Yesterday, I talked about how abusers, narcissists, sociopaths and co-dependents may have grown up in the same kind of toxic homes. Those families have their own set of rules, their own code of behavior and their own language. The children may have been neglected or abused. Children raised in those families may have felt unspeakable loneliness, isolation, and shame. They learned to cover up their reality and deny their own feelings. The only way to see themselves and their world as "normal" is through ADDICTIVE THINKING ...
I found this book:
Addictive Thinking
by Abraham J. Twerski, M.D.
As always, let me share excerpts:
Many of the features of addictive thinking can be seen in co-dependents as well as addicts because they stem from a similar origin: low self-esteem.
Al-Anon endorses the rule of the Three Cs:
You didn't CAUSE it,
you cannot CONTROL it,
and you cannot CURE it.
The self-deceptive features of addictive thinking and co-dependency have much in common. In both, there are often denial, rationalization, and projection. In both, contradictory ideas can coexist, and there is fierce resistance to change oneself and a desire to change others. In both, there is a delusion of control, and in both there is, invariably, low self-esteem. Thus, all the features of addictive thinking are present in both, and the only distinguishing feature may be the chemical use.
There was laughter when a man suggested that alcoholic thinking is every bit as destructive as alcoholic drinking. To illustrate, the man read the questions from a self-test for alcoholism, substituting the word THINKING for the word DRINKING. Here is what we read:
Are You an Addictive Thinker?
1. Do you lose time from work due to thinking?
2. Is thinking making your home life unhappy?
3. Have you ever felt remorse after thinking?
4. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of thinking?
5. Does your thinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
6. Has your ambition decreased since thinking?
7. Does thinking cause you to have difficulty sleeping?
8. Has your efficiency decreased since thinking?
9. Is thinking jeopardizing your job or business?
10. Do you think to escape worries or troubles?
The point is that even in the absence of chemicals, distorted, addictive thinking wreaks havoc.
Many addictive thinkers come to their conclusions because they reverse ordinary cause and effect. Although addictive thinkers turn logic around, they are absolutely convinced that their logic is valid. They not only resist rational arguments to the contrary, but also they cannot understand why others do not see the "obvious".
An example is: The fact that chemicals usually cause the problems, but the addicted person believes that problems cause chemical use.
The peculiarity of addictive thinking, he says, is the inability to reason with oneself. This can apply to various emotional and behavioral problems, but is invariably found in addiction: alcoholism, other drug addiction, compulsive gambling, sexual addiction, eating disorders, nicotine addiction, and co-dependency.
The three most common elements in addictive thinking are:
1. Denial
2. Rationalization
3. Projection
Denial
The addicted person finds accepting the diagnosis of addiction every bit as devastating as accepting a diagnosis of cancer.
Rationalization
Rationalization means providing "good" reasons instead of the true reason. Like denial, this defense is not exclusive to chemically dependent people, though addicts can be very adept at it. Rationalization also preserves the status quo, making the addict feel it is acceptable not to make necessary changes. This characteristic of addictive thinking can operate long after an addict overcomes denial and becomes abstinent.
Projection
Projection means placing the blame on others for things we are really responsible for ourselves.
1. It reinforces denial
2. It helps preserve the status quo.
Blaming someone else seems to relieve an addict from the responsibility of making changes: "As long as you do this to me, you cannot expect me to change." Since the others are not likely to change, the drinking and the other drug use can continue.
Denial, Rationalization and Projection are all subconscious acts. Addicts, as well as others with psychological problems, may blame their parents for their shortcomings ...
Even if you are what your parents made you, if you stay that way, it's your own darn fault. We're not going to undo the past. Let's focus on making the necessary changes to improve your functioning.
These three major elements of addictive thinking - denial, rationalization, and projection - must be addressed at every stage of recovery.
Addictive Thinking is often also characterized by a rigidity of thought, what we may call "the either/or rule". The addicted person is likely to think in extremes, with little understanding that there is flexibility in resolution of problems.
Morbid Expectations
Some addicted people have a pattern of building to the verge of success and then sabotaging themselves ... It is important to understand the morbid expectations of addictive thinking. There may be no telltale sign that beneath this superficial happiness, the recovering person is thinking, "I can't make it". Sometimes this nagging anticipation becomes so unbearable that the addict thinks, "Oh what the hell, I might as well get it over with", and then precipitates the failure ... Addicts often feel they are walking under a dark cloud of impending doom.
Manipulating Others
There is one characteristic that appears to be generated by chemical addiction: manipulation ... Addicted people develop expertise at manipulating and, over time, this becomes an ingrained character trait ... It takes on a life of its own. The addict manipulates just to manipulate and lies just to lie, even though there may be nothing to gain. Manipulation and lying, instead of being a means to an end, actually become ends in themselves.
Years of addictive thinking and behavior do not melt away overnight.
Guilt and Shame
The main distinction between guilt and shame is this:
1. The guilty person says, "I feel guilty for something I have done.
2. The shame filled person says, "I feel shame for what I am."
Why is the distinction so important? Because people can apologize, make restitution, make amends, and ask forgiveness for what they have done ... but they can do pathetically little about what they are. A person feeling shame doesn't even try, thinking, I cannot change my substance. If I'm made up of inferior material, there is no reason for me to make any effort to change myself. It would be an act of futility. Circumstances that ordinarily cause feelings of guilt in emotionally healthy people bring feelingsof shame to addicts as a kind of short circuit. Guilt might have been undone by making amends, but amends cannot change the defective material addicts feel they are made of.
Twelve Step programs changes shame into guilt.
