Loss ...

   

BRIGHT and BEAUTIFUL FUTURE

Life has always been challenging, and it will continue to be.
Yet that is no reason to be gloomy or fearful,
for in every challenge there is great opportunity.

Whatever you focus on will grow stronger and more influential in your world. Choose to focus on creative, innovative, loving, respectful and
beautiful ways to move forward.

Those who obsess over assigning blame only
end up making the problems worse.
What you can do now is far more important than who is at fault.

If you give your energy to fear and hatred,
whatever you fear and whatever you despise will grow
bigger and more imposing.
Is that really what you want?

The future is as bright and beautiful as you decide to see it.
See it, live it, and make it so.

-- Ralph Marston

 

I write about positive things and healing but sometimes, it's me that needs healing too, so sometimes when you feel like I am writing for you, I have to tell you that I am writing for me too.

I volunteer with kids who have been abused.  I advocate for them in court, usually standing between them and the person who abused them.  I listen to the stories and smile reassuringly at the victims, trying to let them know that everything is going to be okay ... and hoping in my heart that it will be.

Sometimes, their story has a happy ending.  Sometimes, it doesn't.  For the ones who might have better lives, we try for all of them, because you really can't tell which ones will find that better life or which one will fall right back in to the only thing they have ever known ...

I have gotten to be pretty good at finding runaways, where to look and what questions to ask.  Sometimes, I talk them into going home.  Sometimes, in spite of my very best efforts, I have to watch them walk away ... because there is a law in our state that says kids can do whatever they want when they are 17, unless they break the law or become victims, then the law holds their parents responsible!  It is a ridiculous law.  It creates juvenile delinquents and teenage victims and there is nothing I can do about the law, but I still try ...

That might sound noble of me, but it's not.  I don't do anything alone!

When my heart was breaking, I always called Emilie and she prayed with me and reminded me that God can go where I cannot and He can still touch those children and protect them if I ask Him and I do ... I always do ... but I can't call Emilie anymore.  She passed away last Spring ... and even though I always pray, I wish she was here to tell me to!

When I got frustrated with life, I could always talk to Lauren too ... She was married to a cop.  She had heard it all.  She knew the system and knew how to make me laugh at how ridiculous the system could be.  No matter how bad something was, she could always tell me a worse story that turned out okay and I believed her and worked a little harder to find a happy ending for the kids ... Lauren passed away this Spring.  I have picked up the phone dozens of times to call her, but remembered before I dialed that she is gone. Even her passing is something I would have called to talk to her about ... and it is hard to find a way to have that conversation with anyone other than her.

There are others ... too many ... who have passed ... I could list them but what would be the point?  Would any of you love them in just one paragraph the way I will love them the rest of my life?  Could I even find words good enough for people so dear?

I have other friends ... but the ones I really counted on are gone.  It's harder to do the things I need to do without the ones who helped me do it.  I stand alone more than I ever have because it's easier sometimes.  I work things out in my head.  I listen to Emilie's prayers and laugh at Lauren's jokes, even though no one else hears them but me.  I tell myself it is enough.  Most of the time, I am okay with the way life is, but sometimes, after a really tough day, I miss them more than words can say.

Today was a tough day.

I got home and went for a walk.  I cried a little.  I fretted some.  I wished with all my heart that they were still here.  I still need them.  I came inside, opened my emails and someone sent the forward that I started this post with.  I read the words and let the words fill me up ... I don't really even know the lady that sent this one and yet, she made a difference in my day.  She reminded me of who I am and what I believe all the way down to my toes.  I cried because that was the very thing I missed about Emilie and Lauren ... they knew who I was and how I felt all the way down to my toes!  When I would get discouraged, they always knew what to say ...

No one will ever replace the ones I have lost ... but God will find other ways to encourage me, because He can!  Take a minute and go back to that email.  Read it just once through my temporarily discouraged eyes ... and see if you don't feel HOPE too ... hope that even though today wasn't a good day, there'll be other days ... better days ...

If someone out there is feeling loss like I am, perhaps this will help?

Surviving Significant Loss ...

At some point in our life, all of us will experience some sort of loss and a need for HEALING.  Understanding the process won't make it any easier when it happens to us but KNOWING that we can heal is a good place to start ...
 
I found this web-site to be especially comforting.  Here is just a sample of what you can expect to find and the link is listed below.


Surviving Significant Loss ...

