"SELF MATTERS" - by Dr. Phil

Reprogramming ... Getting in touch with our inner child ... Exploring the far reaches of our memory ... Excavating our authentic self ... Clearing out the clutter that has held us back ... THAT all sounds good but it all can be pretty overwhelming too, especially if we don't really know or understand what it is we need to do.  I think I had to hear a lot of things several different ways before I really GOT it so don't feel bad if it's not crystal clear right away!

Dr. Phil (Dr. Phillip C. McGraw, Ph.D. - you know, Oprah's Dr. Phil) talked about several aspects of uncovering our authentic selves on Oprah, in O MAGAZINE and in his best-selling book,


SELF-MATTERS
Creating Your Life From The Inside Out
by Dr. Phillip C. McGraw, Ph.D.

I don't want to diminish the effect that his book could have on you if you were to read it yourself.  The dust jacket gives a good overview of this book:  

Your life has a root core that, once understood, unlocks a powerful force to create your life the way it was meant to be.  Key questions and an amazingly clear "map" are now at your fingertips to begin your journey to "Live by design".  These are questions that, with the help of this book, you can answer and bring into action-oriented focus:

• What are the ten most defining moments of your life?
• What are the seven most critical choices you have made to put you on your current path?
• Who are the five most pivotal people in your world and how have they shaped you?

Identifying and working with these key elements are at the heart of Dr. Phillip C. McGraw's latest work, SELF MATTERS, and soon they will be at the heart of your own new work: YOU!  

Through his books, McGraw has changed the lives of millions.  In introducing the world to his matter-of-fact, tell-it-like-it-is philosophy of life, Dr. Phil, as he isknown to his legions of fans, has put an end to the "everyone's a victim" attitude that had taken hold of our culture.  Published in over twenty-five countries, and with millions of books sold, his two number one bestsellers, LIFE'S STRATEGIES and RELATIONSHIP RESCUE, forced readers to take a serious look at the excuses they had so long been clinging to as to why they were not happy, not successful, and not enjoying their own chance at living.  

Now, Dr. Phil takes those lessons a great leap further and explores one of the most challenging questions facing us all:

When you look in the mirror, who is truly hiding beneath that face?

Instead of taking a surface look at the way we live our lives, Dr. Phil demystifies how your self-concept came to be and gives a nuts-and-bolts approach to creating a new plan for living and, in turn, for discovering THE REAL YOU.  

In this ground-breaking work, Dr. Phil challenges you to find your "authentic self" - that person you once were before life took it's toll.  It is you at your greatest, most fulfilled, and most real moment.  It is the person you have always wanted to be, but were too distracted, busy, or scared to become. 

Instead, you have created a "fictional self" - taking on the identity of who you believe you are supposed to be, the person people tell you that you are.  The incongruence between these two selves is what leads you to feel that your life is incomplete, unbalanced, and altogether more difficult than it really should be.

The good news is it no longer needs to be that way.  By using the plan set forth in SELF MATTERS, Dr. Phil helps you to demystify your self-concept and learn how to reclaim your authentic self.  In evaluating your life by only the facts, you can learn to think beyond the excuses and fears that have masked the person you have always wanted to be.

SELF MATTERS is one of the most forward-thinking works on self concept and self esteem ever published.  For the first time, an author tells it how it is and, inthe process, teaches us all how to live the lives we have always wanted but prevented ourselves from living.  We got only one chance in this world, and now, Dr. Phil shows all how to make the most of it.

I flipped open the book and saw a quote that felt right:  

"The life that is unexamined is not worth living."  
                                                    -  Plato

Let me share some things that spoke to me ... not the whole book, but a good start on what Dr. Phil has to say about THE REAL YOU ...

Life is supposed to get BETTER, because we are supposed to get BETTER at it!

You're so busy doing stuff you didn't choose and probably wouldn't choose that you don't even think about what you do want, need, and care about anymore ... Do you fail to exercise, go back to school, change jobs, confront your dead marriage, get a date, get a hobby, or deal with the pain of abuse or neglect that has scarred you from childhood?  If so, you can't possibly be living in concert with who you were originally designed to be.  If your life is dominated by constant anxiety and worry, but you don't do a damn thing to change it, that, too, is a bad sign.

In order for you to effectively figure out and map out how to get to where you want to go, you have to first know exactly where you are starting.  Where you are now, everything you are, everything you do, begins with and is based on what I call your personal truth.  By personal truth, I mean whatever it is that you, at the absolute, uncensored core of your being, have come to believe about you.  This personal truth is critical, because if you believe it, if it is real to you, then it is for you the precise reality that you will live every day.

Unless and until you confront your personal truth you will never, ever have a chanceto be the person you can be.  You,like every other living person, get mixed and faulty messages from the world and from all of your experiences in it.

When you see how few events have so powerfully dictated who and what you have become, you are going to be absolutely shocked!

You cannot change what you do not acknowledge.

Not living faithfully to your authentic self creates a void, an everpresent feeling that you are incomplete.  You find yourself wondering whether you should be doing something different with your life.  There's a restlessness, a yearning emptiness that won't go away.  It's as if you have a hole in your soul.  You may try to fill that hole in any number of ways: by smoking or drinking: by incessant working; by over-investing yourself in a mate or children.  Maybe you sit down and eat a chocolate cake with a half gallon of ice cream ... have kids ... get married ... get divorced ... get a new job ... You cast about to find something, anything to fill that hole in your heart.

At times, you may feel very, very lonely.  Strangely, even when you're in the midst of people, there is an ache of separation.  You talk to others, but never feel totally listened to.  You may feel misunderstood, even when you are brave enough to risk sharing your feelings ... Bottom line: There is seldom a time in your life when all is at peace and in balance.

 

A lot of what I have written is directed towards victims who are becoming survivors ... and it is true that we may feel especially vulnerable, at times.  But Dr. Phil didn't write this book for victims or survivors.  He wrote it for EVERYBODY!  When I read this, I heard the TRUTH.  EVERYBODY has something that really hurt them in their past, and EVERYBODY thinks they suffered ... in SOME way!  I am not trying to take away one ounce of anyone's pain.  I am not diminishing any of our situations.  I know that whatever happened hurt like hell.  I hurt too.  OUR HURT WAS REAL but getting hurt doesn't set us apart or make us special at all!  What sets us apart is how WE GET OVER IT!  We are in the position to let this pain transform us into stronger, more resilient people ... tried and tested ... a little wiser ... a LOT stronger ...


You have certain core traits, qualities, gifts, talents, needs, and desires.  You have a core purpose for being in this world.  By suppressing who you were meant and need to be, you are doing something entirely unnatural ... Because your life energy is being diverted and therefore depleted, you are compromised mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically ... It takes so much energy to be what you are not.  It takes little to be who you truly are.

