Re-Organizing My Thoughts With THE FOUR AGREEMENTS

In my life classroom, two things happened at once ... I found out about "stinking thinking" and learned a few things about how it had effected my life.

I found out that there were a lot of things that I knew for sure - but after I took a closer look - I guess I didn't really know as much as I thought I knew.  I don't know where all the things I believed came from, but I accepted that not everything was true.

I was still thinking things over when I found THE FOUR AGREEMENTS by Don Miguel Ruiz.  The actual Title is A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom - THE FOUR AGREEMENTS - A Toltec Wisdom Book. 

Don Miguel wrote about exactly what I was thinking about.  He said that little children are like sponges, soaking up everything around them.  Thousands and thousands of little ideas ... We heard it or we read it, we agreed and it became a part of us.  Those ideas became little agreements in our personal book of "truth". 

Think about it ... How many of us heard things like:

"You looked good in blue."

"You are quite an artist."
"You are a good reader."
"You are so pretty."
"You are so smart."

"You have beautiful penmanship."
"You sing like and angel."
"You are so funny!" 

All good things, right?

But ...

What if someone wasn't feeling well?
What if someone was having a bad day and they took it out on us
What if someone was just being mean?

"Must you sing that same song over and over?  You can't sing!"

"Why are you so dumb?" 
"Why can't you be like your little sister?" 
"Why can't you play ball like your brother?" 
"You look ridiculous in that color!" 
"Eating that will make you sick." 
"You make me sick." 
... and some children hear even worse things like
"I wish you were never born!"

 

We believed everything.  They said it so it must be true!
We agreed and recorded it in our own personal "book of truth" ...

BUT ...

We are not children anymore and it's time to put away childish things.

Some of my "stinking thinking" came directly from my personal "book of truth"!
Is it possible to clear the slate? 
Can I start over?

 

Don Miguel Ruiz says we can, and after five years of using THE FOUR AGREEMENTS in my own life, I can tell you that it has worked for me too. 

He suggested that when one of those random ideas "pop into your head", stop yourself and apply THE FOUR AGREEMENTS lavishly to those old and new agreements. 

THE FOUR AGREEMENTS are easy to remember, and with a little practice, you can develop habits that will change the way you think and that will change the way you live. 

Let me share THE FOUR AGREEMENTS in Don Miguel Ruiz's own words:  

1.     BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD

Speak with integrity.  Say only what you mean.  Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.  Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.  

2.     DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.  When you are immune to the opinions and action of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.  

3.     DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want.  Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.  With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.  

4.     ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.  Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.  

They're NOT meant to be a religion although they could become a way of life.  It's common sense.  Making those four agreements with yourself could eliminate a great deal of emotional drama, pain and poison from your life.  

Don Miguel Ruiz says:

You need to be very strong to adopt the Four Agreements - but if you can begin to live your life with these agreements, the transformation in your life will be amazing.  

On being impeccable with your word ... 

Our words are powerful.  We can speak words that create harmony or we can speak words that create discord. We can speak blessings or curses on ourselves and the people around us.  Your words can set you free, or it can enslave you even more than you know.

It isn't just what we say.  It's keeping our word.  We shouldn't just say what we mean.  We should mean what we say.

Don Miguel promised:  "If you make an agreement with yourself to be impeccable with your word, just with that intention, the truth will manifest through you and clean all the emotional poison that exists within you."  

On not taking anything personally ... 

Gracious!  None of us has to walk very far out our front door to find someone who is easily offended.  The first person you find might even be you!

Don Miguel said, "Nothing other people do is because of you.  It is because of themselves ... whatever they feel and do is just a projection of their own personal dream, a reflection of their past agreements. 

What you say, what you do, and the opinions you have are according to the agreements you have made - and these opinions have nothing to do with me ... I know it is your problem and not my problem.  It is the way you see the world.  It is nothing personal, because you are dealing with yourself, not me. 

Others are going to have their own opinion according to their belief system, so nothing they think about me is really about me, but it is about them.  You may even tell me, "Miguel, what you are saying is hurting me." But it is not what I am saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said.  You are hurting yourself ... Then if you get mad at me, I know you are dealing with yourself. 

I am the excuse for you to get mad. 

And you get mad because you are afraid, because you are dealing with fear.  If you are not afraid, there is no way that you will get mad at me.  If you are not afraid, there is no way that you will get jealous or sad.  If you live without fear, if you love, there is no place for any of these emotions. 

When you feel good, everything around you is good.  When everything around you is great, everything makes you happy.  You are loving everything that is around you, because you are loving yourself.  Because you like the way you are.  Because you are content with you.  Because you are happy with your life ...

Don't take anything personally." 

As you make a habit of not taking anything personally, you won't need to place your trust in what others do or say.  You will only need to trust yourself to make responsible choices.  You are never responsible for the actions of others; you are only responsible for you ...

You can say "I love you" without fear of being ridiculed or rejected.  You can ask for what you need.  You can say yes, or you can say no - whatever you choose - without guilt or self-judgment.  You can choose to follow your heart always. 

On not making assumptions ... 

This was a big one for me, the Queen of magic thinkers.  I had learned to be pretty intuitive as a child.  I learned how to watch people because it was important to know if Dad was in a good mood or a bad mood.  That skill carried over into other relationships.  My friends and family began to trust my "intuition" as much as I did, but no one can know everything about everybody 100% of the time.  PERIOD. 

Looking ahead for clues made me feel like I was in control of my life but I wasn't in control of anything, even myself!  I couldn't see that I was robbing myself of the opportunity to just live life and let life unfold the way it is going to unfold.  Instead of trying to guess what was ahead ALL THE TIME, I needed to quit jumping to confusions and just learn from the experience.

I was sick of the chaos when I read this:

We have the tendency to make assumptions about everything.  The problem with making assumptions is that we BELIEVE they are truth.  We could swear they are real. 

We make assumptions about what others are doing or thinking - we take it personally - then we blame them and react by sending emotional poison with our word.  That is why whenever we make assumptions, we are asking for problems.  We make assumptions, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing ...

We only see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear.  We don't perceive things the way they are ... when the truth comes out, we find out it was not what we thought at all ...

Making assumptions in our relationships is really asking for problems.  Often we make the assumption that our partners know what we think and that we don't have to say what we want ... Making assumptions in relationships leads to a lot of fights, a lot of difficulties, a lot of misunderstanding with people we supposedly love ... when we believe in something we assume we are right about it to the point that we will destroy relationships in order to defend our position. 

We make the assumption that everyone sees life the way we do. 

