Even the saddest stories takes a turn and my sad story had a turn I could have never predicted ... I was quite afraid to stay in my own house for days and weeks after Aydan threatened me with the loaded shotgun ... I stayed with family and friends just so I wouldn't have to be home alone. I don't remember much of the first few months. I was too stunned to feel anything. I ran on auto-pilot, going about whatever routine was still intact at the time. My world became very small. My friends and family were supportive, even the ones who didn't like to think about the idea of abuse. It seemed like every time I was especially down, someone would call, I'd read an article or find a book that helped.
Then, one day God sent me an especially pretty sunset and I noticed ... a few days later, a pretty flower in my yard and I smiled ... one morning, a little bird singing outside my window and I heard it ...
I had told my kids and my friends about what had happened but no one seemed to know what to say ... What was there to say?
I can still remember the day my ex-husband, Joey, stopped by to let me know he had heard about what happened and he was sorry. We talked a little. He hugged me when he left. On his way out the door, he said something he'd repeat many times after that,
"If you need anything, give me a call."
He started calling every couple of days and always the last thing he'd say was, "If you need anything, give me a call." Once a week or so, Joey would talk me into going for a walk. He didn't make me talk. He didn't ask any questions. He'd tell me little stories about the things about me that had always impressed him ... like a gentle nudge reminding me of who I was before.
I'd muster up a weak smile.
For quite a while, I was really afraid to leave my home or neighborhood. I didn't like to even go to the grocery store and being around too many people scared me. I suppose it was a form of agoraphobia and one of the symptoms of post traumatic stress. Part of Aydan's abuse had been to describe the ways he'd kill someone in a public place for revenge, and I was sure he was plotting revenge against me.
In spite of all my fear, Joey talked me into going for a drive a few times. He'd drive while I looked out the window at the world passing by and music played on the radio. Once, we stopped in the mountains for ice cream on the way to a lake that we used to go to a long time ago. It was a pretty place. The sun was shining and there were two kids playing nearby. There young, carefree laughter made me smile first and cry only a few minutes later when I wondered if I would ever feel that carefree again? I was on a roller coaster ride that seemed to only have different levels of pain. I was too hurt to even notice Joey's concern. Joey says now that it really worried him to see me that way. Sometimes, he'd stop by with a book he thought I might like or a bag of groceries. He never stayed more than 10-15 minutes, but the last thing he'd say on his way out the door was,
"If you need anything, give me a call."
I had started seeing a counselor. The counselor helped me find the words and the courage to talk about what happened to me. He encouraged me to talk to people that were safe. I talked to my children and my girlfriends.
I want to take a minute to thank my girlfriends. They occasionally read my journal, although they know my story even more personally than all of you because they lived it with me. Each of them encouraged me in the way that only girlfriends can. They listened. They advised. They shared their own stories and wisdom. We laughed and cried together. They may not know until they read it here that each of them were my life support more times thanI can count. I hopethat anyone else reading this will have people in their life as good as these. I offer my thanks and gratitude to Emilie, Gaye, Jean, Kathy, Kim, Lauren, Linda, Marlys, Mellisa and Vicki (real names in alphabetical order). You shared your light in one of the darkest periods of my life. I love you.
I talked to Joey too ... I talked about what had happened to me while Joey had been away ... I talked about the good things Aydan had said and the bad things Aydan had done ... and the night Aydan threatened me with the shotgun. I talked about how scared I was and how foolish I felt to have been taken in like that. It hurt to talk about it, but once I started, I couldn't stop myself. I talked and talked and talked ... and Joey listened. He didn't interrupt me or ask any questions. He nodded encouragement once in a while, look sad sometimes, clenched his jaw when I talked about the abuse ... and when I cried, he leaned across the table and put his hand on my hand. Joey listened until there were no words left.
I was relieved. I was exhausted. Joey smiled and said, "That was hard for you. You are probably tired. Get some rest..." He hugged me and as always, as he walked out the door, he said ...
"If you need anything, give me a call."
He was right. I was tired. I got ready for bed. I had a routine for that too ... feed the dog and make sure she had water, undress and lay out my clothes for tomorrow, slip into my pajamas, comb my hair, wash my face, brush my teeth ... Put a glass of ice water beside the bed ... Arrange a dozen pillows on the other side of the bed ... Get out a book and read myself to sleep ... Joey called somewhere in the middle of the third page ... He had just gotten home and called to see if I was okay. We talked a few minutes more before he said good night. I smiled, set the book aside, and for the first time in a long time, I fell asleep ... andslept all throughthe night.
