Let's Talk About Those RED FLAGS!

Abuse doesn't start with physical violence.  An abuser can do just as much damage and establish "his control" by tearing away at your mind and spirit before he ever harms your body.

In the September, 2004 issue of OPRAH Magazine, toward the back is an article about abuse:

Abusive Men: The Red Flags!

1. He pushes too far, too fast, planning your future together right away.
2. He hates his mother and is nasty to her.
3. He wants your undivided attention.
4. He must always be in charge.
5. He always has to win.
6. He breaks promises all the time.
7. He can't take criticism and always justifies his actions.
8. He blames someone else for anything that goes wrong.
9. He's jealous of your close friends, family members, and all other men.
10. He always asks you where you went and whom you saw.
11. He has extreme highs and lows that are unpredictable.
12. He has a mean temper.
13. He often says you don't know what you're talking about.
14. He makes you feel like you're not good enough.
15. He withdraws his love or approval as punishment.
16. He pushes you to do things that make you feel uneasy, like taking the day off from work or even breaking the law.

The article in the magazine says ... THESE MEN DON'T COME WITH WARNING LABELS ... That's the TRUTH!!!  But that list of red flags is a good place to start!  Another book breaks down the abuse:

LOVING HIM WITHOUT LOSING YOU
by Beverly Engel  

Ms. Engel breaks down the various forms of abuse and the effect of that abuse.  

Emotional Abuse  

There are many ways of being abused without anyone laying a hand on you.  Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones.  Whether it is done by constant berating or belittling, by intimidation, by manipulation, or under the guise of "guidance" or "teaching", the results are similar.  Eventually, you lose all sense of self and all remnants of personal value.  

Domination  

Those who have a need to dominate have to have their own way - insisting on making all the decisions, not allowing the other person to have an opinion or speak their mind.  Men who dominate also need to be in charge, and because of this they often try to control their partner's every action.  

Unreasonable Expectations  

When your partner's needs and expectations are unreasonable, you can never win.  It is unreasonable for a man to expect that you will put everything aside to satisfy his every whim.  It is unreasonable for someone to expect that you will put up with selfishness, constant demands, and ingratitude indefinitely.  The more you give him, the more permission you give him to find fault in you!  

Verbal Abuse  

This behavior involves berating, belittling, criticizing, name-calling, screaming, threatening, blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation.  It is extremely damaging to your self-esteem and self-image.  Verbal abuse assaults the mind and the spirit, causing wounds that are extremely difficult to heal.  

Blaming  

A blamer is a person who automatically assumes that whenever something goes wrong it is someone else's fault.  This person never admits to being responsible for something or for doing something wrong.  He will always justify or rationalize his behavior by trying to convince you that his behavior is an understandable reaction to some deficiency in you, or that he was provoked into doing it by something you did ... Women with a damaged sense of self are especially susceptible to men who blame because they tend to blame themselves so much. It's almost automatic to look to herself first as the cause of problems in her relationships.  She is the first to acknowledge her faults and shortcomings and to admit any mistakes she may have made.  This gives a blamer ample ammunition to use against her in the future.  The next time there is a disagreement, he will bring up her vulnerable as the reasons for his poor behavior.  

Constant Criticism  

When someone continuously finds fault, can never be pleased, and is unrelentingly critical of you, it is the insidious nature and cumulative effects of the abuse that do the damage.  This type of abuse eats away at your self-confidence and sense of worth.  Eventually you become convinced that nothing you do is worthwhile, and you may feel like giving up.  

Emotional Blackmail  

Emotional Blackmail is one of the most powerful forms of manipulation.  It occurs when someone either consciously or unconsciously coerces other people into doing what he wants by playing on their fear, guilt, or compassion.  Women, in particular, are easily exploited because they tend to place others' wishes and feelings ahead of their own.  You are being emotionally blackmailedwhen a man threatens to end a relationship if you don't give him what he wants,or when he rejects you or distances himself from you until you give in to his demands.  If your partner gives you the "cold shoulder" whenever he is displeased with you, threatens to leave you, or uses other fear tactics to get you under his control, he is using the tactic of emotional blackmail. 

The following are warning signs that you are being emotionally blackmailed:

• Your Partner asks you to choose between something you want to do and him.
• Your partner asks you to give up something or someone as a way of proving your love for him.
• Your partner threatens to leave you if you don't change.  

True emotional abuse is distinguished by the following:

• It is constant, as opposed to occasional.
• The intent is to devalue and denigrate rather than to simply state a complaint.
• The intent is to dominate and control rather than to provide constructive criticism.
• The person has an overall attitude of disrespect towards you, rather than just not liking something specific you are doing.  

 

Don't allow your partner to
verbally, emotionally or physically
abuse you.

 

Verbal abuse includes calling you derogatory names (bitch, whore) or telling you are stupid, ugly, fat or insane. 

Emotional abuse is trying to make you think you are crazy, threatening to end the relationship if you don't do as he says, or threatening to hit you if you don't be quiet. 

Physical abuse includes hitting, punching, pushing, tripping, or dragging.  It also includes breaking down doors, putting his fist through windows, breaking dishes, or throwing things at you. 

Tactics of intimidation are forms of abuse, even if he doesn't physically touch you.  Don't tolerate these tactics.  Call them what they are:

ABUSE.

Just a few days ago, we talked about the cycle of abuse:

The Cycle of Violence & Abuse
by Uzma Mazhar

Abuse or physical violence is a recurring cycle.

Wooing (tension building) Phase:

Most relationships are rarely violent from the beginning as there is no cumulative stress between partners.  Both are on their best behavior and trying to impress each other.

As the relationship continues, the demands, expectations and stress increases.  At this phase violence is directed toward objects rather than the partner: punching doors, kicking furniture, throwing objects, breaking stuff, etc.  The abusive behavior is reinforced by a release of tension following this aggressive action.  Aggressive behavioris a maladaptive coping mechanism to release tension and stress. 

The violence then moves from objects to spouse and there is an increase in verbal abuse: yelling, screaming, increased arguments, insults, name-calling, etc. and in general tends to become more critical of the victim.

The attacked partner (or victim) begins to alter his/her behavior to stop the verbal abuse and/or the physical violence.  The partner works harder at keeping the house cleaner, the children quieter, helping more with chores, staying home more often, etc ... anything to not get the abuser angry or to trigger another outburst.  