We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge ...  This is the biggest assumption that humans make.  And this is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others.  Because we think everyone else will judge us, victimize us, abuse us and blame us as we do ourselves.  So even before others have a chance to reject us, we have already rejected ourselves. 

This is the way the human mind works ... Often when you go into a relationship with someone you like, you have to justify why you like that person.  You only see what you want to see and you deny there are things you don't like about that person ...

Your love will not change anybody. 

If others change, it's because they want to change, not because you can change them.  Then something happens between the two of you, and you get hurt.  Suddenly you see what you didn't want to see before, only now it is amplified by your emotional poison.  Now you have to justify your emotional pain and blame them for your choices ...

REAL LOVE IS ACCEPTING OTHER PEOPLE THE WAY THEY ARE WITHOUT TRYING TO CHANGE THEM. 

If we try to change them, this means we don't really like them ... If others feel they have to change you, that means they really don't love you just the way you are.  So why be with someone if you're not the way he or she wants you to be? ...

Not making assumptions changed my life!  There is real freedom inasking myself, "Are you sure?"  "Do you have all the facts?"  "Does this really matter?"  "Is this any of my business?".

There is a lot of drama in people thinking they know "the truth", but which "book of truth" are they quoting from?  Next time you have a chance to witness an argument, watch and see if both people aren't telling the other person what they think!  No wonder they are both mad!  Neither one feels like they are being heard or understood!   

ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST!

Don Miguel said that when we are doing our best, we are going to live our life intensely:

You are going to be productive, you are going to be good to yourself, because you will be giving yourself to your family, to your community, to everything.  But it is the action that is going to make you feel intensely happy.  When you always do your best, you take action.  Doing your best is taking the action because you love it, not because you're expecting a reward ... If we like what we do, if we always do our best, then we are really enjoying life. 

We are having fun, we don't get bored, we don't have frustrations ... DOING YOUR BEST REALLY DOESN'T FEEL LIKE WORK BECAUSE YOU ENJOY WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING ... Action is about living fully. 

Inaction is the way that we deny life.  Inaction is sitting in front of the television every day for years because you are afraid to be alive and to take the risk of expressing what you are. 

Expressing what you are is taking action.  YOU CAN HAVE MANY GREAT IDEAS IN YOUR HEAD, BUT WHAT MAKES THE DIFFERENCE IS ACTION.  WITHOUT ACTION UPON AN IDEA, THERE WILL BE NO MANIFESTATION, NO RESULTS AND NO REWARD ... 

God is life.  God is life in action.  The best way to say, I love you God", is to live your life doing your best.  The best way to say, "Thank You God," is by letting go of the past and living in the present moment, right here and right now. 

Whatever life takes away from you, let it go. 

When you surrender and let go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive in the moment.  Letting go of the past means you can enjoy the dream that is happening right now ... There is no time to miss anyone or anything because you are alive. 

Not enjoying what is happening right now is living in the past and being only half alive.  This leads to self-pity, suffering and tears. 

You were born with the right to be happy.  You were born with the right to love, to enjoy and to share your love.  You are alive, so take your life and enjoy it.  Don't resist life passing through you. 

Just your existence proves the existence of God.  Your existence prove the existence of life and energy ... We don't need to know or prove anything.  Just to be, to take a risk and enjoy life, is all that matters. 

Say no when you want to say no, and yes when you want to say yes.  You have the right to be you. 

You can only be you when you do your best ... By doing your best, the habits of misusing your word, taking things personally, and making assumptions will become weaker and less frequent with time.  You don't need to judge yourself, feel guilty, or punish yourself if you can't keep these agreements ... If you do your best in the search for personal freedom, in the search for self-love, you will discover that it's just a matter of time before you find what you are looking for.  

Powerful!  I understand more about myself every time I return to this book.  I am sharing it with you but it is your choice what to do with it.  Over my lifetime, I have accepted other agreements about me, my life, my family, and the world and not all of them were kind to me, my life, my family and the world.  Some of those ideas held me back and opened me up to abusing myself or accepting abuse form others.

I was a victim.  I abused myself by criticizing myself.  I abused myself when I thought I didn't do something good enough.  I abused myself when I made mistakes.  Because I was saying negative things to myself, I allowed other people to say the same things to me because deep down, I already thought those things were true.  They weren't true.  I did dumb things but I am NOT a dumb person.  I made mistakes but I am NOT a mistake.  I needed to forgive myself for getting me into some of those messes and then relegate those messes in the past where they belong. 

Bad things could have happened a year ago or ten years ago but they are in the past.  The only way they can hurt me now is if I bring them back.  Some things hurt like heck a year ago but it doesn't have to come back and hurt me 30 seconds ago!  There is no good that will come out of keeping that pain alive. 

If I can forgive me, I can apply the same forgiveness to the people who might have hurt me.  Using the Four Agreements, I can accept that what they did at the time was more about them than it was about me.  I can't make any assumption about what they did or why they did it because I do not know, and even if I asked that person, they may not know either.  Anger, Jealousy, Rage all come from fear ... and the ones who hurt us may not know or be ready to know why they hurt us because they are still so busy hurting themselves.  Doing our best means having compassion for ourselves, and the ones around us.  

If I keep my speech impeccable, if I don't take anything personally, if I don't make assumptions, and if I do my best every day for all the days of my life, that is all that I can do. 

If others choose to do the same thing, that is their choice.  If others choose not to do the same thing, that is also their choice. 

I can only do what I can do to make my life a better place for me. 

 

Tags: The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz

Addicted To Love? Take The Test!

 

 

Love Addiction?

Real love is not addiction nor is addiction love. Yet, because of the human condition, these two experiences seem to come together and result in the incredible pain and suffering we are witness to or experience directly. We are drawn to the chemical highs love, sex and romance produce. The neurochemistry of love can become a drug as difficult to give up as alcohol or cocaine. Words we often associate with addiction include obsessive, excessive, destructive, compulsive, habitual, attached, and dependent. And when you think about it, some of these words are also used to talk about love. And the similarities do not stop there.

The love addict may understand intellectually that their behavior is self destructive, but physically and emotionally they are drawn into it over and over again. The number and variety of out of control behaviors when love is withdrawn are becoming legion in the daily news: 
        “Young woman ends abusive love relationship and is brutally murdered.” 
        “CEO charged with sexual harassment.” 
        “Coach sued for child support by a former lover.” 
        “Domestic abuse charges filed by wife of a professional sports star.” 
        “Public official caught in scandalous affair.”
How is it that we are simultaneously seeking wellness and love but descending into a well of violence and obsession?