I am serious about you getting REAL about you and how dramatically your life can change when you reclaim an incredible power that you may not even know that you have lost.  You are better than you are living.  You are capable of more than you have and are experiencing.  You can make your life hum if you will link up your true self and your world.  To do that, you have to get in touch with you.

I'm challenging you, starting now, to stop dealing in opinions or assumptions, and start dealing in facts.

That means no untested assumptions.  I guess what I'm telling you is that you cannot just automatically trust that you have been, or are currently being objective about you.  Just because you have believed something for a long time or have convinced yourself that you just "are" a certain way doesn't even almost make it true.  You have to be willing to challenge virtually every single thing you ever believed about yourself.  For example, if you have for a very long time felt that you were inferior or a second-class citizen, where is the proof?  If you had to argue your second-classed-ness in a court of law, could you do it?  Is it fact, or is it just some opinion you have carried for a long time?  Let's agree to use the "Joe Friday approach," from the old show DRAGNET; "Just the facts, ma'am, just the facts."

Now, that may sound easy, but you need to recognize that when it comes to dealing with yourself, all of your momentum may be the other way; it may have been years since you dealt only in facts.  Remember, a lie unchallenged becomes the truth.  You've either been told, or told yourself, some of this crap for so long you just automatically believe it.

I watch people get suckered time after time.  Some jerk (a.k.a. boyfriend, mother-in-law, boss, skinny friend, etc.) will level some vague and unfounded criticism, and because we haven't done the work to amass the facts, we buy into it and stick it right dead center in our self concept.  We even do it to ourselves, with our own opinions!  Opinions are only opinions, and opinions can be changed.  What I want to help you do is stop dealing with opinions about yourself, and instead get in touch with the facts about yourself.

Once you know the facts, you'll engage the world in an entirely different way.  You'll stop saying to yourself, I have to earn my right to be here by being clever, rich, funny, pretty, anything.  Instead, you'll communicate to the world, I have the right to be here, because I know from the inside out that I have qualities that are worthy of your acceptance.

If you're committed to deal in "just the facts", now is a good time to lay some essential ones out on the table:


FACT: Every one of us, you included, has within us everything we will ever need to be, do, and have anything and everything we will ever want and need.

FACT: Your authentic self is there, it has always been there, and it is fully accessible to you.  You are not the exception to this fact.  There are no exceptions.

FACT: The self that now runs your life didn't just happen.  It is the result of:

1. Certain key events that you have experienced in your life, your external factors; and
2. A process of reaction and interpretations that happens within you, your internal factors.

FACT: Your fictional self is the source of wrong identity and wrong information.  

FACT: Your life is not a dress rehearsal.


(the book then has a self test and 3 questions that begin the journey to self-discovery - excellent start)


"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."  
                                     -  Ralph Waldo Emerson


You are either contributing to or contaminating all of your relationships ... As we move forward you must remain cognizant of the fact that you are doing one or the other all the time.

The past reaches into the present, and programs the future, by your recollections and your internal rhetoric about what you perceived to have happened in your life. 

You tell yourself what you have been told, so persistently and destructively, by others in your life ... KNOW YOUR HISTORY SO YOU CAN WALK OUT OF IT. 

You can become a star; the star of your own life.  You can, you should, and you will.  However grandiose it may sound, I believe that this world was designed with you in mind.  I believe that you have a special place in the order of life, a particular role to fill.  And yes, it is one filled with vision, passion and power.  So hang on and get ready to get way more consciously into your own life.  If you are fully in touch with your authentic self, you wouldn't be apologetically thinking, Hey, it's just me - no big deal.  You would be thinking, Hey, this is MY LIFE we're talking about, and I want my shot!  I want to be the star in my own life.

Let's revisit the two big categories that were mentioned briefly earlier: external and internal factors.  It is in the development and interactions of these two categories that the self-concept is created.

EXTERNAL FACTORS are events, experiences, and consequences that shape your self-concept from the outside ...

Some of the most powerful external factors are those I call DEFINING MOMENTS.  Your defining moments may include episodes of trauma or tragedy; maybe they are instances of victory or perseverance.  It is those few moments, a surprisingly small number, that may have well shaped the entire rest of your life.

You have also made a number of CRITICAL CHOICES.  When reflecting on your personal history, you should also be able toidentify a handful of critical choices, choices you've made that have shaped the remainder of your life.   Along with the defining moments and critical choices, you have also encountered a small number of PIVOTAL PEOPLE who have shaped you positively and negatively.  Identifying who those people are, and what role they have played in forming your personal truth and self-concept, will be a key element of getting in control of your future life quality.

Your self-concept is impacted by another set of factors, as well: the INTERNAL FACTORS, reactions that you create within you in response to the world ... the things you tell yourself, the things you believe about yourself, all of the internal dialogue that shapes your self-concept.  It's in the choices you make.  It's under your control.  There is no reality ... only perception ... What is true about you in your mind ... you will live.  If you believe you are inferior, inadequate, worthless, incompetent, you will live DOWN to that truth.  If you believe that you are the opposite of that, you will live UP to that truth.  If you think you can or think you cannot, you are probably right!


SELF MATTERS continues to take you gently ... at your own pace ... through the process of discovering who you are and how you got to this place, and as Dr. Phil so aptly put it:


KNOW YOUR HISTORY
SO YOU CAN WALK OUT OF IT. 

Tags: Self Matters, Dr. Phil, Healing

More About The REAL YOU

We were talking yesterday about this book: 

The Real You - Become The Person You Were Meant To Be
by Dr. Kevin Leman.   

Part of recovery ... part of counseling ... part of healing involves looking back ... not in a hurtful, blaming way but in an effort to understand how we got to where we are now ... It's like being our own archeologist, looking for patterns and elements that make-up the person we are today. 

We were saying that we all have out own rule book, made up of all the things we have been told and all the things we have assumed, but ... What IF everything we believe to be TRUE isn't really true at all?  

Let's see what Dr. Leman has to say about that:

I don't want to make you into an entirely different person ... it's important for you to build on your natural strengths rather than try to create an artificial personality, but I do want to help you stop destructive behavior as well as learn how to maximize the latent strengths you may not even realize lie hidden within your soul ...

(There is an easy-to-understand look at the four personality types that we might come back to at a later time)

... You can't fully understand yourself without understanding the family dynamics in which you were raised ... (an excellent presentation on how your birth order effects you today follows ... but for now, let's take a closer look at the next section on childhood memories)

While the four temperaments (personality types) describe WHO you are, and birth order helps to explain how you got there, early childhood memories reveal your unspoken assumptions about life.  They provide a key to unlock the mystery of why you see things the way you do, why certain things bug you that don't bug others, and why some things comfort you that frighten others.

