After several years, I am actually glad that things ended the way they did ... Aydan abused me mentally, emotionally and physically before the last time, but it took something that extreme for me to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Because of how severe Aydan's actions were, I had all the worst symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress ...
Symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome:
- Anxiety
- Avoiding anything that reminds the survivor of the incident
- Insomnia
- Recurrent memories, or flashbacks of the trauma
- Irritability
- Difficulty concentrating or focusing
- Feeling numb
- Hyper-vigilance (feeling "on guard" all the time)
- Survivor guilt
- Lack of interest in family, friends or hobbies
Nightmares - Jumpiness (especially at loud or sudden noises)
Restlessness - They may also suffer from depression, blame themselves or become suicidal
- Overwhelming emotions
- Feeling as though they are "going crazy"
- Fear "something bad" will happen
- Difficulty sleeping
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a normal reaction to being victimized, abused, or put in a life-threatening situation with few means of escape ...
Some survivors report feeling as if they are choking, drowning, or "falling apart" ...
No self-help book, regardless of its quality, is a substitute for individual counseling or other forms of in-depth help. You will probably need the assistance of caring friends, other survivors, and qualified professionals in understanding and meeting the challenges the trauma has thrust upon you.
Healing
I didn't have any choice but to get to a safe place and get help! I was having panic attacks, I couldn't sleep at night, and if I slept at all, I had horrible nightmares. I was afraid to even go to the grocery store. I couldn't stop crying. I avoided everybody and literally became a prisoner in my own home. Everything triggered extreme reactions. Violent News Stories would cause panic attacks. TV Shows with happy endings would leave me sobbing uncontrollably because I was so afraid of how "my story" might end.
I made an appointment with the best therapist in town. I knew therapy wouldn't be cheap, but I also knew I didn't have much choice. My life was at a standstill. I was practically agoraphobic. I knew I needed help.
Dr. Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. wrote in The Betrayal Bond - Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships ...
Betrayal can bring forth every issue, secret and unfinished business a person has, all of which are important ... To cope with your abuse, you may have minimized the impact the abuse had on your life. Now is the time to recognize the abuse for what it was. Know that it was not your fault, and recognize you're powerlessness over it.
Dr. Carnes is right ... Every issue, secret and unfinished business ... I had ever tucked away landed squarely at my doorstep, demanding to be dealt with. I was surprised at the amount and degree of thoughts and feelings that were there!
Somebody gave me a pamphlet produced by the South Carolina Department of Public Safety:
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
Be patient with yourself.
- Give yourself time to heal.
- You have experienced a trauma; It takes time to return to a pre-trauma level of functioning.
- You may experience a setback. Remember that you have been through an experience that your mind is struggling to understand. It is common for people to make progress and then feel they have taken several steps back. You may continue to gain ground.
- You are still capable of doing all the things you did before you were assaulted. It may feel impossible, but you will succeed!
- You are not to blame for the assault. Your attacker chose to hurt you; you did not ask to be hurt.
- Eat healthy foods.
- Get plenty of rest.
- Set limits.
- Spend time with people who are supportive and understanding.
- Take care of medical symptoms.
- Journal.
- Give yourself permission to grieve.
- Sexual Assault Advocate.
You are not to blame.
You will heal and move past this moment.
You will not always feel sad.
But, I couldn't deal with any of it until I felt safe.
Safety
Making your home safer after your abuser leaves:
- Change the locks on your doors and windows.
- Install an alarm system.
- Add window bars.
- Install smoke detectors and fire extinguishers.
- Put up motion detector lights outside.
- If you feel comfortable, tell your boss and co-workers. Your office may set up a safety policy.
- Post your protection order.
- Tell your co-workers to call the police if they see your batterer at the workplace.
- Show them his picture.
- Ask co-workers not to tell where you are if anyone they don't know comes to the workplace or calls.
- Ask someone to screen your calls.
- Keep your office locked if you can.
- Plan an escape route if your partner comes to work.
- Work when other people are there, never alone.
- Vary your route and the times you go to work.
- Vary or change any routine your partner may be familiar with.
- Change grocery stores, banks (or the branch you normally go to) and day cares.
- Go out during the busiest times.
- Have people you trust walk you to and from your car.
- Take someone with you.
- Carry a whistle.
- Take a self defense class.
- Program the police, help line or friend on your cell phone.
- Keep it with you at all times.
Guns
If discussions about guns bother you, you may want to skip this section and go on to the next.