What is love addiction?

Love addiction is any unhealthy attachment to people, euphoria, romance or sex in an attempt to get needs met. Psychologically, love addiction is a reliance on someone external to the self in an attempt to heal past trauma, get unmet needs fulfilled, avoid fear or emotional pain, solve problems, fill our loneliness and maintain balance. The paradox is that love addiction is an attempt to gain control of our lives, and in so doing; we go out of control by giving personal power to someone outside ourselves. Addictive love is an attempt to satisfy our developmental hunger for security, sensation, power, belonging, and meaning. Love addiction is very often associated with feelings of “never having enough” or “not being enough.” None of us got everything we needed in just the way we needed it in our developmental history. We literally walk around with holes in our psyche and look for others to fill those holes.

No matter how it plays out, we unconsciously look to others to “fix” our fear, pain, and discomfort and tolerate or inflict abusive behaviors in the process. We use and abuse. This other can be any important person in our life that we unconsciously hook up with: a child, a parent, a friend, a boss, a spouse, and a lover. Or, as in romance or sexual compulsion, it can be someone we don't even know personally. In sex addiction it can be a pornographic image. It can be as mild as a codependent relationship or as lethal as a fatal attraction.

Why love addiction is so common

At the base of love addiction is a violation of trust. We have all had them in some form or another. Because of the betrayal of trust we both want and yet fear closeness. Our fear is both biological and psychological and runs deep. Since we are meant to be in relationship we have no choice but to figure out a way to be involved with others. Love addiction is the answer. It is quite clever and often gets passed off as the real thing. Sometimes you have to look very closely to notice the difference. But we really do know in our hearts and in our soul’s when we have been fooled, are fooling our self or just plain fooling around.

We do not become love addicts living in a vacuum. We live in a culture of image and ownership. We are measured by how good we look, how much we have, and if we have someone by our side that supports a good image. We have, sadly, been groomed to look outside ourselves for happiness and love. Our obsession with love pervades every aspect of popular culture from romance novels to rock and pop song lyrics, and even great works of fiction, poetry, drama and art. Our culture idealizes, dramatizes, and models a dependency that says we cannot live without another person, sex or romance. We become dependent almost unconsciously.



Three Types Of Love Addiction:
Love, Romance and Sex Addiction


Love Addiction

Love Addiction is nothing but a misguided dependency on others in an attempt to fulfill unmet developmental needs. We often choose people similar to those in the past who did not meet our needs hoping this time we will end up satisfied. But because they are similar or we view them as similar, we end up feeling dissatisfied once more. A key element in identifying dependent love is how we feel when the person disapproves of us, disagrees with us, moves away from us, or threatens us. An escalation of behaviors occurs when the love object threatens to leave us psychologically or physically. Dependent love is always self-serving. It survives on psychological myths:
        “I will take care of your fears and inadequacies so you will

                take care of mine.”
        “If you fail me, I will do whatever it takes to keep you around.”
        “But since I do not know how to be intimate or fear intimacy,

                I will allow only so much closeness or push you away.”
On a psychological level love addiction makes perfect sense. Our attractions are psychological. If I believe men are never there when you need them most, I will find them. If I need a woman who won't support me, I will find her. Dependent love addicts fear abandonment or betrayal. The most important thing is to be in a relationship or on the edge of a relationship. They often hang onto abusive relationships for fear of being alone. They may or may not have romantic or sexual feeling for the object of their attention and drama substitutes for intimacy. Quiz yourself.


Love Addiction Screening Test
        By Brenda Schaeffer

1. Do you ever feel as though you take care of others even though it hurts you?
2. Are you afraid or hesitant to talk about problems in your relationship?
3. When you do discuss problems, do you seem to get nowhere?
4. Do you feel like you are growing or want to grow and the relationship is not?
5. Do you say yes when you want to say no?
6. Do you rationalize away the things you don't like in your relationship?
7. Do you ever feel like you both want and don't want to be in the relationship?
8. Have you ever thought of leaving the relationship and been too afraid?
9. Do you or the other person every get close and then pull back?
10. Do you experience holding out in your relationship?
11. Does how the other person in the relationship feel change your mood or self-esteem?
12. Does the person’s behavior change your self-esteem or mood?
13. Do you enable, persecute or feel like a victim?
14. Do you struggle for power or control?
15. Do you try to change the other person or the other person try to change you?
16. Do you wonder what a healthy relationship is?
17. Do you have any negative thoughts about men/women, relationships?
18. Do you disregard your values to please someone?
19. Do you fear risk, change or the unknown?
20. Do you experience repeated negative feelings?
21. Do you suffer from separation or disapproval anxiety?
22. Do you let abusive people remain in your life?
23. Do you fear being alone?
24. Areyour boundaries weak or rigid?
25. Do you expect or demand unconditional love?
26. Do you or those you are attracted to abuse or refuse commitment?
27. Do you fail to stop others from violating your boundaries?
28. Do you adapt to others to keep them around?
29. Do you look to others to fulfill you?
30. Do you become intimate before you have established trust?

Check yes or no to the above. Any yes answer indicates some degree of unhealthy dependency or addiction. But, please, let go of blame or guilt. Love addiction seems to be a fact of life. Most, if not all, relationships give evidence of some of these signs. And there is both healthy and unhealthy dependency.



Romance Addiction

Romance Addiction refers to those experiences when the object of love is also a romantic object. This object/person can be a romantic partner or live only in the love addict’s fantasies. The “fix” may be an elaborate fantasy life not unlike the story line of a romance novel, or the euphoria of a new romance. In either case, the rush of intoxicating feelings experienced during the attraction stage of a romance is the drug that can become a substitute for real intimacy. The pursuit of this high can become an addiction in itself. Often, it becomes a dramatic obsession that results in the stalking of the romantic love object by the obsessed person. The love addict seeks total immersion in the romantic relationship, real or imagined. Since the romance-driven high is dependent on the newness of the relationship or the presence of a person, romance addiction is often filled with victim/persecutor melodrama and sadomasochism. Bizarre acting-out behaviors are often a by-product of romance addiction. When the euphoria of new love wanes, the romance addict often moves on looking for a new romantic encounter with its high or obsessions. Quiz yourself.