Early Childhood Memories

The Little Boy or Girl You Once Were, You Still Are

Early Childhood Memories have EVERYTHING to do with becoming a mature adult.  Answer this question! 

If you truly want to understand why you act the way you do, you have one of two options:  You can spend thousands of dollars to go to Aunt Moonwalker's five-day "Discover Yourself" workshop in the wilds of Montana, eating legumes and asparagus sandwiches while soaking in a volcanic-ash mud bath after walking across hot coals.  OR you can stay in the comfort of your own home and ask yourself the question,

What are my earliest childhood memories, and what do they say about me?

I've found that few things unlock the secrets of a person's personality better than exploring the clues, private logic, and reminiscences of early childhood memories.  In other words, to understand why you act the way you act as an adult, you need to go back to childhood.

Childhood memories aren't about avoiding responsibility (blaming our parents or someone else for what happened in the past); they're about accepting responsibility.  They are tools we can use to determine what our deepest influences were so that we can address our tendencies (some good, some bad) as mature adults.

The basic principle behind childhood memories is this:  The little boy or little girl you once were, you still are.  Of course, you've lost some of the freckles and added a few moles.  Your face has filled out and your hair might not be as thick or as blond.  But in regard to your personality, your oldest memories are the major indicators of why you believe what you believe, why you do what you do, and why you behave the way you behave.

In fact, let me be so bold to suggest that it's no accident why you hold on to certain memories and have seemingly forgotten others.  Your brain is a very prejudiced tool; it holds on to what makes sense and discards what doesn't.  If a memory of something that occurred two or three decades ago is still lodged in your mind, there's a reason for it, and the reason is this; Men and women remember only those events from early childhood that are consistent with their present view of themselves; and the world around them.

Another phrase I use to describe thatis your "private logic".  Everybody hasa "private logic" based on the real or imagined experiences they've had in their life, and out of this "private logic" they write their own unconscious rule book - their belief about how people should respond, and why.  Some people feel they were picked on and that they always got a bad break, but that may not be true; it may just be the way they perceive their past.  But that false perception is still affecting their personality and their view of the world.

Early childhood memories are the memories from eight years old or younger ... Psychologists pretty much accept as a given that you have answered basic life questions and formed the basis of your personality by the age of five or six.  Those central questions, "Who am I?  What is my place in the world?  How will I define good and evil?  What is my purpose here?" will be answered ultimately by a "private logic" that you develop well before puberty. 

As you mature, each decision you make and every situation you face is analyzed through this private logic.  You justify your actions based on what you believe to be an objective system for understanding the world.  When you go back to your early childhood, you're looking at less filtered memories.  In fact, you're probably thinking about the memories that shaped your current logic, rather than memories that have been clouded and reorganized by your current logic.

(Dr. Leman does an exercise in the book where he refers to himself as a magician.  It is the first time I have ever read a book where the author actually reached out of the pages of the book and predicted something about me personally that was ABSOLUTELY TRUE!  You have to read it for yourself to appreciate the effect of it, but it is amazing!)

Before we go on to the remembering part,
Dr. Leman issues a warning:

In the case of severe trauma - gross abuse or overwhelming tragedy - the brain does sometimes call into play a very effective coping mechanism that we counselors call "denial".  Denial has its place - it allows kids to put off dealing with traumatic events until they reach their late twenties or early thirties (typically), when they will have the maturity to finally face the truth.  I hope you realize that this book is not intended to replace professional counseling - If you have had this kind of experience in the past, you need to see a trained therapist.  But for the rest of you, I'd like to provide a few moves to help you restore memories that have seemingly been sent to the recycle bin in your mind.

Relax.  

Bringing up memories is most effectively done with a quiet mind.  The reason some people blot out their childhood is that they are so busy today they just can't slow down.  They're so used to operating at maximum capacity that something about taking a time-out feels wrong.  Find a quiet place, turn off the TV and do some introspective thinking.

Provoke Your Memories

Ask Yourself some of these questions:

• What is your earliest childhood memory?  Can you think of a teacher you liked (or disliked, a classmate who was a close friend, or a bully who mistreated you?
• Do you have any memories of doing something alone with one of your parents?
• How did you family spend holidays?  Is there a particularly painful (or happy) birthday or Christmas memory lurking in there?
• Did you ever have any pets growing up?  Do you remember ever turning to your pet for solace or to talk out a problem?
• What was your neighborhood like?  Think about some of the families who lived near you.  Anything come to mind?
• How did your family spend it's leisure time?  Do you recall any summer vacations or special weekend outings?
• Where did you sit at the table?  What was mealtime like at your home?  Did you even have mealtimes together?
• Describe your early childhood bedroom.  What was on the walls?  What did you keep near your bed?  Did you ever hide anything in your bedroom?
• Who taught you how to swim?  How to ride a bike?  How to catch a baseball?
• Who talked to you about God, faith and religion?  Did your family attend religious services?  If so, what were they like?  Was there a big difference between how your parents acted at church or synagogue and how they acted at home?
• How were you disciplined?
• Do thoughts of your childhood room make you feel comforted, sad, lonely or scared?

It can help to talk to your siblings, not for them to fill in the details, but to provoke memories.  Old photographs or home movies are also helpful.

Get Specific

General memories won't work for this exercise.  A memory has to refer to a specific event that occurred at a specific time, even if you can't place the exact date.  Keep reaching for specific events.

Warning!  Memories can lie like dogs!

Memories are by no means infallible.  In fact, they can lie like dogs.  We can manufacture and edit our memories, particularly those from childhood ... People unconsciously tamper with their own memories, inventing causes for events they see around them to help make sense of things.

An example from a study in Psychology and Marketing foundthat 35% claimed to have shaken hands with Bugs Bunny on a past visit to the Magic Kingdom (Disneyland or Disneyworld).  Of course, Bugs Bunny is a Warner Brothers creation, not a Disney character.  No child has ever shaken hands with Bugs Bunny inside the "happiest place on earth", even though lots of people "remember" doing so.

Mark Reinitz, a psychologist at the University of Puget Sound in Tacoma, Washington, explains, "Memory isn't a record.  It's an interpretation, to a large extent."  This doesn't discount our childhood memories.  In fact, in one sense, it provides all the more reason to analyze them.  A false memory can yield even more understanding than a true one.  Psychologist Elizabeth Loftis says, "Memory is malleable for a reason.  It helps us remember ourselves in a more positive light."

