Is It Love Or Are You Addicted To Love?

One of the toughest things for me to understand was that some of the things I called "love" weren't really "love" at all, but addictive behaviors.  I think I was more in love with being in love than the actual person ... It took me a while to see that I wasn't attached to any of them as much as I was attached to "the idea of them".  Melody Beattie (author of Co-Dependent No More) explained the difference between love and addiction way better than I can:



The Difference Between Love & Addiction  

Love                               
Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Addiction
Dependent, based on security and comfort; use intensity of need and infatuation as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness).  

Love 
Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Addiction
Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.  

Love
Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in their own worth.
Addiction
Preoccupation with other's behavior; dependent on other's approval for own identity and self worth.  

Love
Trust; Openness.
Addiction
Jealousy, possessiveness, fears, competition.  

Love
Mutual integrity preserved.
Addiction
One partner's needs suspended for the other's; self-deprivation.  

Love
Willingness to risk and be real.
Addiction
Search for perfect invulnerability - eliminates possible risks.  

Love
Room for exploration of feelings in and of relationship.
Addiction                                                                   
Reassurance through repeated, ritualized activity.  

Love
Ability to enjoy being alone.
Addiction
Intolerance - unable to endure separations (even in conflict); hang on even tighter.  Undergo withdrawal - loss of appetite, restless, lethargic, disoriented agony.  

Breakups:


Love
Accept breakup without feeling a loss of own adequacy and self worth.
Addiction
Feel inadequate, worthless; often one-sided decision.  

Love
Wants best for partner, though apart; can become friends.
Addiction
Violent ending - often hate the other; try to inflict pain; manipulation to get the other back.

One-Sided Addiction  
Denial, fantasy; overestimation of other's commitment.  Seeks solutions outside self - drugs, alcohol, new lover, change of situation.



No wonder I was confused!  It helped to look at the differences because it gave me something concrete that I could work on.  One thing for sure ... I needed to stop living for everyone else and start living for me!  

Melody Beattie said that too: 

Live Your Own Life  

We may be in so much emotional distress we think we have no life;  all we are is our pain.  That's not true.  We are more than our problems.  We can be more than our problems.  

Just because life has been this painful so far
doesn't mean it has to keep hurting.
Life doesn't have to hurt so much,
and it won't - if we begin to change.
It may not be all roses from here on out,
but it doesn't have to be all thorns either.
We need to and can develop our own lives.  

We take into account our responsibilities to other people, because that is what responsible people do.  But we also know we count too.  We try to eliminate "shoulds" from our decisions and learn to trust ourselves.  If we listen to ourselves and our higher power, we will not be misled.  Giving ourselves what we need and learning to live self-directed lives requires faith.  We need enough faith to get on with our lives, and we need to do at least a little something each day to begin to move forward.

 

We can learn to trust ourselves again.  Most co-dependents have been "taking care" of everyone in their world for a long time.  Just stop.  Let everyone fend for themselves for a little bit and direct all that energy toward taking care of you.  It might feel a little awkward at first, but I promise it's worth it! 

I wish all of you could share the view I have now.  I love seeing women (and men, because men can be co-dependent too) discover how much they really have learned and how capable they really are.  It is truly beautiful to see people turn their energy inward, learning to take better care of themselves, trying out new boundaries for themselves and others, getting back in touch with themselves and their true feelings ...

Does that sound like a tall order?  Does that sound like an impossible dream?  It's not!  None of us changed ourselves and the way we lived all at once.  We recovered, one day at a time, one lesson at a time, one step at a time ...  

Think of all that energy you have spent on helping/changing/fixing everyone else and imagine what would happen if you changed one thing about yourself every day or even every other day for the next year ... How much better do you think you would feel a year from now?  Think about how good it would feel to feel better than you feel right now.  It's possible! 

We'll talk more tomorrow ...   

(excerpts from Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie)

Tags: Co-Dependent No More, Love Addiction, Addiction, Addictive Thinking

The Gift Of Light

Then ... I Was Beguiled
Caught Up
Entrapped & Ensnared
Alone & Afraid
Lost

BUT

 

Today is a new day and a better time
and best of all ...

I AM NO LONGER
beguiled,

caught up,
entrapped and ensnared,

alone and afraid
lost ...

I AM FREE
of those things that hampered me !!!

Tags: The Gift Of Light, Beguiled, Caught Up, Entrapped, Ensnared, Alone, Afraid, Lost

Melody Beattie Called It Un-Dependence

Ron introduced me to a new word yesterday - "inter-dependent" ... Melody Beattie uses the word UN-dependence in her book, Co-Dependent No More:



Un-dependence  

Whether co-dependents appear fragile and helpless, or sturdy and powerful, most of us are frightened, needy, vulnerable children who are aching and desperate to be loved and cared for.  

This child in us believes we are unlovable and will never find the comfort we are seeking; sometimes this vulnerable child becomes too desperate.  People have abandoned us, emotionally and physically.  People have rejected us.  People have believed us, let us down.  People have never been there for us; they have not seen, heard or responded to our needs.  We may come to believe that people will never be there for us.  For many of us, even God seems to have gone away.  

We have been there for so many people.  Most of us desperately want someone to finally be there for us.  We need someone, anyone, to rescue us from the stark loneliness, alienation, and pain.  We want some of the good stuff, and the good stuff is not in us.  Pain is in us.  We feel so helpless and uncertain.  Others look so powerful and assured.  We conclude the magic must be in them.  

