I said a few days ago that a lot of people have been hurt. It seems like every one, at one time or another, will know what it's like to recover from something.
I am NOT saying that any one HURT is any worse than any other. We all react differently. A planned operation can be just as traumatic to one person's body as being a victim of robbery ... rape ... incest ... abuse and domestic violence ... is to someone else. The loss of a loved one can throw you down harder than anything ever has. A car accident ... A house fire ... A tornado ... A hurricane ... An earthquake can turn your world upside down in a split second. None of those things impact any of us the same way.
Recovery started out for me like a ride on a ROLLER COASTER, you know, one of those rides ... where you are going as fast as you can in one direction, only to be hurled just as fast in another direction? I felt like I was suspended precariously between hope and hopelessness ... I wanted to believe in basic goodness even when everything seemed so bad!
Recovery is messy ... Healing doesn't come in a neat little package. It has ups and downs.
The only way out is THROUGH! I pushed through some scary, painful times. I wondered how someone like me could end up in a place like that! It's all so clear to me now, but at the time, my emotions were so jumbled up, I couldn't even think straight.
Disengaging and Breaking Away from that abusive relationship was like untangling from barbed wire and broken glass. Every move hurt and cut away at parts of me that I guess I didn't need anyway. I had to let go of major portions of pride. I had to hold that person accountable for the pain he caused. I had to admit that I had made some really bad choices. I had to take responsibility for those choices. I had to forgive myself. I had to ask other people for help. I had to let myself feel everything ... Shame, Grief, Confusion, Anger, Sadness, Acceptance, Hope, Forgiveness, Faith and Gratitude ...
I guess I'll have to work on some of those things every day for the rest of my life, but the REST of my life is going to be so much better than it was!
Someone suggested that I write my feelings in short phrases ... That worked for me because there were days I couldn't have put all my feelings in complete sentences. It wasn't about making pretty poetry. It was about getting the feelings OUT ...
TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY!
I made myself think of something else
EVERY TIME
I thought of that night.
I felt each feeling as it came.
I didn't deny a single one.
I told myself that
EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY,
One minute at a time,
One hour at a time, One day at a time ...
I've been through worse than this.
It really hurt back then,
But
It doesn't have to hurt me still.
I can choose ...
And today, I chose to be happy ...
Tomorrow?
I'll have another choice ...
One minute at a time,
One hour at a time, One day at a time ...
There were times I would have liked to pretend that bad thing never happened. Living in a pretend world is not for me! I'm glad I found my way out of that dark place! I'm happy to encourage others to "take the journey" toward healing! Of course, you will feel sadness! It's okay if you find yourself wishing that things could be different. I did the same thing! But one day, you accept that things are the way they are ... and you begin to grow ...
Scott Peck, in his book, PEOPLE OF THE LIE, talks about what happens when people choose NOT to grow.
We either get better or we get worse ... and some people do get worse. They are like dead men walking ... living only the part of their lives they are willing to admit to ... That's what makes them "people of the lie". It's not the lies other people tell them that hurt them. It's the lies they tell themselves! Each time they lie to themselves, they sell a tiny piece of their soul, and some of them didn't have much "soul real estate" to begin with!
Well, that's not my story to tell.
I hurt so bad, and I didn't ever want to go through that dark place again, so I did everything I could to, hopefully, not to go that way again. I can't control anything or anyone else, but I am in full control of ME ... thankfully! I have found some tools that will help me cope with whatever is down the road for me. We'll talk about some of those coping skills another day, but for today ...
I will do my best with whatever comes my way, and I'll do my best with what ever happens tomorrow and the day after that, I'll do the same, one day at a time, until doing my best is a habit!
I SURVIVED.
You Can SURVIVE Too!
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