Romance Addiction Screening Test
        By Brenda Schaeffer

1. Are you easily in love with being in love?
2. Do you like melodrama: being a rescued victim or the hero?
3. Are longing and melancholy familiar to you?
4. Do you gravitate to romance novels or movies?
5. Is being wanted extremely important to you?
6. Is the attraction phase of a relationship what matters most?
7. Do you live in a future of perfected love?
8. Do you look for love?
9. Are your fantasy outcomes often disappointing?
10. Is there a familiar pattern in your selection of partners?
11. Do you get high on the rush of intoxicating feelings?
12. Do you self medicate with relationships?
13. Do you compromise your values when in love?
14. Is heartbreak familiar?
15. Is your choice of music romantic, dramatic or euphoric?
16. Do you wander off mentally or physically when the romantic high wears off?
17. Do you have long distance affairs or affairs with the unavailable?
18. Do you have unrealistic expectations of the love object?
19. Do you feel anxiety when the romantic object is absent?
20. Do you suffer withdrawal symptoms when the romantic object is not there?
21. Do you suffer from depression related to your romantic affairs?
22. Do you obsess about love or the love object?
23. Do you chase the illusion?
24. Do you fantasize about those you are not in a relationship with?
25. Do you find romanticizing soothes you?
26. Are you lured by intermittent reinforcement (periodic attention)?
27. Have you ever stalked the love object or called to check up on the love object?
28. Does your romanticizing interfere with other areas of your life: family, children, work, spiritual, relational, financial?
29. Do your friends ever confront you on your romantic encounters?
30. Do you like living on the edge of perfected love?
31. Do you escape through rich fantasy life?
32. Do you crave ecstasy feelings?

Check yes or no to the above. These are signs of romance addiction. 12 or more affirmative answers indicate that romance is being used like a drug of choice and may be an addiction. Remember that romance can be a delightful part of our love relationships and bring out the best in us. It is when we have become over identified with this experience that it hurts a person.



Sex Addiction

Sexual addiction is a sickness involving any type of uncontrollable sexual activity that results in negative consequences. When obsessive-compulsive sexual behavior is left unattended, it causes distress and despair for the individual and his or her partner and family. Denial causes the sexual addict to distort reality, ignore the problem, blame others, and give numerous justifications for his or her out-of-control behavior. The addiction progresses until sex becomes the essential need, more important than family, work, or spiritual integrity.

Dependent love may or may not include a romantic or sexual component. When the object of love is, or has been, the romantic and sexual partner, the stakes run high. When a person’s object of dependent love is also the object of his or her romantic and sexual desires, he or she will experience intense behaviors when the object of love withdraws or threatens to withdraw. Quiz yourself.


Sexual Addiction Screening Test *

1. Were you sexually abused as a child or adolescent?
2. Have you regularly subscribed to or regularly purchased sexually explicit materials?
3. Did either of your parents have trouble with sexual behavior (repress or act inappropriate)?
4. Do you often find yourself being preoccupied with sexual thoughts?
5. Do you (ever) feel that your sexual behavior is inappropriate?
6. Does your spouse or significant other ever worry or complain about your sexual behavior?
7. Do you have trouble stopping your sexual behavior when you know it is inappropriate?
8. Do you ever feel bad (shameful or guilty) about your sexual behavior (and then rationalize it)?
9. Has your sexual behavior ever created problems for youor your family (physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, spiritually)?
10. Have you ever sought help for sexual behavior you did not like or caused problems?
11. Have you ever worried about people finding out about your sexual activities?
12. Has anyone (ever) been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior?
13. Are any of your sexual activities against the law?
14. Have you made promises to yourself to quit some aspect of your sexual behavior?
15. Have you made efforts to quit a type of sexual behavior and failed?
16. Do you hide (or have you ever hidden) some aspects of your sexual behavior from others?
17. Does your sexual behavior put you at odds with your personal or spiritual values/integrity?
18. Have you ever felt degraded by your sexual behavior or affair?
19. Has sex been a way for you to escape your problems (or self medicate)?
20. When you have sex, (that you question), do you often feel depressed afterward?
21. Have you felt (or do you now feel) the need to discontinue a certain form of sexual activity?
22. Has your sexual activity interfered with your family life?
23. Have you been sexual with minors (or vulnerable adults)?
24. Do you often feel controlled by your sexual desire?
25. Do you frequent pornographic web sites or chat rooms?
26. Do you tend to sexualize others?
27. Do you rationalize your sexual behavior?

Check yes or no to the above. Affirmative answers to 12 or more questions strongly suggest that sex is being used like a drug of choice and may be an addiction.

        * Based on the SAST by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., with some adaptations.


Most, if not all relationships have elements of unhealthy dependency as well as healthy interdependency. Therefore, we must learn what is love and what is addiction and build on the best aspects of our love life. Why get out of love addiction? The biggest reason is that it limits and stunts our growth as a human and spiritual being.


Seven steps to getting out of love addiction:

1. Believe that healthy love is possible.
2. Be willing to assess your love life honestly.
3. Accept that the only person you can change is you.
4. Connect the unhealthy aspects of your love life with your inner beliefs and past trauma.
5. Change your beliefs to those that encourage healthy love.
6. Let go of fear.
7. Experience yourself as unconditional love and live it.

Post Script: if you need help…do yourself a favor and get it!

 

In summary, obsessive, dependent, erotic love often is a misplaced attempt to achieve that fusion we so deeply desire. We want to end the feelings of isolation caused by our learned restraints against true intimacy. Aroused by the experience of love, one often is willing to suspend those restraints in order to merge with another. If the merger is dependent and immature, the result is love addiction. Life energy is directed on the pursuit of gratification rather than growth. If mature, the love will grow and expand. Without agape, universal love of others, it remains narcissistic.

Sex, love and romance are delightful aspects of our humanity. Some of the most powerful experiences relate to the meaning and beauty of love, sex and romance. They can be a sacred form of connecting or they can be an egoist’s attempt at self-fulfillment.  It is the challenge of the day, is it not?


For more information about Love, Romance and Sex Addiction or the two books, Is It Love Or Is It Addiction? and Love's Way, you can contact: brenda@brendaschaeffer.com

Tags:

I Had A Thinking Problem or Are You An Addictive Thinker?

 

I always thought everyone thought like me.  It never even occurred to me that there was another way!  I didn't know that there was a healthier way.  As I read the list the first time, I let myself think of examples of things I had talked myself into or out of ...

Addictive Thinking
by Abraham J. Twerski, M.D.

 

Many of the features of addictive thinking can be seen in co-dependents as well as addicts because they stem from a similar origin: low self-esteem.  

 

The self-deceptive features of addictive thinking and co-dependency have much in common.  In both, there are often denial, rationalization, and projection.  In both, contradictory ideas can coexist, and there is fierce resistance to change oneself and a desire to change others.  In both, there is a delusion of control, and in both there is, invariably, low self-esteem.  Thus, all the features of addictive thinking are present in both, and the only distinguishing feature may be the chemical use.  