So we become dependent on them.  We can become dependent on lovers, spouses, friends, parents, or our children.  We become dependent on their approval.  We become dependent on their presence.  We become dependent on their need for us.  We become dependent on their love, even though we believe we will never receive their love; we believe we are unlovable and nobody has ever loved us in a way that met our needs.  

Needing people too much can cause problems.  Other people become the key to our happiness.  I believe much of the other-centeredness, orbiting our livesaround other people, goes hand in hand with co-dependency and springs out of our emotional insecurity.  I believe much of this incessant approval seeking we indulge in also comes from insecurity.  The magic is in others, not us, we believe.  The good feelings are in them, not us.  The less good stuff we find in ourselves, the more we seek it in others.  They have it all; we have nothing.  Our existence is not important.  We have been abandoned and neglected so often that we also abandon ourselves.  

Sometimes, no human being could be there for us in the way we need them to be - to absorb us, care for us, and make us feel good, complete and safe.  

Many of us expect and need other people so much that we settle for too little.  We may become dependent on troubled people - alcoholics and other people with problems.  We can become dependent on people we don't particularly like or love.  Sometimes, we need people so badly we settle for nearly anyone.  We may need people who don't meet our needs. 

We may find ourselves in situations where we need someone to be there for us, but the person we have chosen cannot or will not do that.  

We may even convince ourselves that we can't live without someone and will wither and die if that person is not in our lives.  If that person is an alcoholic or deeply troubled, we may tolerate abuse and insanity to keep him or her in our lives, to protect our source of emotional security.  Our need becomes so great that we settle for too little.  Our expectations drop below normal, below what we ought to expect from our relationships.  

Imagine getting credit for the behaviors we ordinarily mortals do as a matter of course.  What is so lovable?  No response?  The answer doesn't come, but the power of being emotionally stuck is far greater than the power of reason.  

Ultimately, too much dependency on a person can kill love.  Relationships based on emotional insecurity and need, rather than love, can become self-destructive.  They don't work.  Too much need drives people away and smothers love.  It scares people away.  It attracts the wrong kind of people.  And our real needs don't get met.  Our real needs become greater and so does our despair.  We center our lives around this person, trying to protect our source of security and happiness.  We forfeit our lives to do this.  And we become angry at this person.  We are being controlled by him or her.  We are dependent on that person.  We ultimately become angry and resentful at what we are dependent on and controlled by, because we have given our personal power and rights to that person.  

There is no magic, easy, overnight way to become un-dependent. 

Here are some ideas that may help:

1. Finish up business from our childhoods, as best we can.  Grieve.  Get some perspective.  Figure out how events from our childhoods are effecting what we're doing now.
   ... Of course he had never been there for me.  He was an alcoholic.  We had never been there for anyone, including himself.  I also began to realize that underneath my sophisticated veneer, I felt unlovable.  Very unlovable.  Some where, hidden inside of me, I had maintained a fantasy that I had a loving father who was staying away from me - who was rejecting me - because I wasn't good enough.  There was something wrong with me.  Now I knew the truth.  It wasn't me that was unlovable.  It wasn't me that was screwed up, although I know I've got problems. It was him.
   
2. Nurture and cherish that frightened, vulnerable, needy child inside us.  The child may never completely disappear, no matter how self-sufficient we become.  Stress may cause the child to cry out.  Unprovoked, the child may come out and demand attention when we at least expect it.
   
3. Stop looking for happiness in other people.  Our source of happiness and well-being is not inside others; it's inside us.  Learn to center ourselves in ourselves.
   
4. We can learn to depend on ourselves.  Maybe other people haven't been there for us, but we can start being there for us.   We can trust ourselves.  We can handle and cope with the events, problems, and feelings life throws our way.  We can trust our feelings and our judgments.  We can solve our problems.  We can learn to live with unresolved problems, too.  We must trust the people we are learning to depend upon - ourselves.
   
5. We can depend on God, too.  He's there, and He cares.  Our spiritual beliefs can provide us with a strong sense of emotional security.  I can find comfort and security in knowing that God is always watching over my life.
   
6. Strive for un-dependence.  Begin examining the ways we are dependent, emotionally and financially, on the people around us.  

We can do it.  We don't have to feel strong all the time to be un-dependent and taking care of ourselves. 



We can and probably will have feelings of fear, weakness, and even hopelessness.  That is normal and even healthy.  Real power comes from feeling our feelings, not from ignoring them.  Real strength comes, not from pretending to be strong all the time, but from acknowledging our weaknesses and vulnerabilities when we feel this way.  

Many of us have dark nights.  Many of us have uncertainty, loneliness, and the pang of needs and wants that beg to be met and yet, go seemingly unnoticed.  Sometimes the way is foggy and slippery, and we have no hope.  All we can feel is fear.  All we can see is the dark.  

You can get through the dark situations, too.  You can take care of yourself and trust yourself.  Trust God.  Go as far as you can see, and by the time you get there, you'll be able to see farther. 

We can do anything we want to ... one day at a time.

Tags: Melody Beattie, Un-dependence

More On Co-dependency

Just planting more seeds ... and sharing some good information that I found on the web ...



If We Learn From Mistakes, I Should Be A Genius!
 

I was once involved in an addictive relationship, which is not surprising because I have all sorts of addictions. It was the love of my life, love at first sight. That should been a hint of trouble to come, after a year of very little ecstasy and a great deal of agony, I came to learn something about myself and addictive relationships, I have to be very careful.