I was afraid that IF Aydan came to my house, he would come armed, so I armed myself. I bought several shotguns and a few handguns. Let's talk for a minute about guns. I realize that there are a lot of opinions about gun control and there are some very good and quite intelligent people on both sides of the argument. I had grown up in a house full of hunters so I had been around guns all my life, but after Aydan threatened me with that shotgun, I had so much fear. Up until that point, guns were for putting food on the table and target practice, but I certainly had never considered myself or any other human being a potential target!
I knew that having a gun didn't make me safe. Too many women (and men) get shot by their own guns! It only takes a few seconds of hesitation on our part for a criminal to cross the room, take the gun away from us and use it against us. I wasn't sure I would really ever be able to shoot anyone so I took gun classes and weapons training. I practiced shooting several guns. I even loaded them in the dark, making myself familiar with the safety and the way they worked. I got a concealed weapons permit. I took advanced gun classes.
I got familiar with the gun laws in my state and the most important thing I learned was this: If your life is threatened, you must mentally decide ahead of time what you will do. You must ask yourself ahead of time WHO AM I WILLING TO DIE FOR? WHO AM I WILLING TO KILL FOR? WHO AM I WILLING TO GO TO JAIL FOR? For me, all three of those questions come with very short lists. Most people who use a weapon to shoot and kill an assailant, even in self-defense, will spend 250,000-dollars defending themselves and tie up, at least, seven years of their life in the courts, even if they are in the right.
Was Aydan worth that to me? Not really. So what was my alternative with Aydan and my alternative now with anyone else? I will not go looking for trouble with anyone. I have no wish to "duke it out" in an old western gun battle! I am not John Wayne or Clint Eastwood! I will safeguard my home to the best of my ability, and if those safeguards fail, I will shoot and kill anyone who enters my house to do bodily harm to me or anyone in my home. God help us all.
I know that not everyone will agree with that opinion and that's okay. I have been threatened by a gun and felt the need to responsibly protect myself from that ever happening again.
WARNING TO ALL THE BAD GUYS: You should know that good people will not tolerate your bad behavior indefinitely. You can keep going down that same road, terrorizing loved ones and strangers alike, but one day, you will run into someone who has armed themselves against the likes of you and your reign of terror will end. God help us all.
Guns are not a part of any recommended safety plan. For one thing, no non-profit organization wants to be sued for recommending it! I am not recommending it to anyone either. I think that arming yourself has to be a personal choice. I would not make that decision for anyone else. I would not blame or judge anyone who chose to arm themselves or to not arm themselves. If you are considering gun ownership, be responsible. Take gun classes and become very familiar with your weapon before you ever put the first bullet in it or fire the first round. If you are unwilling to become an educated gun owner, I would prefer that you carry a stick or a rock. That will limit the damage that can be done to you by criminals who are very familiar with your weapon, no matter what that weapon is.
Taking Control Of My Life
If the relationship with Aydan had "faded away" like I had once hoped it would, I might not have gotten help at all. I could have gone on telling myself "I could handle it" indefinitely, and without changing the way I was, I would be destined to repeat the same pattern ... over and over again.
What do I mean by "pattern"? When Aydan's abuse began, I did all the things most victims do. I made excuses for him. I down-played Aydan's abuse and my own feelings about his abuse. I even blamed myself. I thought that if I just worked a little harder and loved him a little bit more, he would be magically changed by all that undeserved love and affection! That is not real life! That didn't work for me and it won't work for anybody else!
The terror of Aydan and the gun was life threatening but so was my extreme reaction to it! Either could have taken me down. Both were enough to send me into complete and total recovery where I had no choice but to face my issues and deal with them.
Now, many years later, it is almost unimportant what started me on the journey as long as I started! I know now that I was a victim long before I ever met Aydan. Other people had abused me ... in lesser ways. They had all left their mark on my heart and my spirit but most of those marks are gone! Those marks are healed and replaced with healthier stuff. I am a better, stronger woman than I ever pretended to be.
Today, I am grateful and hopeful. I am a survivor.
Survivor's Psalm
I have been victimized.
I was in a fight that was not a fair fight.
I did not ask for the fight.
I lost.
There is no shame in losing
Suchfights.
I have reached the stage of survivor
And
Am no longer a slave of victim status.
I look back with sadness
Rather than hate.
I look forward with hope
Rather than despair.
I may never forget,
But
I need not constantly remember.
I was a victim.
I am a survivor.
© Frank Ochberg, MD
From Dr. Ochberg's EXCELLENT web-site: Gift From Within
No comments:
Post a Comment