(excerpts from Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie)
Have a love affair with yourself!
This above all; to thine own self be true,
it must follow, as the night follows the day,
thou canst not then be false to any man.
- William Shakespeare
We co-dependents pick on ourselves endlessly, heaping piles of shoulds on our conscience and creating mounds of worthless, stinking guilt. Then, we shame ourselves. We don't like what do, and we don't like who we are. Fundamentally, we are not good enough.
In co-dependency, as in many other areas of life, everything is connected to everything, and one thing leads to another. In this case, our low self-worth is frequently connected to much of what we do or don't do, and it leads to many other problems.
As co-dependents, we frequently dislike ourselves so much that we believe it's wrong to put ourselves first. Often, we think we're only worth something if we do things for others or care take, so we never say no. We think we have to do something for people to get and keep their friendships. Much of the defensiveness I've seen in co-dependents comes not because we think we're above criticism, but because we have so little self-worth that any perceived attack threatens to annihilate us. We feel so bad about ourselves and have such a need to be perfect and avoid shame that we cannot allow anyone to tell us about something we have done wrong.
Who we are right now is okay. In fact, co-dependents are some of the most loving, generous, good hearted, and concerned people I know.
We've just allowed ourselves to be tricked into doing thingsthat hurt us, and we're going to learn how to stop doing those things. But those tricks are our problems; they are not us. If we have one character defect that is abhorrent, it is the way we pick on ourselves. We aren't second-class citizens. We don't deserve to lead secondhand lives. And we don't deserve second-best relationships!
We are lovable, and we are worth getting to know.
People who love and like us aren't stupid or inferior for doing that. We have a right to be happy. We deserve good things.
Stop the "shoulds". If we should be doing something, do it. If we're torturing ourselves, stop it. It gets easier. We can laugh at ourselves, tell ourselves we won't be tricked, give ourselves a hug, then go about the business of living as we choose. If we have real guilt, deal with it. God will forgive us. He knows we did our best, even if it was our worst. We don't have to punish ourselves by feeling guilty to prove to God or anyone else how much we care. We need to forgive ourselves. We need to stop shaming ourselves. Shame, like guilt, serves absolutely no purpose.
Start where we're at, and we will become more. Develop our gifts and talents. Trust ourselves. Assert ourselves. We can be trusted. Respect ourselves. Be true to ourselves. Honor ourselves, for that is where our magic lies. That is our key to the world.
Of all the judgments that we pass in life, none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves, for that judgment touches the very center of our existence.
Learn The Art Of Acceptance
Perhaps the most painful loss many co-dependents face is the loss of our dreams, the hopeful and sometimes idealistic expectations for the future that most people have. This loss can be the most difficult to accept.
The dreams and promises may have been spoken or unspoken but for most of us, they were there. The dreams were there. Many of us held on for so long, clutching those dreams through one loss and disappointment after another. We flew in the face of reality, shaking these dreams at the truth, refusing to believe or accept anything less. But one day the truth caught up to us and refused to be put off any longer. This wasn't what we wanted, planned on, asked for, or hoped for. It never would be. The dream was dead, and it would never breathe again.
Some of us may have had our dreams and hopes crushed. Some of us may be facing the failure of something extremely important such as marriage or another important relationship. I know there's a lot of pain at the prospect of losing love or losing the dreams we had. There's nothing we can say to make that less painful or to lessen our grief. It hurts deeply to have our dreams destroyed by alcoholism or any other problem.
Nothing dies slower or more painfully than a dream.
Even recovery brings losses, more changes we must struggle to accept. Although these are good changes, they are still losses - losses of things that may not have been desirable but may have become oddly comfortable. At least we knew what to expect, even if that meant not expecting anything.
The losses many co-dependents must daily face and accept are enormous and ongoing. They are not the usual problems and losses most people encounter as part of normal living. These are losses and problems which are caused by people we care about. Although the problems are a direct result of an illness, condition, or compulsive disorder, they may appear as deliberate and malicious acts. We are suffering at the hands of someone we love and trusted.
It has also been my experience that my higher power seems reluctant to intervene in my circumstances until I accept what He has already given me. Acceptance is not forever. It is for the present moment. But it must be sincere and at gut-level.
Positive change brings loss ... when we buy a new house and leave the old one ... and requires a progression through the following five stages:
- Denial
I am convinced that we do most of our co-dependent behaviors in this stage - obsessing, controlling, repressing feelings. I also believe many of our feelings of "craziness" are connected to this state.
We feel crazy because we are lying to ourselves.
We feel crazy because we are believing other people's lies.
Nothing will help us feel crazy faster than being lied to.
Believing lies disrupts the core of our being.
The deep, instinctive part of us knows the truth, but we are pushing that part away and telling it, "You're wrong. Shut up."
According to counselor Scott Egleston,we then decide there's something fundamentally wrong with us for being suspicious, and we label ourselves and our innermost, intuitive being as untrustworthy.
- Anger
We may blame ourselves, God, and everyone around us for what we have lost. - Bargaining
If we do such and such or if someone else does this or that, then we won't have to suffer the loss. - Depression
When we decide to acknowledge what life has dealt us we become sad, sometimes terribly depressed.
This is the essence of grief: mourning at its fullest.
This is what we have been attempting to avoid at all costs.
This is the time to cry, and it hurts.
This stage of the process begins when we humbly surrender.
Grief will disappear, only when the process has been worked out and through. - Acceptance
After we have closed our eyes, kicked, screamed, negotiated, and finally felt the pain, we arrive as a state of acceptance. Acceptance should not be mistaken for a happy stage. It is almost void of feelings. It is as if the pain had gone, the struggle is over ... We are at peace with what is. We are free to stay; free to go on; free to make whatever decisions we need to make. We are free! We have accepted our loss, however minor or insignificant. We are comfortable with it and our lives. We have adjusted and reorganized. Once more, we are comfortable with our present circumstances and ourselves.
We believe we have in some way benefited from our loss or change even if we cannot fully understand how or why. We have faith that all is well, and we have grown from our experience. We deeply believe our present circumstances ... every detail of them ... are exactly as they ought to be for the moment. In spite of our fears, feelings, struggles, and confusion, we understand everything is okay even if we lack insight. We accept what is. We settle down. We stop running, ducking, controlling, and hiding. And we know it is only from this point that we can go forward.
When the process begins, we usually feel shock and panic. As we go through the stages, we often feel confused, vulnerable, lonely, and isolated. A sense of loss of control is usually present, as is hope, which is sometimes unrealistic. Denial, depression, bargaining, and anger may all come rushing in. We may not know what we're trying to accept. We may not even know we're struggling to accept a situation. We may simply feel like we've gone crazy. We haven't. Become familiar with this process. The entire process may take place in thirty seconds for a minor loss; it may last years or a lifetime when the loss is significant.
We must ward off the blows of life with denial until we are better prepared to deal with them. We must feel anger and blame until we have gotten them out of our system. We must try to negotiate, and we must cry. We don't necessarily have to let the stages dictate our behaviors, but each of us, for our well-being and ultimate acceptance, needs to spend individually appropriate time in each stage.
The only way out is through.
We can give ourselves permission to go through this process when we face loss and change, even minor losses and changes. Be gentle with ourselves. This is a draining, exhausting process. It can deplete our energy and throw us off balance. Watch how we pass through the stages and feel what we need to feel. Talk to people, people who are safe and will provide the comfort, support, and understanding we need. Talk it out; talk it through. One thing that helps me is thanking God for the loss ... for my present circumstances ... regardless of how I feel or what I think about them.
