What Can HELP With The Loss Of A Child ...

Surviving The Loss Of A Child   (continued)
                                   - Written by Stephen R. Marsh
 
Beware of Offensive Behavior

Unfortunately, either through ignorance or self-centeredness and pettiness there are people who say things that actively harm people who are grieving.  Some examples of those comments are provided below for perspective.
 
"It could have been worse."  That is always true.  It is by no means consoling.  Going to an analogy, that a mugger only put out one of your eyes instead of both is little consolation that you lost an eye.
 
"Your child is in a better place."  Yes, and the person who has lost an eye in an accident can say that too.  The problem in grief  is not that the loss is permanent, but that the pain is severe and continuing.
 
"Think of all the money you will save!"  Yes, and if you lost your sight and couldn't drive, think of all the money you would save.
 
"God's wake up call for your sins."   Then the person making the statement should not mind a similar wake up call?   Of course such a statement insists that Christ was the most sinful of all.
 
"You just need to work harder and take your mind off of it."   Most parents who have lost a child operate at about 10% to 15% of their  normal capacity for at least six months.  Suggesting that the person "do more" when they can actually do 85% less is insisting that the person do things that gratify the demander - often at the expense of whatever energy the person has to care for their family and remaining loved ones.
 
"Come back in six months when we have more time to help."
 
"I understand, I had a hangnail once."
 
 
Coping When a Child Dies

In spite of it all, it is possible to cope.  You, your family and others can all do things that will help you make it through the loss of a child(or other significant loss) in shape to make a better tomorrow and able to care for those who remain.  Always remember, those who remain needyou as much as those who died.
 
For Outsiders.

1. Express sympathy and feel free to express that you do not know what to say.  The statement  "I'm so sorry, I don't  know what to say, but I want you to know that I am so sorry and I wish I could do more.  We are praying for you and thinking of you." is just fine.  It is truthful, honest and direct, doing no harm.
   Those who told my family (and the other families we have met who also lost children) "I'm so sorry, I don't know what to  say, but I want you to know that I am so sorry" - those people do not know just how much good they did.
2. Anticipate, with patience, inappropriate behavior and emotions.   When a person acts inappropriately because of stress, it does little good to increase the stress by attacking the person under stress.
3. Often, especially if the financial strain has been severe and funds are being collected, it is wise to provide support and help in managing donated funds.
4. Do not ignore all references to the dead child.  They are dead, not erased.  Letting a grieving family discuss their child - at their own time and pace - often helps a great deal.
5. At the family members' own pace, allow them to participate in social activities and church callings.  It is generally best to continue family members involvement in various positions and to support them in their weakness, rather than releasing them from everything - to the extent that the organization has the ability to allow such a course of action.
   It is important for those who lose children to keep on and to not give into despair.  Being involved in life, social activities and church helps that healing process as long as those well wishers do not overwhelm the grieving parent.
6. Finally, realize that the need for patience and resolving grief are both long term processes.  If you can't help, at least do not try to rush.  The pain will not be over in a week, not three to five weeks, not three to five months.  The recovery will not even be stable until three to five years.
   Since the two most common results of attempting to rush recovery  are (1) increased stressand (2) locking the person in at a stage of grief (usually denial), rushing grief is often the most harmful thing someone can do to a grieving parent.

For Family Members.
 
Nothing cures the pain.  Some things help a little.
 

1. Compassionate Friends and other grief support groups exist  and can help.  Being with those who have been through the same pain and loss can really make a difference - often all the difference in the world.
2. Keep moving.  If you stop, everything stops with you.  You  have living children and family as well as those who have died.  It may seem impossible, but the sooner you can return to some semblance of work (even at reduced hours), the sooner your mind will start to focus on healing.
   I literally owe my life to the kindness of the judges and attorneys  with whom I interacted in the months following the deaths of my daughters.
3. Reduce stress.  Keep a journal, pray, and get mild aerobic exercise.
4. Find safe places to express your rage, fear, pain, hurt, rejection and confusion.  You will have all of those  emotions, with great intensity.  It will be difficult to express them in an "appropriate" way and it is best to find a safe, private place to express your emotions.
5. Provide safe places for other family members to express their rage, fear, pain, hurt, rejection and confusion.  Protect those you love.
6. Be careful about becoming bitter.
7. Turn towards those you love, rather than away.  This is a key to those relationships that survive significant loss.  The people in them turn towards each other rather than inwards when placed under stress.  You can change the odds from 95% against you to  95% in your favor by controlling this one factor - a factor that is a matter of personal choice and one you can  control.

Conclusion
 
The death of a child is a terrible loss that destroys many families.   Often the fate of a family or some of its members hangs by a thread.  By loving and understanding, by the pure knowledge of God, without hypocrisy and without guile, families can be supported in their pain and aided on the path to healing.
 

Biography:  Stephen R. Marsh

Stephen R. Marsh is an attorney practicing in Wichita County, Texas, and a member of Compassionate Friends (see web-site below).
 
Jessica died January 26,1993 from Adult Respiratory Distress  Syndrome (ARDS - the same thing that resulted in all the Hantavirus deaths).  While ARDS has over a hundred known different causes,  and while Jessica spent a month in ICU units, the better part of that time in Dallas Childrens Medical Center's ECMO unit (the best center for ARDS treatment for children in the United States), the best guess her lead physician had for the cause of her death was "extreme bad luck."

Courtney died on December 26, 1993. On the 21st she had a complete check-up (we took her in for an ear ache) and she was in perfect health.  She came down with what seemed like a mild version of the flu on the 22nd of December.  On the 25th she still seemed to have the flu so we took her to a hospital because she seemed a little listless. (We were a little overprotective of her)  She was diagnosed as a new diabetic.  While in the intensive care unit, she had a seizure which herniated her brain stem. She was pronounced brain-dead on December 26th at the UCLA PICU.

I must also note that I and my family would not have made it but for the incredibly kind and careful help of the local community.  It is impossible to adequately express just how much of a difference  they made and the extent to which so many people helped.

For a book devoted to discussing many similar things, see James Dobson's When God Doesn't Make Sense.  See also The Grief Recovery Handbook by James & Cherry (Harper & Row) at pages 30 and 34 for a more clinician oriented set of lists.  A book I liked is When Good-Bye Is Forever:  Learning to Live Again After the Loss of a Child, John Bramblett (Ballantine/Inspirational, New York 1991).  Unfortunately, it was not picked up for wide library sales distribution.  Of the countless journal type  books, I liked it the best and only wish it were easier to find.

A great deal of harm is done by people who force grieving persons  to cover their grief over and to bottle it up inside where it will fester and grow bitter or otherwise not heal properly.

Studies have shown that regardless of how religious you are, sincere prayer has a substantial healing effect.  From a statistical viewpoint, it is your personal sincerity that matters, not the religious tradition you embrace.

Emotion needs to come out and be expressed - but in places where  others will not be harmed or use the emotion to harm you.  Often, in severe grief, a person does not need consolation so much as they need to mourn instead.  Christ said "blessed are they that mourn" not "blessed are they that avoid mourning...  

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                 Copyright 1995-1997 Stephen R. Marsh, also recommending:
                                      The Compassionate Friends