create a lot of emotional poison just by making assumptions and taking it personally ...

We only see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear.  We don't perceive things the way they are ... when the truth comes out, we find out it was not what we thought at all ... Making assumptions in our relationships is really asking for problems. 

Often we make the assumption that our partners know what we think and that we don't have to say what we want ... Making assumptions in relationships leads to a lot of fights, a lot of difficulties, a lot of misunderstanding with people we supposedly love ... when we believe in something we assume we are right about it to the point that we will destroy relationships in order to defend our position.  We make the assumption that everyone sees life the way we do. 

We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse.  This is the biggest assumption that humans make.  And this is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others.  Because we think everyone else will judge us, victimize us. abuse us and blame us as we do ourselves.  So even before others have a a chance to reject us, we have already rejected ourselves. 

This is the way the human mind works ... Often when you go into a relationship with someone you like, you have to justify why you like that person.  You only see what you want to see and you deny there are things you don't like about that person ...

Your love will not change anybody. 

If others change, it's because they want to change, not because you can change them.  Then something happens between the two of you, and you get hurt.  Suddenly you see what you didn't want to see before, only now it is amplified by your emotional poison.  Now you have to justify your emotional pain and blame them for your choices ...

REAL LOVE IS ACCEPTING OTHER PEOPLE THE WAY THEY ARE WITHOUT TRYING TO CHANGE THEM. 

If we try to change them, this means we don't really like them ... If others feel they have to change you, that means they really don't love you just the way you are.  So why be with someone if you're not the way he or she wants you to be? ...   

ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST!

Doing your best, you are going to live your life intensely.  You are going to be productive, you are going to be good to yourself, because you will be giving yourself to your family, to your community, to everything.  But it is the action that is going to make you feel intensely happy.  When you always do your best, you take action.  Doing your best is taking the action because you love it, not because you're expecting a reward ... If we like what we do, if we always do our best, then we are really enjoying life. 

We are having fun, we don't get bored, we don't have frustrations ... DOING YOUR BEST REALLY DOESN'T FEEL LIKE WORK BECAUSE YOU ENJOY WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING ... Action is about living fully. 

Inaction is the way that we deny life.  Inaction is sitting in front of the television every day for years because you are afraid to be alive and to take the risk of expressing what you are. 

Expressing what you are is taking action.  YOU CAN HAVE MANY GREAT IDEAS IN YOUR HEAD, BUT WHAT MAKES THE DIFFERENCE IS ACTION.  WITHOUT ACTION UPON AN IDEA, THERE WILL BE NO MANIFESTATION, NO RESULTS AND NO REWARD ... 

God is life.  God is life in action.  The best way to say, I love you God", is to live your life doing your best.  The best way to say, "Thank You God," is by letting go of the past and living in the present moment, right here and right now. 

Whatever life takes away from you, let it go. 

When you surrender and let go of the past, you allow yourself to befully alive in the moment.  Letting go of the past means you can enjoy the dream that is happening right now ... There is no time to miss anyone or anything because you are alive. 

Not enjoying what is happening right now is living in the past and being only half alive.  This leads to self-pity, suffering and tears. 

You were born with the right to be happy.  You were born with the right to love, to enjoy and to share your love.  You are alive, so take your life and enjoy it.  Don't resist life passing through you. 

Just your existence proves the existence of God.  Your existence prove the existence of life and energy ... We don't need to know or prove anything.  Just to be, to take a risk and enjoy life, is all that matters. 

Say no when you want to say no, and yes when you want to say yes.  You have the right to be you. 

You can only be you when you do your best ... By doing your best, the habits of misusing your word, taking things personally, and making assumptions will become weaker and less frequent with time.  You don't need to judge yourself, feel guilty, or punish yourself if you can't keep these agreements ... If you do your best in the search for personal freedom, in the search for self-love, you will discover that it's just a matter of time before you find what you are looking for.  

Powerful!  I have been excited about this point of view from the first time I read it.  I understand more about myself every time I return to this book.  I am sharing it with you but it is your choice what to do with it.  Just trying my best to keep the Four Agreements creates opportunities to praise myself every time I catch myself doing something right!  Over my lifetime, I have accepted other agreements about me, my life, my family, and the world and not all of them were kind to me, my life, my family and the world.  Some of those ideas held me back and opened me up to abusing myself.  Those false beliefs opened me up to receive other people's beliefs that matched my own poison and exchanging that kind of poison is just two people abusing each other.   

I was a victim.  I abused myself by criticizing myself.  I abused myself when I thought I didn't do something good enough.  I abused myself when I made mistakes.  Because I was saying negative things to myself, I allowed other people to say the same things to me because deep down, I already thought those things were true.  They weren't true.  I did dumb things but I am NOT a dumb person.  I made mistakes but I am NOT a mistake.  I needed to forgive myself for getting me into some of those messes and then relegate those messes in the past where they belong. 

Bad things could have happened a year ago or ten years ago but they are in the past.  The only way they can hurt me now is if I bring them back.  Some things hurt like heck a year ago but it doesn't have to come back and hurt me 30 seconds ago!  There is no good that will come out of keeping that pain alive. 

If I can forgive me, I can apply the same forgiveness to the people who might have hurt me.  Using the Four Agreements, I can accept that what they did at the time was more about them than it was about me.  I can't make any assumption about what they did or why they did it because I do not know, and even if I asked that person, they may not know either.  Anger, Jealousy, Rage all come from fear ... and the ones who hurt us may not know or be ready to know why they hurt us because they are still so busy hurting themselves.  Doing our best means having compassion for ourselves, and the ones around us.  