As I learned about life and dysfunctional relationships, it became apparent that true understanding comes with going through one and coming out with my head intact.

Here are some quick checks you may want to consider in evaluating your relationship and whether it is addictive or not.


1.     Addictive relationships are not usually balanced 50/50. Most of the time one person is either doing all the giving or all the receiving, one party is working way too hard.

2.     One the key factors of addictive relationship is the demand for immediate or instant gratification. Everything has to be done very quickly and in the present moment. This is a common trait in drug addicts and alcoholics also.

3.     A dysfunctional relationship usually involves a great deal of control, obsession, and fixation on your partner. There is a tendency to 'make them change' or an idea that I will 'fix' them.

4.     There tends to be a great deal of dishonesty about the relationship, either in trying to hide certain aspects of yourself you did not want your partner to find out, or presenting all false front to cover up who you really are.

5.     The last thing I would mention in this quick checklist is the highs and lows. The few emotional highs seem like mountains of ecstasy, but the lows feel the bottom has dropped out. The lows last longer and go deeper than the highs ever could.


It took a lot pain to learn how to handle an addictive relationship or dysfunctional relationship. The old saying goes we learn more from our mistakes than we do our moments of victory.

(  In most dysfunctional relationships, there is someone who gives too much and someone who takes too much.

To be fair, I can remember people asking me what I wanted, whether it was to choose a movie, order a meal or even pick a favorite.  I never really had an answer.  I had no idea what my real feelings were.  I had memorized everyone else's favorites but I knew NOTHING about my own!

The demands that are made of us are rarely realistic, and yet so many of us co-dependents tried to meet and exceed them!  )
The Ten Demandments: Insuring Misery In Relationships

It has been my experiences both personal and professional that people either active in addiction or a recovery, need help in two key areas of life. These are dealing with feelings or emotions, and dealing with relationships. If you would like to test yourself out and see some dysfunctional, but possibly all too familiar rules for relationships, read on and see how many of the ten demandments ring true for you. Here are ten rules to insure unhappiness in any relationship:

The Ten Demandments 

1.     Thou shalt make me happy.

2.     Doubt shalt not have any other interests other than me.

3.     Thou shalt know what I want and what I feel without having me to say.

4.     Thou shalt return each one of my sacrifices with an equal or greater sacrifice.

5.     Thou shalt shield me from anxiety, worry, hurt, or any pain.

6.     Thou shalt give me my sense of self-worth and esteem.

7.     Thou shalt be grateful for everything I do.

8.     Thou shalt not be critical of me, show anger toward me, or otherwise disapprove of anything I do.

9.     Thou shalt so caring and loving that I need never take risks or be vulnerable in any way.

10.   Thou shalt love me with the whole heart, the whole soul, in the whole mind, even if I do not love myself.

Not only are these rules for a dysfunctional relationship but more than a few hint at unhealthy co-dependence.

Attributed to Richard H. Lucas. Ph.D, Houston TX

Edited by Bill Urell,
MA in Addictions Counseling, CAAP-II, Owner and Editor.

The Symptoms of Co-dependency

To a large degree the symptoms of co-dependence are about extremes.  People who exhibit co-dependencies often did not seem to have a moderator, they go full speed ahead, or dead stop.

We will discuss five essential symptoms co-dependent behavior.  I first learned of this view of co-dependence from Pia Mellody inher book Facing Co-dependence.


These 5 symptoms are:

1.     Difficulty having appropriate levels of self-esteem.

People in dysfunctional relationships such as cut dependence have troubles with either very low self-esteem or very high self-esteem.  High self-esteem manifests itself through arrogance and a belief that I am superior to everyone else.  Low self-esteem comes from the belief that you have less worth than other people your feelings and beliefs don't count.  In either case self-esteem is taught within the family of origin.  A newborn baby has neither high self-esteem nor low self-esteem; these attitudes are developed in growing up, usually from modeling family behavior.

2.     Inability to set realistic, functioning, boundaries.

Boundaries are something that are taught during childhood.  If we came from dysfunctional families or families with poor boundaries it is likely that we will have not have learned to set the boundaries ourselves.  Boundaries serve a number of purposes, they can offer protection from other people, from ourselves, and they can define who we are in the world.  People with poor boundaries on one extreme confine themselves enmeshed with another person to the point where they're not taking care of their own needs.  These people tend to generate self-esteem from how the important they are in taking care of another.  People with the rigid and inflexible boundaries tend to live in isolation behind walls.  People with no boundaries, tend to be taken advantage of and victimized.

3.     Difficulty knowing who you are.

Co-dependents have difficulty seeing themselves as they really are, both physically and mentally.  They often have poor or skewed body image problems.  They often have altered interpretations of thoughts and their ability to share them.  They often have difficulty identifying, owning, and regulating emotions.  Another aspect of this is denying who you really are, living in a fantasy, or making up an alter ego.

4.     Having trouble defining needs and wants and meeting them.

It is common for someone to get their wants and needs confused.  A co-dependent person is sometimes able to acknowledge there needs and wants but they tried to meet them by themselves without any help.  They may also be aware of needs and wants and expect people to fill them without having to help themselves.  Another area of difficulty is to have needs a wants and simply not be aware of some, thus taking no action to fill them.

