I Was Addicted To Love

I don't really know if you or anyone else is addicted to love.  

I know I was addicted to "love" or what I thought was "love". 

 

It took years and thousands of dollars in therapy for me to say that sentence!
 
I didn't get it.  In the beginning, I probably didn't want to get it.  On a good day, I felt like I was starring in my own romantic comedy ... you know the kind where the girl meets the bad boy and changes him into the man of her dreams ... but I didn't seek therapy for riding off into the sunset!

 

Some of you know my story.  For those of you who don't, I'll share the abbreviated version. 



Most of the men in my life had been bad boys.  All of those relationships started off with the stars realigning to form a perfect heart for us to walk through ... Okay, I'm exaggerating, but you get my point ... When I fell for a guy, my path was magically lined with roses.  My heart would skip a beat when I heard their voice.  I would hang on their every word.  I could spend hours just getting lost in their eyes.  If there hand brushed against mine, I felt like I could feel their touch the rest of the day.  Everything about them was scrumptious.  I couldn't get or give enough.  It was better than drugs or alcohol!  It was in LO ... er, I mean ... ADDICTION.

 

It was exciting.  It was dramatic.  It had all the good girl-bad boy dynamics.  It was a roller coaster ride with spine tingling highs and gut wrenching lows. 

 

For me, every one of those addictive relationships ended with just as much drama and intrigue. 

The boys were bad boys.  Duh!  Bad boys don't have traditional standards.  Bad boys do whatever they want to do.  Bad boys can drink, smoke, do drugs, gamble and cheat on you, and sometimes, they can do all that before the rest of the world has finished breakfast!

I had to be honest with myself.  I liked the excitement.  I liked the idea of being able to tame a wild horse.  I thought I was up for the challenge!  I got thrown every single time.  I got hurt.  I didn't ever tame a single one.

 

The last time was the worst time.  For the sake of this conversation, I will call him Aydan (not his real name).  I ignored all the signs that the relationship was ending and hung on tight.  He was saying one thing one minute and something else the next.  I decided Aydan was just confused and needed my help. 

I drove over to his house, determined to do my best.  The conversation went pretty well until the phone rang.  Aydan didn't answer the phone, but his whole demeanor changed.  He seemed anxious and distracted.  He tried to provoke an argument, but I was determined NOT to argue or let the conversation end on a bad note. 

Aydan had his own ideas.  Aydan got up and went to the other room.  I thought he went to get a beer, maybe go to the bathroom ... I was wrong.  I heard the shotgun being cocked before he walked through the door.  His face was red, almost purple and his eyes were dark. 

 

I looked down. 

 

Aydan was hollering but I have no idea to this day what he was saying ... I was lost in my own thoughts.  I thought of my family, my kids ... I thought I was going to die. 

I started praying, "Lord, I just ask You to surround this place with a legion of angels.  I ask that You cover us and this house with the blood of Jesus and keep us safe.  Thank You Lord for the peace of Your Holy Spirit.  In Jesus name, Amen."  It felt so good, I kept on praying.  I figured if I was going to die anyway, I may as well be speaking to the next One I'd see!

 

Aydan back off ... I believe he backed off because God answered my prayer.  I believe that even the worst storms end.  Thank you Lord!

 

I ran.  I got away.  I stayed away.

 

But even after all that, I still hoped ... I didn't understand why my feelings were still so strong.  My world was spinning out of control and I couldn't find my balance.  I was going through major withdrawal!  I made excuses for him.  I tried to explain away his actions.  I kept wishing I could turn back time.  I curled up in a little ball and listened to "co-dependent no one will ever love you like I love you love songs".  I spent hours and hours, obsessively writing pages and pages of things I wished for ... I kept running over the relationship in my mind, looking for clues of why things got so bad.  I made myself miserable contemplating questions that had no answers! 

THERE WERE TOO MANY OBSESSIVE, CO-DEPENDENT, ROSE-COLORED THOUGHTS TO LIST ...

 

Why was I still hoping for a fairy tale ending?

 

Why was I even wishing for some sort of resolution?

 

Why was I willing to let him off the hook?

 

Why couldn't I just face the fact that there are bad people in this world?

 

That kind of thinking was sending me down the wrong road.  It might have been good for me to get those feelings out, but it was also dangerously close to the same thing that a drug addict does when they talk about their first high!  It isn't anything but ... 

Addictive Thinking!

I remember thinking, "Maybe, I just misunderstood?"

 

From a stronger part of myself, a single thought rose up, "What is wrong with you, Taylor?  It is kind of hard to misinterpret a loaded shotgun pointed right at your head!  Wake up!"

 

Just like an addict, I was looking for a "fix", or maybe, it's more correct to say, "a way to fix everything"!

 

That's what being co-dependent is all about.  Co-dependents learn early to live the lie that if we just be a little better, if we just try a little harder, then everything will be okay and we will get the love we are missing. 

Aydan had so much anger and a need to release it.  I had an equal need to try to convert his anger, his crimes, his punishment into the love and acceptance I wanted so badly.  Some of us waste whole lifetimes trying to be good enough for someone to love us. 

Of course, Aydan was abusive before that last day.  He called me names and criticized me constantly.  I hated it when he pushed me or slapped me but I always found a way to make his bad behavior tolerable.  I didn't know that abuse has a cycle.  I hoped it would get better.  I didn't know that abuse always gets worse. 

 

The gun was the last straw.  From the moment Aydan walked into the room with a gun, something inside me snapped.

 

Guns are NOT negotiable.

 

Before that, I had bought into all the lies ... the lie that he couldn't help himself ... the lie that his past was stopping him from having the kind of life everyone else has ... the lie that I needed to understand ... the lie that I could make things better ... All those lies are nothing but ...

 

Addictive Thinking!

 

I woke up!  It was like I was seeing Aydan for the first time.  Of course, I saw his anger.  It was all over the place!

 

BUT look what it took to wake me up!

That experience changed the way I looked at myself and when the view of my self changed, everything changed!  I was determined to fight back because no matter how bad things had gotten, I had survived.  I was alive!  I had lived through the worst day of my life.  After all that, I couldn't go anywhere but up! 

 

I had to take ownership of my own path.  I had to accept responsibility for my part in the nonsense in my life.  There was a little girl inside me that wanted someone to make up for all the hurt I felt as a little girl.  None of those "Bad boys" wanted to take care of my needs!  I was only valuable to any of them as long as I took care of their needs.  The minute I showed any need at all, I immediately diminished in value to them. 

I had to stand on my own two feet and find my own value.  I had to forgive myself.  I even learned to forgive the ones who had hurt me, because that is the only way I could truly be free to grow past them.

 

Addictive Thinking ALMOST Got The Best Of Me! 

 

That is what ADDICTION looks like ...  but ... That is what RECOVERY looks like too!  Addiction only felt like REAL LOVE because it's the closest I had ever been to love!  But Addiction is NOT LOVE.  Addiction takes away from our lives.  LOVE adds to our lives.

 

Getting over addiction of any kind is not easy.  I was like any other addict.  Addicts don't want to give up what we've got or what we think we have got.  We deny the negative effects of our addiction on our lives and the lives of our families and friends.  We minimize and justify our wacky ideas about TRUE LOVE, but deep down, we know we are missing the boat.

 

In the beginning of recovery, I asked my therapist, "I hear what you are telling me about the difference between addiction and love, but if this isn't real love, why does it hurt so much?"

 

He just smiled and said,   

 

Addiction is REAL!  It does HURT!  It hurts to be an addict and it hurts to stop being an addict ... but it's worth it.

 

He was right.  It was worth it. 

 

Healing didn't happen in a straight line.  Recovery is messy business.  It calls up every thing in our lives and requires that we take a long, hard look at ourselves.  It wasn't always easy for me to look in the mirror.  I didn't always like what I saw.  There were breakthrough moments!  There were epiphanies!  I loved those moments of accomplishment, but I learned to welcome the lows too because they are part of the process.  It is the natural rhythm of things.  We don't have to fear one moment.  We can embrace and welcome each moment and every mood.  There is beauty in it all. 

 

I had to make changes in the way I look at myself and the rest of the world to survive.  I couldn't keep the idea that there is good in EVERYBODY because that's just not true.  I couldn't keep the idea that if I tried a little harder and worked a little more, everything would magically turn out okay, because sometimes, in spite of our very best efforts, things don't turn out okay.  It hurt to give up that idealistic view of the world, but the seasoned view I have now is not so bad.

 

Tomorrow, I will talk about addictive thinking in a less personal way ... If you see yourself or someone you care about in my story, the next post might be helpful ...