The important thing is for you to look at your memories objectively to understand the personal logic by which you approach your life.  Once you've begin to build a pool of memories, you can begin analyzing them to help you understand your assumed rule book.

Your Rule Book

These rule books are shaped by our response to our childhood memories, our upbringing, and our birth order.  Rule books within families will usually have some similarities, but they will also have marked differences.  Ultimately, your rule book is a very individual thing, and it governs virtually everything you do (including the type of partner you choose).

(Dr. Leman outlines how our rule book could have been effected by different parenting styles: authoritarian, lenient or critical.  He also explains how our own tendencies can also effectively write our rule book, whether we are the controller, the pleaser, the charmer or the victim.)

These roles have shaped your interactions with others.  The controller wants respect; the charmer wants affection; the victim wants pity; the pleaser wants to be appreciated.

People pick this up.  Sometimes Ican have a first-time client walk into my office and with-in five seconds I know exactly what he wants from me.  Once you become aware of what everybody else intuitively knows - the nonverbal signals you're sending that clearly mark your rule book - then you can evaluate whether that's how you want people to treat you and make changes accordingly.

Is life working out for you?  

Reprogramming Your Life

You were born with a certain disposition that was further cemented and solidified by your birth order and family environment.  Consider these factors the "hardware" of your personality.

The "software" took over when things started happening in your life.  You were just a little anklebiter, too small even to see over the coffee table, and with virtually no experience.  You hadn't traveled to Europe; you weren't educated; you were plopped naked into this world, and from that point on, virtually every hour of every day, stimuli started hitting you across the head, and you had to make sense out of all of it: "What gets me noticed?  Why do my parents treat me this way?  How come my sister gets treated differently?"   You started making assumptions.  You started answering the question that would shape your rule book: I only matter when _______________.  You weren't an adult when you made these conclusions.  You didn't have a college degree.  Your abstract thinking was nil.  Still you came up with some definitive answers.

The problem is they may not have been the right ones.  

In short, to quote the apostle Paul, "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child" (1 Corinthians 13:11).  How could you do anything differently?   But notice, a change needs to occur.  Paul goes on to say, "When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."

You were bent as a child, but as an adult you have the opportunity to straighten out your bent nature.  If you don't want to be a victim anymore, you don't have to be.  It's actually healthy for you to admit, "You know what, I really have felt most comfortable when people pitied me, but I don't want to be pitied anymore.  I want to be respected."  That's maturity.  That's thinking like a grown-up.

The "pleaser" may say, "Okay, I grew up thinking I only mattered when I was performing, but that's not true anymore.  I want real intimacy based on true relationship.  I want to be in a partnership where there is give and take."  That's called growing up.

Once, I really took the time to consider my early childhood and how those early experiences formed the foundation of my rulebook, I was also able to see how the rulebook had governed my choices and the results of those choices added to my rule book!  

Some of my rules were good ones.  I have made some excellent decisions in some things, but the one area that really needed work was the rules that effected the kind of men I chose ... over and over ... again ...

Same choices ...
Same kind of men ...
Same results ...
Some things were going to have to change because THE OLD WAYS WERE NOT WORKING FOR ME ANYMORE.

I'm not sure they ever did!  

Tags: The Real You, Kevin Leman, Becoming The Person You Want To Be, Healing

Who Is The REAL YOU?

I don't remember now, why this book caught my eye, but it did.  Looking back now, I feel like Recovery was a classroom and the right textbooks came along in exactly the right order for me ... That's the way it was with this book too ... The Real You - Become The Person You Were Meant To Be by Dr. Kevin Leman.  He also wrote The New Birth Order Book and includes a chapter on birth order in this book along with Childhood Memories, Learning Your Love Language and a section on Personality Types.   Part of recovery ... part of counseling ... part of healing involves looking back ... not in a hurtful, blaming way but in an effort to understand how we got to where we are now ... It's like being our own archeologist, looking for patterns and elements that make-up the person we are today.  We have Talked about the 12-steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous ... I think this would come under the category of Step Four:


Twelve-Step Program

1.        We admitted we were powerless ... that our lives had become unmanageable.
2.        Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3.        Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
4.        Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5.        Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6.        Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7.        Humbly ask Him to remove our shortcomings.
8.        Made a list of persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9.        Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.
10.      Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11.      Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out.
12.      Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.


Making a moral inventory ... Sounds kind of scary but nothing is scary when we break it down into manageable steps.  The Real You helped me break that down a bit.   Dr. Leman says in the first few pages:


... You were stopped short by the title.  You're interested in finding out more about what makes you the way you are.  Maybe, you have always wondered why you're so different from your siblings - after all, you grew up in the same home environment and had the same parents, but you probably represent opposite points on the personality scale.

Why is That?

In short, you want to know what kind of personality you have - Is it a good personality, a winning personality, a destructive personality?

But the mere fact that you're asking that question shows me that you have another aim in mind - you're wondering if you might be able to us this book to IMPROVE your personality.  Maybe you wish you could be more outgoing, more sociable, or more confident.  Maybe you've been told that you have a grating personality and you want a completely different you?  You're sort of like the women who come on Oprah for those makeover Changes -straight hair, drab clothing, and poorly applied make-up, crying out, "I need a change.  What I've got just isn't working!"  Forty minutes later these same women walk out looking like models - or at least like attractive anchorwomen.

Well, it will take more than 40 minutes, but I believe personality make-overs are just as possible as appearance makeovers.  I've seen it happen too many times to believe otherwise.

The first step toward changing your personality or behavior is to take a look at your personality and decide what it is you want to change ... In this book, I'm going to do my best to get you to rethink everything you've been doing, all the assumptions you hold, and every rule book you live by.  No, you may never have realized that you even have a rule book, but let me assure you that you do.  It's there, and for some of you, it's ruining your life!


At this point, the hair started to stand up at the back of my neck ... I read three or four books at the same time.  I had just started The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and had just read about Toltec Wisdom ... which says we all live by spoken and unspoken beliefs (agreements) that we have gathered since birth.  We can transform our lives by replacing any negative agreements with these Four Agreements.  This time, for the sake of discussing "our rule book", I have highlighted the Third Agreement:
 

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word.
   
   
2. Don't Take Anything Personally.
   
   
3. Don't Make Assumptions.
   
   We have the tendency to make assumptions about everything.  The problem with making assumptions is that we BELIEVE they are truth.  We could swear they are real.  We make assumptions about what others are doing or thinking - we take it personally - then we blame them and react by sending emotional poison with our word.  That is why whenever we make assumptions, we are asking for problems. 
   
   We make assumptions, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing ... We create a lot of emotional poison just by making assumptions and taking it personally ... we only see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear.  We don't perceive things the way they are ... when the truth comes out, we find out it was not what we thought at all ...
   
