I always thought everyone thought like me. It never even occurred to me that there was another way! I didn't know that there was a healthier way. As I read the list the first time, I let myself think of examples of things I had talked myself into or out of ...
The three most common elements in addictive thinking are:
1. Denial
The addicted person finds accepting the diagnosis of addiction every bit as devastating as accepting a diagnosis of cancer.
Stinking Thinkingby Robert Burney M.A.
The "stinking thinking" of Co-dependency causes us to have
a dysfunctional relationship with ourselves and others.
These are some traits of that stinking thinking:
In spite of our best intentions,
"stinking thinking" doesn't just disappear overnight.
It takes work to change old habits ...
Tomorrow, I'll share something that worked for me.
Addictive Thinking
by Abraham J. Twerski, M.D.
by Abraham J. Twerski, M.D.
Many of the features of addictive thinking can be seen in co-dependents as well as addicts because they stem from a similar origin: low self-esteem.
The self-deceptive features of addictive thinking and co-dependency have much in common. In both, there are often denial, rationalization, and projection. In both, contradictory ideas can coexist, and there is fierce resistance to change oneself and a desire to change others. In both, there is a delusion of control, and in both there is, invariably, low self-esteem. Thus, all the features of addictive thinking are present in both, and the only distinguishing feature may be the chemical use.
There was laughter when a man suggested that alcoholic thinking is every bit as destructive as alcoholic drinking. To illustrate, the man read the questions from a self-test for alcoholism, substituting the word THINKING for the word DRINKING. Here is what we read:
Are You an Addictive Thinker?
1. Do you lose time from work due to thinking?
2. Is thinking making your home life unhappy?
3. Have you ever felt remorse after thinking?
4. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of thinking?
5. Does your thinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
6. Has your ambition decreased since thinking?
7. Does thinking cause you to have difficulty sleeping?
8. Has your efficiency decreased since thinking?
9. Is thinking jeopardizing your job or business?
10. Do you think to escape worries or troubles?
2. Is thinking making your home life unhappy?
3. Have you ever felt remorse after thinking?
4. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of thinking?
5. Does your thinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
6. Has your ambition decreased since thinking?
7. Does thinking cause you to have difficulty sleeping?
8. Has your efficiency decreased since thinking?
9. Is thinking jeopardizing your job or business?
10. Do you think to escape worries or troubles?
The point is that even in the absence of chemicals, distorted, addictive thinking wreaks havoc.
Many addictive thinkers come to their conclusions because they reverse ordinary cause and effect. Although addictive thinkers turn logic around, they are absolutely convinced that their logic is valid. They not only resist rational arguments to the contrary, but also they cannot understand why others do not see the "obvious". An example is: The fact that chemicals usually cause the problems, but the addicted person believes that problems cause chemical use.
The peculiarity of addictive thinking, he says, is the inability to reason with oneself. This can apply to various emotional and behavioral problems, but is invariably found in addiction: alcoholism, other drug addiction, compulsive gambling, sexual addiction, eating disorders, nicotine addiction, and co-dependency.
The three most common elements in addictive thinking are:
1. Denial
The addicted person finds accepting the diagnosis of addiction every bit as devastating as accepting a diagnosis of cancer.
2. Rationalization
Rationalization means providing "good" reasons instead of the true reason. Like denial, this defense is not exclusive to chemically dependent people, though addicts can be very adept at it. Rationalization also preserves the status quo, making the addict feel it is acceptable not to make necessary changes. This characteristic of addictive thinking can operate long after an addict overcomes denial and becomes abstinent.
Rationalization means providing "good" reasons instead of the true reason. Like denial, this defense is not exclusive to chemically dependent people, though addicts can be very adept at it. Rationalization also preserves the status quo, making the addict feel it is acceptable not to make necessary changes. This characteristic of addictive thinking can operate long after an addict overcomes denial and becomes abstinent.
3. Projection
Projection means placing the blame on others for things we are really responsible for ourselves.
1. It reinforces denial.
2. It helps preserve the status quo.
Blaming someone else seems to relieve an addict from the responsibility of making changes: "As long as you do this to me, you cannot expect me to change." Since the others are not likely to change, the drinking and the other drug use can continue.
Projection means placing the blame on others for things we are really responsible for ourselves.
1. It reinforces denial.
2. It helps preserve the status quo.
Blaming someone else seems to relieve an addict from the responsibility of making changes: "As long as you do this to me, you cannot expect me to change." Since the others are not likely to change, the drinking and the other drug use can continue.