The victim has bought into the belief that he/she is the cause of the abuser's anger.  The verbal, emotional and/or physical abuse continues to escalate.  The victim tends to pull away from the abusive spouse and feels responsible for the abuse, often blaming themselves, feeling inadequate and a failure.

The abuser's control starts becoming more pervasive, and spills over into all aspects of the victim's life.  He/she may become obsessively jealous and tries to control most of the partner's behavior or time: where the partner will go, with whom, how they should dress and will even forbid the partner from seeing certain people.  The abuser isolates the partner from family and friends.  Emotional manipulation and black-mailing the partner into believing that if they loved them, they would not need others, or that since they are married their place is with each other ... even to the exclusion of sharing any 'private' stuff with family or close friends.  Insisting that they should keep their personal life private and to maintain secrecy.  Having effectively cut off any reality-checking that he/she could do if she shared his/her problem with family or friends.

The victim tends to feel that nothing they do is good enough for the abuser, that they are walking on eggshells and feels powerless to stop the next beating and/or explosion.  They start doubting their ability to discern right from wrong. 
The abuser believes that the victim should be able to make them feel better if they changed, they blame the victim for making them feel miserable and deny that they are hurt, frustrated, disappointed and insecure.  The abuser feels powerless and stuck, yet unwilling to look at themselves, it does not occur to them that the problem may be with them.

Active (abuse or acute) Phase:

Typically, the abuser makes a choice about his/her violence before the incident ... choosing the place and time, deciding what fight to pick, how and which part of the body to hit.  The pattern of abuse is so well established that they know what button to push and what reaction they will get.  They know what will escalate the situation.  It has become a well choreographed dance.

The victim being unprepared for the incident, is shocked at where it came from and is terrified, ashamed, humiliated, degraded and angry.  The victim tends to wrongly blame themselves for the violence.

The abuser feels out of control, tries to prove to himself that he/she is in control and does so by abusing the victim.  The abuser blames the victim for their loss of control, their violent outburst and believes that the victim instigated it.  They usually believe that the abuse solved the problem.

The Morning After (remorse or honeymoon) Phase:

This phase is also called the 'Honeymoon Phase'.  I prefer calling it the Morning After Phase as it has characteristics similar to the disoriented hangover of a drunk, and the guilt after a one night stand.  This phase is characterized by shame and guilt-provoked resolve to change, with promises of neverabusing again and begging for forgiveness.

At this stage the abuser feels temporarily in control, takes some responsibility for his/her behavior, giving the partner hope for change.  Even though the abuser is afraid of the intensity of their own anger and that the victim will leave them, they minimize the abuse and want to avoid dealing with it.

Unfortunately however, usually there is no intervention, neither seek to follow up on the promises and resolves.  The relationship continues and with every such cycle the possibility that the violence will escalate and the severity increase will get greater.

Unless the abuser receives help in learning how to deal with stress and anger, this phase will only last a period of time.  The stress and tension will again begin to increase and the cycle repeat itself.

And the cycle continues ... As the pattern gets more established, the phases get shorter and shorter, and the abuse gets more severe and violent.

Okay ... you are willing to say
if only to yourself,
that you are being abused ...
Now what?

Get the September, 2004 article if you can or check out the link below.  I wrote last week about choices you can make and things you can do.  If any of that "speaks to you" and you know you have to get away, read the checklists (Getting Out Safely is a link to Oprah's site), get organized and get out!

Getting Out Safely

An EXCELLENT resource is the:

National Domestic Violence Hotline
        800-799-SAFE

which provides 24-hour crisis intervention and referrals to local services. You can also look in the government pages of the phone book, ask at the hospital, or call 911 to find agencies and shelters in your area.

If you phone a lawyer, shelter, hotline, or service agency, hang up and immediately dial the local time or some other innocuous number so that your partner can't use *69 or the redial button to trace the call. If you have caller ID, make sure to erase all incoming numbers that could tip him off.

You should also be careful going on the Internet. It's safest to use a computer your partner doesn't have access to (at work, the public library). Otherwise, cover your tracks by deleting "cookies"(once you're online, go to the Help box, click on Index, and find Cookies for instructions) and recently visited Web sites (you'll need to clear your History list and empty your Cache files again, go to Help option for details).

Most of all, take care of yourself ... one day at a time.  It won't be easy, especially at first ... but keep going.  It will get easier.  The further you get away from the constant name calling, nagging, demeaning, complaining, bad moods and foul temper tantrums ... the easier it is to keep going! 

It's been over 2 years since I was actively involved in this abusive relationship. My former abuser still IMAGINES that he actually rescues his victims from an even worse fate than his treatment of us and he only "corrected" any of us "for our own good".  Aydan see himself as a "good, honest man" who has had to teach us women the difference between right and wrong, as in ... he is ALWAYS RIGHT and we are ALWAYS WRONG!  

It is such a RELIEF to have outgrown that place ... BUT just because I am stronger does NOT mean that I will allow myself to let down my guard down where he is concerned.  People either get better or they get worse.  Every time he abuses a woman, he goes a little further.  I consider him armed and dangerous.  He is too easily provoked! 

The best I can do for myself and my family is take care of me.  The best thing you can do to take care of yourself and your family is ...

Take care of YOU !!!

Red Flags & Warning Signs ...

I have a lot of new people stopping by my journal these days and sometimes, it's good to repeat things we have said before.  I have received several emails from ladies who still beat themselves up for missing warning signs until "it was too late" ... Of course, none of us wanted to believe that anyone could be cruel.  We may not have seen the first warning signs, but if we saw them and survived the abuse, I feel like we saw them just in time!

Abuse is a horrible thing for the victim and everyone that loves us.  When abuse happens, our first reaction is often shock and disbelief.  Of course, we don't want to believe it!  Of course, we want to pretend it didn't happen! 

I missed red flags and warning signs too.  This is my story ...
 

I met Aydan at the end of my second marriage.  I was disillusioned with a lot of things and depressed about the way things had turned out.  I had nagging questions about men and my choices.  When my first marriage failed, I didn't have too much problem thinking it was mostly his fault.  When my second marriage failed, I really began to wonder what part I played in failing relationships ... My self esteem was at an all time low.  

I would have no way of knowing it at the time, but I was exactly the kind of woman Aydan prefers.  He looks for women who are vulnerable.  He usually likes younger girls because they are easier for him to control.  He looks for people who have been abused or who are down on their luck or, in my case, women who are just breaking up from someone else because he gets to play the hero and rescuer ... for a little while.  

Aydan seemed like a breath of fresh air!  He was so attentive.  He'd had years of learning how to say the right things.  He seemed empathetic.  He listened to me and even encouraged me to talk.  I found myself sharing all my insecurities and secrets.  He really seemed to care and he was so interested!  I thought he was such a good listener, but he was really taking inventory of the things that had hurt me most, so he could use them against me later!

At first, he presented himself as a womanizer, describing sexual exploits with other women in a playful way.  When he saw that I wasn't impressed and wasn't willing to share my own sexual experiences, he told a mutual friend that I was uptight.  

He wasn't getting the reaction he had hoped for so he tried a new tactic and adjusted the stories he told me.    

Aydan shared sadder stories about his past ... He told me his parents were "stupid people".  He told me his friends at work made foolish choices and they "constantly needed his guidance".  He told me about his first marriage, how she was "unwilling to leave her mother" and how she had managed to "tragically take his only son away from him".  He said she was "mentally ill".  He told me about his second marriage.  She was much younger than he was and also needed "his constant supervision".  He often felt he had to correct her, and one time, hollered at her all the way back from a wedding three states away!  He told me about a girlfriend who had "cheated on him and ran over him with a car" when he confronted her.  He said she was a "pathological liar".   

You can tell a lot about a person by how they tell their own life story. 

Does he blame other people?  One day, he'll blame you too!  Does he use derogatory comments and name calling?  One day, that's how he'll talk about you!  Is he the hero in every story?  Does he ever talk about what he's learned or a mistake he's made?  How does he talk about his friends and family?  How does he treat children?  How does he treat old people?  How did he treat the waitress on your last date?  Is he kind most of the time, or only if he wants something?

At the time, I felt sorry for him, which is exactly why he told me the stories the way he told them.  Finally!  He was getting a reaction that he could use!  He wanted me to feel sorry for him!  He told me he was thrilled to finally meet a real woman that wasn't like the rest.  I fell right into his "plan".  I was happy to be different from all the others ... It made me feel special.  I knew I was a good woman and I loved the idea of making such a big difference in Aydan's life.

Red Flag! 

I did end up checking out Aydan's stories later.  His first wife that couldn't "get away from her mother" was TERRIFIED.  Aydan abused her and she often ran to her mother and brothers for protection from his angry outbursts.  Because of his behavior, she was able to get the court to order supervised visitation and because Aydan was humiliated by the suggestion that he needed to be supervised, he refused to see his son at all!  He also refused to support his son financially.  His son ended up calling someone else Dad ... which of course, Aydan blamed on her.  Of course it couldn't have been because Aydan had abandoned his son and never spent any time with him.  

His second wife told me that he wouldn't let her leave the house without him.  She was not even allowed to use the bathroom with the door shut!  He often told her in the heat of arguments that he would kill her if she ever left him.  I asked her about the wedding story.  Instead of being the victim of humiliation like he had said, he humiliated her, embarrassed her entire family and nearly ruined the wedding with his bad attitude.  Her family begged her to stay with them instead of returning home with him.  Aydan had cried and apologized and she ended up going home with him, only to be screamed at for four hours on the trip back.  She literally had to flee from the home and go into hiding to get away from him.  She never had him charged with domestic violence and divorced him through an attorney because she was afraid of confronting him directly.  Nearly 15 years later, she still sleeps with a gun and has nightmares.  

The girlfriend who ran over him with the car?  She had a different story to tell too.  She said she had liked the fact that he was a musician but as time went by, she realized how crazy he was, and it scaredher.  He had verbally and physically assaulted her several times ... infact her arm and shoulder still hurt from one of their last fights that happened years ago.  She said, "He even tells people that I ran over him with a car!  The truth is he showed up and started threatening me, and when I tried to leave, he jumped in front of my car and threw himself on the hood!  He rolled off and I left."  She called him a repeat offender.  

I spent the better part of three years angry with these women for turning "poor Aydan" against women and making it so hard on me to have a good relationship with such a hurt man!  I can't count the times he would lose his temper and then, apologize, "I'm sorry.  You reminded me of (fill in the blank) when she hurt me and I'm so afraid of being hurt like that again ..." 

After I filed charges against Aydan, these women were the most supportive, encouraging me to do what they wished they had done.  

Back to my story ...

In the beginning, I felt like Aydan and I were getting closer every time we talked.  It felt good to be so open.  It seemed like we agreed about everything!  He was so masculine and yet, so sensitive, always seeming to know the right things to say to make me feel better.  

In fact, he was SO FLATTERING.  So much attention! 

The same personality traits
that make Aydan crazy are the same things
that made him crazy about me! 

I knew his attention was "over the top" but it felt so good to be "adored".  He told me I was amazing!  He compared me to "gentry".  He talked about my Nordic features like I was a super model.  I didn't feel beautiful or intelligent or successful, so when he said all those things, I wanted so badly to believe him.  Listening to his flattery beat the heck out of listening to my own self doubts.  Aydan said what I wanted to hear and I worshipped him for it.  I would have done anything for him.  I can remember just watching him for hours.  I couldn't wait to hear what he would say next because most of the things he said were SO WONDERFUL.

Red Flag!   

Aydan was very attentive.  He would cook for me.  He'd plan every outing and date.  He'd ask me about current events and philosophical theories.  He hung on my every word!  He'd tenderly wrap me in a blanket if I was cold BEFORE I even asked!  He'd seem to plan his whole life around ME!  He always seemed to drop everything to have the chance to talk to me on the phone, on the internet or in person.  He would drive 45 minutes to my home and 45 minutes back to his house just to have a hug and a kiss good night!    

Red Flag!  

One time, he took me to a movie in his truck.  It was dark.  There were lots of people walking through the parking lot and I spotted a parking place.  I pointed out the space.  He looked at me with complete contempt and said, "Since YOU picked out THAT SPACE and I'm driving, I'm going to park where I want to park.  Is that okay with you?"  Again, I was stunned by how angry he got over a parking place, and stammered, "Sure ... OK".  When we got to the ticket office, he asked me what I wanted to see.  I just shook my head.  I figured if I couldn't pick out a parking place, I sure as hell better not pick outa movie!  I sat through most of the movie, wondering what I had done to set him off ...  

Red Flag!  

Once when we were eating out, he was talking, and being the people watcher that I am, I glanced around the room while he was talking.  He turned in the direction I had glanced, saw a man standing in the crowd and said, "Would you rather be talking to him?"  Again, my mouth dropped and I was stunned.  I spent the rest of the evening staring at my plate and again, wondering what I had done that was so wrong?  