   Making assumptions in our relationships is really asking for problems.  Often we make the assumption that our partners know what we think and that we don't have to say what we want ... Making assumptions in relationships leads to a lot of fights, a lot of difficulties, a lot of misunderstanding with people we supposedly love ... when we believe in something we assume we are right about it to the point that we will destroy relationships in order to defend our position. 
   
   We make the assumption that everyone sees life the way we do.  We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse.  This is the biggest assumption that humans make.  And this is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others.  Because we think everyone else will judge us, victimize us, abuse us and blame us as we do ourselves.  So even before others have a chance to reject us, we have already rejected ourselves. 
   
   This is the way the human mind works ... Often when you go into a relationship with someone you like, you have to justify why you like that person.  You only see what you want to see and you deny there are things you don't like about that person ... Your love will not change anybody.  If others change, it's because they want to change, not because you can change them.  Then something happens between the two of you, and you get hurt.  Suddenly you see what you didn't want to see before, only now it is amplified by emotional poison.  Now you have to justify your emotional pain and blame them for your choices ...
   
   REAL LOVE IS ACCEPTING OTHER PEOPLE THE WAY THEY ARE WITHOUT TRYING TO CHANGE THEM.  If we try to change them, this means we don't really like them ... If others feel they have to change you, that means they really don't love you just the way you are.  So why be with someone if you're not the way he or she wants you to be? ...
      
4. Always Do Your Best.
   

I specifically highlighted Don't Make Assumptions because that is how we have built our rule book.  It consists of our own assumptions and the assumptions of people around us and most of those assumptions were not based on fact but our perceptions.   Apparently, this was a message I needed to hear:

What IF everything I believe to be TRUE about myself and others isn't really true at all?

That question had two answers.  It might be time for me take a good look at the things I believe, truly evaluate them for TRUTH, and if they are NOT true, get rid of them!

How can we DO that?  Take a minute to think about the things you think.  We'll look at it closer tomorrow ... We CAN change some things ... if we REALLY want to ...

Tags: The Real You, Kevin Leman, Birth Order Book, co-dependents anonymous, 12-steps, The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz, Healing

Women Over 40 ...

We'll get back to the more serious things tomorrow, but for now ... I thought I'd play a little bit more ... I got this email a few days ago and thought of a few things I'd add, so I did!  Before you read it, this is meant to be lighthearted.  I'm hoping most of you guys are watching the Super Bowl Game ... Go Steelers!  If you are a woman under 40 ... please don't be offended.  You have gifts that are preparing you today for 40 tomorrow and 40 will be here in the blink of an eye because that how 40 happens!

Here are Andy Rooney's words:


Andy Rooney says, "As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why" ... 

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting!

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise because they know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. When you act like a jerk, they're not the least bit afraid to say you are a jerk! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.

Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.

For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize. 


lolololol ... Andy Rooney's praise of women over 40 got me to thinking ... I'd have to add!   Women over 40 wear what feels good!  We buy what we like.  We don't care about what's in or what color someone else wants us to buy.  We have already wasted a fortune on what other people thought was hot ... and it was NOT.  We are confident enough to know "our style".  Until designers start designing for real women, they aren't designing a darn thing for me!  Thank you very much ...

Women over 40 collect ... It wasn't on purpose!  We happened to mention once that we liked angels or ladybugs and had no idea that all our friends and family would find all this angel andladybug crap that "reminded them of us" and so here we are with "the world's largest collection" ... I finally decided I could either put a museum tour sign and collection box at the end of the driveway ... or just sell it on EBay ... THANK GOD FOR EBAY!

Women over 40 are fearless.  We have raised teenagers and lived to laugh about it.  Most of us have survived at least one ugly divorce and were polite to a "wife-in-law" (ex-husband's new wife) or two or three "for the children's sake."  We have managed "blended family" events with the diplomacy of Henry Kissinger.  We can handle anything.   Women over 40 have tried every diet ever offered in a book, on a TV show or the back of a cereal box ... and by 40, we have accepted that there is really only one diet that works consistently and it's the same one that has worked for centuries: 

• Eat smaller portions.
• Go easy on the sweets. 
• Take your vitamins.
• Drink at least 8 glasses of water a day.
• Exercise More ... Everyday ... even if it's just parking further away from the front door and walking to the mailbox.

Women over 40 have suffered losses.  We know how precious life is so we spend more time on the things that really matter and less time on the things that don't ... My house might be dustier than it used to be.  It may not be swept clean and freshly scrubbed.  I have a home where the kids can spread out their toys and read their books.  If you spill a drink or drop a cookie, it is NOT the end of the world.  It will clean up just fine ... no worries.  I do the chores when they need to be done and the rest of the time is saved for fun!  My house is not provincial or modern ... It's COZY & COMFORTABLE.

When you get right down to it, the 40s is a lot like the 30s ... with a mink coat, a nicer car and bigger diamonds!  

lololololol ... Yeah, right!

That last part was supposed to make you laugh ... I loved my 20s ... I loved my 30s ... I love my 40s ... and if I get to look as good as Oprah when I turn 50 ... I guess I'll love the 50s too!  

Gotta go!  The commercials are on!

Remember "Play Days" ???

                                 


                                                       


                                          


Just getting in touch with my inner child ...
Ready for a "play" day?  This is fun ... I always liked this poem.  What day were you born on?
You can check by using the birthday calculator!

 

Mondays child is fair of face,
Tuesdays child is full of grace,
Wednesdays
Child is full of woe,
Thursdays child has far to go,
Fridays child is loving and giving,
Saturdays child
Works hard for his living,
And the child that is born
On the Sabbath day ...
Is bonny and blithe, and good
And gay.

This link will tell you what day you were born on.
So are you fair of face, full of grace ...

Birthday Calculator
or if that doesn't work, try
http://www.paulsadowski.com/birthday.asp
P. S.  I'm a Friday's Child ... loving and giving ...
Which one are you?

Groundhog Day!

 
Did you ever see the movie Groundhog Day?  It came out in 1993.  I saw a promo for it while I was watching another movie this weekend.  It was a close-up of an alarm clock going off, showing the same day and time, over and over again with the simple tag line:

He's having the worst day of his life ... over and over ...  