5.     Difficulty in expressing ourselves moderately and knowing what “normal” is.

A co-dependent person just doesn't seem to understand what moderation is.  They swing like a pendulum from extreme to extreme, ecstatic or miserable, completely indifferent or completely involved.  It seems they do not understand when enough is enough.  Often people have difficulty in understanding what normal’ is because they never had ‘normal’ modeled for them when there were growing up.  Growing up in a dysfunctional home where emotions were not expressed, one learns to freeze their own emotions.  If there were no boundaries or restraints, we learned no boundaries or restraints.

In general, exposure to dysfunctional family upbringing, whether alcohol and drugs were used or physical, emotional, or sexual abuse or neglect were present, can produce children who will eventually become co-dependent adults.

Co-dependency is Loss of Self.

Anything that contributes to your loss of self is co-dependency." It is as simple as that!

Loss of self occurs when I need your approval and lose the opportunity to think my thoughts and to feel my feelings.  I start to live the external life instead of the internal life.  I become outer-directed and not inner-directed and over time the space inside becomes less and less.  I feel less than and my self-esteem is diminished.  I look to you to define me, to direct me, to approve of me, to fix me and, lose more and more of me until I feel empty.  What develops is the false self and that is co-dependency.  When I focus on getting your approval, I lose approval of self, which is the power that self-esteem gives me.  In losing my power, I lose me.  I lose my voice.  I lose me.

Loss of self occurs when I am focused on fixing, helping, understanding, care taking you and not on caring about me.  For me to not lose self I need to care about you not for you.  My job is to care about me.  I need to feel with you not for you.  You are responsible for feeling your own feelings not me.  I need to be responsible to you as my parent, spouse, child, or friend, not be responsible for you.  I am responsible for me and to you and, you are responsible for you and to me.  If we can do this in relationship than both of us have the opportunity to mature and to develop a sense of self.

Loss of self occurs when I say no but I mean yes or when I say yes but I mean no.  Of course, this sounds confusing and the co-dependent often does feel confused, indecisive, and rattled.  One can understand why!  It is a lifetime of guessing what somebody else needs and wants and over time, the co-dependent forgets who he or she is.  The sense of self is not developed.  The individual does learn what he or she needs, wants, feels and the struggle of discovery is absent.  Gradually, initially however, bit by bit, little by little, year by year, the erosion occurs.  It is not even the erosion; instead, it is the not building of self, so a double loss is occurring.  You miss the journey.

Loss of self is learned helplessness.  Reinforced codependent behaviors do not serve me well, nor do they serve others well.  Co-dependent relationship dynamics create and foster dependency for both individuals.  It is a no-win dynamic.  It is not about individual or relationship building.  I cannot give up "me" and think there can be a "we".  An "I" is needed for a "we" to exist.

Loss of self creates a victim mentality.  A victim who cannot see how he or she has built his or her own prison.  Denial, anger, shame, guilt, passivity, fear, and sadness and oftentimes depression, are the bars of this prison.  The wounded child and critical parent are present and the adult ego state has yet to be built.
 
Loss of self affects the family members and friends of the co-dependent.  Oftentimes, the co-dependent moves from one crisis to the next and others suffer.  Denial is a core symptom for the loss of self.  Co-dependent thinking is if I do not see it, acknowledge it, believe it, then it does not exist.


Are You Co-dependent?  ( 10 Questions to Ask Yourself )

1. Are you co-dependent?
   
2. Do you have loss of self?
   
3. Do I care for you instead of about you?
   
4. Do I own responsibility for you and not to you?
   
5. Do I need your approval and do not know my own mind?
   
6. Do I think for you and do not know my own thoughts?
   
7. Do I have appropriate emotional boundaries with you? Do I practice emotional detachment with you?
   
8. Do I feel and act like a victim in relationships?
   
9. Do I have low self-esteem?
   
10. Do I repress feelings and have a wall of denial around me and in my relationships?

Co-dependency is real.
It exists within self and within relationships.
Loss of self occurs as we have just described and
it is destructive to self and to others.
 
A closing thought is when there is not enough of me for me,
surely there cannot be enough of me to share with you.
 



If after reading this article, you see yourself as co-dependent then reach out for help.

written by Linda M. Smith, PhD, LMFT
and featured on this web-site: Overcoming Addiction, Growing In Addiction Recovery

Tags: co-dependency, recovery, overcoming addiction,

If Valentine's Day Were A Movie

All over America today, men and women are shopping for Valentine's surprises ... chocolate, flowers, stuffed animals, musical cards and heart shaped boxes of candy ...


But not everyone feels like celebrating,  One in Eight people are feeling irritated. 
They are disgusted by the sentimental foolishness.
They work hard for their money and this is just one more way for the greeting card companies to exploit them.
They don't like the idea of joining the throngs of weak minded sheep to buy something red.

They have no idea what they are supposed to buy because they could care less.
They had to park a mile away from the store.
Ridiculous!
The lines in the stores were too long.
Why don't people keep better track of their own children?

The clerk gave the wrong change.
They took out some of their frustration on the stupid clerk.
They pounded the pavement back to their car.
Damn Valentine's Day!

It's her/his fault.

They wouldn't have to be doing all this if it weren't for her/him.
What did she/he ever really do for me?

Nonsense!

Damn Greeting Card Companies!
Etc.

 

By the time they get home, they have a full head of steam.


