Just planting more seeds ... and sharing some good information that I found on the web ...
If We Learn From Mistakes, I Should Be A Genius!
As I learned about life and dysfunctional relationships, it became apparent that true understanding comes with going through one and coming out with my head intact.
Here are some quick checks you may want to consider in evaluating your relationship and whether it is addictive or not.
1. Addictive relationships are not usually balanced 50/50. Most of the time one person is either doing all the giving or all the receiving, one party is working way too hard.
2. One the key factors of addictive relationship is the demand for immediate or instant gratification. Everything has to be done very quickly and in the present moment. This is a common trait in drug addicts and alcoholics also.
3. A dysfunctional relationship usually involves a great deal of control, obsession, and fixation on your partner. There is a tendency to 'make them change' or an idea that I will 'fix' them.
4. There tends to be a great deal of dishonesty about the relationship, either in trying to hide certain aspects of yourself you did not want your partner to find out, or presenting all false front to cover up who you really are.
5. The last thing I would mention in this quick checklist is the highs and lows. The few emotional highs seem like mountains of ecstasy, but the lows feel the bottom has dropped out. The lows last longer and go deeper than the highs ever could.
It took a lot pain to learn how to handle an addictive relationship or dysfunctional relationship. The old saying goes we learn more from our mistakes than we do our moments of victory.
( In most dysfunctional relationships, there is someone who gives too much and someone who takes too much.
To be fair, I can remember people asking me what I wanted, whether it was to choose a movie, order a meal or even pick a favorite. I never really had an answer. I had no idea what my real feelings were. I had memorized everyone else's favorites but I knew NOTHING about my own!
The demands that are made of us are rarely realistic, and yet so many of us co-dependents tried to meet and exceed them! )
The Ten Demandments: Insuring Misery In Relationships
It has been my experiences both personal and professional that people either active in addiction or a recovery, need help in two key areas of life. These are dealing with feelings or emotions, and dealing with relationships. If you would like to test yourself out and see some dysfunctional, but possibly all too familiar rules for relationships, read on and see how many of the ten demandments ring true for you. Here are ten rules to insure unhappiness in any relationship:
The Ten Demandments
1. Thou shalt make me happy.
2. Doubt shalt not have any other interests other than me.
3. Thou shalt know what I want and what I feel without having me to say.
4. Thou shalt return each one of my sacrifices with an equal or greater sacrifice.
5. Thou shalt shield me from anxiety, worry, hurt, or any pain.
6. Thou shalt give me my sense of self-worth and esteem.
7. Thou shalt be grateful for everything I do.
8. Thou shalt not be critical of me, show anger toward me, or otherwise disapprove of anything I do.
9. Thou shalt so caring and loving that I need never take risks or be vulnerable in any way.
10. Thou shalt love me with the whole heart, the whole soul, in the whole mind, even if I do not love myself.
Not only are these rules for a dysfunctional relationship but more than a few hint at unhealthy co-dependence.
Attributed to Richard H. Lucas. Ph.D, Houston TX
Edited by Bill Urell,
MA in Addictions Counseling, CAAP-II, Owner and Editor.
The Symptoms of Co-dependency
To a large degree the symptoms of co-dependence are about extremes. People who exhibit co-dependencies often did not seem to have a moderator, they go full speed ahead, or dead stop.
We will discuss five essential symptoms co-dependent behavior. I first learned of this view of co-dependence from Pia Mellody inher book Facing Co-dependence.
These 5 symptoms are:
1. Difficulty having appropriate levels of self-esteem.
People in dysfunctional relationships such as cut dependence have troubles with either very low self-esteem or very high self-esteem. High self-esteem manifests itself through arrogance and a belief that I am superior to everyone else. Low self-esteem comes from the belief that you have less worth than other people your feelings and beliefs don't count. In either case self-esteem is taught within the family of origin. A newborn baby has neither high self-esteem nor low self-esteem; these attitudes are developed in growing up, usually from modeling family behavior.
2. Inability to set realistic, functioning, boundaries.
Boundaries are something that are taught during childhood. If we came from dysfunctional families or families with poor boundaries it is likely that we will have not have learned to set the boundaries ourselves. Boundaries serve a number of purposes, they can offer protection from other people, from ourselves, and they can define who we are in the world. People with poor boundaries on one extreme confine themselves enmeshed with another person to the point where they're not taking care of their own needs. These people tend to generate self-esteem from how the important they are in taking care of another. People with the rigid and inflexible boundaries tend to live in isolation behind walls. People with no boundaries, tend to be taken advantage of and victimized.