That movie reminds me that we are destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over again until we finally get them right!  I wanted to write more about that, but while looking for web-sites and information about the movie, I found this excellent article!  I humbly bow to a man who teaches educators how to teach ... This is an excellent article presented by Ken Sanes about the movie, Groundhog Day:
  


Groundhog Day:
Breakthrough to the True Self

Groundhog Day ... shows us a character who has to be exiled from normal life so he can discover that he is in exile from himself. In the movie, actor Bill Murray plays Phil, an arrogant, Scrooge-like weather forecaster who spends the night in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, where he is to do a broadcast the next day about the annual ritual of the coming out of the groundhog. He wakes up the next morning, does his story and is annoyed to discover that he is trapped in Punxsutawney for a second night because of a snowstorm that comes in after the groundhog ceremony.

When he wakes up in his guest house room the next morning, lo and behold, it is the morning of the day before all over again. Everything that happened to him the previous day -- the man trying to start a conversation at the top of the stairs; the old high school acquaintance recognizing him on the street, the ritual of groundhog day -- it all happens again.

And, once again, due to inclement weather, he is forced to spend the night. When he wakes up the next morning, it is the same day as yesterday and the day before, with the same oncoming snowstorm keeping him stuck in town and the same events repeating themselves like a broken record.

And so it goes, day after day ... trapped in Punxsutawney on groundhog day ... in a time loop. If he does nothing different, events will repeat themselves as they were on the original day. But if he changes his behavior, people will respond to his new actions, opening up all kinds of possibilities for playing with the unfolding of events. Either way, with each "new" day, he alone remembers what happened in previous editions of the same day.

At first Murray's character responds with bewilderment. Then he despairs and begins to treat life as a game: he risks his life and gorges on food, expressing both his sense of hopelessness and his growing recognition that, no matter what he does, time will reset itself and he will wake up as if nothing had happened.

In one scene, which turns out to be central to the movie's theme, he expresses his despair to two working class drinking buddies in a local bar.

One of his two inebriated companions then points to a beer glass and sums up the way he is responding to his situation: "You know, some guys would look at this glass and they would say, you know, 'that glass is half empty'. Other guys'd say 'that glass is half full'. I bet you is (or I peg you as) a 'the glass is half empty' kind of guy. Am I right?"

But as the days pass endlessly into the same day, this half-empty character finally finds a purpose in life: learning everything he can about his female producer, Rita, played by Andie MacDowell, so he can pretend to be her ideal man and seduce her. When that fails, and his efforts net him slap after slap, day after day, his despair deepens and he begins to spend his days killing himself. He kidnaps the groundhog and drives over a ledge into a quarry; he takes a plugged-in toaster into the bath; and he jumps off a building, always waking up whole in the morning.

In desperation, he reveals his plight to the female producer and she stays with him (without sex), inhis room,through the night. Once again, he wakes up alone in the same day. But, enriched by this experience of intimacy, and by the fact that someone actually liked him for who he is, he finally figures out a constructive response --


He begins to live his life in the day allotted to him, or, rather, he begins to live the life he never lived before. Instead of allowing circumstances to impose themselves on him, he takes control of circumstances ... 


... aided by the fact that he has all the time in the world and the safety of knowing what will happen next. He begins to take piano lessons from a music teacher who is continuously surprised at how proficient he is, since she always believes it is his first lesson. He learns how to be an ice sculptor, which is the perfect art form for him since everything he does will have melted away when he wakes up anyway. And he becomes more generous.

Then, an encounter with death -- an old vagrant dies in his day -- has a deep effect on him. At first, he can't accept the man's death and, in at least one subsequent edition of the day, he tries to be good to the old man, taking him out to eat (for a last meal) and trying, unsuccessfully, to keep him alive. When he stops trying to force death to relent, his final defenses fall away and his compassion for the old man transfers to the living.

He begins to use his knowledge of how the day will unfold to help people. Knowing that a child will always fall from a tree at a certain time, he makes it a point to be there and catch the child every time. Knowing that a man will choke on his meal, he is always at a nearby table in the restaurant to save him.

Slowly, he goes through a transformation. Having suffered himself, he is able to empathize with other people's suffering. Having been isolated from society, he becomes a local hero in Punxsutawney. Now, he sees the glass as half full, and the day as a form of freedom. As he expresses it in a corny TV speech about the weather that he gives for the camera, at the umpteenth ceremony he has covered of the coming out of the groundhog:

"When Chekhov saw the long winter, he saw a winter bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of life. But standing here among the people of Punxsutawney and basking in the of warmth of their hearths and hearts, I couldn't imagine a better fate than a long and lustrous winter."

In other words, having accepted the conditions of life ... he is no longer like all those people who fear life's travails (trials), and try to ... control events. He accepts "winter" as an opportunity.


Finally, the female producer falls in love with the good person he has become and she again spends the night (although he falls asleep so, again, there is no sex.) They wake up in the morning. She is still there and it is the next day.

In a last bit of irony, the couple decide to settle down in Punxsutawney. Like Maxwell Klinger in the last episode of MASH, Murray's character will end up living in the one place he couldn't wait to escape.

What is so powerful about Groundhog Day is the way it lets us experience what it would be like to make a breakthrough like this in our own lives. The movie shows us a character who is like the worst in ourselves. He is arrogant and sarcastic, absorbed in his own discomforts, without hope, and cut off from other people ... he is forced to stop and treat each day like a world onto itself, and decide how to use it. In the end, he undergoes a breakthrough to a more authentic self in which intimacy, creativity and compassion come naturally ...

In telling this story, the movie hits on a message that is commonly found elsewhere and that appears to express an essential truth. When we get beyond denial and resentment over the conditions of life and death, and accept our situation, it tells us, then life ceases to be a problem and we can become authentic and compassionate.


Inevitably, the movie also has mythic resonance and literary counterparts. Murray's character is like all kinds of saviors and heroes in well-known stories, secular and religious, who experience some combination of suffering and courage,until they go through a transformation to a new state of knowledge. Among the religious and mythic elements we can recognize in the story: he fights off his demons; he is changed by an encounter with death; he experiences a kind of rebirth; he appears to people to exist in time but he also exists outside of normal time; he manifests deep compassion; he is in the world but not of it, suffering with a special knowledge that he uses to save those around him; and he is given a second chance in life by the love of a beautiful woman. He condenses images of Buddha and the Beast, Scrooge and Jesus.



More on Groundhog Day
The story of Groundhog Day includes a number of phases:

1.     The beginning, which takes place in normal time, in which the character is self-centered and embodies hate of self and others, defense and constriction.

2.     The bulk of the movie, which takes place in an enchanted timelessness in which the character becomes other-directed, loving and free.

This has a number of sub-phases, which can, more or less, be described as:

• bewilderment;
• despair;
• risk-taking and treating life as a game with selfish ends;
• first breakthrough to intimacy;
• generosity and the embracing of life;
• shock at, and refusal to accept, death;
• acceptance of the circumstances of life and death , and breakthrough to deep compassion (love);
• being celebrated as a local hero and a second experience of intimacy in which he gets the object of his love.

