Learning To Live And Love Again
The two deepest desires most people have are: to love and be loved, and to believe they are worthwhile and know someone else believes that also. I have also heard this phrased more simply, with one item added: To be happy we need someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to.
For many of us, that means we have to learn to do things differently, because the ways we have gone about getting our needs met haven't worked. I believe as we get healthier, love will be different. I believe love will be better, perhaps better than ever before, if we let it and if we insist on it.
I don't think love has to hurt as much as it did in the past. I don't think we have to allow love to hurt us as much as it has. We certainly don't have to let it destroy us. As one woman put it, "I am sick of letting men work out their unfinished business in my life!" It's not God's will that we stay miserable and stay in miserable relationships. That's something we are doing to ourselves. We don't have to stay in relationships that cause pain and misery. We are free to take care of ourselves. We can learn to leave destructive relationships and enjoy the good ones.
I believe God allows certain people to come into our lives. But I also believe we are responsible for our choices and behaviors in initiating, maintaining, and discontinuing these relationships when appropriate.
If we believe we are important,
we are free to set our own goals
and
reach for our dreams.
The good things probably won't happen without some struggle and pain, but at least we will be struggling and stretching for something worthwhile, instead of simply suffering.
It's okay to succeed, to have good things, and to have loving relationships that work. These things may not come easily or naturally. That's okay. That's how growth feels. If it feels too comfortable, too natural, or too easy, we're not growing and we're not doing anything different.
Much of recovery is finding and maintaining balance in all areas of our lives. We need to balance giving and receiving; we need to find a balance between solving problems and learning to live with unsolved problems. Much of our anguish comes from having to live with grief of unsolved problems, and having things not go the way we hoped and expected.
Trust
Co-dependents frequently aren't certain whom or when to trust. We can trust ourselves. We can trust ourselves to make good decisions about whom we trust. Many of us have been making inappropriate decisions about trust. But we can trust people to be who they are. We can learn to see people clearly. Is what they say the same as what they do?
If we pay attention to ourselves and the messages we receive from the world, we will know whom to trust, when to trust, and why to trust a particular person. We may discover we've always known whom to trust ... we just weren't listening to ourselves.
Growing Forward
Some of us may be facing tough decisions, decisions about ending relationships that are miserable and destructive. If the relationship is dead, bury it. We can take our time, work on ourselves, and we will be able to make the right decision when the time is right.
Some of us may try to repair damaged but still alive relationships. Be patient. Love and trust are fragile, living entities. They do not automatically regenerate upon command if they have been bruised. Love and trust do not automatically reappear. Love and trust must be allowed to heal in their own time. Sometimes they heal; sometimes they don't.
Find friends to love, be loved by, and who think we are worthwhile. Use our time alone as a breather. Let go. Learn lessons weare to be learning. Grow. Develop. Work on ourselves, so when love comes along, it enhances a full and interesting life. Strive toward goals. Have fun. Trust God and his timing.
Whatever our situation, we can go slowly. Our hearts may lead us where our heads say we shouldn't go. Our heads may insist we go where our hearts don't want to follow. There are no rules about whom we should or shouldn't love and relate to. We can love whomever we love, however we want to. But slow down and take time to do it in a way that doesn't hurt us. Love from our strengths, not from our weaknesses. I hope we will find people we will enjoy loving - people who enjoy loving us and challenge us to grow.
All the old crazy feelings will come rushing in. Don't be frightened. This is normal. See it through. Don't be ashamed and don't hide. We can pick ourselves up again. We will get through it. Talk to trusted friends; be patient and gentle with ourselves. Just keep doing the things we know we need to do. It will get better. Don't stop taking care of us no matter what happens.
Getting our balance and keeping it once we have found it is what recovery is all about. If that sounds like a big order, don't worry. We can do it. We can learn to live again. We can learn to love again.
~ from Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS ...
- are based on RESPECT.
- you have fun together.
- you both feel like you can be yourself.
- you can have different opinions and interests.
- you listen to each other.
- you trust each other.
- you can both compromise, say sorry, and talk arguments out.
- you don't have to spend all of you spare time together - you can spend time on your own, or with your own friends and family.
Respect Checklist
If you are in a relationship, you must be treated with respect, which means your partner:
- is willing to compromise.
- lets you feel comfortable being yourself.
- is able to admit to being wrong.
- tries to resolve conflict by talking honestly.
- enables you to feel safe being with them.
- respects your feelings, your opinions and your friends.
- accepts you saying no to things you don't want to do.
- accepts you changing your mind.
- respects your wishes if you want to end the relationship.
When someone loves you, you feel valued, respected and free to be yourself. You shouldn't be made to feel intimidated or controlled.
Remember:
- You are important.
- You don't have to match up to anyone's standards except your own.
- You have the right to express your personal, cultural or religious beliefs.
- You have the right to have your own feelings, opinions and friends.
- You deserve love and respect.
Strong women
And
Strong Men
Protect the children,
Tend to the ailing,
Care for the aged,
And in fact,
Reassure the entire world.
- Maya Angelou
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