They have been put way out of their way today and someone is going to pay.
They walk in the door.
They open the door so hard, it slams against the wall.
There's a look of fear in their loved ones eyes and even that makes them mad.

Of course, dinner isn't anywhere close to ready.
What the hell does everyone else do with their time?
It took an extra hour to get home with the stop at the store and the extra holiday traffic, and still, dinner isn't ready.

Can't anybody do anything right?

Is everything up to them?

Damn Valentine's Day!


It makes them so mad ... They could just punch somebody!

 

They do.

They hit hard from no where.
They are surprised and embarrassed by their actions but it's already done.
May as well go with it.

They throw their valentine's present across the room and say
NOW LOOK AT WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!
HERE'S YOUR DAMN VALENTINE'S DAY CARD.  SIGN IT YOURSELF!
They feel a little better blowing off some steam.
Supper's still not ready!

She/he deserves every bit of this!
They smash the Valentine Decorations on the table and say
IS THIS WHAT YOU DID ALL DAY?

IS THIS WHY I AM HAVING TO WAIT FOR MY SUPPER?
There's that fear in her/his eyes again.

They should feel a twinge of guilt but they only feel more disgust ...


They are a man/woman so full of hate for this world that they want the whole world to feel it too.



But, for the sake of this post, pretend for a moment that this is a movie ... and the best part of this movie is something the two main characters can't even see.

On a hill, overlooking the couple, a group of witnesses are gathering ... They are powerful witnesses.  They have played the part of the victim once and exchanged the role of victim for the role of survivor.  They have the power to bring GREAT HOPE.

 

They are proof that we can survive!



I am sad to say that the angry scenario I described is really happening in too many places today.  There are people who really do think that way.  They're mad as hell and someone is going to pay!

But the witnessesare real too.

 

On a hill right here on the internet, you have a group of witnesses.  We can't change one thing about your suffering, but we can bring you HOPE.  I am standing here with Whispered Promise, Belle, PolarB, Daisy, HisQueen, MaryElizabeth, DebyD, ValAnne, Secret, Gloria, June  ( if you would like to be named as one of those witnesses, PM me and I'll add your name too - anything it takes to share HOPE ) ... and so many more! 

We are your witnesses.  We are examples of the HEALING that can happen for you too.  We care about you because we have been there too, and the BEST PART IS WE SURVIVED ...

 

Tags: Valentine's Day, Witnesses, Survivors, HOPE

Bless Our Co-Dependent Hearts

This might seem like a strange conversation to have on Valentine's Day, the "day of love", but I can't think of a better day to talk about the value of loving yourself, because that is what you will be doing if you take the time to understand co-dependency, how some of us become co-dependent, and best of all, how some of us manage to break free of it. 

Sadly, everyone of us knows someone who won't be celebrating "the day of love" today.  We can't change their situation.  We can't make them do anything different than what they are doing right now, but we can plant seeds.

When someone has painted themselves into a corner, they usually think that they are only the one who has ever felt that way.  I did.  I was surprised to hear that other people had felt the same way, and relieved to learn that they found a way out, because if they could do it, I could too.  And that is where planting seeds comes in ...

I would have never heard about co-dependency or recovery if someone else hadn't talked about it.  There were those who planted seeds in my life ... little thoughts and big ideas that laid dormant at the back of my mind until I was ready to grow with them ...

Here are some seeds ...


I don't know if you are co-dependent.  I learned more about addictive personalities and how those traits can effect us through one-on-one counseling.  I write to inform, but nothing I write and no book I have read can ever take the place of a trained therapist.

 

If sorting ourselves out was an easy task, every one could do it.  Most of us would NOT have chosen the paths we ended up on and yet, we ended up there anyway ... because no matter how hard we try, we can't always see ourselves clearly.  We may have focused on every one else for so long, we don't even know what our feelings are anymore!  Do you ever feel that way?

 

I heard the word co-dependent in the beginning of recovery, but I didn't really know what that meant.  Co-dependent can seem just like another label unless you have lived it.

 

I grew up in a home where the alcoholic was the center of our universe and everything was done to try and keep him happy ... Of course nothing ever really worked but that didn't stop any of us from trying because we all believed that if we worked really hard to prove to him how much we all loved him, he would see how much we loved him and be MIRACULOUSLY changed by our love ...

Of course, REAL CHANGE comes from the inside and nothing any of us did had any effect on him.  He had to change himself, and thankfully, in my life, he did eventually change, but all those years of trying to please him started a pattern in my life.

I had a lot of love to give, but I never chose people ... I chose "projects" ... as if to prove to myself and the world that IF WE LOVE SOMEONE ENOUGH, THEY WILL SEE HOW VALUABLE THEY ARE AND MIRACULOUSLY CHANGE.  That was and is a BIG FAT LIE!  It will NEVER work. People change when and IF they want to change and not one minute sooner. 

I have made reference to Melody Beattie's books before.  She is one of the best at putting my feelings into words.  Maybe, you will find encouragement in her words too? 

 

Co-dependent No More
                        by Melody Beattie  

She says:

Don't be blown about by every wind. 

• We don't have to be afraid of people.
  
• We don't have to forfeit our peace.
  
• We don't have to forfeit our power to think and feel for anyone or anything.
  
• We don't have to take things so seriously (ourselves, events, and other people).
  
• We don't have to take other people's behaviors as reflections of our self-worth.
  
• We don't have to take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth.
  
• We don't have to take things so personally.
  

Set Yourself FREE!  

