Tonight, I remembered that it's been two years since Aydan threatened me with a shotgun ... and time really does heal our hearts. I don't know that I will ever forget it, but it doesn't hurt (much) anymore. It's just a bad thing that happened, and bad things happen to everybody.
Anniversaries of bad things (and good things too) can be triggers for those of us in recovery. Last year, today was BRUTAL ... complete with anxiety and panic attacks. But time really does heal and this year was much different. It helps that my life is in a better place. It helps that I have good friends and a supportive family.
All of those things help but the most important thing to my recovery right after a strong faith is being willing to continue the work that has begun inside me. I've shared some of the path with you. I've told you the things that worked for me. I found inspiration in the things around me and I began to feel HOPE ...
HOPE that those old wounds would heal,
HOPE that I really could change the part of me that used to be attracted to those kind of people,
HOPE in seeing some of the things I have learned becoming an everyday part of the way I think,
HOPE that deep hurt or any deep feelings of any kind only open up my heart to feel all feelings deeper,
HOPE in finding meaning and value in the lessons I have learned, and
HOPE that I have grown enough that I won't ever have to repeat this last lesson.
Tonight, I will celebrate how far I have come and how much I have learned. I will let the wisdom I have gained be the thing that marks this day. I survived! That horrible day set me on a wonderful journey called recovery.
Melody Beattie describes recovery this way:
"... the further we progress in this miraculous program, the more we and our circumstances change. We begin to explore uncharted territory. We begin to become successful in love, in work, in life. One day at a time, the good stuff begins to happen and the misery dissipates. We no longer want to be a victim of life. We've learned to avoid unnecessary crisis and trauma. Life gets good."
Somewhere ... I can't remember exactly when ... I quit counting the mean things Aydan said and did and I started counting the good things other people said and did ... and being grateful brought more things to be grateful for ...
Gosh, it wasn't easy and it didn't all change overnight, but it DID change ... and it CAN change for you too if you let life take you to a happier place.
This journal is the story of just one road ... my road ... with a lot of wisdom from other people. Your road will be different, but some of the things I learned might help you too? You are welcomed to read any and all of it. Take the things that are helpful and don't worry about the rest. No one else can tell you what to feel. No one else can tell you how long it will take to heal. You are in charge of your own recovery. There were days when my faith was strong and other days when I needed the support of family and friends. There were women who encouraged me and I would consider it a privilege to encourage you.
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