Joey said I needed time to heal. He was right. I had work to do.
Have you seen the movie Horse Whisperer? I was like that wounded horse ... I was consumed in raw pain. Joey knew I had to untangle before I could ever hope to run free again. Some days were very dark ... I wouldn't even get out of bed. I'd rearrange my assignments and hide under the covers ... trying to sleep ... Some days, I had been reading all day and I'd share the things that were meaningful to me ... little pieces of hope and promise.
Joey has a sociology degree so every once in a while, he'd share something extra about "Stockholm Syndrome" or "Trauma Bonding" to add to what I was reading. He offered explanations for why I was feeling the way I was feeling. Some of the words he said were echoes of what I was reading. I listened. I learned. For months and months, Joey's visits were hardly ever the same.
I was on one heck of a roller coaster ride. It was something I had to go through. But, Joey didn't have to go through it too. He chose to go through some of it with me. No matter where I was on the roller coaster, he kept checking on me.
We talked about things ex-husbands and ex-wives rarely talk about. There were times Joey listened to me grieve. I struggled really hard to get my brain around what happened. Once, I asked Joey, "Is Aydan sorry for what he did to me? Does he miss me at all?"
Joey answered without hesitation, "He will miss you every day for the rest of his life. He will wake up and wonder what you're doing, because you are always doing something interesting. He will wonder where you are. Anytime, he reads something hopeful or profound, he will remember you. He will think of you every time he sees an unhappy child and wish you were there for that child because you are so good at comforting people when they are hurting. He will see your smile in every sunriseand every sunset because your smile lights up a life forever, even after you have gone ..."
My eyes filled up with tears. Somewhere in there, we both knew Joey had stopped talking about Aydan and he was talking about himself.
Joey said, "Your smile lights up a life forever" ... powerful words.
We all have a handful of sentences that change the direction of our lives, and that sentence from a man like Joey went straight to my heart.
I hugged him. He just smiled and said, "Everything is going to be okay." There is comfort in hearing someone else say the things we are starting to believe ...
"EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY."
Maybe, Aydan had been right to be so afraid of Joey? Maybe, when the two men met, they saw each other more clearly than I could see either of them? Maybe, in that moment when men size each other up, Aydan saw that he would never be the man Joey already was? Aydan builds relationships on fear and intimidation. Joey builds relationships on trust. Aydan is the kind of man that talks about all the things that need to be done and Joey is the kind of man that just does them.
I had been in recovery for almost a year. I talked to my counselor about Joey and a few weeks later, I asked Joey to come with me to a session. The counselor got right to the heart of things by asking Joey, "Why have you stood by this woman?"
Joey looked confused for a minute and then, he said, "I couldn't imagine, walking away from anyone, especially Taylor, when she was in so much pain. Lately, there are moments when Taylor almost forgets the pain, and I see the woman I have always known her to be. I admire the way she is trying to find meaning in what has happened to her ... I love her."
More precious, life-changing words! ... the gut-level, down-to-earth, real kind that Joey bought and paid for with pieces of his soul. I knew it hadn't been easy for Joey to "check in" on my recovery. He put my feelings first every time we talked. Many times, he wished out loud that he could carry the burden for me, even if just for a little while. In a way, he probably did. He believed me. He didn't judge me or criticize me. He offered encouragement when I was down. He celebrated every step forward. Joey and I didn't go out on a real date until a year had more than passed, and even then, it felt strange. We had become such good friends that neither of us wanted to do anything to mess up the friendship!
We had fun and Joey was easy to be around. He never made me feel like I was walking on eggshells!
I looked forward to hearing from Joey. He stopped by most mornings on his way to work. We'd share coffee and cinnamon toast. I was reading books that were helping me and he was reading too. I got the idea that I wanted to write everything down and I did. Joey would read what I wrote. His comments were always encouraging. Sometimes, he'd share a story or two of his own. One day, I complained that I wished I had Joey's degree because I could do so much more to help other women and Joey laughed and said,
"Would you rather learn how to fly an airplane from a guy who has actually flown an airplane or a guy that read a book about how to fly? There is a reason you have gone through this. You can use what you have learned to help other people because helping people is what you do."