We aren't the people who "make things happen".  Co-dependents are the people who consistently, with a great deal of effort and energy, try to force things to happen.
  

• We control in the name of love.
  
• We do it because we are only trying to help.
  
• We do it because we know best how things should go and how people should behave.
  
• We do it because we are right and they are wrong.
  
• We control because we are afraid not to do it.
  
• We do it because we do not know what else to do.
  
• We do it to stop the pain.
  
• We control because we think we have to.
  
• We control because controlling is all we can think about.
  
• Ultimately we may control because that's the way we have always done things.  

Never forget that alcoholics and other troubled persons are expert controllers.  We have met our match when we attempt to control them or their disease.  We lose the battles.  We lose the wars.  We lose our selves - our lives.

You didn't cause it.  You can't control it. You can't cure it.  

People ultimately do what they want to do.  They feel what they want to feel (or how they are feeling); they think what they want to think; they do the things they believe they need to do; and they will change only when they are ready to change.  It doesn't matter if they're wrong and we're right.  It doesn't matter if they are hurting themselves.  It doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to, and cooperate with, us.
  

IT DOESN'T MATTER.  

IT DOESN'T MATTER.  

IT DOESN'T MATTER.  

IT DOESN'T MATTER.  

Furthermore, people will punish us for making them do something they don't want to do, or be something they don't want to be.  

The only person you can now or ever change is yourself.  The only person that it is your business to control is yourself.  

Detach.  Surrender.  Sometimes, when we do that, the result we have been waiting and hoping for happens quickly, almost miraculously.  Sometimes it doesn't.  Sometimes it never happens.  But you will benefit.  You don't have to stop caring or loving.  You don't have to tolerate abuse.  You only need to put your emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical hands back in your own pockets and leave things and people alone.  

For each of us, there is a time to let go.  You will know when the time has come.  When you have done all that you can do, it is time to detach.  Deal with your feelings. 

Face your fears about losing control.  Gain control of yourself and your responsibilities.  Free others to be who they are.  In so doing, you will set yourself free.    

Remove The Victim

What is the one thing co-dependents do over and over?  What is it we do that keeps us feeling so bad?  Co-dependents are caretakers - rescuers.  They rescue "the victim", then they persecute, then they end up victimized!  This is it.  This was my pattern.  This is what we repeatedly do with friends, family, acquaintances, clients, or anybody around us.  

We are the rescuers, the enablers.  We not only meet people's needs, we anticipate them.  We fix, nurture, and fuss over others.  We make better, solve and attend to.  And we do it all so well.  "Your wish is my command" is our theme.  "Your problem is my problem." is our motto.  We are the caretakers.  

I am not referring to acts of love, kindness, compassion, and true helping - situations where our assistance is legitimately wanted and needed and we want to give that assistance.  These acts are the good stuff of life.  Rescuing and care-taking aren't.  

We rescue "victims" - people who we believe are not capable of being responsible for themselves.  The victims actually are capable of taking care of themselves, even though we and they don't admit it.  This victim, this poor person we have rescued, is not grateful for our help.  He or she is not appreciative enough of the sacrifices we have made.  The victim isn't behaving the way he or she should.  This person is not even taking our advice, which we offered so readily.  This person is not letting us fix that feeling.  Something doesn't work right or feel right, so we rip off our halos and pull out our pitchforks.  

Most of the time, the people we rescue immediately sense our shift in mood.  They saw it coming.  It's just the excuse they needed to turn on us.  People resent being told or shown they are incompetent, no matter how loudly they plead incompetency.  And they resent us for adding insult to injury by becoming angry with them after we point out their incompetency.  

What do we do?  We feeling helpless, hurt, sorrow, shame, and self-pity.  We have been used ... again.  We have gone unappreciated ... again.  We try so hard to help people, to be good to them.  We moan, "Why?  Why does this always happen to me?"  

Many co-dependents, at some time in their lives, were true victims of someone's abuse, neglect, abandonment, alcoholism, or any number of situations that can victimize people.  We were, at some time, truly helpless to protect ourselves or solve our problems.  Something came our way, something we didn't ask for, and it hurt us terribly.   We don't feel lovable, so we settle for being needed. 

We don't feel good about ourselves, so we feel compelled to do a particular thing to prove how good we are.  

Giving to and doing things for and with people are essential parts of healthy living and healthy relationships.  But learning when not to give, when not to give in, and when not to do things for and with people are also essential parts of healthy living and healthy relationships.

 

These words sure were a comfort to me ... Abuse isolated me.  Most of the time, I was too embarrassed to talk to anyone because I thought I was the only one dumb enough to get myself into such a mess!  What nonsense!  That wasn't the truth!  I blamed myself because I always had blamed myself.  I just thought that's the way things were.  It never occurred to me that there was another way!

Hello?  Did you hear that?  There's another way!

Doesn't it comfort you to know that your life, as it is right now, is actually a pattern of behavior that has effected other people too?  Doesn't it feel better to know that someone else has felt the same way you do?  Doesn't it help to know you are not alone?  Isn't it good to know that there really is something you can do?

Let's talk more about it tomorrow!

Tags: Co-Dependent No More, Melody Beattie, Co-Dependency, Recovery

Take Back Your Heart

I found this website while doing some research
and thought it was a neat one.
Obviously, it is written from a female point of view,
but men can make co-dependent choices and fall for
sociopaths too ...

