What did I learn from reading about the Abuser, the Narcissist, the Sociopath ... and ... the Co-dependent?
I learned that there's a better chance than not that we all grew up in similar homes! Of course, very few of us had perfect childhoods, but if one or both of our parents abused alcohol or drugs, themselves, or us ... if our primary care givers were emotionally absent because of their own addictions, illnesses or some other major crisis so that they couldn't or wouldn't give us the emotional support and nurture that all healthy children MUST have ... the children all learned the same thing.
We learned that the world wasn't a nice place, life wasn't fair and the people we love are going to let us down.
That kind of environment is PERFECT for creating extreme reactions in the children who grow up there.
Some of those children learn to hate life so much, they became just like the person they hate! They believe that the world is a cruel place and everything about it is a sham. They learned early to distance themselves from their own feelings by "play acting". They pretend the world is much better than they really think it is. They pretend that they are much better people than they really think they are and they surround themselves with people who will agree with the "play acting" and "pretending". The trouble is that they know it's all play acting, that they are recreating their own version of the very same sham they hate in the first place. They think that anyone who believes that "drivel" must be damaged so how can they be trusted? Just like a little child who builds something out of blocks, sees what he has built, gets disgusted with it and knocks it down, this person spends most of their life, building and rebuilding the "perfect life" but "perfect" never quite works out for them. They eventually become filled with the same poisonous rage as the one who abused them ... becoming abusers themselves ... abusing theirown bodies with alcohol or drugs or gambling or sex and unleashing their anger and rage on anyone who gets close to them.
Some children choose a different fantasy. They want real love from their primary care givers so much, that they tell themselves that if they are just a little nicer and if they do a little bit more and if they try a little harder to please their primary care givers, the primary care givers will see what wonderful children they are and they will be transformed into the loving parents that the child dreams of. They will magically give the child the love they hope for. Of course, that doesn't happen. A child doesn't have a whole lot of influence or control over the adult world they live in, but the child doesn't know that, so that child, still wanting to be loved, tries the plan on other people. They believe that if they can magically change even one person with their love and care, they will get the love they need and prove, once and for all, that they were right to have so much faith, and their belief in a better world will be restored. These children give so much of themselves, they set themselves up to be used over and over again.
There are lots of children who are raised in that same kind of toxic home and they are not affected the same way. Some children are not impacted as much as others. Some children escape into books or sports or music. They "tune out" what is going on around them. They find ways to "escape" the direct impact of the home.
The children who are unable to "tune out" or "escape" are left to find their own ways to deal with the harsh reality of their home. Both reactions are a child's solution. One is "play acting" and the other is "believing in magic". Both choices are unhealthy and perfect examples of addictive thinking.
One child (abuser, narcissist and sociopath) blames the whole world for their pain and they are going to punish the world for being so cruel. The other child (co-dependent) blames themselves and they are going to do everything humanly possible to bring love to their world. Neither path is a healthy one. Both reactions are an attempt to control the world around them.
Those children grow up and become adults who continue to act out their original plan over and over again. They may learn a few "tricks" along the way, but nothing they learn can change the inevitable outcome of either plan.
Over and over again, their attempts to control their world fail. They do not find the love they are looking for. They don't do it through "play acting" and "magic thinking". They have to learn new ways of relating to the world.
The old ways will not work. The old ways only bring more heartache and pain. We all face the same choice. We can stay the same or we can change the way we do things.
Change ???
Changing who we are and how we react to the world is not easy. Old habits die hard! After a lifetime of banging my head against the same brick wall, I decided to walk around it and move past it! Some people imagine themselves scaling that wall and moving past it. Some people imagine themselves knocking down that wall and moving past it. Whether you walk around it, climb it or knock it down isn't the point.
GETTING PAST IT is the point.
There are so many ways to reprogram ourselves. Some ways may "feel right" for you. Some ideas may inspire you. I have looked at the 12-Steps for Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12-Steps for Co-Dependents, but recently I came across this version of the 12-Steps:
Step 1"We admitted we were powerless over our most troublesome sins – that our lives had become unmanageable."
Who cares to admit complete defeat? Admission of powerlessness is the first step in liberation. Relation of humility and a practical freedom from our sin. Mental obsession plus physical addiction. Why must every sinner hit bottom?
Step 2"Came to believe that the Power of God, not our own power, could restore us to sanity."
What can we believe in? Our spirit reaches out for God, and the Twelve Steps helps us to believe, and to come to know Him. Importance of an open mind. There are variety of ways believers come to know there Savior. Plight of the disillusioned. Roadblocks of indifference and prejudice. Lost faith found in Messiah. Problems with intellectuality and self-sufficiency. Negative and positive thinking. Self-righteousness. Defiance is an outstanding characteristic of addictive personalities. Right relation to God.
Step 3"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."
Step three is like the opening of a locked door. How shall we let God into our lives? Willingness is the key. Dependence as a means to independence . Dangers of self-sufficiency. Turning our will over to God. Misuse of willpower. Sustained and personal exertion necessary to conform to God's will.
Step 4"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."
