Wow! Has it really been this long since I had anything to say? LOL ...
Recovery has a way of taking us down paths we never would have tried before I guess ...
As I got stronger, I found myself in a curious place. I have been a people person all my life and one by one, the people in my life disappeared ...
Do you remember me saying that as we get healthier, there will be some people who won't like it? I had a few friendships that changed when I stopped doing everything for the other person. I realized that I had always been the one taking care of them. That is, after all, what co-dependents do, but healthy relationships are give and take on both people's part. It's not healthy for one person to do all the giving and the other to do all the taking. Both people lose.
There were a dozen others that passed away in a few years time ... I suppose we can expect that as we get older, we will have more family and friends pass away, but I was shocked to lose so many so close together. I don't think I am really over it yet. I can't even count the times that I am working on something and think, "I'll call ... " before I remind myself that they are gone.
This is how I came to this odd place. I have gained a new understanding of myself and others ... but I find myself mostly isolated these days. How does a people person become such a contemplative one? How long will I be mostly alone with my thoughts? I am okay with being alone with myself, but I am starting to miss the interaction.
In the past few years, I have had occasional visits with my family, and have loved being with them, but when the visit is over, I seem to retreat back into my quiet everydays ... I see myself differently. I see others differently. I see my role in their life and their role in mine in a totally different way, but it has been like buying a new pair of shoes ... shopping and choosing a pair of shoes that will work, but still knowing that there will be a breaking in period. Do you know what I mean?
Have you ever felt this way?
My husband says that life changes about every ten years ... whether it's a new job, a new house, a move, children growing up ... Something happens that takes us in a new direction. I guess he's right. We are headed in a new direction, not sure of what is around the next bend or over the next hill, but happy to accept life as it is now, counting our blessings. He tells me not to worry so much about whether I am a people person or not ... that I will always be a people person, but I am currently without a lot of people.
I have faith that everything is as it should be ... that I am in God's classroom. After a lifetime of unhealthy interactions, He has me in a quiet study hall where I can concentrate on the new lessons, finish my homework and get ready for the next pop quiz! Following the metaphor, I'll have to admit that I can't wait for the bell to ring so I can go out in the hallway where the people are. I might even get to go to the playground and make some new friends!
If you are reading my note while you are in a study hall of your own, meet me outside when the bell rings! Race you!
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