This Could Be Our Finest Hour!

A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.
 
She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
 
"What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job or are you just a......?"
 
"Of course I have a job," snapped the woman. "I'm a Mom."
 
"We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it,"
said the recorder emphatically.
 
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the
same situation, this time at our own Town Hall.  
 
The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."  
 
"What is your occupation?" she probed.
 
What made me say it?  I do not know.  The words simply popped out.  "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."
 
The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and looked up as though she had not heard right.
 
I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words.  
Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written, in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"
 
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, [what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out).  I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family) and already have four credits (all daughters).  Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).  But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."
 
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.  Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern.  I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!   And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mom."

Motherhood!   
  
What a glorious career!  Especially when there's a title on the door. 
 
Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations" and great grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"?  
I think so!!!  
I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants". 
  
 

May your troubles be less,
your blessings be more
and nothing but happiness come through your door!

Don't Forget To Set Your Clocks To Fall Back!

News from the Creek

 

I have been so busy enjoying the Autumn season, I haven't had much time to write about it!

 

There have been several trips to the mountains, adventures in new places, funny stories and deep thoughts ... the kind you only seem to find at the end of a trail listening to a waterfall that mirrors the colors of fall and sings it's own kind of song down the river valley ...

 

I have thought about some of the things some of you have said ... I've wrapped my mind around some and discarded others that didn't stand up to close inspection.  I've stood back and monitored my own reactions.  I've stopped by your blogs, sometimes without commenting, happy to just swim the data stream and enjoy the ever changing view.

I have looked at the view and asked the question, "What is that to me?"  My answers were varied.  I admire the over-comers.  I cherish the thoughtful and kind.  I celebrate the victories and blessings.  I watch some and wonder why they choose the things they choose, shrug my shoulders and think, "Well, they must have a good reason though I can't imagine what it might be" and go on without judgment of them or their choices ...

I've thought a lot about discernment.  I learned discernment from my mother.  She taught me that seeing and knowing are sometimes two different things.  She taught me that sometimes, knowing doesn't mean we have to DO anything about it ... that knowing sometimes is simply so that we can avoid some thing in ourselves or someone else.  She also said that discernment is a responsibility.  When something is revealed to us, it is our responsibility to pray for the person, the situation or the dilemma, but it NOT our responsibility to make that knowledge public.  Discernment is a spiritual gift, but that gift can be taken away as easily as it was given if we use it to harm another or make our self look BIG and important. 

I've thought about how my mother taught me about spiritual gifts and I wondered if I had taught my children?  I don't know if I taught them but I do know I have witnessed them using discernment before and a few of them have shared a story, saying, "Mom, you know how we are?  Well, I was ..."

 

I haven't spent the whole month in deep thoughts ...

 

I have watched the leaves turn ... Did you know that the changing colors aren't because the leaves become gold or orange or red ... They change colors as the chlorophyll withdraws from the tree.  The leaves were always that color but the chlorophyll made them seem more green!

 

We had rain for two days and a few windy days too so a lot of the leaves have already fallen while others have hung on and continue to turn to gold and orange.

 

There have been a few days where the leaves fall like snowflakes in the woods.  It is so peaceful to watch them float to the ground ... ON those days, they even sound like snow falling and occasionally, they drift up the way snow sometimes does ...

 

The branches and the wood are starting to show through and with less leaves, the especially blue sky shows more and light plays with shadows in the most intriguing ways, shining on places that hardly ever see that kind of light.  It's beautiful to watch the woods change.

 

I wonder if change looks that beautiful when it happens to us?

 

It must!

 

I have been cooking a bit more and I have found two things you might like to try.

 

The first is to make your favorite chili and add cinnamon!  That's right!  Try it!  It's good!  You can do it like I did ... I added 1/4 teaspoon at a time until it was PERFECT ... BEST chili I have ever made!  I'm not sure any one would recognize the cinnamon but it adds a savory quality that is deeper and warmer somehow ... It is really good ... try it!

 

The second was a whim.  I noticed that JELL-O is making a new flavor this year: pumpkin pudding!  I made a dessert:


PUMPKIN DESSERT

 

1 2-cup package of pudding, prepared with 2 cups milk.

Whip together and add 1/2 of a cool whip container to the pudding.

Put the bowl in the fridge for 10-15 minutes to get more set.

Fold it into a graham cracker pie crust and top with the rest of the Cool Whip!

 

It tastes like pumpkin mousse!  Yummy and perfect to follow behind a full course Thanksgiving dinner because it's so light!  A friend suggested adding 8 ounces of softened cream cheese to the pudding mix and that sounded good too ... I might have to try that next!


Oh!  While we are talking about domestic things, I have found three "tricks" that have saved me tons of time this month when I obviously would rather have been outside than cleaning inside:

 

Cool Trick #1:

Swiffer makes a duster that just sucks up the dust!  I feel like that lady in the commercial.  It makes light work of getting dust off all surfaces in a fraction of the time and it really works!

 

Cool Trick #2:

Clorox Disinfecting Wipes make short work of cleaning off countertops in the kitchen and baths.  You could use them to give a quick surface cleaning to appliances and toilet fixtures as well ... again ... takes NO TIME!

 

Cool Trick #3:

Fabreze has a limited scent called "apple spice and delight" that makes the whole house smell like fresh baked apple pie.

 

Those three things and a quick vacuum of the house and you are ready to go!  How cool is that?  I can be my own Maid!


Outside, I hate raking and the back ache and blisters that go with it ... but a mulching lawn mower can reduce all those leaves into a fine layer of mulch that covers and protect your yard from the winter frost ... again ... no blisters ... no fuss ... done in half the time!  I can be my own gardener too!

 

 

Life is good!  Hope you find time for all the things that matter!

 

Love and Light from Healing Creek,

 

Taylor

P.S.   Important Scam Warning!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings...but this one is
real, and I think it's important.  If someone comes to your door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!!  IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid!!

 

 

The Four Agreements

THE FOUR AGREEMENTS is the first book written by Don Miguel Ruiz.  The actual Title is A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom - THE FOUR AGREEMENTS - A Toltec Wisdom Book.  What I like about the book is that he explains four basic agreements that you can make with yourself.  They are easy to remember, and with a little practice, you can develop habits that will simplify your life.  Let me share THE FOUR AGREEMENTS in Don Miguel Ruiz's own words:  

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD

Speak with integrity.  Say only what you mean.  Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.  Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.  

DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.  When you are immune to the opinions and action of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.  

DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want.  Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.  With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.  

ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.  Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.  

Don Miguel Ruiz has written several books concerning the Toltec Way of Thinking.  It's NOT meant to be a religion or a whole belief system although it could become a way of life.  It's common sense.  Making those four agreements with yourself could eliminate a great deal of emotional drama, pain and poison from your life and the lives of people around you.  

Don Miguel Ruiz says:

You need to be very strong to adopt the Four Agreements - but if you can begin to live your life with these agreements, the transformation in your life will be amazing.  

