One of the toughest things for me to understand was that some of the things I called "love" weren't really "love" at all, but addictive behaviors. I think I was more in love with being in love than the actual person ... It took me a while to see that I wasn't attached to any of them as much as I was attached to "the idea of them". Melody Beattie (author of Co-Dependent No More) explained the difference between love and addiction way better than I can:
The Difference Between Love & Addiction
Love
Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Addiction
Dependent, based on security and comfort; use intensity of need and infatuation as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness).
Love
Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Addiction
Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.
Love
Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in their own worth.
Addiction
Preoccupation with other's behavior; dependent on other's approval for own identity and self worth.
Love
Trust; Openness.
Addiction
Jealousy, possessiveness, fears, competition.
Love
Mutual integrity preserved.
Addiction
One partner's needs suspended for the other's; self-deprivation.
Love
Willingness to risk and be real.
Addiction
Search for perfect invulnerability - eliminates possible risks.
Love
Room for exploration of feelings in and of relationship.
Addiction
Reassurance through repeated, ritualized activity.
Love
Ability to enjoy being alone.
Addiction
Intolerance - unable to endure separations (even in conflict); hang on even tighter. Undergo withdrawal - loss of appetite, restless, lethargic, disoriented agony.
Breakups:
Love
Accept breakup without feeling a loss of own adequacy and self worth.
Addiction
Feel inadequate, worthless; often one-sided decision.
Love
Wants best for partner, though apart; can become friends.
Addiction
Violent ending - often hate the other; try to inflict pain; manipulation to get the other back.
One-Sided Addiction
Denial, fantasy; overestimation of other's commitment. Seeks solutions outside self - drugs, alcohol, new lover, change of situation.
No wonder I was confused! It helped to look at the differences because it gave me something concrete that I could work on. One thing for sure ... I needed to stop living for everyone else and start living for me!
Melody Beattie said that too:
Live Your Own Life
We may be in so much emotional distress we think we have no life; all we are is our pain. That's not true. We are more than our problems. We can be more than our problems.
Just because life has been this painful so far
doesn't mean it has to keep hurting.
Life doesn't have to hurt so much,
and it won't - if we begin to change.
It may not be all roses from here on out,
but it doesn't have to be all thorns either.
We need to and can develop our own lives.
We take into account our responsibilities to other people, because that is what responsible people do. But we also know we count too. We try to eliminate "shoulds" from our decisions and learn to trust ourselves. If we listen to ourselves and our higher power, we will not be misled. Giving ourselves what we need and learning to live self-directed lives requires faith. We need enough faith to get on with our lives, and we need to do at least a little something each day to begin to move forward.
We can learn to trust ourselves again. Most co-dependents have been "taking care" of everyone in their world for a long time. Just stop. Let everyone fend for themselves for a little bit and direct all that energy toward taking care of you. It might feel a little awkward at first, but I promise it's worth it!
I wish all of you could share the view I have now. I love seeing women (and men, because men can be co-dependent too) discover how much they really have learned and how capable they really are. It is truly beautiful to see people turn their energy inward, learning to take better care of themselves, trying out new boundaries for themselves and others, getting back in touch with themselves and their true feelings ...
Does that sound like a tall order? Does that sound like an impossible dream? It's not! None of us changed ourselves and the way we lived all at once. We recovered, one day at a time, one lesson at a time, one step at a time ...
Think of all that energy you have spent on helping/changing/fixing everyone else and imagine what would happen if you changed one thing about yourself every day or even every other day for the next year ... How much better do you think you would feel a year from now? Think about how good it would feel to feel better than you feel right now. It's possible!
We'll talk more tomorrow ...
(excerpts from Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie)
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