Re-Organizing My Thoughts With THE FOUR AGREEMENTS

In my life classroom, two things happened at once ... I found out about "stinking thinking" and learned a few things about how it had effected my life.

I found out that there were a lot of things that I knew for sure - but after I took a closer look - I guess I didn't really know as much as I thought I knew.  I don't know where all the things I believed came from, but I accepted that not everything was true.

I was still thinking things over when I found THE FOUR AGREEMENTS by Don Miguel Ruiz.  The actual Title is A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom - THE FOUR AGREEMENTS - A Toltec Wisdom Book. 

Don Miguel wrote about exactly what I was thinking about.  He said that little children are like sponges, soaking up everything around them.  Thousands and thousands of little ideas ... We heard it or we read it, we agreed and it became a part of us.  Those ideas became little agreements in our personal book of "truth". 

Think about it ... How many of us heard things like:

"You looked good in blue."

"You are quite an artist."
"You are a good reader."
"You are so pretty."
"You are so smart."

"You have beautiful penmanship."
"You sing like and angel."
"You are so funny!" 

All good things, right?

But ...

What if someone wasn't feeling well?
What if someone was having a bad day and they took it out on us
What if someone was just being mean?

"Must you sing that same song over and over?  You can't sing!"

"Why are you so dumb?" 
"Why can't you be like your little sister?" 
"Why can't you play ball like your brother?" 
"You look ridiculous in that color!" 
"Eating that will make you sick." 
"You make me sick." 
... and some children hear even worse things like
"I wish you were never born!"

 

We believed everything.  They said it so it must be true!
We agreed and recorded it in our own personal "book of truth" ...

BUT ...

We are not children anymore and it's time to put away childish things.

Some of my "stinking thinking" came directly from my personal "book of truth"!
Is it possible to clear the slate? 
Can I start over?

 

Don Miguel Ruiz says we can, and after five years of using THE FOUR AGREEMENTS in my own life, I can tell you that it has worked for me too. 

He suggested that when one of those random ideas "pop into your head", stop yourself and apply THE FOUR AGREEMENTS lavishly to those old and new agreements. 

THE FOUR AGREEMENTS are easy to remember, and with a little practice, you can develop habits that will change the way you think and that will change the way you live. 

Let me share THE FOUR AGREEMENTS in Don Miguel Ruiz's own words:  

1.     BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD

Speak with integrity.  Say only what you mean.  Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.  Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.  

2.     DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.  When you are immune to the opinions and action of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.  

3.     DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want.  Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.  With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.  

4.     ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.  Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.  

They're NOT meant to be a religion although they could become a way of life.  It's common sense.  Making those four agreements with yourself could eliminate a great deal of emotional drama, pain and poison from your life.  

Don Miguel Ruiz says:

You need to be very strong to adopt the Four Agreements - but if you can begin to live your life with these agreements, the transformation in your life will be amazing.  

On being impeccable with your word ... 

Our words are powerful.  We can speak words that create harmony or we can speak words that create discord. We can speak blessings or curses on ourselves and the people around us.  Your words can set you free, or it can enslave you even more than you know.

It isn't just what we say.  It's keeping our word.  We shouldn't just say what we mean.  We should mean what we say.

Don Miguel promised:  "If you make an agreement with yourself to be impeccable with your word, just with that intention, the truth will manifest through you and clean all the emotional poison that exists within you."  

On not taking anything personally ... 

Gracious!  None of us has to walk very far out our front door to find someone who is easily offended.  The first person you find might even be you!

Don Miguel said, "Nothing other people do is because of you.  It is because of themselves ... whatever they feel and do is just a projection of their own personal dream, a reflection of their past agreements. 

What you say, what you do, and the opinions you have are according to the agreements you have made - and these opinions have nothing to do with me ... I know it is your problem and not my problem.  It is the way you see the world.  It is nothing personal, because you are dealing with yourself, not me. 

Others are going to have their own opinion according to their belief system, so nothing they think about me is really about me, but it is about them.  You may even tell me, "Miguel, what you are saying is hurting me." But it is not what I am saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said.  You are hurting yourself ... Then if you get mad at me, I know you are dealing with yourself. 