On being impeccable with your word, he makes the point:

The word is the most powerful tool you have as a human; it is the tool of magic.  But like a sword with two edges, your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy everything around you.  One edge is them is use of the word, which creates a living hell.  The other edge is the impeccability of the word, which will only create beauty, love and heaven on earth. 
Depending on how it is used, the word can set you free, or it can enslave you even more than you know. 

All the magic you possess is based on your word ... when you are impeccable, you take responsibility for your actions, but you do not judge or blame yourself ...

Being impeccable with your word is the correct use of your energy; it means to use your energy in the direction of truth and love for yourself.  If you make an agreement with yourself to be impeccable with your word, just with that intention, the truth will manifest through you and clean all the emotional poison that exists within you.  

On not taking anything personally, he says:

Nothing other people do is because of you.  It is because of themselves ... whatever you feel and do is just a projection of your own personal dream, a reflection of your past agreements. 

What you say, what you do, and the opinions you have are according to the agreements you have made - and these opinions have nothing to do with me ... I know it is your problem and not my problem.  It is the way you see the world.  It is nothing personal, because you are dealing with yourself, not me. 

Others are going to have their own opinion according to their belief system, so nothing they think about me is really about me, but it is about them.  You may even tell me, "Miguel, what you are saying is hurting me." But it is not what I am saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said.  You are hurting yourself ... Then if you get mad at me, I know you are dealing with yourself. 

I am the excuse for you to get mad. 

And you get mad because you are afraid, because you are dealing with fear.  If you are not afraid, there is no way that you will get mad at me.  If you are not afraid, there is no way that you will get jealous or sad.  If you live without fear, if you love, there is no place for any of these emotions. 

When you feel good, everything around you is good.  When everything around you is great, everything makes you happy.  You are loving everything that is around you, because you are loving yourself.  Because you like the way you are.  Because you are content with you.  Because you are happy with your life ...

Don't take anything personally. 

Even if someone got a gun and shot you in the head, it is nothing personal.  Even at that extreme ... If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you ... walking away may hurt for a little while, but your heart will eventually heal.  Then you can choose what you really want ...

As you make a habit of not taking anything personally, you won't need to place your trust in what others do or say.  You will only need to trust yourself to make responsible choices.  You are never responsible for the actions of others; you are only responsible for you ...

You can say "I love you" without fear of being ridiculed or rejected.  You can ask for what you need.  You can say yes, or you can say no - whatever you choose - without guilt or self-judgment.  You can choose to follow your heart always. 

Then you can be in the middle of hell and still experience inner peace and happiness.  You can stay in your state of bliss, and hell will not effect you at all.  

On not making assumptions, Don Miguel Ruiz explains:

We have the tendency to make assumptions about everything.  The problem with making assumptions is that we BELIEVE they are truth.  We could swear they are real. 

We make assumptions about what others are doing or thinking - we take it personally - then we blame them and react by sending emotional poison with our word.  That is why whenever we make assumptions, we are asking for problems.  We make assumptions, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing ...

We create a lot of emotional poison just by making assumptions and taking it personally ...

We only see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear.  We don't perceive things the way they are ... when the truth comes out, we find out it was not what we thought at all ... Making assumptions in our relationships is really asking for problems. 

Often we make the assumption that our partners know what we think and that we don't have to say what we want ... Making assumptions in relationships leads to a lot of fights, a lot of difficulties, a lot of misunderstanding with people we supposedly love ... when we believe in something we assume we are right about it to the point that we will destroy relationships in order to defend our position.  We make the assumption that everyone sees life the way we do. 

We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse.  This is the biggest assumption that humans make.  And this is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others.  Because we think everyone else will judge us, victimize us. abuse us and blame us as we do ourselves.  So even before others have a chance to reject us, we have already rejected ourselves. 

This is the way the human mind works ... Often when you go into a relationship with someone you like, you have to justify why you like that person.  You only see what you want to see and you deny there are things you don't like about that person ...

Your love will not change anybody. 

If others change, it's because they want to change, not because you can change them.  Then something happens between the two of you, and you get hurt.  Suddenly you see what you didn't want to see before, only now it is amplified by your emotional poison.  Now you have to justify your emotional pain and blame them for your choices ...

REAL LOVE IS ACCEPTING OTHER PEOPLE THE WAY THEY ARE WITHOUT TRYING TO CHANGE THEM. 

If we try to change them, this means we don't really like them ... If others feel they have to change you, that means they really don't love you just the way you are.  So why be with someone if you're not the way he or she wants you to be? ...   

ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST!

Doing your best, you are going to live your life intensely.  You are going to be productive, you are going to be good to yourself, because you will be giving yourself to your family, to your community, to everything.  But it is the action that is going to make you feel intensely happy.  When you always do your best, you take action.  Doing your best is taking the action because you love it, not because you're expecting a reward ... If we like what we do, if we always do our best, then we are really enjoying life. 

We are having fun, we don't get bored, we don't have frustrations ... DOING YOUR BEST REALLY DOESN'T FEEL LIKE WORK BECAUSE YOU ENJOY WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING ... Action is about living fully. 

Inaction is the way that we deny life.  Inaction is sitting in front of the television every day for years because you are afraid to be alive and to take the risk of expressing what you are. 

Expressing what you are is taking action.  YOU CAN HAVE MANY GREAT IDEAS IN YOUR HEAD, BUT WHAT MAKES THE DIFFERENCE IS ACTION.  WITHOUT ACTION UPON AN IDEA, THERE WILL BE NO MANIFESTATION, NO RESULTS AND NO REWARD ... 

God is life.  God is life in action.  The best way to say, I love you God", is to live your life doingyour best.  The best way to say, "Thank You God," is by letting go of the past and living in the present moment, right here and right now. 

Whatever life takes away from you, let it go. 

When you surrender and let go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive in the moment.  Letting go of the past means you can enjoy the dream that is happening right now ... There is no time to miss anyone or anything because you are alive. 

Not enjoying what is happening right now is living in the past and being only half alive.  This leads to self-pity, suffering and tears. 

You were born with the right to be happy.  You were born with the right to love, to enjoy and to share your love.  You are alive, so take your life and enjoy it.  Don't resist life passing through you. 

Just your existence proves the existence of God.  Your existence prove the existence of life and energy ... We don't need to know or prove anything.  Just to be, to take a risk and enjoy life, is all that matters. 

Say no when you want to say no, and yes when you want to say yes.  You have the right to be you. 

You can only be you when you do your best ... By doing your best, the habits of misusing your word, taking things personally, and making assumptions will become weaker and less frequent with time.  You don't need to judge yourself, feel guilty, or punish yourself if you can't keep these agreements ... If you do your best in the search for personal freedom, in the search for self-love, you will discover that it's just a matter of time before you find what you are looking for.  

Powerful!  I have been excited about this point of view from the first time I read it.  I understand more about myself every time I return to this book.  I am sharing it with you but it is your choice what to do with it.  Just trying my best to keep the Four Agreements creates opportunities to praise myself every time I catch myself doing something right!  Over my lifetime, I have accepted other agreements about me, my life, my family, and the world and not all of them were kind to me, my life, my family and the world.  Some of those ideas held me back and opened me up to abusing myself.  Those false beliefs opened me up to receive other people's beliefs that matched my own poison and exchanging that kind of poison is just two people abusing each other.   

I was a victim.  I abused myself by criticizing myself.  I abused myself when I thought I didn't do something good enough.  I abused myself when I made mistakes.  Because I was saying negative things to myself, I allowed other people to say the same things to me because deep down, I already thought those things were true.  They weren't true.  I did dumb things but I am NOT a dumb person.  I made mistakes but I am NOT a mistake.  I needed to forgive myself for getting me into some of those messes and then relegate those messes in the past where they belong. 

Bad things could have happened a year ago or ten years ago but they are in the past.  The only way they can hurt me now is if I bring them back.  Some things hurt like heck a year ago but it doesn't have to come back and hurt me 30 seconds ago!  There is no good that will come out of keeping that pain alive. 

If I can forgive me, I can apply the same forgiveness to the people who might have hurt me.  Using the Four Agreements, I can accept that what they did at the time was more about them than it was about me.  I can't make any assumption about what they did or why they did it because I do not know, and even if I asked that person, they may not know either.  Anger, Jealousy, Rage all come from fear ... and the ones who hurt us may not know or be ready to know why they hurt us because they are still so busy hurting themselves.  Doing our best means having compassion for ourselves, and the ones around us.  

If I keep my speech impeccable, if I don't take anything personally, if I don't make assumptions, and if I do my best every day for all the days of my life, that is all that I can do.  If others choose to do the same thing, that is their choice.  If others choose not to do the same thing, that is also their choice. 

I can only do what I can do to make my life a better place for me. 

 

 

 

Tags: The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz, Healing

What If ...

One Way To Find Out
You Never Know Until You Try


When contemplating whether to do something or not, a plucky voice in our heads may say, "You never know until you try." This is time-honored wisdom that encourages us to be game rather than to hold back. It reminds us that it is only through experience that we learn about this world and ourselves. Even if we regret the outcome, we have learned something, and the newfound knowledge is almost always worth it.

This wisdom can be applied to situations both large and small. From crossing the Atlantic on a boat to trying Ethiopian food, there's only one way to find out what it's like. We have all had experiences where we tried something we didn't think we'd like and fell in love. We may have found ourselves stuck with nothing to read but a "boring" book, only to kick-start a lifelong passion for Victorian literature. We may have decided that sailing was not for us until we fell in love with someone with a boat. On the other hand, we may try tofu only to learn that it is truly not for us. In this case, we gain greater self-knowledge from the experience. And yet, we might still remain open to trying it prepared in a different way. The right marinade might make you a convert-you'll never know if you don't try it.

It is often said that at the end of our lives we are more likely to regret the things we did not do than the things we did. As an exercise to test your own willingness to discover through doing, try making a list of things you regret not having done. You may begin to notice patterns such as a failure to say what you really think at key moments or closed-mindedness to certain types of activities.

Just being aware of the opportunities you missed might encourage you not to miss them again. There's only one way to find out.

Want more DailyOM?  Register for your free email, or browse all articles

 

Feeding Deer and Grilling Grits

Most of the time, life at HEALING Creek is blissfully peaceful, but occasionally, things aren't quite so calm ... lol ... I promised yesterday to tell you about our "adventures" in feeding deer and grilling grits!  The two are NOT related except for they happened on the same day.


FEEDING DEER ...

 

On Saturday, we drove all over two counties in search of deer corn, apple snacks and salt licks.  It seems the hunters have already bought most of it (Is that legal?).  We have three feeding stations along the river.  We had noticed a Mama and two little fawns earlier in the week so the trip became necessary ... Joey said that Mama looked like someone who had taken her kids to McDonald's and McDonald's was closed ... lol ... Well, "McDonald's" is open now!

 

Saturday night, we have two or three deer at each station ... that we saw.  They are awesome to watch.  It's a weird trick of the dim light, the thick woods and the deer's natural camouflage that you can see them one minute and then they turn and seem to fade into the woods like ghost deer! 

Sometimes, they are there but I can't see them.  We have a little dog that is part beagle, part corgi.  Her official name is Duchess Swedie Norskie (we got her when we had several golden retrievers and it didn't seem fair to have two registered ladies with long names and not give Swedie a long name too!) but we call her Swedie.  She can smell the deer from inside the house, but when she smells deer, she whines and dances like she has to go outside to use the bathroom so most of the time, we let her out.

Well, Swedie started dancing at about 9:30 Sunday night.  Joey said he'd take her for a walk along the river.  He wanted to check the feeders anyway.  He thought raccoons had gotten in one of them and a raccoon can tear anything up in no time.  They were only gone about 20 minutes when Joey came in laughing as Swedie scooted around him and ran to her favorite place in the kitchen.

It seems our little dogwho thinks she's a big dog had smelled that same Mama and her two babies and bristled up and ran toward them, fussing and growling.  Mama turned around, snorted like a horse and pawed hard at the ground as if to say, "Little Dog, you are messin with the wrong Mama!"  Joey said he had never seen a dog moonwalk before but Swedie definitely moonwalked.  Her legs were going forward but her body was moving backwards as fast as she could go.

When she was far enough away from the deer, she turned around and ran all the way back to the house ... lol ... When Joey told me the story, I looked over at Swedie who had been sitting up "listening" to us talk.  When I looked over at her, she ducked her head and hid her face like she was embarrassed.  When Swedie heard us laughing, she turned her back to us and went to lay down on her bed with her nose poked into the corner like she was pouting.


GRILLING GRITS

On Saturday night, Joey mixed up some cooked grits and bits of Virginia Country Ham.  We had seen a cooking show that had made grilled grits.  It looked good.  Joey found a recipe that seemed mostly the same as the show we watched so we had gone to the grocery and bought STONE GROUND grits (they really are CREAMIER) and some Smithfield Ham.  The recipe said to make the grits the night before and spread them out in a flat pan so they resemble a pan of bars.  The grits will set up over night and get hard enough to be able to cut shapes out with a cookie cutter.  You take those shapes and set them on a HOT grill and cook on each side long enough to get grill marks on each side.  Yummy, right?

Well ... we should have looked closer at the label on the HAM.  Instead of buying PRE-COOKED, SUGAR CURED HAM, we bought UNCOOKED SALT CURED HAM.  Precooked is good to go.  Uncooked Salt cured ham needs to be soaked in water (to remove some of the salt) and then, cooked otherwise it gets saltier long longer it sits ... That didn't happen.  Joey cooked it but the salt hadn't been soaked out and of course, overnight, all that salt kept the grits from setting up properly.  Joey forged ahead, cutting them into loose shapes and packing them like you would a hamburger patty. 

There was a light misting rain when he carried them out to the grill.  Nothing big but big enough to further break up the "patties". 