Denial, Rationalization and Projection are all subconscious acts. These three major elements of addictive thinking - denial, rationalization, and projection - must be addressed at every stage of recovery.
In recovery, an addict's perceptions undergo a gradual change. With the help of counseling and working the Twelve-Step program, addicts become less self-centered and less exquisitely sensitive. As sobriety progresses, self-esteem improves and they no longer interpret everything as personal, as belittling. They begin to take responsibility for their actions and stop blaming others. Things that used to provoke anger and rage no longer do so.
Every aspect of recovery is subject to growth. Accepting life on it's own terms, accepting powerlessness, surrendering to a Higher Power, taking and sharing a moral inventory, making amends ... all those things take place gradually.
Stinking Thinkingby Robert Burney M.A.
The "stinking thinking" of Co-dependency causes us to have
a dysfunctional relationship with ourselves and others.
These are some traits of that stinking thinking:
1. Black and White Thinking:
The disease comes from an absolute black and white, right/wrong, always and never perspective. "I will always be alone." "I never get a break." Any negative thing that happens gets turned into a sweeping generality.
2. Negative Focus:The disease always wants to focus on the half of the glass that is empty and lament, rather than be grateful for what we have. Even if the glass is 7/8 ths full the disease can find some negative to focus on. (On the other extreme are some people who focus only on the good as a way of denying their feelings.)
3. Magical Thinking:Mind reading, fortune telling, assuming - we think we can read other peoples minds and feelings, or foretell the future, and then act as if what we assume is the reality. We often create self-fulfilling prophecies this way.
4. Starring in the Soap Opera:Blowing things out of proportion, playing the "King or Queen of tragedy." Some of us are addicted to "Trauma Dramas"and want the excitement and intensity of dramatic scenes while others of us are terrified of conflict. It is quite common in codependent relationships to have one person who is over-indulgent and dramatic emotionally coupled with someone who wants to avoid conflict and emotions at all costs.
5. Self-Discount:Inability to receive, or to admit to our own positivequalities or accomplishments. When someone gives us a compliment we minimize it ("Oh it was nothing"), make a joke out of it, or just ignore the compliment by changing the subject or turning the compliment back on the other person.
6. Emotional Reasoning:Reasoning from feelings. "I feel like a failure therefore I am a failure." Believing that what we feel is who we are without separating the inner child's feelings about what happened a long time ago from the adults feelings in the now.
7. Shoulds:"Shoulds," "must," "ought to," and "have to" come from a parent or authority figure. "Should" means "I don't want to but they are making me." Adults don't have shoulds - adults have choices.
8. Self-Labeling:Identifying with our shortcomings and mistakes, with our human imperfection, and calling our self names like "stupid," "loser," "jerk," or "fool" instead of accepting our humanity and learning from any mistakes or shortcomings.
9. Personalizing and Blame:Blaming yourself for something you weren't entirely responsible for, or for how someone else feels. Conversely, you may blame other people, external events, or fate, while overlooking how your own attitudes and behavior may have contributed to a problem.
Codependent Stinking Thinking + The Rules for Being Human + Risking
Even today, I have to be mindful of the way I think.
Just because an idea pops into my head doesn't mean it's true!
It could just as easily be
one of those random wacky thoughts that just appear.
Who knows where they come from? Maybe something I overheard, a movie I watched, a book I read ...
We are bombarded with over 6,000 messages everyday.
Not every single thing that comes to my mind is worth my attention!
I had to give myself permission to think in a new way:
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Refuse requests without feeling guilty. Be competent and be proud of my accomplishments. Feel and express anger. Ask for affection and help (may be turned down, but can ask.) Be treated as a capable adult. Be illogical in making decisions. Make mistakes - and be responsible for them. Change my mind. Say, "I don't know." Say, "I don't agree." Say, "I don't care." Offer no reasons or excuses for justifying my behavior. Have my opinions be given respect. Have my needs be as important as the needs of others. Tell someone what my needs are (they may not care to do anything about it.) Evaluate my own behavior, thoughts, and emotions and be responsible for their initiation and the consequences upon myself. Take pride in my body and define attractiveness in my own terms. Grow, learn, change - value my age and experience. And sometimes to make demands on others.
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In spite of our best intentions,
"stinking thinking" doesn't just disappear overnight.
It takes work to change old habits ...
Tomorrow, I'll share something that worked for me.
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