3. Difficulty knowing who you are.
Co-dependents have difficulty seeing themselves as they really are, both physically and mentally. They often have poor or skewed body image problems. They often have altered interpretations of thoughts and their ability to share them. They often have difficulty identifying, owning, and regulating emotions. Another aspect of this is denying who you really are, living in a fantasy, or making up an alter ego.
4. Having trouble defining needs and wants and meeting them.
It is common for someone to get their wants and needs confused. A co-dependent person is sometimes able to acknowledge there needs and wants but they tried to meet them by themselves without any help. They may also be aware of needs and wants and expect people to fill them without having to help themselves. Another area of difficulty is to have needs a wants and simply not be aware of some, thus taking no action to fill them.
5. Difficulty in expressing ourselves moderately and knowing what “normal” is.
A co-dependent person just doesn't seem to understand what moderation is. They swing like a pendulum from extreme to extreme, ecstatic or miserable, completely indifferent or completely involved. It seems they do not understand when enough is enough. Often people have difficulty in understanding what normal’ is because they never had ‘normal’ modeled for them when there were growing up. Growing up in a dysfunctional home where emotions were not expressed, one learns to freeze their own emotions. If there were no boundaries or restraints, we learned no boundaries or restraints.
In general, exposure to dysfunctional family upbringing, whether alcohol and drugs were used or physical, emotional, or sexual abuse or neglect were present, can produce children who will eventually become co-dependent adults.
Co-dependency is Loss of Self.
Anything that contributes to your loss of self is co-dependency." It is as simple as that!
Loss of self occurs when I am focused on fixing, helping, understanding, care taking you and not on caring about me. For me to not lose self I need to care about you not for you. My job is to care about me. I need to feel with you not for you. You are responsible for feeling your own feelings not me. I need to be responsible to you as my parent, spouse, child, or friend, not be responsible for you. I am responsible for me and to you and, you are responsible for you and to me. If we can do this in relationship than both of us have the opportunity to mature and to develop a sense of self.
Loss of self occurs when I say no but I mean yes or when I say yes but I mean no. Of course, this sounds confusing and the co-dependent often does feel confused, indecisive, and rattled. One can understand why! It is a lifetime of guessing what somebody else needs and wants and over time, the co-dependent forgets who he or she is. The sense of self is not developed. The individual does learn what he or she needs, wants, feels and the struggle of discovery is absent. Gradually, initially however, bit by bit, little by little, year by year, the erosion occurs. It is not even the erosion; instead, it is the not building of self, so a double loss is occurring. You miss the journey.
Loss of self is learned helplessness. Reinforced codependent behaviors do not serve me well, nor do they serve others well. Co-dependent relationship dynamics create and foster dependency for both individuals. It is a no-win dynamic. It is not about individual or relationship building. I cannot give up "me" and think there can be a "we". An "I" is needed for a "we" to exist.
Loss of self creates a victim mentality. A victim who cannot see how he or she has built his or her own prison. Denial, anger, shame, guilt, passivity, fear, and sadness and oftentimes depression, are the bars of this prison. The wounded child and critical parent are present and the adult ego state has yet to be built.
Loss of self affects the family members and friends of the co-dependent. Oftentimes, the co-dependent moves from one crisis to the next and others suffer. Denial is a core symptom for the loss of self. Co-dependent thinking is if I do not see it, acknowledge it, believe it, then it does not exist.
Are You Co-dependent? ( 10 Questions to Ask Yourself )
- Are you co-dependent?
- Do you have loss of self?
- Do I care for you instead of about you?
- Do I own responsibility for you and not to you?
- Do I need your approval and do not know my own mind?
- Do I think for you and do not know my own thoughts?
- Do I have appropriate emotional boundaries with you? Do I practice emotional detachment with you?
- Do I feel and act like a victim in relationships?
- Do I have low self-esteem?
- Do I repress feelings and have a wall of denial around me and in my relationships?
Co-dependency is real.
It exists within self and within relationships.
Loss of self occurs as we have just described and
it is destructive to self and to others.
A closing thought is when there is not enough of me for me,
surely there cannot be enough of me to share with you.
If after reading this article, you see yourself as co-dependent then reach out for help.
written by Linda M. Smith, PhD, LMFT
and featured on this web-site: Overcoming Addiction, Growing In Addiction Recovery
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