The grill had been running for about 10 minutes.  Therehad been a lot of smoke but Joey just figured some stuff was burning off so he had brushed the grill with a wire brush and cranked up the gas to cook off any other stuff that might have been on the grill.  It seemed to have worked.

 

He put the grits on the grill.  Instead of searing the sides like it did on tv, it "melted" the patties ... Joey tried to get them off before they "melted" too much.  He was moving fast so grits were flying everywhere.  Joey knew something wasn't right when the dog wouldn't even eat them!

Just then, I had walked into the kitchen to get another cup of coffee and I saw the commotion outside.  It looked pretty funny from the window over the sink.  I put my coffee cup down and poked my head out the door ... "Everything okay out there?" 

Joey didn't even look up ... He just kept muttering, "THIS was NOT supposed to happen."

 

I got a big bucket full of soapy water for the deck and tried not to laugh as I helped clean up the grits.  I didn't know what happened.  I cleaned the deck while Joey cleaned the grill (the hardest job).  While he was cleaning it, he realized that one of the gas lines wasn't working right.  He unhooked it and a tunneling spider had made a web so solid, it had blocked the line so instead of putting out flame, that side had put out soot.  Ewww.  I don't like spiders at all, so at the first word of a spider, I finished up and went inside, glad that the grits hadn't turned out.  I wouldn't have wanted to eat anything with spider soot on it ... EWWW!

Joey reread the recipe while we finished the eggs and toast and decided that using the wrong ham was what had made the recipe not work out ... I suggested the misting rain didn't help.  We both agreed the grill looked much more efficient burning a clear blue flame from both sides with no soot and no spiders. 

The eggs and toast were good.  The coffee was good.  The deck was clean.  The grill looked BRAND NEW ... ready to cook another day.  All's well that ends well.  We had survived our first try at grilled grits and Peace had been restored ...

I saw the look in Joey's eye though.  He will be trying that again ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rememberings From HEALING CREEK

 

 

Updates from the Creek ...

 

 

 

I've been up to my elbows in work ... while still trying to keep on top of holiday preparations ... I know it might seem early but I make most of my gifts and I am actually running behind in handicrafts ...

 

I bought the coolest snowmen bags and snowy tissue paper to wrap snowflake ornaments in on the way home from work ... I have a plan ... a theme!  

I have been thinking and reading about Russian Wolfhounds ... tying to pick a "Russian name" but all the names I like are already names of nieces, cousins, sisters and my own kids ... Do you suppose there is Russian in our family tree?  There are names like Ana, Annika, Sara, Sophia, Tasha, Tallia, Kristina, Tasha, Nadia. Sonya and Lena ... and somehow, I just can't bring myself to name my dog after a family member and then, one of my friends married a Russian woman so Sasha, Nadya (Nadia) and Katya are out ... don't think they'd like me using their names either ... lol ...

 

I dated a guy once or twice ... never really went anywhere ... but I saw him four or five years later and in front of all my friends, he proclaimed that he had named his golden retriever after me ... thought I'd be honored ... well, it was kinda sweet.  We are, after all , talking about a golden retriever!

 

 

 

I have read so much ... I am dreaming about this imaginary Russian Wolfhound that I have yet to meet and yet I am worried about one thing ... What if she takes to chasing cars?  That would make me really sad.  Dogs get run over that way ... and this dog would have to travel with me ... she gets lonely when she is left alone ... and yet, what a great companion when I go on my walks ... still weighing the decision ... as you can tell ...

 

It has gotten me to think of Russia ...

My father went to Russia almost ten years ago now ... to build a church ...

 

Dad's church had been sending money to a group of Christians in Minsk ... An elderly Russian woman that attended my Dad's church asked my father if he would go with her and help them build a church ... My father is a hardworking, plain spoken man who doesn't have the money to pack up and zip off to Russia at the drop of a hat but when the woman asked him, he wondered ... He talked to Mom on the way home.  Mom and Dad have never been out of Minnesota much, let alone fly anywhere ... and I'm sure my father didn't even have a passport when they had this talk. 

My Dad has an adventurer's heart but my Mom is careful and grounded.  She has more faith than my father has dreams so they made an agreement.  My father had an auction sale coming up ... A small estate ... He had already said it wouldn't bring much, so Mom felt somewhat secure when Dad said ... "Let's see what God wants me to do ... If my part of the proceeds of that sale comes to enough to pay for the plane ticket to Russia, I'll go ... Agreed?"  Mom agreed.

The deal was made.  Mom was willing to see what God would do.

 

The day of the Auction was rainy ... not a good start ... The old woman's estate wasn't much but her family was hopeful ... Dad held off starting the sale for an hour to let the rain die down ... It did.  For a cold, rainy Saturday, the crowd was pretty good, there was plenty of coffee at the concession stand and hot donuts had just arrived.  The sale lasted longer than Dad had expected it to, but the bids were going well and he entertained the crowd between lots, sharing stories about the pieces he held up (Does anyone besides our family know that Dad makes most of those stories up?  Well, I guess you all know now!) ... Mom brought Dad a cup of warmcoffee once in a while and room temperature water to keep his voice going ... He broke for ten minutes to eat a quick hot dog and started back up as quick as he could.

I wish you could see my Dad work a sale ... He reads the crowd better than anyone I have ever seen ... He talks to people he knows ... after all these years, he knows them all ... and teases them, saying things like, "Now , Myrtle, don't even think about buying this.  John will have your hide for sure if you drag this thing home!"  The crowd would laugh and sure enough, Myrtle would bid, just to show the crowd who's boss ... which only made the crowd laugh more ... and poor John would hang his head and come pick up the item, trying not to look too whipped as he carried it to the car while Dad would say, "Now, there goes a man who knows how to love his woman.  John, you are a heck of a guy!"  John would smile and the crowd would cheer and for a moment, John was the King of the World and that box of knick-knacks would be on the mantle no matter what because they proved to everyone that he knew how to love his lass ... The Auctioneer had said so .. in front of God and everybody ... lol ...

Next!

 

Next up was an old wood stove ... pretty in it's day, but a piece of work today ... Dad would describe the pancakes that used to come of the top of that stove and even I wanted to buy that magic stove, if only to have one plate of those amazing pancakes ... just one bite! 

My Dad is a magician, a showman. a salesman too ... I laugh to watch him work and consider it a compliment when people tell me I can sell just like him because I suppose they're right in a way.  I can sell refrigerators to Eskimos but I'll never be the salesman my father is ... although it's nice for people to say so ... I see him at work and know just enough to know that he is a Master ... He can look in your eye and tell if you are or if you aren't going to buy that day ... and before you know it, that look in your eye changes and you become a buyer THAT DAY whether you planned it or not ... and it's not manipulation when you leave happier than he is that you made your decision that day ... He makes you feel like you're the smartest person in the world for making that choice, and just like John, you'll tell your grandchildren about the day that you made the deal of your life!

