Recovery starts when we realize that the old ways of doing things don't really work for us anymore. Recovery is a time of reprogramming. It's easy to read a book and see the logic of adopting a new way of doing something and then, life comes rushing in with new challenges ... but this is REAL LIFE and we don't grow in a vacuum!
There are still old triggers, shadows of a darker time ... taking another look at the things in our past and learning from what happened and why it happened. Even now, there is a sadness that will sometimes settle over me.
Everyone has ups and downs. We might be a little tender at the beginning of our healing, but that's okay. We have good days and bad days.
Some days are so good I can almost predict that the next day will be a "valley" day ... Maybe, that's just the way things are? We breath in. We breath out. The sun comes up. The sun goes down. Opposites walking hand in hand toward the place we are going to be.
Do you feel lonely sometimes?
That happens to me. I can be in the middle of a crowd, having a perfectly wonderful time and a thought crosses my mind and, I suddenly feel isolated. I used to feel like I was the only person who ever felt what that way. Do you know that's not true? Other people have those same wistful thoughts ... random thoughts about random things that cross their mind and steal their joy, just for a moment. We are not alone. I used to feel like that only happened to me. Imagine my surprise when I found out it happens to everybody!
I used to feel like no one could understand ... but it was me who couldn't understand. I couldn't always get my mind around some of the things that happened. Sometimes, there just aren't any words for the feelings and moods. Working through new ideas, and finding words for where we are can be lonely in itself ... but no one else can do the work for us. It is up to each of us to make sense out of our experience.
When I really began to put an effort on my own healing and recovery, I had to focus so much attention inward that I didn't always relate to others as easily as I normally would. I was self conscious. I monitored myself. I had to really think about what I was saying and I chose my words much more carefully. It's like remodeling my whole house and having a friend drop by for coffee in the middle of it all. Of course, I would be happy to see my friend but I would also feel distracted and self conscious. Some things just felt so dang awkward!
I had always kept myself very busy taking care of everyone else. Recovery is a time when we have to stop doing for everyone else and attend to our own matters. I never considered my feelings before! When I started paying attention, I was surprised at the things that were going on inside my head! When I shut out the outside world and concentrated on my inside world, I had so many thoughts and feelings that were headed in so many different directions! No wonder, I had to sort things out!
I really missed the feeling that there is some good in everybody ... What a sunny way to look at life!
Now, I know and accept that there are people out there who aren't good at all and they like being that way! Everyone makes their own choices. People just are the way they are. Everyone has their own path and I have mine. Acceptance is a part of healing and recovery.
I also accept that there is something in me that responds profoundly with "the bad boys". It is an addiction. I was addicted to the idea that I could "help-change-fix" those bad boys. They could hook me infaster than anything, but just like an alcoholic has to avoid going to bars to stay sober, I have to avoid those places where I am most likely to get "hooked" in.
Those "unhealthy alliances" were ruining my life. The last one almost killed me!
Sometimes, I got caught up in "wishing" ... I wished all the way back to the beginning. I wished my Dad hadn't drank. I wished my family had been different. I wished I hadn't married so young. I wished I had stayed nearer my folks when I got divorced. I wished I could have been the "fun parent" instead of the "responsible single mom". I wished I had more time to play with my kids instead of taking so much time to provide for them. I wished I had never dated any of those mean guys. I wished I'd never even met Aydan, but all that wishing didn't change a single thing!
It took some work, but I had to accept my past too. I had to forgive myself for my choices and I had to forgive others for the choices they made that hurt me. Acceptance and forgiveness do not come in neat little packages. We get to practice both often in recovery. I would feel like I had totally dealt with something and put it behind me when one of those "passing thoughts" would remind me of one more thing I had to accept as a part of the PAST and forgive myself and the other person.
It takes faith to believe that every experience, every blessing, every heartache will all weave together and make sense one day. We will someday be able to look back and see the plan in all of this. We will feel a thousand feelings between now and then. Some will be the isolating, lonely ones and others will be the all inclusive, totally joyful ones. We will have our fair share of both, but we will be okay.
We survived!
Even when we feel lonely, we are not alone. We are just a small part of a bigger plan. We are on the path we needed to be on to get to the person wewere born to be!
Everything happens for a reason!
Things just are the way they are ... This is a part of healing and recovery. Today could go one way and tomorrow, things might all be different ... maybe, even better?
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