3.     The end, which has moved back into normal time, but which is now enchanted in a different way, by the attitude of the main character.

* * * * * *

In showing us this transformation, the movie provides a fictional counterpart to a universal experience, one that some people have in their own lives: that a confrontation with death and\or an acceptance of the circumstances of life, leads to a freeing up of the self, with greater enjoyment and compassion.

* * * * * *

In addition to the mythic-archetypal elements ... the main character is like all kinds of heroes who have to face various monsters and obstacles. But, here ... most of the conflicts come from within him: they are a result of how he responds to life and what he causes life to give back to him.

(The movie also offers another mythic element ... similar to Logan's Run, which is one of many other works that embody the idea that humanity must escape ... false paradises to find an authentic life.)

* * * * * *

The movie offers a number of contrasts that highlight the character's transformation:

Earlier, he gorges on food, because of his despair over his life situation. Later, he provides a feast for the old vagrant in an effort to conquer despair over life's consequences for other people;

Earlier, he injures people's self-esteem with sarcasm and drives them away. Later, he enlarges people with his vision of life, bolsters their self-esteem and draws them to him like a magnet.

Earlier, he is forced to be in Punxsutawney. Later, he decides to live there.

Earlier, he tries to simulate a false self, to win the female producer, and fails. Later, he shows her the real self he never knew he had andwins her over.

* * * * * *

The timeless middle of the movie has some of the characteristics of a virtual world in which Murray can experiment with alternative ways of living and being ... Murray's character treats his life as a game only when he is in despair. Once he has a sense of hope, he becomes more authentic and discovers himself.

* * * * * *

(excerpts are from an excellent article written for educators at http://www.transparencynow.com/groundhog.htm by Ken Sanes)

I like stories of redemption, where people just like us are transformed into the kind of people we would like to be if only ... But, you know what? 

WE CAN BE TRANSFORMED!

There are elements of RECOVERY all throughout this story!

He begins to live his life in the day allotted to him, or, rather, he begins to live the life he never lived before. Instead of allowing circumstances to impose themselves on him, he takes control of circumstances ...

Living one day at a time ... AND ... taking care of his own "stuff" ... The movie does everything but recite the Serenity Prayer! 



God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change ...

like all those people who fear life's travails, and try to ... control events. He accepts "winter" as an opportunity.



The Courage to change the things I can ...

In other words, having accepted the conditions of life ... he is no longer What is so powerful about Groundhog Day is the way it lets us experience what it would be like to make a breakthrough like this in our own lives. The movie shows us a character who is like the worst in ourselves. He is arrogant and sarcastic, absorbed in his own discomforts, without hope, and cut off from other people ... he is forced to stop and treat each day like a world onto itself, and decide how to use it. In the end, he undergoes a breakthrough to a more authentic self in which intimacy, creativity and compassion come naturally ...



The wisdom to know the difference ... 

In telling this story, the movie hits on a message that is commonly found elsewhere and that appears to express an essential truth. When we get beyond denial and resentment over the conditions of life and death, and accept our situation, it tells us, then life ceases to be a problem and we can become authentic and compassionate.



Amen!

 

Tags: Ground Hog Day, the movie

Make It A Good Day!

So many times, we have rested our happiness squarely on the shoulders of every one else, but there are little things we can do for ourselves.  This morning, I sat on the back porch and thought about all the things that give my mood a lift.  

I saw a little book that was titled 2000 Things You Can Do To Cheer Yourself Up.  I remember flipping through the pages and smiling at some of the ideas.  What if we did that?  What if we really did one thing every day just for us?  What would happen if we gave our self 10 minutes just for us?  What if we gave our self one simple little pleasure?  It wouldn't have to take a lot of time or money ... It really is the thought that counts!   

You could ...
  

Start off the day with some sort of exercise: a walk, the treadmill, a swim, maybe, exercise or a yoga tape.  

Give yourself a mini-spa!  Light a candle and use a scented body wash that you absolutely love.  Play some music to calm you down or get you going ... your choice!

Or if there's time, what about a long, hot bubble bath ... I found some bath salts with rose petals in them!  Wonderful! 

Bed, Bath and Beyond sells fancy towel warmers, but you can do the same thing ... just put your towel in the dryer right before you get in the shower!  A warm towel is oh so delicious!!!

When you get out of the shower and dry down, cover yourself in lotion or a nice talc.  Whatever you do, take your time.  This is your extra ten minutes ... a little gift you are giving yourself!  

Sometimes, I pour a glass of juice in my favorite juice glass.  The glass is from the 50s and has the cutest little tulips all around it.  I have it waiting for me when I get out of the shower on a little tray with my vitamins. 

Some mornings, I have a cup of herbal tea or decaffeinated coffee on the back porch.  I can hear the birds singing and the river down the hill or the wind chimes.  Sometimes, I just watch the birds or read a few pages of a good book or both!  

Good books?  I got hooked on reading when I was a kid.  I LOVE BOOKS!  I am usually reading 3-4 at the same time.  One for work, one for self improvement, and usually a novel, just to lighten things up.  Reading was my life-line in the beginning of recovery.  I don't know how much I retained back then, but just the act of reading was a comfort to me.

Reading has a predictable routine.  Take one word at a time, one sentence at a time, one paragraph at a time ... turn the page ... one chapter at a time ... turn the page ... one idea at a time ... turn the page ... the character getting in trouble? ... turn the page ... and eventually ... turn the page ... It all works out ... turn the page ... until there is a happy ending!  I try to look for one thing in every book I read that touches my heart and inspires me. 

I like decorating books and decorating magazines.  I like reading books from the self-help section.  In fact, I have shelves of books that reflect wherever I was at the time ... I guess I have been trying to figure out where I was for a long time!  I also like books that share unusual insights like The Four Agreements, Animal Speaks, Power Vs. Force ... just to name a few.  They put these in what they call the New Age section, but they may have been found previously in foreign cultures or philosophy.  Guess those categories would have sounded too boring to the latte sipping crowd! 

I also like novels ... James Michener books are classic.  They take you to other countries you may never get to visit, but after reading one of his books, you almost feel like you have!  In fact, he wrote a book called Caravans that is set in Afghanistan.  I read it right a few years ago and it gave me an interesting view of a country I had never really thought much about.  Sidney Sheldon writes intriguing mystery books.  Nicholas Sparks writes romantic stories about real life kinds of people.  His stories pull at my heart and remind me of how good it feels to love.  I like his characters and usually come away from every book he writes with a lesson learned about myself.