 

Whew!  Dad will like that paragraph so I'll leave it ... but on that day, at that auction, Dad expected to make 1,000 dollars from the sale but he left with more ... much more ... He and Mom didn't say much on the ride home.  When Dad got home, he called the travel agency in town and asked how much a plane ticket would be to Minsk and the woman calculated the dates and airfares and said, "3,311 dollars and 77 cents" 

My Dad repeated, "Three thousand, Three Hundred, Eleven Dollars and 77 Cents?  Is that right?" while he looked at Mom who had counted the money while he was on the phone.  He looked at Mom to see what the answer was and Mom closed her eyes and bowed her head.

Without saying a word, she got up and went to her sewing room and came back with 77 Cents in change and handed it to Dad, "You're going to Russia." she said.

In the five weeks before Dad went, they gathered money together from many churches and Mom sewed 100-dollar bills into Dad's clothes ... tucked in the hems and folds of his clothing were hundreds and hundreds of American dollars ... headed to Russia to build a church ... Twenty Thousand Dollars in all, gathered from not rich but hard working Minnesota blue-collar workers who hoped it would help ...

 

Dad left Minneapolis and was on his way to Russia when the news reported that the Ruble had fallen.  I heard the news report and wondered how this would effect Dad's plan.  The church had sent 20,000 dollars over the years to the church and Dad was carrying twenty thousand more in his clothes to a place where their money was NO GOOD.

 

An English speaking girl met Dad at the airport and took him to stay with a family in Minsk.  When he got to the place where he was to stay, he talked to the minister and they counted their money and talked about what they had to do in the five short weeks my father was going to be there.

 

First, they had to convince the Mayor of the small town to give Dad a building permit ... He and his interpreter met with the Mayor.  She was a hard, cold woman who looked at my Dad like he had just crawled out of the sewer ... My Dad smiled and through his interpreter said, "You are broke.  I have American dollars and I will pay your hardest working men to help me build a church."  I will pay them everyday until we are done."  The mayor's face changed.  Her people were starving.  There wasn't any money anywhere and here in front of her was a man who said he would pay her people ... She didn't really care what he was building as long as some of her people would eat so even though she NEVER gave FOREIGNERS permits, she gave dad's interpreter one and the building began.

 

Russia doesn't have a Home Depot or Lowe's!  If you want to build, you go to one shop for nails and another shop for hinges and another shop for glass and the sawmill for wood.  Craftsmen make the windows and the doors the old fashioned way ... They had never heard of trussed roofs so Dad drew what he wanted and showed them how to make a trussed roof ... Wood workers wanted to work with "The Amerikan" so they could learn our ways ... How much do we Americans take for granted or WHAT?  Dad drew the foundation and they brought a back hoe into dig the footings.  Huge blocks were put in place for the foundation.  2 x 4 walls were built and raised in one day.  The trusses were placed along the top and when the supports were removed, the Russian woodworkers marveled at the beauty and simplicity of the design.  The walls were covered.  The windows were built and placed.  The door was paneled and beautifully carved by hand and set into place.  Benches were placed where pews would someday be and an alter was carved and placed.

Dad didn't speak Russian but he whooped and hollered praise and somehow, the Russians knew they were doing GOOD!  In five shirt weeks, Dad had watched and helped the church go from an empty field to a house of God and somewhere in the middle of it all, it became a Holy Place where men put down their vodka and HOPED ... where women put down their household worries and HOPED ... where children who were scarred with what they call the Belorussian Necklace (children who were born around the time of the Chernobyl Nuclear Incident were operated on to remove their thyroid gland which had been effected by the radioactivity that had been released into the atmosphere after the incident) watched the adults work together and they HOPED. 

 

Dad was able to meet with all of them in the church one time before he returned home and his life was changed by what he saw in those five weeks ...

 

Dad came home twenty five pounds thinner ... He never liked potatoes and cabbage much ... and when he got off the plane, he kissed the ground and thanked God for all that we Americans have that we take for granted ... He looked around and realized that we Americans SMILE way more than they do in other countries.  Our WORST day beats the heck out of their BEST days!

 

 

 

Anyway ... back to this Russian Wolfhound I want to get as a running companion ... What kind of name would you choose for a female Russian Wolfhound?

 

And while you are thinking of a good name ... Let me tell you tomorrow about feeding deer and grilling grits ... lol ... 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   

 

   

Good Morning Glory !

May you have enough happiness

to make you sweet,

Enough trials to make you strong,

Enough sorrow to keep you human,

And enough hope to make you happy.

You know, I forget sometimes, that when I walk away from the computer, some folks might think that I'm still in that thought.  MamaB (my big sister extraordinaire - I call her MamaB because that's what you know her as - wink) called to check on me yesterday morning because when I left the computer, I was still posting my apology.  I left it there long enough for all of you to catch up with it.  But MamaB, who loves me, thought I had apologized long enough and wanted to make sure I wasn't feeling all sad and dejected ... but that isn't the way apologies make me feel! 

Of course, it's a little hard on my pride but I am so glad to be free of the burden I was feeling that by the time I finish apologizing, even if my apology wasn't / isn't / hadn't been accepted, I know I made an attempt, and sometimes, that's as good as it gets ... If the person I have offended accepts my apology, my heart is filled with even more JOY!

So many of you sent the kindest notes ... I felt humbled, forgiven and accepted.  Thank you!

After the week we have had, it felt so good to just let it go!  I had my energy back!  I was meeting life with a smile again!  I was kinder and more polite to strangers again!  Poor Joey had to deal with me on a forgiven high (like a sugar high, only way moh bettah!).  He's as shy as I am NOT so me walking around yesterday, singing out loud, and befriending strangers stretch his introverted side.

We were in a room at the back of an antique store and I didn't even realize that I was singing "morning shower loud" ... He patted me on the shoulder and said, ever so quietly, "Shhhh ... Honey ... Shhhh."  I looked at him and shrugged with that, you-know-how-I-can-be-sometimes look and whispered back, "Thanks Honey."  I have a good singing voice, but I was getting a little loud!  LOL!!!

One time, we were at a botanical garden, and we walked into this four-walled bricked up space that even our whispers echoed in ... I just knew it had good acoustics so I couldn't resist singing a few bars of Amazing Grace (My mom's favorite song but she likes the version that is sung to the tune of House Of The Rising Sun) ... Man, did it echo!  I thought we were alone until the security guard clapped his hands ... That was embarrassing ... lol ... I think I blushed bigger than that Rising Sun!



I am so grateful for the things I was reminded of this week ...

MamaB talked about this forum not being appropriate for some things ... right next to me trying to "educate and inform" ... and it has made me consider and rethink some things.  I will continue to write about healing but I can't "force feed" my lessons to anyone ... I am going to stop giving "book reports" and share my own path more.  It means being even more open and vulnerable, but being open and vulnerable are part of my recovery, so what I am doing here will just compliment what is happening in my real life ...