 

There was laughter when a man suggested that alcoholic thinking is every bit as destructive as alcoholic drinking.  To illustrate, the man read the questions from a self-test for alcoholism, substituting the word THINKING for the word DRINKING.  Here is what we read:                

 

Are You an Addictive Thinker?

 

1.        Do you lose time from work due to thinking?
2.        Is thinking making your home life unhappy?
3.        Have you ever felt remorse after thinking?
4.        Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of thinking?
5.        Does your thinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
6.        Has your ambition decreased since thinking?
7.        Does thinking cause you to have difficulty sleeping?
8.        Has your efficiency decreased since thinking?
9.        Is thinking jeopardizing your job or business?
10.      Do you think to escape worries or troubles?

 

The point is that even in the absence of chemicals, distorted, addictive thinking wreaks havoc. 

 

Many addictive thinkers come to their conclusions because they reverse ordinary cause and effect.  Although addictive thinkers turn logic around, they are absolutely convinced that their logic is valid.  They not only resist rational arguments to the contrary, but also they cannot understand why others do not see the "obvious".   An example is: The fact that chemicals usually cause the problems, but the addicted person believes that problems cause chemical use.  

 

The peculiarity of addictive thinking, he says, is the inability to reason with oneself.  This can apply to various emotional and behavioral problems, but is invariably found in addiction: alcoholism, other drug addiction, compulsive gambling, sexual addiction, eating disorders, nicotine addiction, and co-dependency.    

 

The three most common elements in addictive thinking are:

1.     Denial
  
The addicted person finds accepting the diagnosis of addiction every bit as devastating as accepting a diagnosis of cancer.    

 

2.     Rationalization
  
Rationalization means providing "good" reasons instead of the true reason.  Like denial, this defense is not exclusive to chemically dependent people, though addicts can be very adept at it.   Rationalization also preserves the status quo, making the addict feel it is acceptable not to make necessary changes.  This characteristic of addictive thinking can operate long after an addict overcomes denial and becomes abstinent.    

 

3.     Projection
  
Projection means placing the blame on others for things we are really responsible for ourselves.              
       1.        It reinforces denial.            
       2.        It helps preserve the status quo.  
Blaming someone else seems to relieve an addict from the responsibility of making changes: "As long as you do this to me, you cannot expect me to change."  Since the others are not likely to change, the drinking and the other drug use can continue.  

 

Denial, Rationalization and Projection are all subconscious acts.   These three major elements of addictive thinking - denial, rationalization, and projection - must be addressed at every stage of recovery.  

 

In recovery, an addict's perceptions undergo a gradual change.  With the help of counseling and working the Twelve-Step program, addicts become less self-centered and less exquisitely sensitive.  As sobriety progresses, self-esteem improves and they no longer interpret everything as personal, as belittling.  They begin to take responsibility for their actions and stop blaming others.  Things that used to provoke anger and rage no longer do so.    

 

Every aspect of recovery is subject to growth.  Accepting life on it's own terms, accepting powerlessness, surrendering to a Higher Power, taking and sharing a moral inventory, making amends ... all those things take place gradually.

Stinking Thinking

by Robert Burney M.A.

The "stinking thinking" of Co-dependency causes us to have
a dysfunctional relationship with ourselves and others.
These are some traits of that stinking thinking: 

1. Black and White Thinking: 

The disease comes from an absolute black and white, right/wrong, always and never perspective.  "I will always be alone."  "I never get a break."  Any negative thing that happens gets turned into a sweeping generality.

2. Negative Focus: 

The disease always wants to focus on the half of the glass that is empty and lament, rather than be grateful for what we have.  Even if the glass is 7/8 ths full the disease can find some negative to focus on. (On the other extreme are some people who focus only on the good as a way of denying their feelings.)

3. Magical Thinking: 

Mind reading, fortune telling, assuming - we think we can read other peoples minds and feelings, or foretell the future, and then act as if what we assume is the reality.  We often create self-fulfilling prophecies this way.

4. Starring in the Soap Opera: 

Blowing things out of proportion, playing the "King or Queen of tragedy."   Some of us are addicted to "Trauma Dramas"and want the excitement and intensity of dramatic scenes while others of us are terrified of conflict.  It is quite common in codependent relationships to have one person who is over-indulgent and dramatic emotionally coupled with someone who wants to avoid conflict and emotions at all costs.

5. Self-Discount: 

Inability to receive, or to admit to our own positivequalities or accomplishments. When someone gives us a compliment we minimize it ("Oh it was nothing"), make a joke out of it, or just ignore the compliment by changing the subject or turning the compliment back on the other person.

6. Emotional Reasoning: 

Reasoning from feelings.  "I feel like a failure therefore I am a failure."  Believing that what we feel is who we are without separating the inner child's feelings about what happened a long time ago from the adults feelings in the now.

7. Shoulds: 

"Shoulds," "must," "ought to," and "have to" come from a parent or authority figure.  "Should" means "I don't want to but they are making me."  Adults don't have shoulds - adults have choices.

8.  Self-Labeling: 

Identifying with our shortcomings and mistakes, with our human imperfection, and calling our self names like "stupid," "loser," "jerk," or "fool" instead of accepting our humanity and learning from any mistakes or shortcomings.

9.  Personalizing and Blame: 

Blaming yourself for something you weren't entirely responsible for, or for how someone else feels.  Conversely, you may blame other people, external events, or fate, while overlooking how your own attitudes and behavior may have contributed to a problem. 

 Codependent Stinking Thinking + The Rules for Being Human + Risking





Even today, I have to be mindful of the way I think.
Just because an idea pops into my head doesn't mean it's true!
It could just as easily be
one of those random wacky thoughts that just appear.
Who knows where they come from? Maybe something I overheard, a movie I watched, a book I read ...
We are bombarded with over 6,000 messages everyday.
Not every single thing that comes to my mind is worth my attention!

I had to give myself permission to think in a new way:

As a Person I have the Right to:Be myself. Refuse requests without feeling guilty. Be competent and be proud of my accomplishments. Feel and express anger. Ask for affection and help (may be turned down, but can ask.) Be treated as a capable adult. Be illogical in making decisions. Make mistakes - and be responsible for them. Change my mind. Say, "I don't know." Say, "I don't agree." Say, "I don't care." Offer no reasons or excuses for justifying my behavior. Have my opinions be given respect. Have my needs be as important as the needs of others. Tell someone what my needs are (they may not care to do anything about it.) Evaluate my own behavior, thoughts, and emotions and be responsible for their initiation and the consequences upon myself. Take pride in my body and define attractiveness in my own terms. Grow, learn, change - value my age and experience. And sometimes to make demands on others. Codependent twisted thinking, I have the right to, One Day at a Time

 




In spite of our best intentions,
"stinking thinking" doesn't just disappear overnight.
It takes work to change old habits ...