The program helps addicts understand that they have a disease. While addicts are held fully responsible for their behavior, they are not at fault for having that disease. Addicts are expected to follow their treatment program and be totally abstinent, however, as well as make major changes in their character traits ... they begin to realize that they, too, may be basically a good person.
Omnipotence and Impotence
To some degree, a delusion of omnipotence (feeling one has unlimited power) is present in every addict and co-dependent ... It is a delusion of omnipotence and must be overcome before a recovery person can admit and accept powerlessness, a required First Step in recovery ... IN order to accept a Higher Power, whether it be religious or otherwise, addicts must realize that they are not in control.
Delusions of Grandeur
Along with the delusion of omnipotence, addicts have an attitude and a fantasy of grandiosity, another feature of addictive thinking.
Admitting Errors
Many chemically dependent people have great difficulty admitting they are wrong. They may disagree with this statement, asserting that they would not have the slightest difficulty admitting they were wrong, if that were ever to occur ... Addicts' logical sounding explanations are often only ingenious rationalizations and projections.
Three Phases of Anger
1. Anger when provoked.
2. Reaction to Anger
3. Retention of Anger
Many addicts seem to think that the world is unfair to them. They feel victimized by everyone, and they are angry at everyone, including God. Why me? Why are You doing this to me?
Addicts often feel offended, belittled, and humiliated by everyone. Their families don't love them enough, their friends don't value their companionship enough, they don't get enough recognition from employers for their hard work, and so on. How much is enough? Given the hypersensitivity and the insatiable needs of some people, infinity may not be enough.
While techniques for managing anger are important, getting rid of the distorted thinking that generates the anger would obviously be most helpful.
In recovery, an addict's perceptions undergo a gradual change. With the help of counseling and working the Twelve-Step program, addicts become less self-centered and less exquisitely sensitive. As sobriety progresses, self-esteem improves and they no longer interpret everything as personal, as belittling. They begin to take responsibility for their actions and stop blaming others. Things that used to provoke anger and rage no longer do so.
Sometimes, we may realize that what we thought was harmful to us was actually a blessing in disguise. Or we may realize the common sense of the idea that harboring a resentment is letting someone you don't like live inside your head rent free. Sharing perceptions and feelings with others and getting an objective perspective diminish resentments and may eliminate them altogether. The recovery program recognizes the destructive nature of rage and resentments.
The Confining Wall
Addicts expect to be put down, criticized, or rejected ... Many addicts are self-described loners. Indeed, the only way they can associate with others without discomfort is when they have anesthetized themselves with chemicals. When not under the influence, they may withdraw passively or keep people at a distance by being self-righteous, hypercritical, or obnoxious ... The wall they built for protection thus turns out to be a prison.
Much of the addict's behavior reinforces the isolation. The lying, disappointing, manipulating, resenting, and criticizing behavior causes other people to shun him or her. The anger, self-centeredness, inconsideration, and irresponsibility make the addict's company undesirable. Although addicts act in ways that make other people avoid them, they nevertheless resent the isolation that results. Loneliness becomes more grist for the mill, reinforcing their poor self-image, so addicts try to escape by increasing the use of anesthetizing chemicals, perpetuating a vicious cycle.
Shutting Out Family and Friends
Addicts often find that physical withdrawal is not easily achieved, so behavioral tactics become the only available defense. This often results in abusive behavior toward those the addict loves most: spouse, children, parents, and siblings.
Initially, the addict's expectations of rejection are based on a misperception and become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Because addicts think so poorly of themselves, they think other people will reject them. As the defensive maneuvers increase, the anticipated rejection is no longer a fantasy. People do avoid them, which in turn reinforces their poor self-image. Even if family or friends try to reach a loved one by breaking through the defensive wall or going around it, the addict may panic and reinforce the wall.
When we try to convince addicts of the fallacy of their thinking, it is like telling someone that his or her belief in the law of gravity is a delusion. It is the height of futility to expect an addictive thinker to abandon their concept of reality and accept ours instead.
Growth In Recovery
Recovery is a growth process. Relapse is an interruption of that growth, but relapse does NOT mean going back to square one. After two years or twelve years of recovery, a person who relapses may feel back at rock bottom (square one). This conclusion is mistaken, and can negatively affect recovery. Many people who relapse have thought, "What's the use? I tried and it doesn't work. I might as well give up the fight."
This is how we can view relapse. Regardless of it's pain, relapse is not a regression back to square one. The progress made up to the point of the relapse can't be denied. An addict who relapses must start from that point and, as with the icy slip, be even more alert to those things that can cause relapse.
Any recurrence of what we have come to recognize as addictive thinking may be a prelude to relapse. Prompt detection of the addictive thinking and reinstitution of healthy thinking may help avoid the relapse.
Every aspect of recovery is subject to growth. Accepting life on it's own terms, accepting powerlessness, surrendering to a Higher Power, taking and sharing a moral inventory, making amends ... all those things take place gradually. A person who has been recovering for several years may look back on early recovery and see how much there was to learn, how far he or she has come ...
Addictive thinkers may think they deserve to rest after their strenuous effort in treatment, but this kind of thinking can even lead to relapse. Hurdles in the path are inevitable, and it is realistic to expect them in recovery.
Ridiculous Explanations, Sensible Solutions
When we see addictive people behave irrationally, we are often so stunned that we don't know how to react ... Addictive thinking exists and operates in every addicted person and, to a greater or lesser degree, in their significant others.
Since you are reading this book (and this journal), you are, in some way or another, concerned about (or connected to) addiction. As such, you may be vulnerable to addictive thinking. Check this out with someone who can take a more objective look at your life. With the help of another, you will be better able to clarify your own reality.
Addictive Thinking
by Abraham J. Twerski, M.D.
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