If I keep my speech impeccable, if I don't take anything personally, if I don't make assumptions, and if I do my best every day for all the days of my life, that is all that I can do.  If others choose to do the same thing, that is their choice.  If others choose not to do the same thing, that is also their choice. 

I can only do what I can do to make my life a better place for me.  

Tags: The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz, Healing, Recovery

I Can CLAIM IT and SO CAN YOU !!!

I remember a time ... about a year into my recovery ... when I had to work in Greenville more.  Greenville is about 30 miles away from my home and to get there I had to travel a stretch of road that is near Aydan's house.  In the beginning, I had avoided Greenville and going anywhere near that stretch, but on that day, as I was driving, I remembered the way I used to feel ... a long time ago now ... that feeling of anticipation, like the first day of school, wearing a new dress, looking forward to company coming ... excited, just a little happier than usual because something good was about to happen, and I realized that I have always had that feeling!

That overall feeling of goodness and well being didn't belong to anyone but me!  I have attached it to lots of people, places and even things but the feeling was mine, and I can call it up at will.  I can choose that emotion or I can choose another emotion.  It was and is MY CHOICE!

When I got "hooked in" to the abuse, one of the "hooks" was that all my happiness began and ended with him, but that is a BIG FAT LIE!  Another "hook" was that if I was just a little bit nicer, a little more patient, a little more pleasing, he'd "feel the love" and he'd be nicer too!  ANOTHER BIG FAT LIE!  My abuser used to reinforce those LIES I told myself by saying things like, "NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU LIKE I LOVE YOU" and "NO ONE HAS EVER HELPED ME THE WAY YOU HAVE HELPED ME".  I am not saying that there are NOT times that we all decide consciously to give more than we get in a relationship.  Most of us who are Mothers know that being a Mom means making willing sacrifices for our children, but our romantic relationships don't come from that place and shouldn't! 

When we buy into that unequal give and take from our partner, we can be setting ourselves up for abuse long before it ever happens.  He couldn't have called me the first name if I hadn't let him.  If I had a stronger sense of myself, he never would have gotten to hit me more than once!  I would have had healthier boundaries. 

Of course, I didn't want him to call me names. 

Of course, I didn't want him to hit me. 

Of course, I didn't want him to push me around. 

Of course, I didn't want him to criticize or ridicule me. 

Of course, I didn't want him to threaten my life with a cocked and loaded shotgun! 

BUT I allowed those things to happen without consequence for months, even years ... BUT NOT ANYMORE!

Driving down that stretch of road with my sunglasses on and hair blowing in the wind, my mind walked through my life and I realized how far I had come to be able to look back with such clarity. 

It was bad.  It's isn't NOW! 

Today, I can CHOOSE.  I can CLAIM the GOOD EMOTIONS and let go of the bad ones!  I can CLAIM GOOD RELATIONSHIPS and let go of the bad ones! 

The BEST PART is that I can call up those GOOD FEELINGS that I always gave everyone else credit for by SIMPLY FEELING THEM!  They were mine all along.  They weren't about him or any other man in my life, although I thought so.  They were MINE. 

They were MY excitement, MY anticipation, MY hopes, MY dreams, and all I have to do to feel that way at any given time on any given day is remind myself of all the times I have felt that IN LOVE WITH LIFE FEELING!  That's right!  Right NOW!  It's not about other people, other places, or other things. 

I am the AUTHOR of my own joy!

I used to feel happiness on that stretch of road and attach it to him ... but today, I felt happiness on that stretch of road and it was ALL MINE.  It wasn't attached to anyone else but me.  It was mine today. 

In fact, I feel that same JOY driving through the mountains, whether I am with someone else or all by myself!  Sure, it's nice to share those moments with someone else, but if there is no one else at the moment, I don't have to lose the moment all together! 

I can live in THAT MOMENT.  I don't have to look too far down the road or too far back.  JUST TODAY.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring.  I am beginning to understand the past but I don't want to live there!  I have today, this moment, and TODAY, I CHOOSE JOY!  I claim it.  I can call up good feelings or bad ones ... It really is MY CHOICE.  It has been all along!

A few days later, I found this book and felt affirmation and confirmation that I am headed in the right direction! 

 

The Power Of NOW
by Eckhart Tolle  

(thoughts about living in the NOW)  

FORGIVENESS ... 

means recognizing the insubstantiality of the past and allowing the present moment to be as it is.  The miracle of transformation happens not only within but also without.  Relinquish your attachment to past and future and to make the NOW the main focus of your life.  

WHEREVER YOU ARE, BE THERE TOTALLY.

If you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally. If you want to take responsibility for your life, you must choose one of those three options, and you must choose now.  Then accept the consequences.  

ALWAYS SAY "YES" ... 

to the present moment.  Surrender to what IS.  Say "yes" to life - and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you.  

YOU CAN ALWAYS COPE WITH THE NOW ...

but you can never cope with the future - nor do you have to.  The answer, the strength, the right action, or the resource will be there when you need it, not before, not after.  

We can do that!

Tags: The Power Of Now, Eckhart Tolle, Abusive Relationships, Recovery, Healing

HOLIDAY SURVIVAL NOTES

First ... Back to basics!  In the hustle and bustle of traffic and crowds, we must always remember that the holiday isn't about the perfect tree or the perfect gift for every one on our list.  It isn't about this year's hot toy or whatever the media is saying about the economy.

Christmas is about God sending a little baby to save the world ... It's about being thankful for what that baby grew up to be and how baby Jesus became the Savior of us all.  We can look around us every day and see evidence of a loving Creator, whether it's a songbird outside our window, the smell of fresh cut grass or a beautiful sunset ... He's there every day, but long before any of us were even thought of, God chose to show us how MUCH He loved us ... to show us what he was willing to do to insure that we could all be with Him FOREVER.