So Be Careful Out There!

Feel free to copy and paste this and pass it on
because
we all know someone who needs this just as much as we do!

Kiki Anniston Reveals: “The "Secret Reason" Why Women Are Attracted To Jerks, Players and Just Plain Dangerously Wrong Guys.” An open letter to single women frustrated with dating the wrong guys...   Hey Girlfriend, Can I ask you something personal? Be honest... Have you ever dated the type of guy that left you constantly waiting by the phone with an uneasy sick feeling in the pit of your stomach? Or a guy who made you feel bad about yourself, but for some reason you couldn’t leave him? (Of course, that same guy, at times, also made you feel like you were the only person on this planet - you know, that “hot-cold” type). And have you ever walked into a club and found yourself so attracted to one particular guy, you felt like you were in a trance and literally couldn't stop making eyes with him? If you answered yes to any of the above, it may be a sign that you’re susceptible to a certain “dangerous personality type” that psychiatrists have a SCARY sounding name for, which I'll tell you about in a sec... ...But first, I want you to quickly read through the following list of personality traits and jot down the ones that apply to either the guy you’re dating now or guys you’ve typically dated in the past: PERSONALITY TRAITS: 1. SUPERFICIAL CHARM -- the tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, and slick. Not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. He never gets tongue-tied and has freed himself from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example. 2. GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH -- a grossly inflated view of one's abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. An arrogant guy who believes he is a superior human being. 3. NEED FOR STIMULATION (PRONENESS TO BOREDOM) -- an excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Often has low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because he gets bored easily. 4. PATHOLOGICAL LYING -- can be moderate or high; in moderate form, and will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever (in extreme form, he will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest). 5. CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS -- the use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one's victims. 6. LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT -- a lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one's victims. 7. SHALLOW AFFECT -- emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness. 8. CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY -- a lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless. 9. PARASITIC LIFESTYLE -- an intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities. 10. POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS -- expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily. 11. PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR -- a variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests. 12. LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS -- an inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life. 13. IMPULSIVITY -- the occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless. 14. IRRESPONSIBILITY -- repeated failure tofulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements. 15. FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS -- a failure to accept responsibility for one's actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial. 16. MANY SHORT-TERM RELATIONSHIPS -- a lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital. 17. JUVENILE DELINQUENCY -- behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness. 18. CRIMINAL VERSATILITY -- A diversity of types of criminal offenses (regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them); taking great pride at getting away with crimes. Do any of these personality traits describe someone you've dated or are dating? If you answered yes, then you may be as surprised as I was to learn that all 18 traits are actually “clinical traits” of a sociopath (Source: Psychopathy Checklist-Revised, PCL-R; Hare,1991, 2003)... and IF you’ve dated guys with these traits, chances are YOU are attracted to or involved with a SOCIOPATH... yikes! Now before you freak out too much… I want you to know that you're not alone! I too was attracted to these kinds of guys (no wonder my relationships always brought me heartache and pain!)… Turns out there's a BIG difference between a "normal" guy you might date and a sociopath (a sociopath actually has something wrong with their conscience- they either don't have one or it’s severely fragmented). Sociopaths only care about fulfilling their own needs and desires - selfishness and egocentricity to the extreme. Everything and everybody else is mentally twisted around in their minds as objects to be used in fulfilling their own needs and desires. Not surprisingly, parental failure (usually fatherlessness) is the #1 reason why someone develops a sociopathic personality. Also interesting are the four distinct types of sociopaths (sound like anyone you've dated?): 1) Commons are characterized by their lack of conscience 2) Alienated are characterized by their inability to love or be loved 3) Aggressives are characterized by a consistent sadistic streak 4) Dyssocials are characterized by an inability to abide by normal rules I know, I know... I was shocked the first time I read these too. Okay, now getting back to MY story... It used to be that when I went out, I'd often find myself attracted to one particular guy (and not necessarily the best looking one in the room) where all we had to do was make eye contact and it was INSTANT SPARKS… almost like some invisible magnetic energy was drawing us to each other… Every time this happened, I thought what I was feeling was PASSION…or love at first sight... little did I know that I was deeply attracted to sociopathic personality types because of MY OWN dysfunctional psychology. You see, although I've never really had any trouble meeting attractive, successful, sweet guys… I usually didn't feel attracted to them. I always found myself saying there’s "no passion"… or they were too nice or boring. I now know that my concept of passion was really my addiction to the wrong type of guys…It turns out I was addicted to emotional highs and lows that sociopaths bombarded me with that keep me hooked... in “normal healthy relationships”, there tends to be a more steady emotional ride and you don’t feel the intensity of the highs and lows you're used to and, therefore, think there's something wrong or missing. I was amazed to learn that our brains actually become physically addicted to emotional intensity and the more we subject ourselves to roller coaster relationships of hot and cold intensity, the more addicted we get (just like a drug). This happens especially to those of us who grew up with a lot of “dysfunction” in the home. And, of course, that’s why these encounters always led to unfulfilling relationships where I constantly felt anxious, got manipulated and strung