Has he changed or is it wishful thinking?
Since going back to your partner is such a big decision, you have to evaluate it carefully. You can't act too hastily or you may regret it later. Here are some questions to ask yourself:
1. Why are you thinking about going back?
Try to be honest with yourself. Is it for money? For the children? For the security? Because you are lonely? Or because you really love your partner and feel you can live with him? If so, are you willing to be hurt again? IF HE HURT YOU ONCE, HE WILL HURT YOU AGAIN - unless he makes the commitment to change and proves it by going for help on his own. If you are lonely, or feel overwhelmed by money or child rearing problems, you may yearn for the comfort zone - you know what is expected of you and what will happen. Are you afraid of the unknown? These aren't good reasons for trying to make an abusive relationship work. If you return before he makes changes, you are telling him it is okay for him to keep hurting you!
2. Why is he thinking about getting back together with you?
Is he trying to seduce you back? Buying you presents? Doing things for you that he has never done before? Making a lot of promises and telling you how much he loves and needs you? He may mean the promises when he makes them, but he cannot keep them, he doesn't know how. Is it because he genuinely loves you and is willing to make a real commitment to living nonviolently? Is he open to change himself? To get counseling for his problems? If he still blaming something or someone else for his violence, then he is still denying the problem and will revert back to same abusive behavior as soon as you return. He may simply be determined to win back to meet his own needs and to regain control over you. Is he telling you he will change, quit drinking or taking drugs, get a job, stay home more often - "if you will come back first?" His main goal right now is to regain control over you, and if promises don't work, he will probably turn to make threats toward you, your children, family or friends. Many abusers even threaten to hurt or kill themselves.
3. Has he changed?
You so much want to believe that your partner has changed that you come to believe he has. Did he say he would change for you? Did he say he knows that he has a problem? He may realize that he has a problem and still do nothing to get help. You had better tread carefully. While people can change to some degree, they can't change for you. If you return home now, he may seem like he has changed. Things may go great for a while because both of you are in the Honeymoon Phase (see Cycle of Violence), but without professional help the violence will begin again, you just don't know when. Remember, even with counseling, it will take a long time, maybe years, for him to learn to be nonviolent.
4. Why did you leave?
When you are thinking about going home, you don't usually think about the reason that caused you to leave in the first place. But they are important to face because the same problems you had will come up again. If he has hit you once, he will hit you again. If you left because he was abusing you, chances are the abuse will be worse when you return. If he has an alcohol or drug problem, make excuses for him, or cover up for him, you are enabling him to continue his violent behavior.
5. Are you returning because you want to win?
Do you want to prove you can get him back so you don't feel so rejected? So that you can feel in control for a while? if you want to go back but haven't made any steps towards getting help, see if you can remain in the "just thinking" phase for a while. Stay separated for a while to give yourself time to get help and adjust and to give him time to prove that he is really serious about getting help. You may long for the security of your relationship now, but two weeks from now, when things are looking up, you may be delighted by your independence. Often these longings for the relationship have less to do with your feelings for him than your needs for security and familiarity. And these may change.
Article provided with permission and courtesy of:
Middle Way House, Inc.
P.O. Box 95, Bloomington, IN 47402 ~ 812-336-0846
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