Tomorrow, I'll share something that worked for me.

Tags: Addictive Thinking, Stinking Thinking, Abraham J. Twerski, Addiction

I Was Addicted To Love

I don't really know if you or anyone else is addicted to love.  

I know I was addicted to "love" or what I thought was "love". 

 

It took years and thousands of dollars in therapy for me to say that sentence!
 
I didn't get it.  In the beginning, I probably didn't want to get it.  On a good day, I felt like I was starring in my own romantic comedy ... you know the kind where the girl meets the bad boy and changes him into the man of her dreams ... but I didn't seek therapy for riding off into the sunset!

 

Some of you know my story.  For those of you who don't, I'll share the abbreviated version. 



Most of the men in my life had been bad boys.  All of those relationships started off with the stars realigning to form a perfect heart for us to walk through ... Okay, I'm exaggerating, but you get my point ... When I fell for a guy, my path was magically lined with roses.  My heart would skip a beat when I heard their voice.  I would hang on their every word.  I could spend hours just getting lost in their eyes.  If there hand brushed against mine, I felt like I could feel their touch the rest of the day.  Everything about them was scrumptious.  I couldn't get or give enough.  It was better than drugs or alcohol!  It was in LO ... er, I mean ... ADDICTION.

 

It was exciting.  It was dramatic.  It had all the good girl-bad boy dynamics.  It was a roller coaster ride with spine tingling highs and gut wrenching lows. 

 

For me, every one of those addictive relationships ended with just as much drama and intrigue. 

The boys were bad boys.  Duh!  Bad boys don't have traditional standards.  Bad boys do whatever they want to do.  Bad boys can drink, smoke, do drugs, gamble and cheat on you, and sometimes, they can do all that before the rest of the world has finished breakfast!

I had to be honest with myself.  I liked the excitement.  I liked the idea of being able to tame a wild horse.  I thought I was up for the challenge!  I got thrown every single time.  I got hurt.  I didn't ever tame a single one.

 

The last time was the worst time.  For the sake of this conversation, I will call him Aydan (not his real name).  I ignored all the signs that the relationship was ending and hung on tight.  He was saying one thing one minute and something else the next.  I decided Aydan was just confused and needed my help. 

I drove over to his house, determined to do my best.  The conversation went pretty well until the phone rang.  Aydan didn't answer the phone, but his whole demeanor changed.  He seemed anxious and distracted.  He tried to provoke an argument, but I was determined NOT to argue or let the conversation end on a bad note. 

Aydan had his own ideas.  Aydan got up and went to the other room.  I thought he went to get a beer, maybe go to the bathroom ... I was wrong.  I heard the shotgun being cocked before he walked through the door.  His face was red, almost purple and his eyes were dark. 

 

I looked down. 

 

Aydan was hollering but I have no idea to this day what he was saying ... I was lost in my own thoughts.  I thought of my family, my kids ... I thought I was going to die. 

I started praying, "Lord, I just ask You to surround this place with a legion of angels.  I ask that You cover us and this house with the blood of Jesus and keep us safe.  Thank You Lord for the peace of Your Holy Spirit.  In Jesus name, Amen."  It felt so good, I kept on praying.  I figured if I was going to die anyway, I may as well be speaking to the next One I'd see!

 

Aydan back off ... I believe he backed off because God answered my prayer.  I believe that even the worst storms end.  Thank you Lord!

 

I ran.  I got away.  I stayed away.

 

But even after all that, I still hoped ... I didn't understand why my feelings were still so strong.  My world was spinning out of control and I couldn't find my balance.  I was going through major withdrawal!  I made excuses for him.  I tried to explain away his actions.  I kept wishing I could turn back time.  I curled up in a little ball and listened to "co-dependent no one will ever love you like I love you love songs".  I spent hours and hours, obsessively writing pages and pages of things I wished for ... I kept running over the relationship in my mind, looking for clues of why things got so bad.  I made myself miserable contemplating questions that had no answers! 

THERE WERE TOO MANY OBSESSIVE, CO-DEPENDENT, ROSE-COLORED THOUGHTS TO LIST ...

 

Why was I still hoping for a fairy tale ending?

 

Why was I even wishing for some sort of resolution?

 

Why was I willing to let him off the hook?

 

Why couldn't I just face the fact that there are bad people in this world?

 

That kind of thinking was sending me down the wrong road.  It might have been good for me to get those feelings out, but it was also dangerously close to the same thing that a drug addict does when they talk about their first high!  It isn't anything but ... 

Addictive Thinking!

I remember thinking, "Maybe, I just misunderstood?"

 

From a stronger part of myself, a single thought rose up, "What is wrong with you, Taylor?  It is kind of hard to misinterpret a loaded shotgun pointed right at your head!  Wake up!"

 

Just like an addict, I was looking for a "fix", or maybe, it's more correct to say, "a way to fix everything"!

 

That's what being co-dependent is all about.  Co-dependents learn early to live the lie that if we just be a little better, if we just try a little harder, then everything will be okay and we will get the love we are missing. 

Aydan had so much anger and a need to release it.  I had an equal need to try to convert his anger, his crimes, his punishment into the love and acceptance I wanted so badly.  Some of us waste whole lifetimes trying to be good enough for someone to love us. 

Of course, Aydan was abusive before that last day.  He called me names and criticized me constantly.  I hated it when he pushed me or slapped me but I always found a way to make his bad behavior tolerable.  I didn't know that abuse has a cycle.  I hoped it would get better.  I didn't know that abuse always gets worse. 

 

The gun was the last straw.  From the moment Aydan walked into the room with a gun, something inside me snapped.

 

Guns are NOT negotiable.

 

Before that, I had bought into all the lies ... the lie that he couldn't help himself ... the lie that his past was stopping him from having the kind of life everyone else has ... the lie that I needed to understand ... the lie that I could make things better ... All those lies are nothing but ...

 

Addictive Thinking!

 

I woke up!  It was like I was seeing Aydan for the first time.  Of course, I saw his anger.  It was all over the place!

 

BUT look what it took to wake me up!