That didn't happen last week.  When this place got to be too much, I did the same thing a lot of you probably did ... I went running to Joey and a few close friends ... snuggling into my favorite places, listening to my favorite music, reading some of my favorite books ... doing all the things I needed to get back to who I am and where I need to be ... focused on my stiff instead of worrying about everyone else's stuff.

I don't talk much about my faith ... My spiritual life is precious and private to me ... but deep down, in the core of my beliefs is a God who speaks to me in that quiet voice.  I grew up thinking of that as the Holy Spirit but MamaB and PolarB call that ever present force Spirit and I like that ... like being on a first name basis with the most personal and ever present force we can invite into our lives ...

That little voice is the one that whispers to trust Him and know that He is here and He will bring things under control, that His voice is speaking in a very personal way with each of you too, and that everything that is supposed to be will be.  We are where we are.  We are here for a reason.  He will bring us through.

He would say not to worry when someone else expresses an opinion strongly.  What is that to me?  It is your opinion and you are entitled to it.  I might not understand but you must have a reason for feeling the way you do.

He would say for me to not give into fear because He will keep me safe.   My life works better when I meet new people and places, anticipating goodness.  I have discernment.  I know there are bad people out there but He will let me know when there is someone I need to avoid.  I don't need to go looking for trouble, and if trouble finds me, I will deal with it appropriately ... on-line and off-line.

I am not going to let fear stop me from doing the things I want to do. Of course there are healthy boundaries and good rules-of-thumb to keep you safe, but I'm not giving into hysteria!  If I want to post a picture, I'm going to post it.  If you know what I look like, big deal!  We all know what Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise look like too ... In fact, how bad can it be?  Do you think Oprah frets about you knowing what she looks like?  I'm not going to post my name and address under my photo, for goodness sakes!

I am spiritual but I am irreverent too!  I really do see some things in life like a Far-Side Cartoon ... I find humor in things that happen.  I laugh at some of the goofy things I see in others and in me ...

I think it's funny that we all try to be so fair ... like giving people free speech, carte blanche.  You know blogging is personal and we all have our own opinions which is what makes blogging interesting, but if your opinion is mean and contrary to mine, I will do the same thing I do with a tv show I don't want to watch.  I'll just shut it off!  I celebrate your right to say whatever you want to say anywhere you want to say it but if you bring your "mean talk" to my house, I'm deleting your mean words!  Poof!  End of story!  Bye-Bye, you're gone (from my house, anyway)!  Come back another time when you are in a better mood!     

I have other boundaries too!  A lot of people blog for a lot of reasons.  Some of you are looking to hook up.  Cool.  For the record, I'm married, and I'm not shoppingfor a guy.  I already have the kindest man in the world!  That doesn't take one single thing away from the fine male specimens that are present here on the stream.  I'm not at all interested in cultivating any relationship other than friendship with any of you guys, and even then, I'm a couple!  So many things I say and write are truly a reflection of Joey and me.

My blog is not a church and I am not a Saint.  I DO NOT have a corner on all the answers.  None of us do!  I listen to people talk, saying, "God says we should ..."  You know what?  The Supreme Being of the Universe doesn't need to go through anybody else to get to you or me.  He already has a direct line.  He doesn't need any of us to defend Him or explain His words.  He's bigger than all of us and He speaks very clearly.

 

There are healthy limits to our friendships and that is good.  I talk about healing but I am NOT a counselor or a therapist.  I talk about aspects of the law but I am NOT a lawyer.  I talk about faith and religion but I am NOT a minister.  This is not the place to get professional or personal advice anyway!  This is a place where we share ideas ... Maybe, something I say might spark an idea in you?  I know there are things you have said that sparked ideas in me.  That's what friends do!

If you are seeking respect, kindness, understanding, encouragement, laughter with a little bit of sarcasm and sass, then I am the friend for you!

May you have enough happiness
to make you sweet,
Enough trials to make you strong,

Enough sorrow to keep you human,

And enough hope to make you happy.

Classroom Notes

 

I don't know how it works like this!  I write some thing and at the time I'm writing it, I'm quite sure I know the material ... or at least I know it well enough to say it!  Then, in this little classroom of mine, comes an exercise in life where I have an opportunity to apply the thing I have just learned. 

Sometimes, I apply it and I am filled with that feeling a person gets when they swing the bat and before the ball has even left the stick, they know they have hit a home run!  I love those glorious moments! 

Other times, I do okay on the test, but I wish I would have done better so I check back on my notes to review the chapter we just covered.

This week while walking in the woods, surrounded by fall's first blush under a clear blue sky, I couldn't help but smile thinking of the things I had written or said earlier this week.  

There's comfort in knowing that The Great Teacher knew before I knew what Chapter I was on.  Perhaps, you will smile too at the irony of it all ...

 

Last week, my notes said ...



COUNTING OUR SISTERS TEARS

Women have wept at the start, the duration, and the end of every single war, every skirmish, every battle, every act of terrorism, every gang fight, every drive-by shooting, every bombing, every violence committed against any one of us.
And while our sisters weep, where are you?

NAVIGATING THE STREAM ... GOING WITH THE FLOW 

That doesn't mean we don't have a choice in what we do.  We did and we do.  We chose THIS place!  If this is where we are at ... we must be here for a reason ... so let me look around and see what there is to see ... What lesson does today hold for me? 

There is no reason to lose our peace or give up our joy by getting bogged down in regrets or guilt or worry!  Relax ... ENJOY the moment.  Quit looking back ... Put down the map and the plan book and the to-do lists and look around at this BEAUTIFUL day!

 

It's your's to do WHATEVER you want with it!  Make it a good day!

Footnote:  Just as I finished my thought, I took a break to read some of my emails, and this was in this morning's mail!    

" ... Going with the flow means that we are aware of an energy that is larger than our small selves and we are open to working with it, not against it.

Many of us are afraid of going with the flow because we don't trust that we will get where we want to go if we do. This causes us to cling to plans that aren't working, stick to routes that are obstructed, and obsess over relationships that aren't fulfilling. When you find yourself stuck in these kinds of patterns, do yourself a favor and open to the flow of what is rather than resisting it.

 

Trust that the big river of your life has a plan for you and let it carry you onward ..."

How cool is that?!!!  I get goose bumps every single time THAT happens ... where I am thinking, writing or talking about a thing and I pick up a book or read an email or see a magazine article that adds to the thought in the most beautiful way ...

 

Every SINGLE day has something new for us to learn ... if we just go with the flow.  Keep our eyes open. 

 

What TRUTH will float your way today?


AWAKENING THE INNER WARRIOR

Yesterday, I read about going with the flow and today, I read about awakening the inner warrior!  Somehow, that makes sense to me because life is a balance between the two.  Trusting that your life is unfolding as it is supposed to creates an inner peace and calm, a reservoir of strength.  But, there are times when you are called to defend yourself, your family, your friends, even your country.  My Mom used to say, "If you don't stand for SOME THING, you will fall for anything."

I have two sides to me, and you probably do too? ... The side that is capable of walking away from insignificant and unnecessary drama ... and another side that is ready, willing and able to throw my hat in the ring!