How instincts can exceed their proper function. Step Four is an effort to discover our liabilities. Basic problem of extremes in instinctive drives. Misguided moral inventory can result in guilt, grandiosity, or blaming others. Assets can be noted with liabilities. Self-justification is dangerous. willingness to take inventory brings light and new confidence. Step Four is beginning of lifetime practice. Common symptoms of emotional insecurity are worry, anger, self-pity, and depression. Inventory reviews relationships. Importance of thoroughness.
Step 5"Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."
Twelve Steps deflate ego. Step Five is difficult but necessary to achieve a practical freedom from sin and a peace of mind. Confession is an ancient discipline. Without fearless admission of defects, few could achieve the freedom sought. What do we receive from Step Five? Beginning of true kinship with man and God. Lose sense of isolation, receive forgiveness and give it; learn humility; gain honest and realism about ourselves. Necessity for complete honesty. Danger of rationalization. How to choose the person in whom to confide. Results are tranquility and consciousness of God. Oneness with God and man prepares us for following Steps.
Step 6"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defect of character."
Step Six necessary to spiritual growth. The beginning of a lifetime job. Recognition of difference between striving for objective – and perfection. Why we must keep trying. "Being ready" is all-important. Necessity of taking action. Delay is dangerous. Rebellion may be fatal. Point at which we abandon limited objectives and move toward God's will for us.
Step 7"Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings."
What is humility? What can it mean to us? The avenue to true freedom of the human spirit. Necessary aid to survival. Value of ego-puncturing. Failure and misery transformed by humility. Strength from weakness. Pain is the admission price to new life. Self-centered fear chief activator of defects. Step Seven is change in attitude which permits us to move out of ourselves toward God.
Step 8"Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."
This and the next two Steps are concerned with personal relations. Learning to live with others is a fascination adventure. Obstacles: reluctance to forgive; non-admission of wrongs to others; purposeful forgetting. Necessity of exhaustive survey of past. Deepening insight results from thoroughness. Kinds of harm done to others. Avoiding extreme judgments. Taking the objective view. Step Eight is the beginning of the end of isolation.
Step 9"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."
A tranquil mind is the first requisite for good judgment. Good timing is important in making amends. What is courage? Prudence means taking calculated chances. Amends begin when we receive Messiah, the Christ. Peace of mind cannot be bought at the expense of others. Need for discretion. Readiness to take consequences of our past and to take responsibility for well-being of others is spirit of Step Nine.
Step 10"Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it."
Can we stay free from our tendency to sin and emotional balance under all conditions? Self-searching becomes a regular habit. Admit, accept, and patiently correct defects. Emotional hangover. When past is settled with, present challenges can be met. Varieties of Inventory. Anger, resentments, jealousy, envy, self-pity, hurt pride – all lead to acting out sin. Self-restraint first objective. Insurance against "big-shot-ism." Let's look at credits as well as debits. Examination of motives.
Step 11"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."
Meditation and prayer main channels to God and His Saving Power. Connection between self-examination and meditation and prayer. An unshakable foundation for Life. How shall we meditate? Meditation has no boundaries. An individual adventure. First result is emotional balance. What about prayer? Daily petitions for understanding of God's will and grace to carry it out. Actual results of prayer are beyond question. Rewards of meditation and prayer.
Step 12"Having had a spiritual awakening (new-birth or revival) as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and practice these principles in all our affairs."
Joy of living is the theme of the Twelfth Step. Action its keyword. Giving that asks no reward. Love that has no price tag. What is spiritual awakening? A new state of consciousness and being is received as a free gift. Readiness to receive gift lies in practice of Twelve Steps. The magnificent reality. Rewards of helping other believers. Kinds of Twelfth Step work (discipling). Problems of Twelfth Step work.
What about the practice of these principles in all our affairs? Monotony, pain, and calamity turned to good use by practice of Steps. Difficulties of practice. "Two-stepping." Switch to "twelve stepping" and demonstrations of faith. Growing spiritually is the answer to our problems Placing spiritual growth first. Domination and over-dependence. Putting our lives on give-and-take basis.
Dependence upon God necessary to recovery and healing.
"Practice these principles in all our affairs": Domestic relations in the body of Christ. Outlook upon material matters changes. So do feelings about personal importance. Instincts restored to true purpose. Understanding is key to right attitudes, right actions key to good living.
It doesn't have to be overwhelming. Break it down. Don't worry so much about doing everything at once. Just take one step at a time. There is no time limit. No one else can tell you how much time it will take you to heal. Spend as much time on each step as you have to. When you feel like you have gotten that one down, move to the next one.
Choosing to walk those 12-Steps is called RECOVERY. Recovery is a roller coaster ride. There will be ups and downs. Choosing recovery is choosing life. If we were able to chart our recovery, it would look like another sign of life, a heart rate chart ... with occasional wild swings in either direction!
Recovery is a life-long pursuit. I wasted a lifetime doing things that didn't work. I am happy to spend the rest of my life committed to learning how to make my life a happier place for me to live! Before, I was never really happy. Now, I am learning to be truly happy. Sure, I have a few down days, but a few down days every now and then is way better to a lifetime of bad days!
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