                                                              

We live by losing and leaving and letting go. And sooner or later, with more or less pain, we must all come to know that loss is indeed a lifelong human condition. 
                            -- Judith Viorst


Life changes that involve significant loss--the death of a loved one, divorce, career crises, decline in health, or other irreversible and unwanted situations - evoke a natural emotional and behavioral response called grief. Making it through the grieving process - learning how to live with a significant loss - necessitates hard and very often painful emotional work over a period of many months or even years.

When someone is permanently deprived of something they love, the loss can affect their very identity, for instance, how they perceive their role as a husband, wife, parent, son or daughter. Often the loss brings a sudden and unsettling change in life’s basic circumstances (such as a marked decline in financial means, having to live alone, or not being able to continue to live in a familiar setting) that can provoke extreme levels of anxiety or depression.

Throughout the grieving process, it’s important that the individual not judge themselves harshly or measure their experience against what they think they “should be” feeling or howthey imagine others expect them to be acting.

               There is no one way to grieve
               And certainly no one right way.

People’s coping strategies vary and can be influenced by many factors that are exclusive to each situation. In addition to cultural and religious beliefs, these factors can include the nature of the attachment to the lost loved one, the circumstances of the loss (for example, was it unexpected, the result of violence, or the culmination of a long illness), previous experiences with loss, and the availability of others to extend caring support.


Phases of Grief

Following the death of a loved one or the loss of a critical relationship (for instance, through divorce), it can seem as though the intense, sometimes overwhelming, and often conflicting physical and emotional reactions completely take over a person’s life. Many find that it can take up to a year to experience the deepest aspects of the grieving process and begin coming to terms with their loss. Understanding that there are natural and commonly experienced symptoms and “phases” of grief can often help. Although there are certainly variations in the intensity, duration and highly personal nature of each person’s experience, most go through the following three phases:

• Shock and/or denial
• Emotional and physical pain
• Reorganization and integration

It is very important to understand that these phases are by no means experienced as a linear 1-2-3 sequence. Most people find that the phases frequently overlap and often re-occur (sometimes quite unexpectedly) as they mourn their loss and in their own time change the relation to their loss from “presence” to “memory.”


Shock and/or Denial

A sense of numbness or disbelief weighs heavily on the grief-stricken individual. Many later describe having a “flat” or “empty” feeling, some say their mind felt “closed” and they were unable to accept all or even part of what had just occurred, and still others describe having felt completely detached, as if the experience of loss was happening to someone else.


Emotional and Physical Pain

People often describe this phase of grief as a seemingly never-ending roller coaster ride of emotions and physical reactions. Throughout the first year, as birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays that hold special meaning come up, it is not uncommon to become repeatedly overcome by levels of emotional and physical pain that can feel nearly as intense as when the loss first occurred.


Commonly experienced emotional symptoms include:

• Depression
• Despair
• Confusion
• Irritability
• Rage
• Guilt
• Loneliness
• Distraction or preoccupation
• Passivity, a sense that “life has lost all meaning”
• “Out of the blue” crying jags

Many people express such feelings as “a part of me has died,” or “I wish I was dead, too.” During this phase it is also not uncommon to feel angry with those one feels are “responsible” for the loss, including God, physicians, or even the loved one who has died.


Commonly experienced physical reactions include:

• Decreased energy and extreme fatigue
• Loss of appetite (or in some cases, eating excessively in an attempt to fill a void)
• Anxiety that can manifest in hyperventilation or panicattacks
• Shaking, tremors
• Memory loss
• Specific aches and pains, such as headaches, abdominal discomfort, back aches, or a stiff neck that are unrelated to any medical problem
• Tendency to push self to extremes at work, school or in a demanding exercise regime

Reorganization and Integration

While sadness, pain and disbelief may continue, the individual progressively comes to terms with the reality of their loss and finds they are gradually more able to develop renewed interest in work, family, friends and life in general.


Getting the Necessary Help

Time can be a great healer. However, crucial to recovering a sense of self and learning to live with loss is the ability to acknowledge and openly share grief’s full range of thoughts and emotions. Friends and family can often prove to be invaluable support systems. But often it is difficult for the grieving person to know how to understand what they are feeling or to feel safe expressing their thoughts (even to best friends) during the vulnerable period of trying to adjust to the reality of their loss. For many, even those who have never before sought therapy, sharing what’s going on with a therapist provides the essential opportunity to gain the insight needed to most effectively work through the painful grieving process and come to terms with their loss.



To read this text in it's entirety, you can go to: 
Surviving Significant Loss - Psychologist 4therapy.com or www.4therapy.com/consumer/life_topics/article/4541/115/Surviving+Significant+Loss