A warrior is someone with the strength to stand up for what he or she believes; someone who perseveres in the face of challenges and obstacles; someone who speaks and acts in the service of an ideal; someone who protects those who are too weak to fight for themselves.

The warrior archetype is alive and well in me ... but warriors know who the REAL ENEMIES are ... and sometimes, the enemy is me!

... What tools are worthy of a Successful Warrior?
   

Courage, Wisdom, Integrity, Hope, Faith, Discernment, Intuition, Empathy, a working Knowledge of How To Heal yourself and others, Love, Joy, Patience, Kindness (not everyone is your enemy), Goodness, Kindness, Self-Control ... to name just a few, but you can probably think of a few more traits ...

There is a hero in all of us ... an inner strength at the core of our being ... It's the part of us that rises up to protect ... We really can be our own hero!

God grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change

The COURAGE TO CHANGE the things I can
And the WISDOM to know the difference

  

TOUCHED BY THE SHADOW OF HAWKS

(I wrote about watching two Red Tail Hawks playing in a piece of sky over my yard that day) 

Hawk Medicine  ~  The Power Of Perspective

Hawks have the power to soar high above the earth, giving them a perspective previously only available to the inhabitants of the heavens above. Because of this, people from various cultures throughout history have seen them as messengers of spirit, bringing wisdom from the heavens and the value of their higher vision down to earth. From their vantage point, riding on the wind and sunlight, they remind us today that there is a bigger picture to be seen. When we get bogged down with the details of what is right in front of us, hawks help us remember that we are part of a larger plan and that everything fits together beautifully and perfectly ...

Hawks were thought to be able to look directly into the sun and see what is not visible to the rest of us. Using our spiritual vision, we too can look deeply into the inner light that guides us, seeing clearly what is not visible unless sought: our personal truth glowing within us.

The hawk's ability to live on land but visit the sky is a good reminder for us all. They remind us that their strength and survival comes from communing regularly with the spirit and bringing the guidance received into earthly affairs.

Recovery requires that we GET REAL with ourselves and others.  We begin to live a more ordered life on the edge of a much calmer sea  ...  When I am less consumed with my worries and troubles, my intuition and perception is able to stretch much further than it ever has! 

I'm telling you the absolute TRUTH.  It's like Gandhi said, IF YOU WISH FOR CHANGE, BE THE CHANGE!

I am a quite ordinary woman who has found the most extraordinary life and I want to share the possibility of such a life with you ... because HEALING is possible for all of us. 

THANK GOD, IT'S FRIDAY !!!

"Intelligence could damage me if thought wasn't experienced with emotion and wit wasn't tempered with COMPASSION."

                                                     - Author, Kay Gibbons

(Here, I am acknowledging that there are bad people on the Internet.  I have seen them before so why should I ever be surprised to see one again?  It's the Internet!)

When I first came to the stream, I had met some pretty mean people on-line, people who play games and do hurtful things just because they can.  They are anonymous bullies ... who use the fact that you don't know them and can't trace them ... to say and do all the things they'd never have the courage to say or do if they were standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.  The first few times I was contacted here, I wondered if some of you were one of them, playing a trick on me ...

(switched from talking about the Internet in general to talking about you here) 

Your words and your images are so beautiful!  Your words inspire me.  Your words encourage me.  Your words challenge me.  Your words cheer me.  Sometimes, I feel like a little kid, listening to you tell me a story, and I can't wait to see how it will end!  I just know it's going to be good!

Do I love you like your mother?  No.  Do I love you like your best friend?  No.  Do I love you enough to say a prayer?  Yes.  Do I love you enough to help you if I can?  Yes.  Do I ask you for anything in return?  No.  You already gave me the greatest gift.  You shared a few moments of your heart, and you have such a GOOD heart!

So,do I mean it when I say I LOVE YOU?  Yes.  Absolutely.  Who wouldn't love you?  You're WONDERFUL!

Repeating what I said last week, you all make me wonder what would happen if we all listened to the people in our lives as well as we read the stories here?  How much better would our worlds be?  Think of the bridges that would be built and the walls that would be torn down!

You taught me that my hurt might be different from your hurt but getting over hurt is the same for all of us. 

Just recently, I read:

Don't we know, only too well, that protection from pain doesn't work, and that when we try to defend ourselves from suffering, we only suffer more and don't learn what we can from the experience?

The protected heart that is “never exposed to loss, innocent and secure, cannot know tenderness; only the won-back heart can ever be satisfied: free, through all it has given up, to rejoice in its mastery.”

My heart was broken.  Your heart may have been broken too?  But you and I can heal!  I understand what they mean when he wrote about the "won-back heart" because I worked really hard to win back my heart and my soul.  That broken place was not going to be where I stopped!  Brokenness can be just the beginning we need to get into those deep places we have spent years trying to hide!

It's okay.  Don't be afraid.

Our creator placed all the riches we seek inside each of us, but sometimes, it takes an avalanche or an earthquake to shake us all the way down to our foundation so that we can see the riches that are inside of us!

Being a victim of abuse was my earthquake.  Losing a loved one or even losing a dream could be your avalanche.  But that horrible place is not the end.  It's the beginning.  It is the way for us to get our "won back heart"!

Celebrating our journeys and the chance to share this part of the journey with YOU!





LOL ... I really need to quit day-dreaming in class!

 

I don't know if you can read my notes and see the same things I see ... but what I saw when I read back over my notes was that there really is a plan to my life ... to all our lives.  The being that I call God is planting truth and instruction before I even know that I know it or need it!  Sometimes, I remember every word.  Sometimes, I don't ... but because He loves me, He keeps on planting His little truths ... It's humbling to know that He cares that much for me ... AND awesome to know that He cares that much for ALL OF YOU too and He does it all at the same time!

 

Maybe, that little voice inside us is the part of us that logs and saves those truths for when He knows we will need it?

This week, He used all of you to remind me that because He is planting little seeds of truth and instruction in you too ... that when I get scared, I need to trust that you are there to see the thing I might not see ... even when we don't agree ... that we are sharing this classroom for a reason bigger than you and bigger than me or we simply would not be there.

I am not suggesting that we all bend to each other like floppy, wilted plants!  I am suggesting that this is His garden and He knows ahead of time when we will need to stand in each other's shade.

Thank you for being here with me this week.  I learned from all of you.

Restart

This week has held many lessons for me ... I learned a lot about people but I learned a lot about me too.  Mostly, I was reminded of some things I thought I already knew ...

I didn't apologize to "the world" because anyone bullied me into it or because of anyone else's comments.  I did not participate in attacking anyone.  I don't know about most of the hurtful things that were exchanged between some of you privately or publicly and that is none of my business.  I apologized because I believe I was wrong.

I thought people I have come to respect didn't care about our friends who had been hurt.  I heard people's questions as being against my friends.  If someone stood too close to someone who had said something I thought was mean, then maybe, they didn't care either?  For doubting the goodness in some of you, I'm sorry.