Every parent who has ever sent a son into battle knows a portion of what God must have felt, sending their precious child into harms way to defend the rest of us ... Any one who has lost a loved one knows a portion of what God must have felt ... Any farmer who has left his flock to go after one that was lost or left behind understands a portion of what God must have felt ... Any parent who has watched their child do a very good thing and felt their heart swell with pride is the way God feels when He looks down on us.

God knows what we have been through.  He was there when we acted foolishly and made mistakes.  He was there when in spite of what was happening around us, we chose to do the right thing.  Who do you think gave you the idea?  Who do you think whispers to us when there is a decision to be made?  Who do you think whispers to us when we are headed into a dangerous place?  Who do you think is whispering to us at the beginning of each new day?

"Get up Sweetie.  Wake up.  I have prepared the most wonderful day for you.  I have little miracles set up all along your path today.  Keep your eyes open.  I wouldn't want you to miss a single one!  I love you.  C'mon ... let me show you my surprise!"

Second, No matter where you are or what you are doing, stop a minute and look around!  You already have EVERYTHING you need to be happy because happiness starts inside you.  You want this holiday to be special because you LOVE them, right?  Right!  Instead of looking for "the perfect gift", think about how you can show them how much you love them.  Let whatever you do be a token of your LOVE.

It does change how you look at the crowds and the traffic and the rush!  How can you not smile at the people you meet?  You are all out there searching for tokens of your love for the people in your life!  That should be EXCITING for every one involved!  What good is a token of our love if we got mad at the lady that took our parking place, complained to the other people in the check-out line about how long this was taking, glared at the clerk when the cash register messed up, ran into a display with our cart because we were in too much of a hurry, loaded the car and leaving the cart for someone else to worry about, rush home, throw some wrapping paper on it and put it under the tree, happy to have that one out of the way?  You didn't really put much love in that little token of love, did you?

If the purpose is to give love, you need to give patience, kindness and peace all along the way!  Who cares if you missed that parking place?  There's plenty of places to park.  Would it kill you to wait in line a little longer?  Isn't there something you could do to pass the time instead of complaining to the people around you?  What's your hurry?  Slow down!  You might actually see something that will make you smile.  Everyone else is out shopping too.  The odds are good that you will run into old friends and neighbors.  What a great opportunity to share some of that HOLIDAY CHEER they sing about!  Take a minute.  Ask them how they are doing?  Give them a hug.  When you get home, make yourself some cocoa, coffee or tea, turn on some Christmas music and wrap your little token of love with care.  Take a little extra time to write a note that says, in your own words, "I am so thankful that you are in my life."

Third, while you are thinking about God's love for us and your love for friends and family, take some time to love yourself!

Of course, the calendar is full of Christmas Programs and Concerts and Tree Lightings and Office Parties and Drop-Ins ... LOTS of things you feel you have to do.  You have some things you want to bake.  There is always last minute shopping.  BUT, what are you going to do for you?  You probably aren't on the top of your Christmas list, but you need to be on there somewhere!

Give yourself the gift of time.  Breathing Space.  A little moment in the middle of it all to regroup and refuel.  Do something you really want to do!  Maybe, make some popcorn and watch a favorite movie ... whether it's a Christmas movie or a classic ... do it for you.  Maybe, it's a luxurious bubble bath?  Maybe, a long walk in the woods?  Maybe, a hobby?  Painting or scrap booking or a jigsaw puzzle?  Maybe, you really would like to meet a friend for coffee and dessert?  Maybe, you would like to take a holiday drive, complete with a hot cup of cocoa, Christmas Music and a neighborhood full of Christmas Lights?  Maybe, there is a great big lighted Christmas Tree in your town that would be just perfect for laying your cares and burdens down and asking God to take care of them for you?  Any one of those things can become an annual tradition for you, some private moment that you give yourself?

My holidays are much more joyful these days.  I try to keep them much simpler than in past years.  I try to be extra kind to the clerks and waiters and strangers that I pass by ... I say MERRY CHRISTMAS as much and as often as I can, to remind myself and those around me that HE IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON!

Holidays haven't always been this way!  There were some of those first holidays away from home when work kept me away from my family.  There were holidays with in-laws and other people's families where the company was nice and the food was good but it still wasn't HOME.  There were the holidays as a single mom when I worried about whether there would be enough money for food and gifts.  There were BIG family holidays, crammed full of grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews and all their friends!

There were also those joyless, sad holidays with an abuser.  Holidays with a man like Aydan are never fun.  Nothing I did was ever good enough!  I would shop for weeks, looking for exactly the perfect gifts for him and he would run around his house the night before, grabbing things he didn't want or use anymore and wrap them up for me.

I am rolling my eyes and saying with sarcasm: 

"Real romantic!" 

I would cook for days, preparing traditional holiday favorites and nothing was ever good enough for him.  He would complain all through dinner.  Most of his life, he has cooked his own holiday meals which consisted of a six pack and cold pizza but instead of being grateful that I went to so much trouble for him, he was moody and critical.

I couldn't help but wonder what there was to celebrate?  Aydan claimed he didn't believe in Christmas anyway ... that it wasn't the "real" day Jesus was born so why honor a pagan tradition?  I always thought that was odd.  I read what Dr. Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited, Narcissism, Pathological Narcissism, The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the Narcissist, and Relationships with Abusive Narcissists and Psychopaths, thought about holidays and a big light went off!  So THAT'S why Aydan was so weird about holidays! 

Here's what Dr. Vaknin wrote:

Holiday blues are a common occurrence even among the mentally sound. In me they provoke a pathological envy. I am jealous at others for having a family, or for being able to celebrate lavishly, or for being in the right, festive mood. I keep telling myself:

Look at those inferior imitations of humans, slaves of their animated corpses, wasting their time, pretending to be happy". Yet, deep inside, I know that I am the defective one. I realize that my inability to rejoice is a protracted and unusual punishment I do to myself. I am sad and enraged. I want to spoil it for those who can. I want them to share my misery, to reduce them to my level of emotional abstinence and absence.

I hate humans because I am unable to be one.

A long time ago, I wrote (http://samvak.tripod.com/archive22.html ):

I hate holidays and birthdays, including my birthday. It is because I hate it when other people are happy if I am not the cause of it. I have to be the prime mover and shaker of EVERYONE's mood. And no one will tell me HOW I should feel. I am my own master. I feel that their happiness is false, fake, forced. I feel that they are hypocrites, dissimulating joy where there is none. I feel envious, humiliated by my envy, and enraged by my humiliation.

I feel that they are the recipients of a gift I will never have: the ability to enjoy life and to feel joy. And then I do my best to destroy their mood:  I bring bad news, provoke a fight, make a disparaging remark, project a dire future, sow uncertainty in the relationship, and when the other person is sour and sad, I feel relieved.

It's back to normal. My mood improves dramatically and I try to cheer her up. Now if she does cheer up - it is REAL. It is my doing. I controlled it. And I controlled HER.

Holidays remind me of my childhood, of the supportive and loving family I never had, of what could have been, and never was, and, as I grow older, I know, will never be. I feel deprived and, coupled with my rampant paranoia, I feel cheated and persecuted. I rail against the indifferent injustice of a faceless, cold world. Holidays are a conspiracy of the emotional haves against the emotional haves not.

Birthdays are an injury, an imposition, a reminder of vulnerability, a fake event artificially construed. I destroy in order to equalize the misery. I rage in order to induce rage. Holidays createin me an abundance of negative emotions, the only ones I consciously possess.

On holidays and on my birthday, I make it a point to carry on routinely.

I accept no gifts, I do not celebrate, I work till the wee hours of the night. It is a demonstrative refusal to participate, a rejection of social norms, an "in your face" statement of withdrawal. It makes me feel unique. It makes me feel even more deprived and punished. It feeds the furnace of hatred, the bestial anger, the all engulfing scorn I harbor. I want to be drawn out of my sulk and pouting - yet, I decline any such offer, evade any such attempt, hurt those who try to make me smile and to forget. In times like that, in holidays and birthdays, I am reminded of this fundamental truth: my voluptuous, virulent, spiteful, hissing and spitting grudge is all I have. Those who threaten to take it away from me - with their love, affection, compassion, or care - are my mortal enemies indeed.

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited
Narcissism, Pathological Narcissism, The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the Narcissist,
and Relationships with Abusive Narcissists and Psychopaths
By: Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.

Again, I think that describes a pretty sad way to live, but it is Aydan's choice.  There are some people who really don't want us to "cheer" them up.  "Happiness" is an emotion they never learned to trust.  Men like him must like it or they wouldn't insist on living that way.  What does your man do with your holidays?  Does he rain on your parade?  Does he start a fight just so he won't have to go spend time with your family?  Does he start a fight with you so that it's okay (you're actually glad he's gone so the rest of you can get some peace!) for him to duck out and go to the bar with his buddies?  How many holidays are you going to let him ruin?  Aydan won't ruin any more of mine, and my family is better for it! 

What can you do if you are still with the man or woman that abuses you?

What can you do if this is the first holiday away from that abuse and you are still too tired to participate?   

You can do your best.  That is all you can do.  Remind yourself why YOU celebrate the holiday.  Honor what traditions you can.  There is a spark inside each of us that is always hooked into the goodness and kindness of the world around us.  We are all part of a bigger picture.  We don't always feel connected.  We don't always feel good.  Our world might not seem very kind at all, but the spark is still there, dimly burning, waiting to burn strong again ...

I read this:  

"When you discover your own spark, the God within you, many elements that you have felt are wounded can suddenly be healed. 

Letting your spark light up a dark and dangerous world is a way of healing both you and your world.  

Nothing can be more precious than a dark night of the soul, the very darkness of which allows your light (as dim as it might seem to you) to shine.  It may be painful, discouraging, and challenging, but it is nevertheless an important revelation of what your life is about.  In the darkness, you see things you couldn't see in the daylight.  The seeds of spiritual faith ... are found in your darkness.   

You become the wounded healer, someone who has made the descent and knows the territory.  

You take on depth of color and range of feeling.  Your intelligence is now more deeply rooted and not dependent only on facts and reason.  Your darkness has given you character and color and capacity.  Now you are free to make a real contribution.  It is a gift!"  

(Taken from: Dark Nights of the Soul - A Guide To Finding Your Way Through Life's Ordeals by Thomas Moore)

This year, when I think of the things I am thankful for, I do include the darkest times because those are the times I grew strongest in my faith.  I found strength I never knew I had.  I had to work harder to understand what was going on around me and inside me.  It wasn't easy to find meaning in the midst of so much chaos but I did find meaning!

It quit being about why I was in the dark.  It became more about how to get out of the dark.  Like fumbling around for a candle and a match when the power goes out, it takes time to find the light.  It's not easy.  We are disoriented.  There are obstacles.  Things that we walk past easily in the light become a real test in the dark.  Eventually, our eyes adjust and we quit being afraid and just accept that are some things we will have to do differently ...

But the lights always come back on ... and dark times really do end.

There is always hope.

So this holiday season, the holiday when we celebrate God sending His son as the LIGHT OF THE WORLD, no matter where you are or what you are doing, I would encourage you to let HIS LIGHT shine on YOU. 