I wrote what had happened to me with the intent of helping others ... Maybe even you? My sad story is full of miracles and the last miracle was the greatest miracle ofall ... There were no accidents ... I went from one book to another like there was a divine lesson plan. Sometimes, it seemed as if one book started where another book left off.
There were no coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. There was a purpose for everything.
There were dozens and dozens of moments ... little God Winks ... letting me know that I was right to keep reading ... keep writing ... keep moving away from Aydan's world and maybe, it would be all right to let Joey back into mine?
I have known Joey in many situations, and in almost every one, he chooses to be kind, even when people don't really deserve it. He treats every one the same. I do that too! He can laugh at the irony in life. I do that too! He does notice the little things. I do that too! He continues to read and study and search for knowledge. I do that too! Joey can do one thing I can not always do for myself. When I am sad and discouraged, and I lose hope for a little bit, Joey can make me laugh, and the miracle is that when Joey is sad and discouraged, and he loses hope for a little bit, he says that I can make him laugh too!
We make life a little easier for one another.
After all these years, I trust Joey to be the man I have always known him to be. After all these years, he trusts me to be the woman he has always known me to be. We have gained so much respect for one another. It is safe to be who we are, and when we are free to be the people we were meant to be, we have the most to give!
Here is the very BEST part!
Five years after Joey and I had separated, spent 4,000-dollars on a divorce, Joey and I remarried! It was a small butjoyful service. My kids were there. Some of our friends and family were there too. It was the perfect day.
To love a person is to hear the song
That is in their heart,
And to sing it to
Them when they have forgotten ...
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach ... I love thee to the level of every day's most quiet need, by sun and candlelight ... I love thee with the breath, smiles, tears of all my life!
START WITH THE ENDING
The secret of a happy marriage,
Maybe you should write this down.
If you want to keep a love together,
The best way is to end it now!
Because
When you both know its over,
Suddenly
The truth comes out.
You can talk about your secret passion,
You can talk about your restless doubt.
When there's no pretending,
Then the truth is safe to say,
Start with the ending,
Get it out of the way.
Now there's no defending, because no one has to win.
Start with the ending,
Its the best way to begin ...
After you have both decided,
You were missing something that you need,
The ways that you were too short-sighted,
Get easier for you to see
And
After all the expectations
Shatter on the kitchen floor,
You just see
Another human suffering,
And
You wonder what the war was for?
When there's no pretending,
Then the truth is safe to say,
Start with the ending,
Get it out of the way.
Now there's no defending, because no one has to win,
Start with the ending,
Its the best way to begin ...
Happy anniversary, Darling, we go back a long, long time.
I think about our lives together.
I'm so grateful you are here in mine,
And
I know you'll keep on changing.
You're moving in thisdance with me.
I love the way we embrace the future
And
Keep the past a memory.
So there's no defending that the old ways could remain.
We start with the ending
And
Things will never be the same.
Now, there's no defending, because no one has to win.
Start with the ending,
Its the best way to begin.
Now there's no pretending,
Then the truth is safe to say,
Start with the ending,
Get it out of the way.
Now there's no defending, because no one has to win.
Start with the ending,
its the best way to begin.
Now there's no defending, because no one has to win.
Start with the ending,
Its the best way to begin ...
~ Written By David Wilcox
Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (I Corinthians 13:4-8)
Breath in ...
All the goodness and happiness that life still has for you.
Accept the blessings
That are just around the corner.
They are ours to have and to hold, to love and to cherish ...
As we each move toward our happily ever after!
Some say you can never go home again ... Obviously, Joey and I don't believe that. I can't remember now the details of why we ever split up but I can tell you exactly why we are together now. Finding each other the second time was even better than the first! We married the first time, with starry eyed hopes and dreams. We married the second time, as two who survived nightmares, and still had hope ... there was always hope. We had grown while we were apart. We see strength in each other that neither of us ever knew we had.
Genuine trust and mutual respect don't always disappear when they are tested. Sometimes, they come out swinging, and they prevail against all odds.
So do we just ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after? Yes and No! This is exactly the kind of ending that is a beginning! I found a path through a really dark woods. Joey chose to walk with me some of the way. There are still a lot of people out there in those dark woods! We can help!
Two voices are better than one!
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