That experience changed the way I looked at myself and when the view of my self changed, everything changed!  I was determined to fight back because no matter how bad things had gotten, I had survived.  I was alive!  I had lived through the worst day of my life.  After all that, I couldn't go anywhere but up! 

 

I had to take ownership of my own path.  I had to accept responsibility for my part in the nonsense in my life.  There was a little girl inside me that wanted someone to make up for all the hurt I felt as a little girl.  None of those "Bad boys" wanted to take care of my needs!  I was only valuable to any of them as long as I took care of their needs.  The minute I showed any need at all, I immediately diminished in value to them. 

I had to stand on my own two feet and find my own value.  I had to forgive myself.  I even learned to forgive the ones who had hurt me, because that is the only way I could truly be free to grow past them.

 

Addictive Thinking ALMOST Got The Best Of Me! 

 

That is what ADDICTION looks like ...  but ... That is what RECOVERY looks like too!  Addiction only felt like REAL LOVE because it's the closest I had ever been to love!  But Addiction is NOT LOVE.  Addiction takes away from our lives.  LOVE adds to our lives.

 

Getting over addiction of any kind is not easy.  I was like any other addict.  Addicts don't want to give up what we've got or what we think we have got.  We deny the negative effects of our addiction on our lives and the lives of our families and friends.  We minimize and justify our wacky ideas about TRUE LOVE, but deep down, we know we are missing the boat.

 

In the beginning of recovery, I asked my therapist, "I hear what you are telling me about the difference between addiction and love, but if this isn't real love, why does it hurt so much?"

 

He just smiled and said,   

 

Addiction is REAL!  It does HURT!  It hurts to be an addict and it hurts to stop being an addict ... but it's worth it.

 

He was right.  It was worth it. 

 

Healing didn't happen in a straight line.  Recovery is messy business.  It calls up every thing in our lives and requires that we take a long, hard look at ourselves.  It wasn't always easy for me to look in the mirror.  I didn't always like what I saw.  There were breakthrough moments!  There were epiphanies!  I loved those moments of accomplishment, but I learned to welcome the lows too because they are part of the process.  It is the natural rhythm of things.  We don't have to fear one moment.  We can embrace and welcome each moment and every mood.  There is beauty in it all. 

 

I had to make changes in the way I look at myself and the rest of the world to survive.  I couldn't keep the idea that there is good in EVERYBODY because that's just not true.  I couldn't keep the idea that if I tried a little harder and worked a little more, everything would magically turn out okay, because sometimes, in spite of our very best efforts, things don't turn out okay.  It hurt to give up that idealistic view of the world, but the seasoned view I have now is not so bad.

 

Tomorrow, I will talk about addictive thinking in a less personal way ... If you see yourself or someone you care about in my story, the next post might be helpful ...

Is It Love Or Are You Addicted To Love?

One of the toughest things for me to understand was that some of the things I called "love" weren't really "love" at all, but addictive behaviors.  I think I was more in love with being in love than the actual person ... It took me a while to see that I wasn't attached to any of them as much as I was attached to "the idea of them".  Melody Beattie (author of Co-Dependent No More) explained the difference between love and addiction way better than I can:



The Difference Between Love & Addiction  

Love                               
Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Addiction
Dependent, based on security and comfort; use intensity of need and infatuation as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness).  

Love 
Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Addiction
Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.  

Love
Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in their own worth.
Addiction
Preoccupation with other's behavior; dependent on other's approval for own identity and self worth.  

Love
Trust; Openness.
Addiction
Jealousy, possessiveness, fears, competition.  

Love
Mutual integrity preserved.
Addiction
One partner's needs suspended for the other's; self-deprivation.  

Love
Willingness to risk and be real.
Addiction
Search for perfect invulnerability - eliminates possible risks.  

Love
Room for exploration of feelings in and of relationship.
Addiction                                                                   
Reassurance through repeated, ritualized activity.  

Love
Ability to enjoy being alone.
Addiction
Intolerance - unable to endure separations (even in conflict); hang on even tighter.  Undergo withdrawal - loss of appetite, restless, lethargic, disoriented agony.  

Breakups:


Love
Accept breakup without feeling a loss of own adequacy and self worth.
Addiction
Feel inadequate, worthless; often one-sided decision.  

Love
Wants best for partner, though apart; can become friends.
Addiction
Violent ending - often hate the other; try to inflict pain; manipulation to get the other back.

One-Sided Addiction  
Denial, fantasy; overestimation of other's commitment.  Seeks solutions outside self - drugs, alcohol, new lover, change of situation.



No wonder I was confused!  It helped to look at the differences because it gave me something concrete that I could work on.  One thing for sure ... I needed to stop living for everyone else and start living for me!  

Melody Beattie said that too: 

Live Your Own Life  

We may be in so much emotional distress we think we have no life;  all we are is our pain.  That's not true.  We are more than our problems.  We can be more than our problems.  

Just because life has been this painful so far
doesn't mean it has to keep hurting.
Life doesn't have to hurt so much,
and it won't - if we begin to change.
It may not be all roses from here on out,
but it doesn't have to be all thorns either.
We need to and can develop our own lives.  

We take into account our responsibilities to other people, because that is what responsible people do.  But we also know we count too.  We try to eliminate "shoulds" from our decisions and learn to trust ourselves.  If we listen to ourselves and our higher power, we will not be misled.  Giving ourselves what we need and learning to live self-directed lives requires faith.  We need enough faith to get on with our lives, and we need to do at least a little something each day to begin to move forward.

 

We can learn to trust ourselves again.  Most co-dependents have been "taking care" of everyone in their world for a long time.  Just stop.  Let everyone fend for themselves for a little bit and direct all that energy toward taking care of you.  It might feel a little awkward at first, but I promise it's worth it! 

I wish all of you could share the view I have now.  I love seeing women (and men, because men can be co-dependent too) discover how much they really have learned and how capable they really are.  It is truly beautiful to see people turn their energy inward, learning to take better care of themselves, trying out new boundaries for themselves and others, getting back in touch with themselves and their true feelings ...

Does that sound like a tall order?  Does that sound like an impossible dream?  It's not!  None of us changed ourselves and the way we lived all at once.  We recovered, one day at a time, one lesson at a time, one step at a time ...  

Think of all that energy you have spent on helping/changing/fixing everyone else and imagine what would happen if you changed one thing about yourself every day or even every other day for the next year ... How much better do you think you would feel a year from now?  Think about how good it would feel to feel better than you feel right now.  It's possible! 

We'll talk more tomorrow ...   