I am the excuse for you to get mad. 

And you get mad because you are afraid, because you are dealing with fear.  If you are not afraid, there is no way that you will get mad at me.  If you are not afraid, there is no way that you will get jealous or sad.  If you live without fear, if you love, there is no place for any of these emotions. 

When you feel good, everything around you is good.  When everything around you is great, everything makes you happy.  You are loving everything that is around you, because you are loving yourself.  Because you like the way you are.  Because you are content with you.  Because you are happy with your life ...

Don't take anything personally." 

As you make a habit of not taking anything personally, you won't need to place your trust in what others do or say.  You will only need to trust yourself to make responsible choices.  You are never responsible for the actions of others; you are only responsible for you ...

You can say "I love you" without fear of being ridiculed or rejected.  You can ask for what you need.  You can say yes, or you can say no - whatever you choose - without guilt or self-judgment.  You can choose to follow your heart always. 

On not making assumptions ... 

This was a big one for me, the Queen of magic thinkers.  I had learned to be pretty intuitive as a child.  I learned how to watch people because it was important to know if Dad was in a good mood or a bad mood.  That skill carried over into other relationships.  My friends and family began to trust my "intuition" as much as I did, but no one can know everything about everybody 100% of the time.  PERIOD. 

Looking ahead for clues made me feel like I was in control of my life but I wasn't in control of anything, even myself!  I couldn't see that I was robbing myself of the opportunity to just live life and let life unfold the way it is going to unfold.  Instead of trying to guess what was ahead ALL THE TIME, I needed to quit jumping to confusions and just learn from the experience.

I was sick of the chaos when I read this:

We have the tendency to make assumptions about everything.  The problem with making assumptions is that we BELIEVE they are truth.  We could swear they are real. 

We make assumptions about what others are doing or thinking - we take it personally - then we blame them and react by sending emotional poison with our word.  That is why whenever we make assumptions, we are asking for problems.  We make assumptions, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing ...

We only see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear.  We don't perceive things the way they are ... when the truth comes out, we find out it was not what we thought at all ...

Making assumptions in our relationships is really asking for problems.  Often we make the assumption that our partners know what we think and that we don't have to say what we want ... Making assumptions in relationships leads to a lot of fights, a lot of difficulties, a lot of misunderstanding with people we supposedly love ... when we believe in something we assume we are right about it to the point that we will destroy relationships in order to defend our position. 

We make the assumption that everyone sees life the way we do. 

We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge ...  This is the biggest assumption that humans make.  And this is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others.  Because we think everyone else will judge us, victimize us, abuse us and blame us as we do ourselves.  So even before others have a chance to reject us, we have already rejected ourselves. 

This is the way the human mind works ... Often when you go into a relationship with someone you like, you have to justify why you like that person.  You only see what you want to see and you deny there are things you don't like about that person ...

Your love will not change anybody. 

If others change, it's because they want to change, not because you can change them.  Then something happens between the two of you, and you get hurt.  Suddenly you see what you didn't want to see before, only now it is amplified by your emotional poison.  Now you have to justify your emotional pain and blame them for your choices ...

REAL LOVE IS ACCEPTING OTHER PEOPLE THE WAY THEY ARE WITHOUT TRYING TO CHANGE THEM. 

If we try to change them, this means we don't really like them ... If others feel they have to change you, that means they really don't love you just the way you are.  So why be with someone if you're not the way he or she wants you to be? ...

Not making assumptions changed my life!  There is real freedom inasking myself, "Are you sure?"  "Do you have all the facts?"  "Does this really matter?"  "Is this any of my business?".

There is a lot of drama in people thinking they know "the truth", but which "book of truth" are they quoting from?  Next time you have a chance to witness an argument, watch and see if both people aren't telling the other person what they think!  No wonder they are both mad!  Neither one feels like they are being heard or understood!   

ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST!