Let the feeling of HOPE growing inside YOU be YOUR CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

 

Tags: Holiday Survival, Malignant Self Love, Narcissism, Sam Vankin, Dark Nights Of The Soul, Thomas Moore, Abuse, Recovery, Healing

FINDING COMFORT and SURVIVING THE LOSS

Maybe you like to read?  Maybe you don't?  You are reading this, aren't you?  I thought about the books I have read and which ones I wanted to share first:

FINDING COMFORT IN YOUR OWN SKIN
Reclaiming Your Authentic Self
By Jen El  

Once you begin to take charge of your life, it will take on a force that will intensify your actions to bring you home ... home to a place you may have never been before.  Your questions are always answered when you listen, and follow your heart.  

Since there is only one now, WE MAY AS WELL FORGIVE OURSELVES FOR PAST MISTAKES.  We must learn from our lessons, and start having fun.  Begin to have fun right now.  There really is only NOW.  Surrendering to this moment allows us to live in the present.  That's when everything starts to make sense and fall into place ... Life doesn't need to be hard.  Living in the NOW means living each minute as if it's my last, and feeling great and comfortable while doing so.   

It's okay to surrender to where you are, and at the same time ... take action now to remedy your tomorrow.  If you want to change your future, you must consciously choose to let go of suffering, anguish and bitterness ... It's good to be thankful for all the suffering we've experienced in the past, for it has brought our consciousness to a place of desiring to search for a better tomorrow.   

Having no expectations is part of living life in the moment.  Having no expectations usually just makes life more enjoyable for you and everyone around you because it's hard to be disappointed when you expect nothing.  

Whenever I feel nervous, tense, sensitive, upset, defeated, agitated, angry, worried, or have low energy, I better know to walk away and breath deeply.  Try it!  It brings a sense of balance, and feeling centered.  Breathing stimulates you to the core, and helps you reach the depths of your soul!  It can bring a sense of CALM like you have never experienced before.  

We can run but we cannot hide from our issues.  Until we grant ourselves the favor to stop, experience, face issues and forgive all involved, including (and especially) ourselves from getting into certain situations, then nothing will ever be healed or resolved.  

If faith and fear really can't live in the same place at the same time, and we choose FAITH, which means to trust or believe.  

NEGATIVE COMMENTS can create anticipation, panic, desperation, depression, apprehension, extreme agitation, and fear.  

POSITIVE COMMENTS can create an unstoppable, self-sufficient, self reliant, independent, competent, confident, well-adjusted human being.

• Greatness means to be who you are!
• Know that this is your life to live as you choose!
• Dare to be GREAT!
• Set realistic goals, yet always reach for the sky!
• It's okay to make mistakes.
• Resentment and blame stops the flow of creativity!
• Inspire people to greatness!
• It's what I think about myself that counts, so "nominate your self"!
• We have great roots and heritage since our father is God!
• Get over the limited thinking of yourself and others!
• Listen to your heart more often.
• THINK a plan through.
• WRITE IT DOWN and be specific.
• DRAW A ROADMAP of where andhow you want your life to go.
• DO THE WORK.
• DON'T BE LAZY with yourself.
• WRITE DOWN YOUR SHORT TERM GOALS first ... What do you need to do first?
• WRITE THE WAY YOU WANT YOUR LIFE TO LOOK next year, in three years, in five years, and even ten years.
• THE KEY IS TO START LIVING NOW, AS IF EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE!  I've never heard of anyone who regretted living his or her dreams!  

There's always a price in life for getting what you want.  It's simply a matter of what you are willing to give up in order to get what you want!  What are you willing to give up ... television, sleep, a job, a meal, a relationship that's not working?  YOU GET TO CALL ALL THE SHOTS IN YOUR LIFE.  Only you can make the final decisions that will change the outcome of your life story.  

Trying to force things into place is exhausting.  It's all a mystery to me.  What matters is the journey.  Enjoy the journey, because your constructing your reality into existence as you go ... Everything one does in life inevitably leads to where you are destined to be, especially if you pay attention.  Getting around in life is surprisingly easy once you stop coming up with reasons and excuses why you can't do something!  When you give up your excuses, you'll have the results you want!  

If something doesn't feel right ... then it probably isn't!  If you get a tremendous "YES" with passion oozing from your heart, and get joy-bumps of happiness, then for goodness sake, especially your own ... just do it!  It will not only benefit you, it will benefit everyone else as well!  

WARNING: NEVER LET ANYONE INTIMIDATE YOU AGAIN!  If someone tries to intimidate you, it simply means that they are trying to make you wrong or bully you because they feel inadequate!  Never give your power away!  Your heart and soul and spirit are yours.  

THERE COULD BE VARIOUS REASONS WHY SOMETHING DIDN'T TURN OUT TO BE OR FEEL RIGHT FOR YOU, BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY.  

By paying attention to our needs, wants and desires, we will "stop putting our life on hold!"  There's nothing else to do except just be and have fun.  Begin filling your daily schedule with things that enrich you, rather than exhaust you ... Go ahead ... give yourself "permission" to go for it and have it all!  Everything you do matters!  

Forgive yourself and others if necessary for miscalculating along the way, and / or wasting precious time and MOVE ON!  Turn the lemon into lemonade!  If we are fortunate, we realize everything we do is never waste of time or a mistake, but rather a learning experience which takes us onward and upward, gradually proceeding toward our next dream, goal, or vision enjoyably toward the next base.  

What looks like ERRORS along the way will all fit into place sooner or later!  We know there are no accidents in life, and everything happens for a reason.   

So trust in the universe, and listen.  You'll always be lead to the place you're supposed to be next.  The perfect people will always show up, who will lead you at least one step closer to your dreams, and goals.  Once you learn a lesson, there is no way to erase the knowledge.  Allowing yourself the freedom of exploring the deepest levels of your character and personality, is a gift.  

If you're not happy in your current situation, then you're wasting your life and your time here on earth.  It's time you know and recognize that you're just too good for nonsense.  Relationships can be notorious for all kinds of abuse, whether it's physical, mental or verbal.  There's no reason to allow abusive behavior EVER!  If your significant other is not your best friend, you might want to ask yourself ... why not?  Best friends bring out the best in each other ... not the worst! 

If you're in a relationship and your mate is physically, mentally, or verbally abusive, get some help immediately.  If you've both gone through counseling and the abuse is continued ... get out now while you're still alive ... Abusers are FOOLS, and that makes you not only a victim, but a FOOL as well, if you stay in that kind of relationship.  Get out now while you're still alive!  

Sometimes, I don't always have the "happy ending" I had hoped for, but that's okay, because there are no mistakes in life, and sometimes we need to move on from certain situations.  Remember ... we are a "work in progress!"  

Make sure you choose a mate who is already KIND, has high morals and integrity, and knows the difference between right and wrong ... Make sure any person you enter into a relationship with is worth your time and energy.  If not, why are you with them?  You should be able to do just about anything with your life partner.  I want to know that I can ask my mate for assistance with anything and he'll be there for me.  

There are too many good people in the world to hang out with the foolish ones!  

We always know when it's time to move on.  Once you have finally gotten the courage to walk away, the ABUSIVE PARTNER usually wants you back.  This is because they had the opportunity to finally miss you and appreciate WHAT THEY "HAD", and see the errors of their ways.  Or, it's a matter of losing "control" over you and they want it back.  But it's frequently too late because the damage has been done.   

It's very unfortunate that most people never realize what they had until they have lost it.  

• Move on ... You owe it to yourself now!
• Do what you love.
• Get out of your own way.
• Put your needs first.
• Put a smile back on your face.
• Don'tlook to others to put it there for you.
• Take responsibility for your health, appearance and the well being of your body.
• Love who you see when you look in the mirror before inviting others into your world.
• Know that you are already whole and complete.
• Be grateful for what you already have.
• Know that taking care of you is not selfish.

    

HOW TO SURVIVE THE LOSS OF A LOVE
by Melba Colgrove, Ph.D., Harold H. Bloomfield, M.D. and Peter McWilliams

I have to admit that I have turned to this book every time I've lost someone or something important to me.  It's a little hard to find these days, but you can still order it from Amazon or Barnes & Noble.  It was first published in 1976, but as you know, loss and surviving loss are timeless topics.  This book takes you gently through the loss, surviving, healing and growth in thoughts and poems.  The poems are my favorite.  They articulate the moments better than I can describe them myself in the twist of a word and the turn of a phrase, words like:

Come to stay or stay away.

I have to remember don't fall (in love again) until you see the whites of their lies.

A new morning of a new life without you, so? There will be others, much finer, much mine-er ...

The need you grew still remains, but less and less you seem the way to fill that need.  I am.

In being loved I am filled full.  In loving I am fulfilled.

I cannot keep my smiles in single file.

See? Aren't they wonderful?  The book deals with the practical steps involvedin traveling through grief and recovery, but near the end of the book is a series of affirmations.  You can put them on your bathroom mirror, the first thing you read in the morning, and the last thing you see at night.  They are good things to tell yourself!

I am worthy.

I am worthy of my life and all the good that is in it.

I am worthy of a degree of happiness that could only be referred to as "sinful" in less enlightened times.

I am worthy of creativity, sensitivity and appreciation.

I am worthy of peace of mind, peace on earth, peace in the valley, and a piece of the action!

I am worthy of God's presence in my life.

I am worthy of love.

Tags: Finding Comfort In Your Own Skin, Jen El, How To Survive The Loss Of A Love, Abuse, Recovery, Healing

FORGIVENESS

Forgiveness?

It's hard to forgive people who are unforgivable, and even harder to forgive people who have wronged you and don't think they have done anything wrong ... but the principle is the same, no matter who you are trying to forgive.

Forgiveness frees YOU. 

Sheila Heen, author of Difficult Conversations, said it very well when she said, "Although forgiveness might have been something you have done for others, it's something you really do for yourself.  You have two choices:  You can forgive, which will positively effect your own happiness, well-being and future relationships.  Or ... you can let the hurt and anger inflicted on you continue to dominate your life.  It's YOUR choice.  Really."

"Forgiveness is a complicated, difficult, and messy process."  Again, Ms. Heen is right.  

Forgiveness can be the greatest challenge you face, because, while you're healing, it may be something you have to do over and over ... When you think of something that he said or did, go ahead and think about it for a minute, realize that it said more about him and his outlook on life than it ever said about you and the unique individual that you are, and then, let it go.  It happened to you but IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A PART OF WHO YOU ARE NOW.

I think about it this way.  I can forgive and keep my conscience clear or I can let his RAGE do me permanent harm by letting it become a part of my life and who I am.  He won a small victory when he abused me.  He sure showed me!  BUT that insignificant victory is pretty hollow if it didn't do me permanent damage, and I won't let him beat me twice!

No matter what he did to me ... no matter what your abuser did to you ... it doesn't "touch" our spirits, unless we let it.  I'm NOT going to give my power away!  My spirit is strong.  I am a valuable person.  I have something to offer this world.  I can't be who I want to be and do the things I dream of doing if I let him, his bad attitude and his inappropriate behavior stop me.  I will not let his rage take over my life too!  He is exactly what I will become if I let rage rule my life.  I have seen rage!  I have seen rage up close and personal.  I have felt his wrath.  I don't want to end up like that!  I am too good to get pulled into HIS poison.