(excerpts from Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie)

Tags: Co-Dependent No More, Love Addiction, Addiction, Addictive Thinking

The Gift Of Light

Then ... I Was Beguiled
Caught Up
Entrapped & Ensnared
Alone & Afraid
Lost

BUT

 

Today is a new day and a better time
and best of all ...

I AM NO LONGER
beguiled,

caught up,
entrapped and ensnared,

alone and afraid
lost ...

I AM FREE
of those things that hampered me !!!

Tags: The Gift Of Light, Beguiled, Caught Up, Entrapped, Ensnared, Alone, Afraid, Lost

Melody Beattie Called It Un-Dependence

Ron introduced me to a new word yesterday - "inter-dependent" ... Melody Beattie uses the word UN-dependence in her book, Co-Dependent No More:



Un-dependence  

Whether co-dependents appear fragile and helpless, or sturdy and powerful, most of us are frightened, needy, vulnerable children who are aching and desperate to be loved and cared for.  

This child in us believes we are unlovable and will never find the comfort we are seeking; sometimes this vulnerable child becomes too desperate.  People have abandoned us, emotionally and physically.  People have rejected us.  People have believed us, let us down.  People have never been there for us; they have not seen, heard or responded to our needs.  We may come to believe that people will never be there for us.  For many of us, even God seems to have gone away.  

We have been there for so many people.  Most of us desperately want someone to finally be there for us.  We need someone, anyone, to rescue us from the stark loneliness, alienation, and pain.  We want some of the good stuff, and the good stuff is not in us.  Pain is in us.  We feel so helpless and uncertain.  Others look so powerful and assured.  We conclude the magic must be in them.  

So we become dependent on them.  We can become dependent on lovers, spouses, friends, parents, or our children.  We become dependent on their approval.  We become dependent on their presence.  We become dependent on their need for us.  We become dependent on their love, even though we believe we will never receive their love; we believe we are unlovable and nobody has ever loved us in a way that met our needs.  

Needing people too much can cause problems.  Other people become the key to our happiness.  I believe much of the other-centeredness, orbiting our livesaround other people, goes hand in hand with co-dependency and springs out of our emotional insecurity.  I believe much of this incessant approval seeking we indulge in also comes from insecurity.  The magic is in others, not us, we believe.  The good feelings are in them, not us.  The less good stuff we find in ourselves, the more we seek it in others.  They have it all; we have nothing.  Our existence is not important.  We have been abandoned and neglected so often that we also abandon ourselves.  

Sometimes, no human being could be there for us in the way we need them to be - to absorb us, care for us, and make us feel good, complete and safe.  

Many of us expect and need other people so much that we settle for too little.  We may become dependent on troubled people - alcoholics and other people with problems.  We can become dependent on people we don't particularly like or love.  Sometimes, we need people so badly we settle for nearly anyone.  We may need people who don't meet our needs. 

We may find ourselves in situations where we need someone to be there for us, but the person we have chosen cannot or will not do that.  

We may even convince ourselves that we can't live without someone and will wither and die if that person is not in our lives.  If that person is an alcoholic or deeply troubled, we may tolerate abuse and insanity to keep him or her in our lives, to protect our source of emotional security.  Our need becomes so great that we settle for too little.  Our expectations drop below normal, below what we ought to expect from our relationships.  

Imagine getting credit for the behaviors we ordinarily mortals do as a matter of course.  What is so lovable?  No response?  The answer doesn't come, but the power of being emotionally stuck is far greater than the power of reason.  

Ultimately, too much dependency on a person can kill love.  Relationships based on emotional insecurity and need, rather than love, can become self-destructive.  They don't work.  Too much need drives people away and smothers love.  It scares people away.  It attracts the wrong kind of people.  And our real needs don't get met.  Our real needs become greater and so does our despair.  We center our lives around this person, trying to protect our source of security and happiness.  We forfeit our lives to do this.  And we become angry at this person.  We are being controlled by him or her.  We are dependent on that person.  We ultimately become angry and resentful at what we are dependent on and controlled by, because we have given our personal power and rights to that person.  

There is no magic, easy, overnight way to become un-dependent. 

Here are some ideas that may help:

1. Finish up business from our childhoods, as best we can.  Grieve.  Get some perspective.  Figure out how events from our childhoods are effecting what we're doing now.
   ... Of course he had never been there for me.  He was an alcoholic.  We had never been there for anyone, including himself.  I also began to realize that underneath my sophisticated veneer, I felt unlovable.  Very unlovable.  Some where, hidden inside of me, I had maintained a fantasy that I had a loving father who was staying away from me - who was rejecting me - because I wasn't good enough.  There was something wrong with me.  Now I knew the truth.  It wasn't me that was unlovable.  It wasn't me that was screwed up, although I know I've got problems. It was him.
   
2. Nurture and cherish that frightened, vulnerable, needy child inside us.  The child may never completely disappear, no matter how self-sufficient we become.  Stress may cause the child to cry out.  Unprovoked, the child may come out and demand attention when we at least expect it.
   
3. Stop looking for happiness in other people.  Our source of happiness and well-being is not inside others; it's inside us.  Learn to center ourselves in ourselves.
   
4. We can learn to depend on ourselves.  Maybe other people haven't been there for us, but we can start being there for us.   We can trust ourselves.  We can handle and cope with the events, problems, and feelings life throws our way.  We can trust our feelings and our judgments.  We can solve our problems.  We can learn to live with unresolved problems, too.  We must trust the people we are learning to depend upon - ourselves.
   
5. We can depend on God, too.  He's there, and He cares.  Our spiritual beliefs can provide us with a strong sense of emotional security.  I can find comfort and security in knowing that God is always watching over my life.
   
6. Strive for un-dependence.  Begin examining the ways we are dependent, emotionally and financially, on the people around us.  

We can do it.  We don't have to feel strong all the time to be un-dependent and taking care of ourselves. 



We can and probably will have feelings of fear, weakness, and even hopelessness.  That is normal and even healthy.  Real power comes from feeling our feelings, not from ignoring them.  Real strength comes, not from pretending to be strong all the time, but from acknowledging our weaknesses and vulnerabilities when we feel this way.  

Many of us have dark nights.  Many of us have uncertainty, loneliness, and the pang of needs and wants that beg to be met and yet, go seemingly unnoticed.  Sometimes the way is foggy and slippery, and we have no hope.  All we can feel is fear.  All we can see is the dark.  

You can get through the dark situations, too.  You can take care of yourself and trust yourself.  Trust God.  Go as far as you can see, and by the time you get there, you'll be able to see farther. 

We can do anything we want to ... one day at a time.

Tags: Melody Beattie, Un-dependence