Abuse doesn't start with physical violence. An abuser can do just as much damage and establish "his control" by tearing away at your mind and spirit before he ever harms your body.
In the September, 2004 issue of OPRAH Magazine, toward the back is an article about abuse:
Abusive Men: The Red Flags!
- He pushes too far, too fast, planning your future together right away.
- He hates his mother and is nasty to her.
- He wants your undivided attention.
- He must always be in charge.
- He always has to win.
- He breaks promises all the time.
- He can't take criticism and always justifies his actions.
- He blames someone else for anything that goes wrong.
- He's jealous of your close friends, family members, and all other men.
- He always asks you where you went and whom you saw.
- He has extreme highs and lows that are unpredictable.
- He has a mean temper.
- He often says you don't know what you're talking about.
- He makes you feel like you're not good enough.
- He withdraws his love or approval as punishment.
- He pushes you to do things that make you feel uneasy, like taking the day off from work or even breaking the law.
The article in the magazine says ... THESE MEN DON'T COME WITH WARNING LABELS ... That's the TRUTH!!! But that list of red flags is a good place to start! Another book breaks down the abuse:
LOVING HIM WITHOUT LOSING YOU
by Beverly Engel
Ms. Engel breaks down the various forms of abuse and the effect of that abuse.
Emotional Abuse
There are many ways of being abused without anyone laying a hand on you. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones. Whether it is done by constant berating or belittling, by intimidation, by manipulation, or under the guise of "guidance" or "teaching", the results are similar. Eventually, you lose all sense of self and all remnants of personal value.
Domination
Those who have a need to dominate have to have their own way - insisting on making all the decisions, not allowing the other person to have an opinion or speak their mind. Men who dominate also need to be in charge, and because of this they often try to control their partner's every action.
Unreasonable Expectations
When your partner's needs and expectations are unreasonable, you can never win. It is unreasonable for a man to expect that you will put everything aside to satisfy his every whim. It is unreasonable for someone to expect that you will put up with selfishness, constant demands, and ingratitude indefinitely. The more you give him, the more permission you give him to find fault in you!
Verbal Abuse
This behavior involves berating, belittling, criticizing, name-calling, screaming, threatening, blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation. It is extremely damaging to your self-esteem and self-image. Verbal abuse assaults the mind and the spirit, causing wounds that are extremely difficult to heal.
Blaming
A blamer is a person who automatically assumes that whenever something goes wrong it is someone else's fault. This person never admits to being responsible for something or for doing something wrong. He will always justify or rationalize his behavior by trying to convince you that his behavior is an understandable reaction to some deficiency in you, or that he was provoked into doing it by something you did ... Women with a damaged sense of self are especially susceptible to men who blame because they tend to blame themselves so much. It's almost automatic to look to herself first as the cause of problems in her relationships. She is the first to acknowledge her faults and shortcomings and to admit any mistakes she may have made. This gives a blamer ample ammunition to use against her in the future. The next time there is a disagreement, he will bring up her vulnerable as the reasons for his poor behavior.
Constant Criticism
When someone continuously finds fault, can never be pleased, and is unrelentingly critical of you, it is the insidious nature and cumulative effects of the abuse that do the damage. This type of abuse eats away at your self-confidence and sense of worth. Eventually you become convinced that nothing you do is worthwhile, and you may feel like giving up.
Emotional Blackmail
Emotional Blackmail is one of the most powerful forms of manipulation. It occurs when someone either consciously or unconsciously coerces other people into doing what he wants by playing on their fear, guilt, or compassion. Women, in particular, are easily exploited because they tend to place others' wishes and feelings ahead of their own. You are being emotionally blackmailedwhen a man threatens to end a relationship if you don't give him what he wants,or when he rejects you or distances himself from you until you give in to his demands. If your partner gives you the "cold shoulder" whenever he is displeased with you, threatens to leave you, or uses other fear tactics to get you under his control, he is using the tactic of emotional blackmail.
The following are warning signs that you are being emotionally blackmailed:
- Your Partner asks you to choose between something you want to do and him.
- Your partner asks you to give up something or someone as a way of proving your love for him.
- Your partner threatens to leave you if you don't change.
True emotional abuse is distinguished by the following:
- It is constant, as opposed to occasional.
- The intent is to devalue and denigrate rather than to simply state a complaint.
- The intent is to dominate and control rather than to provide constructive criticism.
- The person has an overall attitude of disrespect towards you, rather than just not liking something specific you are doing.
Don't allow your partner to
verbally, emotionally or physically
abuse you.
Verbal abuse includes calling you derogatory names (bitch, whore) or telling you are stupid, ugly, fat or insane.
Emotional abuse is trying to make you think you are crazy, threatening to end the relationship if you don't do as he says, or threatening to hit you if you don't be quiet.
Physical abuse includes hitting, punching, pushing, tripping, or dragging. It also includes breaking down doors, putting his fist through windows, breaking dishes, or throwing things at you.
Tactics of intimidation are forms of abuse, even if he doesn't physically touch you. Don't tolerate these tactics. Call them what they are:
ABUSE.
Just a few days ago, we talked about the cycle of abuse:
The Cycle of Violence & Abuse
by Uzma Mazhar
Abuse or physical violence is a recurring cycle.
Wooing (tension building) Phase:
Most relationships are rarely violent from the beginning as there is no cumulative stress between partners. Both are on their best behavior and trying to impress each other.
As the relationship continues, the demands, expectations and stress increases. At this phase violence is directed toward objects rather than the partner: punching doors, kicking furniture, throwing objects, breaking stuff, etc. The abusive behavior is reinforced by a release of tension following this aggressive action. Aggressive behavioris a maladaptive coping mechanism to release tension and stress.