Don Miguel said that when we are doing our best, we are going to live our life intensely:

You are going to be productive, you are going to be good to yourself, because you will be giving yourself to your family, to your community, to everything.  But it is the action that is going to make you feel intensely happy.  When you always do your best, you take action.  Doing your best is taking the action because you love it, not because you're expecting a reward ... If we like what we do, if we always do our best, then we are really enjoying life. 

We are having fun, we don't get bored, we don't have frustrations ... DOING YOUR BEST REALLY DOESN'T FEEL LIKE WORK BECAUSE YOU ENJOY WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING ... Action is about living fully. 

Inaction is the way that we deny life.  Inaction is sitting in front of the television every day for years because you are afraid to be alive and to take the risk of expressing what you are. 

Expressing what you are is taking action.  YOU CAN HAVE MANY GREAT IDEAS IN YOUR HEAD, BUT WHAT MAKES THE DIFFERENCE IS ACTION.  WITHOUT ACTION UPON AN IDEA, THERE WILL BE NO MANIFESTATION, NO RESULTS AND NO REWARD ... 

God is life.  God is life in action.  The best way to say, I love you God", is to live your life doing your best.  The best way to say, "Thank You God," is by letting go of the past and living in the present moment, right here and right now. 

Whatever life takes away from you, let it go. 

When you surrender and let go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive in the moment.  Letting go of the past means you can enjoy the dream that is happening right now ... There is no time to miss anyone or anything because you are alive. 

Not enjoying what is happening right now is living in the past and being only half alive.  This leads to self-pity, suffering and tears. 

You were born with the right to be happy.  You were born with the right to love, to enjoy and to share your love.  You are alive, so take your life and enjoy it.  Don't resist life passing through you. 

Just your existence proves the existence of God.  Your existence prove the existence of life and energy ... We don't need to know or prove anything.  Just to be, to take a risk and enjoy life, is all that matters. 

Say no when you want to say no, and yes when you want to say yes.  You have the right to be you. 

You can only be you when you do your best ... By doing your best, the habits of misusing your word, taking things personally, and making assumptions will become weaker and less frequent with time.  You don't need to judge yourself, feel guilty, or punish yourself if you can't keep these agreements ... If you do your best in the search for personal freedom, in the search for self-love, you will discover that it's just a matter of time before you find what you are looking for.  

Powerful!  I understand more about myself every time I return to this book.  I am sharing it with you but it is your choice what to do with it.  Over my lifetime, I have accepted other agreements about me, my life, my family, and the world and not all of them were kind to me, my life, my family and the world.  Some of those ideas held me back and opened me up to abusing myself or accepting abuse form others.

I was a victim.  I abused myself by criticizing myself.  I abused myself when I thought I didn't do something good enough.  I abused myself when I made mistakes.  Because I was saying negative things to myself, I allowed other people to say the same things to me because deep down, I already thought those things were true.  They weren't true.  I did dumb things but I am NOT a dumb person.  I made mistakes but I am NOT a mistake.  I needed to forgive myself for getting me into some of those messes and then relegate those messes in the past where they belong. 

Bad things could have happened a year ago or ten years ago but they are in the past.  The only way they can hurt me now is if I bring them back.  Some things hurt like heck a year ago but it doesn't have to come back and hurt me 30 seconds ago!  There is no good that will come out of keeping that pain alive. 

If I can forgive me, I can apply the same forgiveness to the people who might have hurt me.  Using the Four Agreements, I can accept that what they did at the time was more about them than it was about me.  I can't make any assumption about what they did or why they did it because I do not know, and even if I asked that person, they may not know either.  Anger, Jealousy, Rage all come from fear ... and the ones who hurt us may not know or be ready to know why they hurt us because they are still so busy hurting themselves.  Doing our best means having compassion for ourselves, and the ones around us.  

If I keep my speech impeccable, if I don't take anything personally, if I don't make assumptions, and if I do my best every day for all the days of my life, that is all that I can do. 

If others choose to do the same thing, that is their choice.  If others choose not to do the same thing, that is also their choice. 

I can only do what I can do to make my life a better place for me. 

 

Tags: The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz