We were talking yesterday about this book:
The Real You - Become The Person You Were Meant To Be
by Dr. Kevin Leman.
Part of recovery ... part of counseling ... part of healing involves looking back ... not in a hurtful, blaming way but in an effort to understand how we got to where we are now ... It's like being our own archeologist, looking for patterns and elements that make-up the person we are today.
We were saying that we all have out own rule book, made up of all the things we have been told and all the things we have assumed, but ... What IF everything we believe to be TRUE isn't really true at all?
Let's see what Dr. Leman has to say about that:
I don't want to make you into an entirely different person ... it's important for you to build on your natural strengths rather than try to create an artificial personality, but I do want to help you stop destructive behavior as well as learn how to maximize the latent strengths you may not even realize lie hidden within your soul ...
(There is an easy-to-understand look at the four personality types that we might come back to at a later time)
... You can't fully understand yourself without understanding the family dynamics in which you were raised ... (an excellent presentation on how your birth order effects you today follows ... but for now, let's take a closer look at the next section on childhood memories)
While the four temperaments (personality types) describe WHO you are, and birth order helps to explain how you got there, early childhood memories reveal your unspoken assumptions about life. They provide a key to unlock the mystery of why you see things the way you do, why certain things bug you that don't bug others, and why some things comfort you that frighten others.
Early Childhood Memories
The Little Boy or Girl You Once Were, You Still Are
Early Childhood Memories have EVERYTHING to do with becoming a mature adult. Answer this question!
If you truly want to understand why you act the way you do, you have one of two options: You can spend thousands of dollars to go to Aunt Moonwalker's five-day "Discover Yourself" workshop in the wilds of Montana, eating legumes and asparagus sandwiches while soaking in a volcanic-ash mud bath after walking across hot coals. OR you can stay in the comfort of your own home and ask yourself the question,
What are my earliest childhood memories, and what do they say about me?
I've found that few things unlock the secrets of a person's personality better than exploring the clues, private logic, and reminiscences of early childhood memories. In other words, to understand why you act the way you act as an adult, you need to go back to childhood.
Childhood memories aren't about avoiding responsibility (blaming our parents or someone else for what happened in the past); they're about accepting responsibility. They are tools we can use to determine what our deepest influences were so that we can address our tendencies (some good, some bad) as mature adults.
The basic principle behind childhood memories is this: The little boy or little girl you once were, you still are. Of course, you've lost some of the freckles and added a few moles. Your face has filled out and your hair might not be as thick or as blond. But in regard to your personality, your oldest memories are the major indicators of why you believe what you believe, why you do what you do, and why you behave the way you behave.
In fact, let me be so bold to suggest that it's no accident why you hold on to certain memories and have seemingly forgotten others. Your brain is a very prejudiced tool; it holds on to what makes sense and discards what doesn't. If a memory of something that occurred two or three decades ago is still lodged in your mind, there's a reason for it, and the reason is this; Men and women remember only those events from early childhood that are consistent with their present view of themselves; and the world around them.
Another phrase I use to describe thatis your "private logic". Everybody hasa "private logic" based on the real or imagined experiences they've had in their life, and out of this "private logic" they write their own unconscious rule book - their belief about how people should respond, and why. Some people feel they were picked on and that they always got a bad break, but that may not be true; it may just be the way they perceive their past. But that false perception is still affecting their personality and their view of the world.
Early childhood memories are the memories from eight years old or younger ... Psychologists pretty much accept as a given that you have answered basic life questions and formed the basis of your personality by the age of five or six. Those central questions, "Who am I? What is my place in the world? How will I define good and evil? What is my purpose here?" will be answered ultimately by a "private logic" that you develop well before puberty.
As you mature, each decision you make and every situation you face is analyzed through this private logic. You justify your actions based on what you believe to be an objective system for understanding the world. When you go back to your early childhood, you're looking at less filtered memories. In fact, you're probably thinking about the memories that shaped your current logic, rather than memories that have been clouded and reorganized by your current logic.
(Dr. Leman does an exercise in the book where he refers to himself as a magician. It is the first time I have ever read a book where the author actually reached out of the pages of the book and predicted something about me personally that was ABSOLUTELY TRUE! You have to read it for yourself to appreciate the effect of it, but it is amazing!)
Before we go on to the remembering part,
Dr. Leman issues a warning:
In the case of severe trauma - gross abuse or overwhelming tragedy - the brain does sometimes call into play a very effective coping mechanism that we counselors call "denial". Denial has its place - it allows kids to put off dealing with traumatic events until they reach their late twenties or early thirties (typically), when they will have the maturity to finally face the truth. I hope you realize that this book is not intended to replace professional counseling - If you have had this kind of experience in the past, you need to see a trained therapist. But for the rest of you, I'd like to provide a few moves to help you restore memories that have seemingly been sent to the recycle bin in your mind.
Relax.
Bringing up memories is most effectively done with a quiet mind. The reason some people blot out their childhood is that they are so busy today they just can't slow down. They're so used to operating at maximum capacity that something about taking a time-out feels wrong. Find a quiet place, turn off the TV and do some introspective thinking.
Provoke Your Memories
Ask Yourself some of these questions:
- What is your earliest childhood memory? Can you think of a teacher you liked (or disliked, a classmate who was a close friend, or a bully who mistreated you?
- Do you have any memories of doing something alone with one of your parents?
- How did you family spend holidays? Is there a particularly painful (or happy) birthday or Christmas memory lurking in there?
- Did you ever have any pets growing up? Do you remember ever turning to your pet for solace or to talk out a problem?
- What was your neighborhood like? Think about some of the families who lived near you. Anything come to mind?
- Where did you sit at the table? What was mealtime like at your home? Did you even have mealtimes together?
- Describe your early childhood bedroom. What was on the walls? What did you keep near your bed? Did you ever hide anything in your bedroom?
- Who taught you how to swim? How to ride a bike? How to catch a baseball?
- Who talked to you about God, faith and religion? Did your family attend religious services? If so, what were they like? Was there a big difference between how your parents acted at church or synagogue and how they acted at home?
- How were you disciplined?
- Do thoughts of your childhood room make you feel comforted, sad, lonely or scared?
Get Specific
General memories won't work for this exercise. A memory has to refer to a specific event that occurred at a specific time, even if you can't place the exact date. Keep reaching for specific events.
Warning! Memories can lie like dogs!
Memories are by no means infallible. In fact, they can lie like dogs. We can manufacture and edit our memories, particularly those from childhood ... People unconsciously tamper with their own memories, inventing causes for events they see around them to help make sense of things.
An example from a study in Psychology and Marketing foundthat 35% claimed to have shaken hands with Bugs Bunny on a past visit to the Magic Kingdom (Disneyland or Disneyworld). Of course, Bugs Bunny is a Warner Brothers creation, not a Disney character. No child has ever shaken hands with Bugs Bunny inside the "happiest place on earth", even though lots of people "remember" doing so.
Mark Reinitz, a psychologist at the University of Puget Sound in Tacoma, Washington, explains, "Memory isn't a record. It's an interpretation, to a large extent." This doesn't discount our childhood memories. In fact, in one sense, it provides all the more reason to analyze them. A false memory can yield even more understanding than a true one. Psychologist Elizabeth Loftis says, "Memory is malleable for a reason. It helps us remember ourselves in a more positive light."
The important thing is for you to look at your memories objectively to understand the personal logic by which you approach your life. Once you've begin to build a pool of memories, you can begin analyzing them to help you understand your assumed rule book.
Your Rule Book
These rule books are shaped by our response to our childhood memories, our upbringing, and our birth order. Rule books within families will usually have some similarities, but they will also have marked differences. Ultimately, your rule book is a very individual thing, and it governs virtually everything you do (including the type of partner you choose).
(Dr. Leman outlines how our rule book could have been effected by different parenting styles: authoritarian, lenient or critical. He also explains how our own tendencies can also effectively write our rule book, whether we are the controller, the pleaser, the charmer or the victim.)
These roles have shaped your interactions with others. The controller wants respect; the charmer wants affection; the victim wants pity; the pleaser wants to be appreciated.
People pick this up. Sometimes Ican have a first-time client walk into my office and with-in five seconds I know exactly what he wants from me. Once you become aware of what everybody else intuitively knows - the nonverbal signals you're sending that clearly mark your rule book - then you can evaluate whether that's how you want people to treat you and make changes accordingly.
Is life working out for you?
Reprogramming Your Life
You were born with a certain disposition that was further cemented and solidified by your birth order and family environment. Consider these factors the "hardware" of your personality.
The "software" took over when things started happening in your life. You were just a little anklebiter, too small even to see over the coffee table, and with virtually no experience. You hadn't traveled to Europe; you weren't educated; you were plopped naked into this world, and from that point on, virtually every hour of every day, stimuli started hitting you across the head, and you had to make sense out of all of it: "What gets me noticed? Why do my parents treat me this way? How come my sister gets treated differently?" You started making assumptions. You started answering the question that would shape your rule book: I only matter when _______________. You weren't an adult when you made these conclusions. You didn't have a college degree. Your abstract thinking was nil. Still you came up with some definitive answers.
The problem is they may not have been the right ones.
In short, to quote the apostle Paul, "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child" (1 Corinthians 13:11). How could you do anything differently? But notice, a change needs to occur. Paul goes on to say, "When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."
You were bent as a child, but as an adult you have the opportunity to straighten out your bent nature. If you don't want to be a victim anymore, you don't have to be. It's actually healthy for you to admit, "You know what, I really have felt most comfortable when people pitied me, but I don't want to be pitied anymore. I want to be respected." That's maturity. That's thinking like a grown-up.
The "pleaser" may say, "Okay, I grew up thinking I only mattered when I was performing, but that's not true anymore. I want real intimacy based on true relationship. I want to be in a partnership where there is give and take." That's called growing up.
Once, I really took the time to consider my early childhood and how those early experiences formed the foundation of my rulebook, I was also able to see how the rulebook had governed my choices and the results of those choices added to my rule book!
Some of my rules were good ones. I have made some excellent decisions in some things, but the one area that really needed work was the rules that effected the kind of men I chose ... over and over ... again ...
Same choices ...
Same kind of men ...
Same results ...
Some things were going to have to change because THE OLD WAYS WERE NOT WORKING FOR ME ANYMORE.
I'm not sure they ever did!
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