The violence then moves from objects to spouse and there is an increase in verbal abuse: yelling, screaming, increased arguments, insults, name-calling, etc. and in general tends to become more critical of the victim.
The attacked partner (or victim) begins to alter his/her behavior to stop the verbal abuse and/or the physical violence. The partner works harder at keeping the house cleaner, the children quieter, helping more with chores, staying home more often, etc ... anything to not get the abuser angry or to trigger another outburst.
The victim has bought into the belief that he/she is the cause of the abuser's anger. The verbal, emotional and/or physical abuse continues to escalate. The victim tends to pull away from the abusive spouse and feels responsible for the abuse, often blaming themselves, feeling inadequate and a failure.
The abuser's control starts becoming more pervasive, and spills over into all aspects of the victim's life. He/she may become obsessively jealous and tries to control most of the partner's behavior or time: where the partner will go, with whom, how they should dress and will even forbid the partner from seeing certain people. The abuser isolates the partner from family and friends. Emotional manipulation and black-mailing the partner into believing that if they loved them, they would not need others, or that since they are married their place is with each other ... even to the exclusion of sharing any 'private' stuff with family or close friends. Insisting that they should keep their personal life private and to maintain secrecy. Having effectively cut off any reality-checking that he/she could do if she shared his/her problem with family or friends.
The victim tends to feel that nothing they do is good enough for the abuser, that they are walking on eggshells and feels powerless to stop the next beating and/or explosion. They start doubting their ability to discern right from wrong.
The abuser believes that the victim should be able to make them feel better if they changed, they blame the victim for making them feel miserable and deny that they are hurt, frustrated, disappointed and insecure. The abuser feels powerless and stuck, yet unwilling to look at themselves, it does not occur to them that the problem may be with them.
Active (abuse or acute) Phase:
Typically, the abuser makes a choice about his/her violence before the incident ... choosing the place and time, deciding what fight to pick, how and which part of the body to hit. The pattern of abuse is so well established that they know what button to push and what reaction they will get. They know what will escalate the situation. It has become a well choreographed dance.
The victim being unprepared for the incident, is shocked at where it came from and is terrified, ashamed, humiliated, degraded and angry. The victim tends to wrongly blame themselves for the violence.
The abuser feels out of control, tries to prove to himself that he/she is in control and does so by abusing the victim. The abuser blames the victim for their loss of control, their violent outburst and believes that the victim instigated it. They usually believe that the abuse solved the problem.
The Morning After (remorse or honeymoon) Phase:
This phase is also called the 'Honeymoon Phase'. I prefer calling it the Morning After Phase as it has characteristics similar to the disoriented hangover of a drunk, and the guilt after a one night stand. This phase is characterized by shame and guilt-provoked resolve to change, with promises of neverabusing again and begging for forgiveness.
At this stage the abuser feels temporarily in control, takes some responsibility for his/her behavior, giving the partner hope for change. Even though the abuser is afraid of the intensity of their own anger and that the victim will leave them, they minimize the abuse and want to avoid dealing with it.
Unfortunately however, usually there is no intervention, neither seek to follow up on the promises and resolves. The relationship continues and with every such cycle the possibility that the violence will escalate and the severity increase will get greater.
Unless the abuser receives help in learning how to deal with stress and anger, this phase will only last a period of time. The stress and tension will again begin to increase and the cycle repeat itself.
And the cycle continues ... As the pattern gets more established, the phases get shorter and shorter, and the abuse gets more severe and violent.
Okay ... you are willing to say
if only to yourself,
that you are being abused ...
Now what?
Get the September, 2004 article if you can or check out the link below. I wrote last week about choices you can make and things you can do. If any of that
Getting Out Safely
An EXCELLENT resource is the:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
800-799-SAFE
which provides 24-hour crisis intervention and referrals to local services. You can also look in the government pages of the phone book, ask at the hospital, or call 911 to find agencies and shelters in your area.
If you phone a lawyer, shelter, hotline, or service agency, hang up and immediately dial the local time or some other innocuous number so that your partner can't use *69 or the redial button to trace the call. If you have caller ID, make sure to erase all incoming numbers that could tip him off.
You should also be careful going on the Internet. It's safest to use a computer your partner doesn't have access to (at work, the public library). Otherwise, cover your tracks by deleting "cookies"(once you're online, go to the Help box, click on Index, and find Cookies for instructions) and recently visited Web sites (you'll need to clear your History list and empty your Cache files again, go to Help option for details).
Most of all, take care of yourself ... one day at a time. It won't be easy, especially at first ... but keep going. It will get easier. The further you get away from the constant name calling, nagging, demeaning, complaining, bad moods and foul temper tantrums ... the easier it is to keep going!
It's been over 2 years since I was actively involved in this abusive relationship. My former abuser still IMAGINES that he actually rescues his victims from an even worse fate than his treatment of us and he only "corrected" any of us "for our own good". Aydan see himself as a "good, honest man" who has had to teach us women the difference between right and wrong, as in ... he is ALWAYS RIGHT and we are ALWAYS WRONG!
It is such a RELIEF to have outgrown that place ... BUT just because I am stronger does NOT mean that I will allow myself to let down my guard down where he is concerned. People either get better or they get worse. Every time he abuses a woman, he goes a little further. I consider him armed and dangerous. He is too easily provoked!
The best I can do for myself and my family is take care of me. The best thing you can do to take care of yourself and your family is ...
Take care of YOU !!!
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