I should have trusted that people will/would eventually find their balance again and leave them to it.  It was not and is not my job to fix/help/change anyone!  I'm sorry.

I accept that not everyone is going to care about the people that were hurt, children who have been abused, victims of abuse or me.  It doesn't make them wrong.  It just means they care about something else.  It means they are doing the thing they were put here to do and it is not my business to FORCE anyone to care about abuse victims.  I'm sorry.

It was just plain rude to interrupt other people's writing, poetry, songs, birthday celebrations and happiness.  I'm sorry.

I am not saying I am giving up my passion for children, abuse victims or my own recovery because they are who I am.  I am saying that who I am has very little to do with the person you are and who you are meant to be.  If I made you feel like you and your feelings are less than me and my feelings, I'm sorry.




Things don't work for me when I get into other people's stuff too much.  I have my own stuff!  The process of changing from a victim into a survivor is called recovery but recovery asks much of those who choose to heal ...


THINGS WE MUST DO TO WIN OUR LIVES BACK:


TO COMMIT TO REALITY AT ALL COSTS

Recovery requires staying in reality.  

TO ACCEPT THE MISPERCEPTION OF OTHERS

Once you have clarity about reality you must be willing to risk that others will misperceive you.  Survivors want others to understand them.  They do not want anyone upset with them.  Their childhood training taught them that "if you cannot say something nice, do not say anything at all." ... The fact is that you can give the perfect explanation and others will not understand it, maybe not even believe it.  Even those who truly do cherish the survivor will misperceive ... If survivors are making significant changes, the people around them will not like it. 

They will misinterpret the survivor's actions.  They may even question the survivor's motivation and conduct.  Count on it.  Remember, others ... will have to go through denial, fear and anger before they get to the pain.  That includes family members, friends and other people on whom survivors might count.  If you are committed to reality, you must accept that people will misperceive you.

TO HAVE BOUNDARIES

If you are willing to have others misperceive you, then you must run the risk of drawing boundaries.  Implementing the boundaries you have specified in your recovery plan will upset people.  When the victim starts insisting on maintaining limits and meeting her own needs, self-respect emerges. 

Here is a person who demands reckoning; a person of value ...

Second, having boundaries clarifies values.  They essentially are the answer to the question, "For what am I willing to fight?"  Those values help define who the person is.  Finally, by successfully implementing boundaries, a new trust for yourself emerges.  Survivors can and will take care of themselves, which creates a new sense of safety.

TO SAY GOOD-BYE

If someone does not respect your boundaries, you will have to leave ... The best thing for you - and in fact, the other person as well - is to face the reality that the relationship cannot survive.  Saying good-bye is wrenching for survivors, who already grieve many losses ... So when it is time to say good-bye, the grief will be overwhelming.  The only choice you have to survive is to embrace the pain and experience the loss.  You may not have to say good-bye, but you must be willing to do so.  In fact, life as you know it may require a complete transformation for you to survive these relationships.  Work, values, homes, friends and even family relationships may have to substantively change for a successful recovery. 

What lengths are you willing to go to in order to be free?  When you answer that question, you may have to face another risk; to be alone and be okay.

TO BE ALONE AND BE OKAY

People who are not afraid to be alone can afford to demand relationships that work.  They are not desperate while between relationships.  Nor do they fill their lives with mindless television or mind-numbing addictions.  They learn to be alone and be okay.

TO BE SPIRITUAL

Here is what happens spiritually:

1. Crisis and pain force surrender.
2. We accept the realties we tried to flee.
3. The lesson will be repeated until learned.  If ignored, the lessons become harder.
4. The lessons teach us about human limitation.
5. We believed we were more than other humans.  We could escape the harm.
6. When we accept suffering, we reconnect with the deeper rhythms of the universe.
7. We cannot escape the inevitable message.  Now it means too much.
8. We have lost too much, but we do have integrity.
9. Never again will we let things not matter.  We are part of a larger purpose.
10. We know we have learned the lesson when our actions change.

First comes the connection with self and the acceptance of your own brokenness.  Then there is the acceptance of the community and renewed trust in others.  The ability to trust oneself and others clears the path to trusting a creator. 

That trust also means acceptance of a larger purpose, A purpose in which, at times, even bad things can happen to very good people ... To trust a higher purpose or power requires an essential trust of others.  Trust of others really only comes from a deep trust of your own integrity.

TO BE HONEST

If you have a solid spiritual life, you realize that nothing really disconnects you from others.  Then it is a matter of courage to be yourself and to be honest about who you are.  This means:

1. To admit the hard things about yourself.
2. To be clear about hard things others must hear.
3. To not mislead anyone.
4. To not live a secret life.
5. To abandon false fronts and false pride.
6. To be clear about your intent.
7. To tell the truth.
8. To not hide from difficult moments.
9. To give up being "nice" all the time.
10. To state your needs and wants without shame.
11. To not cover or lie for anyone.  

TO BE VULNERABLE

The most important skill to acquire and use in recovery is the capacity to get a consultation.  To get a consultation means to involve people in what goes on in your own interior world.  The dumb thoughts.  The scary thoughts.  The garbled thoughts.  The irrational fears.  The angry, vengeful fantasies.  The nightmares.  The unspoken desire. 

By sharing with others, you have an examined life.  People know who you are.  They also help you with their perspectives and ideas.  They bring reality and problem-solving skills to your life.  This process allows for integration of the darker side of yourself and acceptance of your humanness ... It is then that we can share the shadow side of ourselves, the nasty, mean-spirited side of ourselves ... Failure to own that reality will keep us from the serenity that we seek.  Disowning our shadow will prevent integrity.  Remember that others are mirrors for ourselves.  What we love or hate in others reflects what we love or hate about ourselves. 

Dr. Carl Jung wrote that to acknowledge our skeletons is the only way we will be able to ultimately accept the "gold" of life.

TO FIGHT

Most survivors avoid conflict.  In their past, anger and violence meant great danger.  There were rules about keeping the peace and saying nice things.  The truth is that sometimes you will have to fight.  To remove yourself from a trauma bond safely and with self-care might mean that you have to insist on your rights ... Let go of being nice.  It is always important to let others hear you.  It is important to protect yourself.  It is always important to make sure you do not intentionally hurt others purely for the sake of hurting them.  These are all good reasons to fight.  Besides, the boundaries become clear in the process.

TO DEFINE SELF

One of the most common reports from people emerging from a trauma bond is that they had not realized how much someone else regulated their values, lifestyle and daily choices.

TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF

Your life is up to you.  Take charge of it or somebody else will.

FROM SUFFERING TO MEANING

Whether it is betrayal by seduction, terror, power, intimacy or spirit, exploitation is simply no longer acceptable ... We are accountable to each other for our behavior ... You have committed yourself to stopping or changing an abusive relationship.  In that you have helped all of us.

(from the book: The Betrayal Bond - Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D.)

Though no one can go back
And make a brand new start ...
Anyone can start from NOW
And
Make a brand new ending.

                                                     ~ Author Unknown