along... I didn't understand why this was happening to me and a friend of mine recommended I go see a therapist, so I did. Well, it didn’t take long my therapist to reach a very common conclusion – I had a codependent personality (which apparently explained everything)... It turns out that because codependents like to live through or for others, have a strong need to “fix” people and tend to seek out relationships where we can play a victim role… ...and because sociopaths are so full of themselves and thrive on controlling and manipulating others, when us codependents and a sociopath get together, it’s like nitro and glycerin – BOOM! Bottom line: I knew if I didn’t do something about this immediately, I would continue downward on the destructive spiral that I was already on. Can you guess what I did? I actually made a vow not to get involved with anyone until I got myself figured out and it was probably the most difficult part of my healing process (Seriously, you have no idea how codependent you really are until try to not be involved with anyone romantically for a while!) Now you may be wondering how a nice girl like me developed a codependent personality... Well, I figured this out too... It turns out that it's extremely common for children of alcoholics and addicts to be diagnosed as codependent because codependency stems from being abandoned (or abused) as a child and alcoholics and addicts essentially abandon their kids for their addictions. Although I’m not an alcoholic or drug addict, my father did have a drinking problem and that was the likely source for my codependency issues. Anyway, I decided to embark on a journey of self discovery with myself as my sole focus. I went to ALANON (the support group for children of addicts), I read dozens of books, took courses, took up yoga, starting eating healthy, went through a twelve step program… and become empowered and confident by focusing on fixing myself instead of trying to fix everyone but myself. I learned so much about myself and what made me tick, but at the same time, I was feeling lonely and for the first time, I really dreamed of being a great relationship... BUT, I realized that you will NEVER have a normal, healthy relationship unless you re-learn how to date. Think about it, after a lifetime of being codependent, you date like a codependent. Everything you did was to attract the “wrong guy”… and all the traits you were looking for and thought you were attracted to were traits of the “wrong guy”… and even though you may have achieved control over your codependency, you’ll continue to put yourself in the same situation because you approach dating as your old codependent self. It would be like an alchoholic fresh out of AA going into a bar every night for a cup of coffee! Not going to work! So how do you start from scratch and “learn” to date all over again, only this time, the healthy way? I eventually found myself feeling ready to try my hand at dating again. Even though I was totally aware of my condition, I was still attracting the jerk/player type! What on earth was I doing wrong? Even with my new self awareness, I couldn’t understand why I was back where I started. I discussed this with my therapist and she identified that indeed I had to throw out a lifetime of experience and behavior to acquire a new healthy mindset towards dating. At first it was a bit daunting, but then I got excited about the concept of starting all over again. I mean, who wouldn’t want a second chance? Well, after reading numerous dating and self help books including “The Rules”, “He’s Just Not That Into You”, “Why You’re Still Single” and "Why Men Love Bitches"... one book in particular really stood out from the rest. It's called “Catch Him and Keep Him” and it’s not your typical guide on how to meet guys. This book reveals incredibly valuable and "original" insights into the differences between the way a man's mind and a woman's mind works when it comes to dating and attraction. It was so "eye opening", it changed my entire mindset about how to approach dating and men... The minute I started reading Christian Carter's book, it was as if this book was written just for me. It completely blew me away! Everything he wrote just made sense. There's just too much to explain here, so I've posted one of his newsletters on my site so you can see for yourself what I mean: read sample newsletter You have to agree, it's a totally different approach than just relying on your heart and your urges. And the fact that it's written by a guy makes it even that much more "eye opening". It really helped me change my approach to dating, and I'm happy to say, I’ve met and fallen in love with Michael - a wonderful and beautiful man who treats me really well. Yes, I still feel sometimes like I don’t deserve him. I’ve shared all of these things with him and he accepts me faults and all. So I want you to know that there really is hope... Based on my experience, here are the three critical steps you must take to eliminate these "dead ends" from your life : 1) Get Out Of The "Denial" And Out Of Your "Situation" : It's time to be honest with yourself and admit you are caught in this cycle of destructive behavior. Then you have to make a promise of zero-contact with any romantic involvement until you get yourself straightened out. 2) Seek Expert Help: There are many resources available to you at little or no cost. Therapy is the best way to go as well as support groups such as Alanon and Codependents Anonymous. It's way too hard to heal without an objective, qualified, and non-judgmental help. Once you feel strong enough to date again, its time to… 3) Change Your Approach: The definition of insanity is when continue the same approach over and over again expecting a different result. When would NOW be good time to change your approach to relationships and learn how to date the "healthy" way? Bottom Line: If you want to break the cycle of dating "Mr. Wrong" so you can finally find "Mr. Right", I highly recommend you download this ebook: CatchHimAndKeepHim.com and re-learn your approach to dating just like I did. Okay, I gotta run... I'm busy writing some more stuff to share on this site soon. Your friend, - Kiki P.S. Feel free to CONTACT ME at kiki@TakeBackYourHeart.com if you have any stories you'd like to share. I promise to writeyou back personally.

Copyright 2007
TakeBackYourHeart.com

 

Tags: co-dependency, sociopaths, wrong kind of men, attraction, people who can't love

It Was YOU !!!

I once thought that I could make your road easier

by illuminating the road to healing that worked for me.

In my enthusiasm,
I forgot that YOU have a road that is just your's
and a healing that is just as special as YOU are.

 

How ironic that while I wrote about healing,
And may have encouraged some of you ...
It was YOU

who helped bring healing to me

through your kindness, your acceptance and your example.

 

I wrote hoping to make a difference

But it was YOU who made a difference to me!
Perhaps that is the miracle?

I came open to give,
Never expecting how open I would be to receiving ...

the very BEST of YOU.



Thank YOU.



Love & Light From Healing Creek,