I don't know where you are in your recovery.  Some days, I'm mad.  Some days, I'm sad.  Some days, I'm thoughtful and contemplating the lessons I can learn about myself and other people.  Some days, I am astounded and surprised at how evil a person can be.  Some days, I am grateful and quite thankful that MOST people are good and kind.  Some days, I can actually laugh at the absurdity of it all.  Some days, I let myself think about the revenge I could inflict on my abuser ... BUT the best revenge is forgiving him!

Revenge???

Who hasn't thought about it?  I even dream about it sometimes!  

I watched Forest Gump the other night before I went to sleep ... There is a scene in the movie where Forest Gump has the house that his wife grew up in bulldozed after her death because she had been hurt there and he wanted to do away with the memory.  

I didn't think much of it, but apparently, my subconscious did!  I dreamed that my friend and I went over to Aydan's house and bulldozed the house and all it's contents and hauled it away to the dump!  The sun was shining and there we sat in Aydan's front yard, giggling like little girls that had just played a trick on someone ... I woke up laughing.  OF COURSE, I WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A THING IN REAL LIFE!  Maybe, it was my subconscious way of getting rid of the place where I was hurt?   

Revenge in real life is a waste of spirit.  I read Melody Beattie's thoughts on Revenge:  

REVENGE.  

No matter how long we'vebeen recovering,no matter how solid our spiritual ground, we may still feel an overwhelming desire at times to punish, or get even, with another person.  

We want revenge.  We want to see the other person hurt the way he hurt us.  We want to see life deal that person just rewards.  In fact, we would like to help life out.  Those are normal feelings, but we do not have to act on them.  These feelings are part of our anger but it's not our job to deal justice.  

We can allow ourselves to feel the anger.  It is helpful to go one step deeper and let ourselves feel the other feelings - the hurt, the pain, the anguish.  But our goal is to release the feelings, and be finished with them.  

We can hold the other person accountable.  We can hold the other person responsible.  But it is not our responsibility to be judge and jury.  Actively seeking revenge will not help us.  It will block us and hold us back.  

Walk away.  Stop playing the game.  Unhook.  Learn your lesson.  Thank the other person for having taught you something valuable.  And be finished with it.  Put it behind, with the lesson intact.   Acceptance helps. 

So does forgiveness - not the kind that invites that person to use us again, but a forgiveness that releases the other person and sets him or her free to walk a separate path, while releasing our anger and resentments.  That sets us free to walk our own path.  

Today, I will be angry as I need to be, with a goal of finishing my business with others.  Once I have released my hurt and anger, I will strive for healthy forgiveness- forgiveness with boundaries.  I understand that boundaries, coupled with forgiveness and compassion, will move me forward.   

Robin Norwood (author of WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH) shared an idea that worked the BEST for me:   

Every time he came into my thoughts, I would pray as sincerely as I could for His Highest good.  

Period.  

Robin Norwood said, "Even if it's taken you years to get over relationships before, you'll be amazed at how quickly you'll HEAL when you take this approach."  She was right.  

NO ONE CAN TELL YOU HOW LONG HEALING WILL TAKE.   

Some people get over things more quickly than others.  I want the lesson from this experience to last the rest of my life!  Of course we will feel sadness, anger, disappointment, revenge, pain, rejection, self doubt and all the other feelings we'd like to skip over, but go ahead and feel those things ... Feel the full impact.  Trust the inner workings of our spirits and our hearts.  I didn't understand it the first time I heard it, but the deeper we feel any emotion, the deeper we feel all emotions.   

It's as if feeling all those negative things CLEARS THE AIR AND OPENS OUR HEARTS, MAKING ROOM FOR THE "GOOD EMOTIONS" ... the ones we have longed our whole lives for!  I am surprised at how good it feels to LAUGH!  I feel a PEACE that runs much deeper than surface now.  I am more THANKFUL and more GRATEFUL for my family and friends.  I LOVE from a different place than I used to.  I HELP from a different place than I used to.  It is as though all those really negative, awful things burned away parts of me that were holding me back.  

I fought back legally.  I held him accountable.  I didn't let him intimidate me.  I stood tall.  I faced my fears.  I learned.  I grew.  I OUTGREW HIM.  I climbed out of the hole he dug for me and I am never going back! 

I'm FREE!  I can soak up the sun, smell the flowers, and listen to the birds sing.  They are singing for me.  I won!  I won my soul back ... one day at a time, I earned the right to soak up my own sunshine, smell my own flowers, and can you hear the birds?  They're singing for me!  They're singing for you too!  This is my life.  This is your life.  It's the only one we have. 

WHY WASTE ANYMORE OF OUR LIVES ON ANGER, BITTERNESS OR UNFORGIVENESS?

Tags: Abuse, Forgiveness, Revenge, Bitterness, Recovery, Healing

What Do YOU Want?

Yesterday, I said the best support anyone can give is to ask you what YOU want.  We have talked about my decisions.  We have talked about options.  I know we have talked about this a dozen different ways but ... 

What Do YOU Really Want? 

Give yourself all the time you need to answer that question, because no one can "reason their way out of this place"!!!   We can read.  We can talk to our closest friends.  We can go for long walks.  We can pray.  All of that helps, but in the end, our hearts decide.  

I can't and won't tell you what to do.  You can decide what's best for you.  

I decided that I liked myself too much to let anyone abuse me anymore.  I decided that being alone was better than being with someone who made my head swim with all his demands. 

I decided that being alone was better than being with someone who made my stomach churn every time he hollered at me or called me names.  I decided that being alone was better than walking on eggshells, waiting for the next shoe to drop, and defending my every action and thought ... I decided to live for me instead of for him. 

