Room For A Miracle?

I have tried to share things that pertain mostly to being abused, and recovery from that abuse, which might be the hardest part ... but we all do move on.  One day ...

We look around the world and realize
that there are
so many GOOD men out there ...        

I wasted too much time on WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE, WHAT SHOULD I HAVE DONE and WHAT WAS I THINKING?  All that energy wasted on questions that didn't really have any answers!

For me, when the shock wore off, the fog began to clear and every fear I ever felt came knocking at my door.  The first fear in line was, "If I could choose a man like that once, I could do the same thing again." 

I reasoned that whatever part of me that was drawn to a man like that had to be "examined and repaired" ... what I lovingly refer to as recovery ... because until we find out why we were drawn to "bad boys" and deal with it, we will continue to attract that kind of man into our lives.  I love to be needed.  I like to feel like I can make a difference in someone's life.  I used to get all caught up in taking care of everyone else and forgot to take care of me!

For almost a year, I backed off from trying to make a difference in anyone else's life so that I could make a difference in mine!  I took care of me.  I pampered myself and read about other women like me.  We co-dependents are good people!  In fact, we are very good to everyone else, but we have no idea of who we are or what we want in life!  People would ask me what I want and I never really had an answer.  I was so busy trying to help other people get what they wanted, I never took the time to get in touch with my wants, needs and desires.  

I've read books that say make a list of the kind of qualities you want in a man.  I've read other books that said visualize the things you want in your life, but if love were that easy, everyone would have the partner they want! 

I'm sure we could come up with an endless supply of thoughts on how to get the love we want, but in the end, it all comes down to making ourselves the healthiest, strongest, most authentic women we can be so that we draw different people to us. 

If we do a good job of cleaning out all the garbage that people have dumped on us and the negative ideas we have about ourselves ... 

There just might be enough room for a miracle ...

Find a guy who calls you beautiful
Instead of hot,
Who calls you back when you hang up on him,
Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

   

Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead,
Who wants to show you off to the world
When you are in your sweats,
Who holds your hand in front of his friends.

     

Wait for the one
Who is constantly reminding you of how much
He cares about you
And
How lucky he is to have you.

     

Wait for the one
Who turns to his friends and says,
"That's HER ..."

 
Even if we have never been in a healthy relationship before, we can recognize what constitutes a healthy relationship.  We one when we see one!

We can even name the traits we hope for!

• Commitment
• Trust
• Acceptance
• Comfort with the other person
• Closeness
• Intimacy
• Tenderness
• Communication
• Respect
• Self-Respect
• Mutual Admiration
• Mutual Attraction
• Faithfulness
• Shared Goals or Interests
• Having Fun Together
• Emotional Support
• Reciprocity
• Maturity
• Reliability
• Security

Of everything on that list, RESPECT and TRUST meant the most to me.  I wanted a man that I could respect and trust, but I also wanted a man who felt the same for me.  I wanted the kind of relationship where we both know and expect the other to do the right thing most of the time because that's the kind of people we are.  I can count the men on one hand that I truly trust that way.  

In my personal experience, most of the men that I had known were abusive.  Abusive people don't respect or trust anyone, even themselves.  They live in a paranoid swirl of self-deception, distrust and lies.  They lie to themselves about themselves.  They pass those lies to everyone around them.  Because they lie, they think everyone else is lying too. 

They never settle into that calm, knowing place where the rest of us tell ourselves that everything is going to be okay ...

And that is sad for them ... I hope they figure it out one day.  People choose their own paths.  Inevitably, people lives the lives they live because that is what they want to do!

I wanted more in my life.  I wasn't happy so I made some changes.  Change isn't instant and it doesn't happen over night.  Alcoholics, even after they stop drinking, are always alcoholics.  Co-dependents, even after we stop co-dependent behaviors, are always co-dependent.  We'll feel the same tug to rescue the way an alcoholic wants to drink.  We'll give our power away occasionally and lose our peace sometimes ... but just like the recovering alcoholic, we take one day at a time ... and one day at a time, our lives get better.

My life did get better!  There had been some lows, a few highs, even a few hairpin turns ... and one big turn I had not expected ... Just when I had accepted that I might be alone for a very long time, love came to me.  In many ways, it was a miracle, but it was a miracle that I never would have seen if I hadn't done the work ... brushing the co-dependent fog from my eyes and clearing away some of the clutter and nonsense of addiction from my heart. 

Let me tell you a most uncommon love story ...

Tags: abuse, recovery, healing, making room for a miracle, there are good men out there, hope