Reader's Digest (remember those old books with 5-6 condensed books) has some of the classics condensed into something I can read in a weekend.  I also like travel books, especially ones with LOTS of pictures!  Every book has something in it that will spark your own creativity.  I have a friend that collects cookbooks.  She has closets and shelves FULL of cookbooks!  I have another friend who likes to read encyclopedias ... just for the pleasure of gathering information!

(laughing)  I got off track for a minute there ... which is easy for me to do when I talk about books!  I can get lost for hours in a library or a bookstore ... But let me get back to what we were talking about!

We were talking about doing a little something for ourselves every day ... little gifts of goodness that we give to ourselves ...    

I have a piece of cinnamon toast every morning.  I love cinnamon toast!  My daughter likes to start her day with a bagel.  My other daughter likes waffles and jam.  My grandkids like pop tarts!    

Forget about your "usual uniform" that you wear every day and for today, wear something really comfortable or something that just makes you feel pretty.  Spice up what you are wearing with a piece of jewelry or a silk scarf.  It will make you feel pretty and when we feel pretty, we are pretty!  It comes from the inside!  It's not the scarf or the jewelry.  It's how we feel wearing the scarf or jewelry!

Maybe, you like hats?  I stopped by a coffee shop the other day and there was a lady there in full winter clothes, long black coat, black gloves, black boots and the coolest velvet hat!  She had fastened three or four sparkly vintage brooches along the rim in front and it looked amazing!  I smiled when I saw her.  I noticed that other people smiled too.  It was cold and gray outside, and she had found a way to bring some sparkle to everyone's day!    

I have to admit ... a cute pair of boots, heels, or even a cute pair of shoes makes me feel pretty good too!  If you are wearing sandals, polish your toes nails in your favorite shade ... Hey!  Polishing your toenails or getting a pedicure can be one of those little gifts we give ourselves!  Why not get a manicure at the same time?

Whoops, I just thought of something that could fill a whole afternoon again, didn't I?  Oh well ... turn the page!  

If you like to cook, how about baking a cake or cookies?  I like making a really good roast (I love to get a beef or lamb roast and cover the roast with a small jar of minced garlic and bake it covered at 300-degrees for hours ... the house smells so good!) or a vegetable casserole or a seafood pasta ... pick something you LOVE ... In the winter, I make a lot of hearty soups, stews or even chili in the crock pot, and let them cook all day.  It feels so good to come home with the smell of good home cooking already there.

Speaking of smells that fill our homes ... 

Fabreeze has a new home-spray.  Sometimes, I make more time by picking up the clutter and straightening things up a little and then, I spray the rooms ... It feels like I have hired a whole cleaning crew with very little effort!  Shhh ~ I can't do it every week, but every once in a while ~ There are more important things than a perfect house!

Do you like to sew?  Can you crochet or knit?  Have you seen the cool yarn they have now?  Do you embroider?  Can you paint?  Have you seen the beads people are using to make jewelry?  They sell real gold and real silver beads and semi-precious stones now!  Have you gotten into scrap booking?  Visit a craft store!  I bet there is something you would love to do!  

Jigsaw puzzles are fun in the winter!  Crossword puzzles too!

I have a crystal candy dish that I often fill up with seasonal candy ... hearts on Valentine's Day, jelly beans at Easter, candy corn on Halloween, peppermints at Christmas, or M&Ms any time else ... I don't eat all that candy myself, but it is my "duty" to make sure the kids are sugared up!    

In the winter time, a cup of Cocoa or a cup of Russian Tea chase the chill away.  How do you turn a hot drink into your special ten minutes?  Wrap up in a thick afghan or quilt and drink it outside on a swing or a rocking chair!  Listen to the birds.  Watch the wind play in your trees.  Breath in the world around you!

I have mentioned birds a few times.  I have two or three bird feeders and just as many bird baths.  I get LOTS of birds and quite a few pesky squirrels too.

I live in the woods in the country so I have watched deer, rabbits, raccoons, squirrels and even flying squirrels at night!  I have seen flocks of wild turkeys, a blue heron, red tailed hawks and song birds of every sort.  Did you know that plain old sparrows have the prettiest songs?  I think there's a life lesson in there somewhere!   

And then, there's always chocolate!  The really good, creamy, to die for chocolate.  Find your favorite little corner of the world and enjoy a piece of chocolate.  Let your mind wander.  Or if you can, let your mind just go blank!  Let it melt in your mouth.

Did you know if you take a plain old store bought peanut butter cookie and put a Hershey's chocolate kiss on top, pop it in the microwave for just 15 seconds and you have a warm cookie that is oh so delicious ... Heck, make two!  They're small!

Sometimes, I play music ... we all have our favorites.  Music makes my chores go quicker.  Music also makes a quiet meal more special ... Sometimes, I find myself humming through the day ...  

There is so much comfort (and safety) in our homes, but there are fun things to do outside our homes.  I like to visit home improvement stores.  They are always coming up with new gadgets.  I find the neatest ideas!  I also like to go to card stores.  I'm don't always go to buy a card.  Sometimes, I like to read cards, just to smile.  I have been reading cards and laughing out loud more times than I can count, and a laugh is always a good thing!  Of course, I like Barnes and Noble ... and the coffee treats!   

I like to fish!  I live near a river.  I have walked down there and dropped in a line.  Sometimes, I catch a few.  Sometimes, I don't.  I don't keep the fish ... always throw them back.  The fun is catching them! 

Watching the water roll by with an occasional leaf or piece of wood ... maybe, something more interesting, is calming.  Sometimes, I like to just watch the water tumble over the rocks, or I shut my eyes and listen to the waterfall downstream.

I have started carrying my camera again because the sun sets about the time I am headed home and sunrises and sunsets cast the most amazing light and shadows across our world.  I have seen the prettiest things and wished I had my camera with me.  Well, now I do!  I'm looking forward to what I see next!  

Looking forward ... In recovery, we spend a lot of time looking back.  Then, we begin to see the value in living for today, one day at a time.  Then, we get the idea that we can actually do things to make THIS DAY more than just another day to be endured.  We can find a way to do something nice for ourselves TODAY.  Maybe tomorrow too?  If you find a way to give yourself a little gift of time or a simple pleasure everyday ... and you do it long enough ... it will become a habit that enriches your life.  One day, out of nowhere, you might even forget about your past, be thankful for today, and even look forward to tomorrow ... We can all get there ... 

One moment at a time ... turn the page ... one day at a time ... turn the page ... one week at a time ... turn the page ... one month at a time ... turn the page ... We have to start somewhere ... so for today, and just today ... 

Make it a good day! 

Tags: recovery, healing, coping, ways to make it a good day