The physical abuse wasn't as bad as the emotional abuse.  He was killing my spirit and breaking my heart with every mean word and ugly name!  I put up with a lot of pushing, shoving, belittling and name calling before he ever carried that gun in the room.  I always hoped things would get better but they never did.  Most things in a relationship are negotiable, but the gun was not.  

You have put up with things too.  Maybe, he drinks too much?  Maybe, he gets crabby when he's hungry or tired or frustrated ... Maybe, you don't mind it when he takes it out on you?  Maybe, he eats with his mouth open, smacking his lips and biting his fork the whole time he's criticizing your table manners?  Maybe he dresses like a bum and criticizes theclothes you wear?  Maybe, he tries to keep you away from your friends and family?  Maybe, he makes fun of you in front of other people?  Maybe, you think he needs you and you are the only one that really understands him?  Maybe, you are afraid of hurting him like everyone else has?  Maybe, there was a reason all those others hurt him!  Maybe, he deserved what he got?  Isn't he a Jerk most of the time? 

I don't know what your answers are.  I do know that while you and I spend all this time worrying about them, they are certainly NOT thinking about us! 

I struggled with my own answers until Aydan went too far ... I had no choice.  It wasn't what my heart wanted to do, but I had to turn away.  It was too dangerous to stay.

Know what has happened since I have been away?

My head hardly ever hurts anymore!  My stomach only churns when I'm really hungry.  My friends say I seem so relaxed.  I became more patient with other people because I wasn't wasting all my energy on him!  I found myself smiling and singing with the radio more. 

My energy came back!  I felt like me before there ever was a him ... but this ME is older and wiser ... a new and improved version! 

I saw couples walking together and I noticed how some older men care for their wives.  I saw men bringing their wives coffee and holding their hands and touching their shoulders when they leaned in to say something ... I watched them dance like people do when they have danced together for a very long time.  I thought about what kind of man I wanted to wake up with and what kind of man I wanted to share coffee with and what kind of man I wanted to share new things with.  I wanted him to be gentle.  I wanted him to smile easily.  I wanted him to tell me what he really wants and I wanted to feel free to say what I really want and then we would do those things for each other. 

That's not a pipe dream!  There are good men out there.  There are men who would be thrilled to have women like us!  There are men who have chosen to stay by themselves until someone just like us comes along, but we can't be that woman until we let go of the past ... the past that hurt us and the people who need to stay in the past ... Let them go!  Walk away.  Just walk away.  You are already moving closer to your dream.  He could be in the next coffee shop, on the next bus, in the next book store, sitting across from you in church.  He could already be in your life, pretending to be just your friend while you get over that loser!   

Yes, I said it!  That mean guy is a LOSER.  Your mean guy lost you, right?  My mean guy lost me, didn't he?  He lost everyone else.  He's going to lose the next one too, unless he changes and that isn't likely.  Abusers, by their very nature, hardly ever change because they don't think there's anything wrong with them!  You know I'm telling the truth!  When your guy fights, who apologizes?  You, right?  How often has he ever said he was wrong?  He can't!  He isn't capable of it!   Maybe, that's okay with you ... Maybe, you are willing to sacrifice your own sanity and happiness to try to make him happy?  You aren't the first person to do that.  There aren't any statues erected to women like that and there aren't any books about those kind of relationships because who would want to buy them?   

I'm going to be the hero in my story.  I'm going to find a happy ending!  I'd gladly lay down my life for a friend but guys like Aydan are not our friends!  They are not even NICE GUYS even though they say they are! They don't even think they are abusers because they can always point to someone who is much worse! 

No one can tell you what to do.  There was a time, I wouldn't have listened to anybody either, but I heard the truth in other people's stories.  I noticed how other people interacted with each other.  I really knew things weren't right.  You are reading my story and some of it sounds familiar.  You might think your man wouldn't ever threaten you with a gun ... I never would have thought Aydan would do that either!  It shocked me all the way to my core.   

Abusive people just get more abusive because it's all they know.  The sad thing is they aren't even mad at us.  They feel cornered, trapped in their own rage.  They are anxious about their own inadequacies and taking their anxiety out on us.  We don't deserve that!  I don't care what you have done or what kind of life you have lived.  None of us deserves to stand in for all the hurts and disappointments in someone else's life!   

We all deserve healing. 

Do you know who has the power to heal you?  YOU! 

Do you know who has the power to heal him?  HIM! 

I can't "save" anyone else, and no one else can "save" me!  It's a personal path.  It's one that each of us has to take with our Creator.  Have you ever heard God referred to as the "Great Physician"?  God can heal us, but we have to be willing.  We have to make the effort to see our own weakness and ask for help, and then, trust Him to heal us ... deeper than any self-help book or hour long talk show ... deeper than the hurt goes ... deeper than anything has ever reached.  

Sometimes, I still feel anxious.  Sometimes, I still have bad dreams.  Sometimes, I still see things that remind me of that hurting place.  I shut my eyes and imagine handing that thing over to God.  I imagine Him reaching out and putting it on a high shelf and then I imagine Him taking me into His arms that feel like a soft, fluffy, white down filled comforter full of sunshine and peace and quiet and best of all, His love ... the kind of love that will NEVER fail me.  

I don't have all the answers ... not even close, but I am closer to asking the right questions and now, I'm asking you...

What Do YOU Really Want?

Make a decision.  Make a choice.  Stick with it.  Trust that every thing will work out.  Let your heart be transformed.  As you are transformed, every thing in your life will change too.  You will find that place that feels safe for you.  I will be glad for you and me ... wrapped in a soft, fluffy, white down filled comforter full of sunshine and peace and quiet and best of all, His love ... the kind of love that will NEVER fail us.  

Take Care Of YOU!   

Tags: Abuse, Recovery, Healing, What Do You Want