Red Flag! 

Toward the end of our relationship, Aydan rented "Natural Born Killers" and told me it was his favorite movie!  I watched it with him and told him I thought it was disturbing.  He laughed at me.  What did he do to comfort me? He rented it a second time!

Red Flag!

Another time, I was telling him about an acquaintance who had been beaten up by her husband.  He interrupted what I was saying and said, "What did she do to deserve it?"  I was too shocked to continue.

Red Flag!  

Now, if every date had been this way, the relationship never would have lasted 3 years!  Of course, there were sweet times in between.  There was slow dancing in his living room.  There were long walks where we held hands.  There were beautiful sunsets and sunrises.  We gazed at stars together.  We washed cars and planted flowers and painted porches and played with kittens and flew kites.  Aydan even sang to me one night when I couldn't sleep ...

... but for no reason, he would become dark and scary.  I never knew what set him off or why he turned dark ... I just learned to walk on eggshells and tread very carefully ...

The scary times began to be more commonplace.

  

Aydan is the meanest,
most selfish man I have ever known!
He said everything he thought
I wanted to hear in the beginning,
only to take it all back
in the end.
  

He accused me of things I'd never do.
He assumed things that just weren't true.
I used to defend myself
against all the false accusation
but
they came so fast and so frequently,
what was the use?

He was going to believe what he believed.
Don't confuse him with FACTS!
I know the truth.
I know the things I struggled with.

Most of the worst things were him!

 

I was beginning to get tired of working so hard to please him.  In fact, I was beginning to think THERE WAS NO PLEASING HIM.  Instead of giving into his demands, I started standing up for myself.  I was convinced that I needed to stand up for what I believed in and do what I believed was right, whether he liked it or not.  He didn't like it one bit.

Red Flag!

He tried everything to get me back under his control.

Red Flag!

He called me horrible, ugly names, and if I asked him to stop calling me a name, he called me THAT NAME even more.  One time, he called me something vile and I slapped him, and turned to walk away.  When I turned my back, he rushed me, and threw me down on the floor!  I was stunned.  He let go.  I sat there.  Do you know what he said?  "Taylor, you really need to get self-defense classes ... You should never turn your back on an adversary.  Do you see how you left yourself open?"  It was like he was turning his abuse into a self-defense class!    

Red Flag!  

He tried to make me jealous by saying that he could have any woman he wanted.  Often, he would describe somepretty, young, intelligent,successful woman that "wanted" him.  By the way, any woman who smiled at him "wanted" him!  

Once, I screamed at him, "Go for it!  I'm sure there is a long line of women who want a fat, bald guy with an ugly attitude!"  He was speechless.  I wouldn't have dared say that in person, but on the phone,I was 45 minutes away and brave.  I was sorry the minute I said it, but two years later, I'm glad I gave him a taste of his own medicine!  

Red Flag!  

By then, we were arguing more than anything else.  Our time together was so tense, neither of us had any fun.  He accused me of "flirting" with a clerk when I asked a salesman some questions.  He said I was "taking away his right to be a man" when I picked up the drinks and let him carry the food tray (just helping).  He ordered me to "Sit down and stay right there" at a movie theater while he went to the bathroom.  I was reading the titles of the movies to myself more than anything and he yelled, "I can read!"  Once, I picked up a magazine while we were watching a movie at his house and he said, "Did you come here to read or watch a movie with ME?"  He would get mad if I talked on the phone when I was supposed to be spending time with him and then he would get mad when I wouldn't answer the phone while he was at my house.  He started telling me that he wanted me to dress more provocatively.  He complained when I wore make-up and perfume, even though I don't wear much of either.

Red Flag! 

He criticized my work with kids and the amount of time it took away from him at the very same time he'd brag about my work with kids to his friends.  I would tell him about court and he would start telling me what I should have said before he even heard about the case.  He had no training and hadn't been in court more than a few times (that I know of) and he was an EXPERT before he even had all the facts.  That irritated me. I said so.  He didn'tlike it.

In fact, he constantly claimed to be an EXPERT ... He claimed to be a musical prodigy as a child.  He told people he was an engineer but he was just a land surveyor with no formal training.  He commented on illnesses, saying he had studies medicine and anatomy, but his theories were inconsistent and contrary to traditional medical disciplines.  He had a friend that was a DR ... Maybe, they discussed medicine?  Or maybe he just watched a PBS show?  He argued "the Bible" with someone, claiming he had studied Greek & Hebrew ... when all he really did was look up a few words in a concordance!

Red Flag!    

There was no end to his controlling, manipulative ways.  Maybe, you see your guy in these stories?  Doesn't it make you nuts when he does something and then finds a way to blame it on you?  When I criticized him, he said I was trying to control him!  He used to make me really angry and then say, "Calm down!  You are so out of control sometimes.  You really need to get help for that temper of yours!"

Red Flag!  

I started questioning myself ... I was exhausted.  I was irritable.  My nerves were shot.  Remember I said he was making an inventory of my hurts and vulnerabilities?  He started to use the things I had told him in confidence against me, slipping them into arguments.  Aydan would scream things at me, "I'd have to kill you if you ever..." and later "I hate you!  I wish you were dead!"  He threatened to show up at work or the places where I volunteer and "tell people what kind of woman I really was" and expose the things he KNEW about me.  Of course, he wouldn't have dared to show up and try to humiliate me ... too many witnesses, but even the threat was enough to scare the heck out of me! 

Red Flag!   

I started avoiding people and pulling away from friends.  I felt isolated.  I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

I couldn't avoid the truth anymore.  Aydan had a serious problem and I needed to get away from him.  I must have tried to break up with him at least a dozen times and every time, he'd find a way to get back with me, usually by making me feel sorry for him ... One minute,he'd want me and the next minute, he'd want to punish me.

I didn't feel like I could do anything right, and there was always so much drama! 

Red Flag! 

I had become immune to most of his tactics except one and he used it.  He started writing cryptic notes about killing himself and how he would be better off dead.  He'd talk about what a failure his life was and how no one had ever really loved him and after all the disappointments, he wasn't sure he had the strength to go on ...

Red Flag!  

How could I ignore Aydan's threats of suicide?

Tags: abuse, red flags, warning signs, recovery, healing

Living The Life You Want ...

Physicists tell us that once an atom has touched another atom, there is a relationship between the two atoms that endures forever, no matter how far they are from each other ... Once made, a relationship always exists.  It seems that in human relationships, that principle exists as well.  Once a person has been a part of our lives, the ripples remain, even though we have no further contact.  In that sense a relationship continues even though we may consciously exorcise it from our conscious contact.  Once you understand that principle, a shift will occur in all of your contact with others.

If the relationship was toxic, the relationship must go through a transformation, since it will always be with you.  You do not need to be in contact with the person to change the nature of the relationship.  You can change how you perceive it.  You can change how it impacts you.  This is true of all human systems - intact or not.

Your whole emotional and intellectual stance toward that person must be different.  By this point you already have what you need to know. 

CAUTION: THERE ARE GREAT RISKS THAT COME WITH RECOVERY!

The problem of recovery is whether you are willing to risk the changes necessary.  We have our own list of things we need to do.  It wouldn't hurt for the people around us to know and understand what our goals are.  We all need to know that change doesn't happen overnight and some things take practice.  We will have good days and bad days.  Some things will come easier than others ... These are the things we must do to win our lives back:

TO COMMIT TO REALITY AT ALL COSTS ~ 

Recovery requires staying in reality.  

THE MISPERCEPTION OF OTHERS ~ 

Once you have clarity about reality you must be willing to risk that others will misperceive you.  Survivors want others to understand them.  They do not want anyone upset with them.  Their childhood training taught them that "if you cannot say something nice, do not say anything at all." ... The fact is that you can give the perfect explanation and others will not understand it, maybe not even believe it.  Even those who truly do cherish the survivor will misperceive ...

If survivors are making significant changes, the people around them will not like it. 

They will misinterpret the survivor's actions.  They may even question the survivor's motivation and conduct.  Count on it.  Remember, others ... will have to go through denial, fear and anger before they get to the pain.  That includes family members, friends and other people on whom survivors might count.  If you are committed to reality, you must accept that people will misperceive you.

TO HAVE BOUNDARIES ~

If you are willing to have others misperceive you, then you must run the risk of drawing boundaries.  Implementing the boundaries you have specified in your recovery plan will upset people.  When the victim starts insisting on maintaining limits and meeting her own needs, self-respect emerges. 

Here is a person who demands reckoning;
a person of value ...

Second, having boundaries clarifies values.  They essentially are the answer to the question, "For what am I willing to fight?"  Those values help define who the person is.  Finally, by successfully implementing boundaries, a new trust for yourself emerges.  Survivors can and will take care of themselves, which creates a new sense of safety.

TO SAY GOOD-BYE ~

If someone does not respect your boundaries, you will have to leave ... The best thing for you - and in fact, the other person as well - is to face the reality that the relationship cannot survive.  Saying good-bye is wrenching for survivors, who already grieve many losses ... So when it is time to say good-bye, the grief will be overwhelming.  The only choice you have to survive is to embrace the pain and experience the loss.  You may not have to say good-bye, but you must be willing to do so.  In fact, life as you know it may require a complete transformation for you to survive these relationships.  Work, values, homes, friends and even family relationships may have to substantively change for a successful recovery. 

What lengths are you willing to go to in order to be free? 

When you answer that question, you may have to face another risk; to be alone and be okay.

TO BE ALONE AND BE OKAY ~

People who are not afraid to be alone can afford to demand relationships that work.  They are not desperate while between relationships.  Nor do they fill their lives with mindless television or mind-numbing addictions.  They learn to be alone and be okay.

TO BE SPIRITUAL ~

Here is what happens spiritually:

1. Crisis and pain force surrender.
2. We accept the realties we tried to flee.
3. The lesson will be repeated until learned.  If ignored, the lessons become harder.
4. The lessons teach us about human limitation.
5. We believed we were more than other humans.  We could escape the harm.
6. When we accept suffering, we reconnect with the deeper rhythms of the universe.
7. We cannot escape the inevitable message.  Now it means too much.
8. We have lost too much, but we do have integrity.
9. Never again will we let things not matter.  We are part of a larger purpose.
10. We know we have learned the lesson when our actions change.

First comes the connection with self and the acceptance of your own brokenness.  Then there is the acceptance of the community and renewed trust in others.  The ability to trust oneself and others clears the path to trusting a creator. 

That trust also means acceptance of a larger purpose, 
A purpose in which, at times,
Even bad things can happen to very good people ...

To trust a higher purpose or power requires an essential trust of others.  Trust of others really only comes from a deep trust of your own integrity.

TO BE HONEST ~

If you have a solid spiritual life, you realize that nothing really disconnects you from others.  Then it is a matter of courage to be yourself and to be honest about who you are.  This means:

1. To admit the hard things about yourself.
2. To be clear about hard things others must hear.
3. To not mislead anyone.
4. To not live a secret life.
5. To abandon false fronts and false pride.
6. To be clear about your intent.
7. To tell the truth.
8. To not hide from difficult moments.
9. To give up being "nice" all the time.
10. To state your needs and wants without shame.
11. To not cover or lie for anyone.  

TO BE VULNERABLE ~

The most important skill to acquire and use in recovery is the capacity to get a consultation.  To get a consultation means to involve people in what goes on in your own interior world.  The dumb thoughts.  The scary thoughts.  The garbled thoughts.  The irrational fears.  The angry, vengeful fantasies.  The nightmares.  The unspoken desire. 

By sharing with others, you have an examined life.  People know who you are.  They also help you with their perspectives and ideas.  They bring reality and problem-solving skills to your life.  This process allows for integration of the darker side of yourself and acceptance of your humanness ... It is then that we can share the shadow side of ourselves, the nasty, mean-spirited side of ourselves ... Failure to own that reality will keep us from the serenity that we seek.  Disowning our shadow will prevent integrity.  Remember that others are mirrors for ourselves.  What we love or hate in others reflects what we love or hate about ourselves. 

Dr. Carl Jung wrote that to acknowledge our skeletons is the only way we will be able to ultimately accept the "gold" of life.

TO FIGHT ~

Most survivors avoid conflict.  In their past, anger and violence meant great danger.  There were rules about keeping the peace and saying nice things.  The truth is that sometimes you will have to fight.  To remove yourself from a trauma bond safely and with self-care might mean that you have to insist on your rights ... Let go of being nice.  It is always important to let others hear you.  It is important to protect yourself.  It is always important to make sure you do not intentionally hurt others purely for the sake of hurting them.  These are all good reasons to fight.  Besides, the boundaries become clear in the process.

TO DEFINE SELF ~

One of the most common reports from people emerging from a trauma bond is that they had not realized how much someone else regulated their values, lifestyle and daily choices.

TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF ~

Your life is up to you.  Take charge of it or somebody else will.

FROM SUFFERING TO MEANING ~

Whether it is betrayal by seduction, terror, power, intimacy or spirit, exploitation is simply no longer acceptable ... We are accountable to each other for our behavior ... You have committed yourself to stopping or changing an abusive relationship.  In that you have helped all of us.

(from the book: The Betrayal Bond - Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D.)

 

Though no one can go back
And make a brand new start,
Anyone can start from now
And
Make a brand new ending.

                                                     ~ Author Unknown ~                       

Tags: abuse recovery risks, be real, be honest, boundaries, letting go, be alone and be okay, spiritual, vulnerable, from suffering to meaning, healing, hope

Getting The Support You Need ...

Who do you talk to?  That's not always an easy choice.  Your dearest friends and your closest relatives might not understand.  They might be in denial about their own relationships.  They might like pretending such things don't happen.  It's okay.  You might have felt that way yourself once!  But now, you don't have a choice!  You're here and an important part of your recovery is talking about what happened with you and not having to worry about offending anyone while you talk.  

I chose my people carefully.  Most people won't know what to say.  They will want to help you.  It's okay to let them know ahead of time that you don't expect them to come up with any answers ... that it would help you if they would listen so you could get some things off your chest.  This article helps other people understand where you're at ... cause you know and I know that in the beginning, we aren't really sure ourselves where we are at!  

How Can I Help My Daughter, Sister, Or Friend Who Is Being Abused?  

THE ABUSER:   Pressures her severely.
SO YOU SHOULD:   Be patient.  Remember that it takes time for an abused woman to sort out her confusion and figure out how to handle her situation.  

THE ABUSER:   Talks down to her.
SO YOU SHOULD:   Address her as an equal.  If you speak to an abused woman as if you are smarter or wiser than she is, or as if she is going through something that could never happen to you, then you inadvertently confirm exactly what the abuser has been telling her, which is that she is beneath him.  Remember, your actions speak louder than your words.  

THE ABUSER:   Thinks he knows what is good for her better than she does.
SO YOU SHOULD:   Treat her as the expert on her own life. Don't assume that you know what she needs to do.  

THE ABUSER:   Dominates conversations.
SO YOU SHOULD:   Listen more and talk less.  The temptation may be great to convince her what a "jerk" he is, to analyze his motives, to give speeches covering entire chapters of this book.  But talking too much inadvertently communicates to her that your thoughts are more important than hers, which is exactly how the abuser treats her.  If you want her to value her own feelings and opinions, then you have to show her that you value them.  

THE ABUSER:   Believes he has the right to control her life.
SO YOU SHOULD:   Respect her right to self-determination.  She is entitled to make decisions that are not exactly what you would choose, including the decision to stay with her abusive partner or to return to him after separation.  You can't convince a woman that her life belongs to her if you are simultaneously acting like it belongs to you.  Stay by her even when she makes choices that you don't like.  

THE ABUSER:   Assumes he understands her children and their needs better than she does.
SO YOU SHOULD:   Assume that she is a competent, caring mother.  Remember that there is no simple way to determine what is best for the children of an abused woman.  Even if she leaves the abuser, the children's problems are not necessarily over, and sometimes, abusers actually create worse difficulties for the children post separation than before.  You cannot help her to find the best path for her children unless you have a realistic grasp of the complicated set of choices that face her.  

THE ABUSER:   Thinks FOR her.
SO YOU SHOULD:   Think with her.  Don't assume the role of teacher or rescuer.  Instead, join forces with her as a respectful and equal team member.  

Notice that BEING the opposite of the abuser does not simply mean SAYING the oppositeof what he says.  If he beseeches her with, "Don't leave me, Don't leave me," and you stand on the other side badgering her with "Leave him, Leave him,: she will feel that you're much like him, you are both pressuring her to accept your judgment of what she should do.  Neither of you is asking the empowering question,  

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

(from the book: WHY DOES HE DO THAT - Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft)

You can choose who you trust and what you want to say.  Tell them what happened and ask them for their support.  Truthfully, most people don't know HOW to help or WHAT TO DO but they do love you and they do care.  Make it easy for them and you by sharing this article with them.  This is what other women said helped them.
 

Be there!
Be persistent in showing you love and care.
Be careful with your opinions.
Please don't give up on me!

Offering Your Help ~ Acknowledge my situation:

• Do this very gently.  If I am unwilling to acknowledge the abuse, please don't press the issue.

• Do it very carefully.  Not only am I afraid; Iam in danger.  If my abuser finds out I spoke with you, he will take it out on me.

• No matter how I respond to your overture, assure me that your interest is in my safety and welfare and that anything I tell you will be held in confidence.

• Remind me know that whenever I want, I can look at material you have about abusive relationships.  It would help if I could use your computer to look things up.  He can't track me on your computer.

• Please Support Me.

• When I run myself down, point out my strengths.  Your encouragement is a lifeline to me!

• If I need to talk without coming to resolution, let me.  I'm trying to figure things out and it helps when I can talk to someone who won't judge me.

• When I'm ready to make a move, help me determine what I will need, offer to keep a suitcase, money, and important papers, be a point of contact for me if I am in hiding.

• Watch the children when I have important appointments or just to give me a break, if you can.

• Believe in me.  Expect that there will be set-backs and changes of heart.  Let me know that leaving is a process and that you know I can and will make necessary changes in my life.  Know that I am doing the best that I can.

• Acknowledge the reality of the losses that I face.

• Take care of yourself.

• There is a risk that your relationship with (me) the victim could become so dependent that you feel overwhelmed.  It's okay to refer me to a resource that will share the burden.

• Don't do anything that puts you at risk from the abuser.  If it is safe, continue whatever quality of relationship we had before you became aware of the abuse.  I will understand.

• Don't intervene physically; don't ever threaten him.

• If he makes threats, take out a protective order against him and report any and all violations.  I want YOU to be safe as much as you want me to be safe.
  
  (Middle Way House, P.O. Box95, Bloomington, IN  47402   812-336-0846)
  

Physicists tell us that once an atom has touched another atom, there is a relationship between the two atoms that endures forever, no matter how far they are from each other ... Once made, a relationship always exists.  It seems that in human relationships, that principle exists as well.  Once a person has been a part of our lives, the ripples remain, even though we have no further contact.  In that sense a relationship continues even though we may consciously exorcise it from our conscious contact.  Once you understand that principle, a shift will occur in all of your contact with others.

If the relationship was toxic, the relationship must go through a transformation, since it will always be with you.  You do not need to be in contact with the person to change the nature of the relationship.  You can change how you perceive it.  You can change how it impacts you.  This is true of all human systems - intact or not.

(from the book: WHY DOES HE DO THAT - Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft)

It was very rough for me at the beginning.  I felt shock, denial, grieving, angry, profoundly sad, anxious, afraid, hopeful ... and sometimes, it seemed like I felt all that at the same time!  There's no easy way through all the emotions.  When we are hurt, there are people around us who are hurt too.  Seeing the hurt in my children's faces ... realizing that I had to protect myself and them ... is the thing that started me on my recovery.  It wasn't easy to ask for help, but I am so glad that I did!  My resolve and self esteem grew as time went by, but I never could have done it alone.  I thank God for my friends and family.  They were really here for me.  Are you wishing you had more support?  Maybe, you just have to ask the people that love you for what you need?

The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch
                    And swing with,
Never say a word ... and then walk away feeling like it was 
          The best conversation you've ever had ...
                    Because ... Sometimes ... There are no words ... 

Tags: abuse, getting support, giving support, what to say and not say, recovery, healing, hope, be there for the victim

More On The Four Agreements

Don Miguel Ruiz has actually written several books.  The first one interested me so much that I read his next one, I don't want to diminish Mr. Ruiz's book sales in any way, so once again, I am sharing a condensed version, choosing enough information to hopefully cause you to buy your own copy, but not so much that I give away the full concept because it is a good one and very much worth the price and your time.  I can't improve on Don Miguel Ruiz's words so let me share from this book:

The Four Agreements Companion Book
Using The Four Agreements To Master The Dream Of Your Life 
by Don Miguel Ruiz    

Humans accumulate a lot of knowledge, and 95 percent of that knowledge is not true.  Instead of using knowledge as a tool for communication, we become puppets of knowledge.  We give life to the knowledge, and that knowledge begins to create a lot of drama and suffering because it isn't based on truth.

As children, we never chose what to believe or not to believe.  We didn't choose our religion or moral values, or any concept at all.  But we agreed with these beliefs, and once we agreed, it was stored in our memory. 

Knowledge itself isn't good or bad or right or wrong; knowledge is just a program.  It is nothing but concepts.  But the parasite that goes with knowledge is evil - it is alive. 

We eat knowledge, ingest the parasite, and get sick from what we eat.  This is what happened to all of us.  When we understand that evil is nothing but a disease of the human mind, we understand why human societies are the way that they are, why there is all the injustice, violence and war.  We have ingested parasites in the form of beliefs, in the form of concepts, in the form of distorted images.  All of the personal drama that we experience - all the emotions that burn us up, that lead us into self-destruction, into addictions, into lies, into dogmas and fanaticism - are the result of our beliefs, the result of a program. 

The whole dream of the planet is not real; it is not true.  When you awake from that dream and are aware of what is going on in people's minds, you see the Parasites everywhere in everyone.  You see all the emotional poison coming out through those parasites. 

By being aware, you see that wherever you go, people react the same way that you react; they have the same fears, the same jealousy, the same anger, the same sorrows.  You can see yourself in each one of them, and they mirror your projections, but we don't have to judge it as good or bad or right or wrong; it is just the way it is. 

Well, each of us has our own book of knowledge, our own "book of law", and we use that book to judge ourselves, to find ourselves guilty, and to punish ourselves. 

The belief that you are not good enough is one of the little parasites in your mind.  It is evil because it is destroying you.  It causes suffering because it limits your life, it limits your creativity and your happiness.  The belief that nobody likes you, the belief that you are always right - these beliefs are not true, and they lead you into self-destruction.  By always being right, for example, you have to make someone else wrong.  By making someone else wrong, you create an enemy and then you are hurting yourself because sooner or later that enemy will go against you.  All these concepts are alive and they work together, butthey need your mind, they need your dream, they need your emotions to be alive.  They only live because you believe them. 

(Think about the things you believe) ... ask you heart, not the parasite, whether each statement is true or false.  Here's a hint to let you know when you are telling yourself a lie.  Any belief that generates fear or feelings of unworthiness is false; it's a lie.  The parasite thrives on the emotions that come from fear, suffering, and drama.  Our authentic self would never abuse us; it comes from love.  

THE POWER OF THE WORD  

Through the word, you express your creative power.  It is through the word that you manifest everything.  Regardless of what language you speak, it is through the word that you express your will, your intent, your love, and your faith.  

Let's consider what it means to have faith.  Whoever masters faith, masters the dream.  Why?  Because faith is the impeccability of the word.  To have faith is to believe 100 percent without a doubt.  Faith is how the word is manifested; it is how we guide our intent.  The great leaders of humanity have a lot of personal power because they have great faith.  But their faith comes from the heart, not the head.  Their faith comes from love instead of fear, and from wisdom instead of knowledge. 

Humans are powerful creators.  We are born with all the faith of the universe, and everything we create is based on faith.  That faith is really our personal power, but what has happened with our faith?  Your faith is so strong that when you believe "I am never going to be this," thy will be done, you are never going to be that.  if you believe "I cannot do it", thy will be done, you cannot do it.  Whatever you believe, you put your faith in that belief, and your faith will make it true.  

If you have a strong desire to change your book of law, it is goingto happen, but you cannot expect the change to come without crisis.  You are breaking your beliefs, your awareness is expanding, and you are learning to dream in your own way.  As you break all those old beliefs that tell you what isn't possible, incredible things start happening to you because you don't limit yourself anymore.  

YOU DON'T TAKE ON OTHER'S ADDICTIONS, AND YOU DON'T JOIN IN THEIR GOSSIPING.  YOU NO LONGER CARE SO MUCH ABOUT THEIR DRAMA, ABOUT THEIR ANGER, THEIR JEALOUSY, BECAUSE YOU KNOW THEY ARE DREAMING.  AND YOU KNOW THEY DON'T MEAN IT WHEN THEY TELL YOU SOMETHING UNKIND.  

You love and respect yourself so much that you don't allow other people to disrespect you.  You don't judge other people, but you don't accept their poison because accepting their poison is going against yourself.  

WHEN WE BELIEVE WE ARE RIGHT ABOUT SOMETHING, WE ASSUME WE ARE RIGHT ABOUT IT TO THE POINT THAT WE WILL DESTROY RELATIONSHIPS IN ORDER TO DEFEND OUR POSITION.  LET GO OF YOUR NEED TO DEFEND YOUR OPINIONS AND ALWAYS BE RIGHT.

Your opinion is nothing but your point of view.  It is not necessarily true.  Being impeccable with your word is the correct use of your energy; it means to use your energy in the direction of truth and love for yourself. Use the word to share your love.  When you are impeccable with your word, you feel good; you feel happy and at peace.  

DREAMING  

Once we understand that we are dreaming, knowledge doesn't control our faith anymore.  Instead, the opposite happens; our faith controls our knowledge; our faith controls our agreements and beliefs.  We accept that it's our responsibility to change the dream if we don't like it, and we surrender to being responsible.  Then we realize that the point of view other people use to see the world has nothing to do with us.  We don't take anything personally because we know others are dreaming, and it is only their point of view.  We know they are never going to believe what we say anyway unless they change the way they dream.  

We don't expect that people will understand us.  They are ruling their lives by their personal book of law, and they are still comparing notes with everybody else.  We will understand them because we used to be the same way, but they will not understand us.  

At this point, we no longer make assumptions.  We know it is a fact that others are dreaming, and in their minds whatever they say right now can change the next day or the next instant.  How can we make assumptions when we know that everything is changing?  We love them the way they are and respect all the changes in them, or we walk away.  We are no longer attached to the outcome, because we have our faith.  

At this point, our whole life becomes magic.
Miracles happen,
and they happen all the time.   

There is only one thing we can use to guide our actions, reactions, and our interactions with all those dreamers who don't have awareness, and that is our integrity.  Our integrity is who we really are, the totality of our own self.  You need to trust yourself.  You will know that you have recovered your integrity when you feel good, when you feel happy.  Every time you don't feel good, it is the result of a self-judgment, and that judgment is using the book of law to find you guilty.  Now you are ashamed of yourself, and that's why you don't feel good.  

The fourth agreement, ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST, is the engine that moves us forward.  It is the action.  Perhaps you cannot control what is going to happen around you, but you can certainly control your own reaction.  Your reaction is the clue to having a wonderful life.  Why?  Because what makes you happy or unhappy is not what is happening around you, but how you choose to react to it.  If you can learn to change your own reactions, then you can change your habits and routines, change the program, and change your life.  

Let's look at an emotional routine like getting angry.  ANGER IS FEAR WITH A MASK, and at a certain point in your interaction with someone, you were afraid and got angry.  Your anger pushed the other person away, he left you alone, and you found that getting angry worked.  The same situation happened again and again, and anger became a routine.  It became an agreement with yourself that you need anger to be safe.  Later you discover that anger pushes people away even when you don't want it to, and you are alone.  People don't like you because of your anger, but by then you forget why you were angry in the first place.  You don't know why anger has become a normal reaction for you or why every time you are afraid you get angry.  The routine has been repeated thousands of times and it becomes a normal reaction for you; you are conditioned to behave that way.  That is the challenge: to be aware, to change the routine, to change the action.  Again, the first step is always to be aware and to practice awareness until you master awareness.  Without awareness, there is no way for you to change your choices or change your actions. 

The repeated action of using the Four Agreements will break many of the agreements that make life so difficult and unpleasant.  It takes a lot of time and courage because it's easier just to take things personally, make assumptions, and react the way you react all the time.  But that leads you to emotional pain, and your reaction is to send the poison back to other people and increase the drama.  WHEN YOU STOP THE DRAMA AT THE VERY BEGINNING, YOU SOLVE THE PROBLEM RIGHT AWAY, AND THERE IS NOTHING ELSE TO DO AFTER THAT.

The parasite wants us to carry the past with us, and that makes it so heavy to be alive.  When we try to live in the past, how can we enjoy the present? 

Everything that exists is in an eternal transformation.  Everything in nature, all of creation, is changing.  Creation is happening in the moment.  It has no beginning, it has no end; it is ongoing.  Energy is always transforming because it is alive.  Life is what is happening; death is what is not happening.  A moment after something happens, it is already dead.  Whatever happened to us as a child, in school, with friends, in love relationships - whatever was true thirty years ago - is no longer true ... it is true that the memory happened, but it is also true that it is not happening anymore. 

It is gone.  It isn't real.  It's over.

For everything that's taken away, Life gives us something new.  If we become so attached to what's being taken away, we cannot receive the gifts of life ...

Detachment doesn't mean that we stop loving someone or something; it only means we accept that there is nothing we can do to stop the transformation of life.  Detachment is so powerful because when we learn to detach, we respect the forces of nature, which means we also respect the changes in our own life.  As soon as you detach from fear, you detach from the problem, you detach from the outcome, and you are free.  You are floating effortlessly in the stream of life.  When you have no fear, you have no resistance.  And when you have no resistance, the solution to your problem is there in the light, and it comes to you.  The solution to every problem of humanity is in the light.

You are alive, you are free,
and you are powerful.
You are not a victim of your beliefs,
your desires, your society,
or your circumstances.  

The Four Agreements Are:

1.  BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD.  

All the magic you possess is based on your word.  Depending upon how it is used, the word can set you free, or it can enslave you more than you know.  

2.  DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY.  

All people live in their own dream, in their own mind.  Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you.  

3.  DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS.  

We have the tendency to make assumptions about everything.  The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth.  We make an assumption, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing.  

4.  ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST.  

In your everyday moods your best can change from one moment to another, from one hour to the next, from one day to another.  Your best will also change over time.  As you build the habit of the four new agreements, your best will become better than it used to be.  

The Four Agreements are not meant to be a religion, but an enhancement of our faith and beliefs ... a tool to be used to bring out the best in each of us, to uncover our authentic self, to live our best life ...

I read the book ... to improve me ... to inspire me ... but I also learned to listen to other people differently.  It's much easier to really hear what people are saying when I don't take anything they say personally.  They are showing me their view of the world.  I don't assume I know what they are thinking or where their conversation is going.  I just listen to their view of the world.  If I am asked to comment, I am much more careful about the way I answer because I do believe that words have the power to bless and heal as well as curse and destroy.  Sometimes, I amtired.  Sometimes, I am not feeling well.  I am not always my very best, but I can always try to do the best with what I have at the moment. 

Tags: The Four Agreements, healing, hope