It's hard to forgive people who are unforgivable, and even harder to forgive people who have wronged you and don't think they have done anything wrong ... but the principle is the same, no matter who you are trying to forgive.
Forgiveness frees YOU.
Sheila Heen, author of Difficult Conversations, said it very well when she said, "Although forgiveness might have been something you have done for others, it's something you really do for yourself. You have two choices: You can forgive, which will positively effect your own happiness, well-being and future relationships. Or ... you can let the hurt and anger inflicted on you continue to dominate your life. It's YOUR choice. Really."
Forgiveness is a complicated, difficult, and messy process.
Forgiveness can be the greatest challenge you face, because, while you're healing, it may be something you have to do over and over ... When you think of something that they said or did, go ahead and think about it for a minute, realize that it said more about them and their outlook on life than it ever said about you and the unique individual that you are, and then, let it go. It happened to you but IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A PART OF WHO YOU ARE NOW.
I can forgive and keep my conscience clear or I can let his RAGE do me permanent harm by letting it become a part of my life and who I am. Aydan won a small victory when he abused me. He sure showed me! BUT that insignificant victory is pretty hollow if it didn't do me permanent damage, and I won't let him beat me twice! No matter what he did to me ... no matter what your abuser did to you ... it doesn't "touch" our spirits, unless we let it.
We can hold the other person accountable. We can hold the other person responsible. But it is not our responsibility to be judge and jury. Walk away. Stop playing the game. Unhook. Learn your lesson. Thank the other person for having taught you something valuable. And be finished with it. Put it behind, with the lesson intact. Acceptance helps.
Robin Norwood (author of WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH) shared an idea that worked the BEST for me:
Every time he came into my thoughts,
I would pray
as sincerely as I could for his highest good.
Period.
Even if it's taken you years to get over relationships before, you'll be amazed at how quickly you'll HEAL when you take this approach.
NO ONE CAN TELL YOU HOW LONG
HEALING WILL TAKE.
Some people get over things more quickly than others. I want the lesson from this experience to last the rest of my life! Of course we will feel sadness, anger, disappointment, revenge, pain, rejection, self doubt and all the other feelings we'd like to skip over, but go ahead and feel those things ... Feel the full impact. We can trust the inner workings of our spirits and our hearts. The deeper we feel any emotion, the deeper we feel all emotions.
It's as if feeling all those negative things CLEARS THE AIR AND OPENS OUR HEARTS, MAKING ROOM FOR THE "GOOD EMOTIONS" ... the ones we have longed our whole lives for! I am surprised at how good it feels to LAUGH! I feel a PEACE that runs much deeper than surface now. I am more THANKFUL and more GRATEFUL for my family and friends. I LOVE from a different place than I used to. I HELP from a different place than I used to. It is as though all those really negative, awful things burned away parts of me that were holding me back.
I'm FREE! I can soak up the sun, smell the flowers,and listento the birds sing. One day at a time, I earned the right to soak up my own sunshine and smell my own flowers. Can you hear the birds? They're singing for me! They're singing for you too! This is my life. This is your life. It's the only one we have.
I just found another article on Forgiveness at a web-site listed below the article. The web-site has several good articles and an excellent presentation on color therapy. I have shown some examples of the color therapy too, which might be fun to try?
Forgive and ...
Forgiveness is a practice we all know we "should" do... but secretly, we fear we'll either become vulnerable or be perceived as a wimp. After all, So-and-So doesn't "deserve" my forgiveness after what he/she/they did. And won't forgiving them just encourage them to do it again? I'll hang on to my righteous indignation, thank you very much.
But what does hanging on to all those old grudges really do? Nothing to the person you're upset with .... but plenty to you. Carrying around a burden of hurts and gripes saps your energy. It stresses you out, makes you bitter and cuts down on the joy of living. People with chronic anger have been shown to experience more health difficulties, like heart problems. Yep, you'll show them who's right ... by having a stroke in the middle of the mall.
Forgiveness is healing to the body and the mind. It doesn't mean you're a wimp, and it doesn't mean the other person was "right." The trick is to forgive the person, not the actions. Realize that we're all on a path of learning. Whatever was done to you was done out of ignorance (primarily emotional); it's in the past and hopefully you've learned something from it. Let it go and move forward. Forgiveness actually makes you stronger, because you're not wrestling with the burdens of the past.
Remember that forgiveness isn't something you learn overnight. Don't get down on yourself if you can't bring yourself to let go of every wrong ever done to you in one fell swoop. Be patient and start small. If someone cuts you off during the morning commute, instead of ruining your day by cursing them out, consider that they're in a hurry and probably didn't think.
For the bigger issues, there are many different techniques. One that provides an immediate sense of perspective is to meditate upon a spiritual figure that means a lot to you: Jesus, Buddha, Ghandi, Mother Teresa, whomever. Think about how much they accomplished in their lives through the act of forgiving others. Then picture your own heart opening to the person who hurt you, allowing understanding for their actions to flow through you.
You can also mentally picture the transgressor in your mind, then see them as a small child who literally "didn't know better." Envision yourself with them, then surround both of you with white light. Hear yourself saying to them, "I realize you didn't know any better at the time, and I forgive you." Step out of the bubble, and release it into the sky.
Another option is to write a letter about your anger. Pour out every thought, feeling and hurt on paper. Don't worry about the handwriting or the grammar -- just get it out. Once the emotions are spent, burn the letter. As the paper goes up in flames, concentrate on letting the incident go with it.
Learning to forgive is not only good for your spirit, it's good for your body. Clearing out the emotional debris clears a space for wonderful new things to enter and lightens the load on the road of life.
Source: New Choices in Natural Healing
The article "Forgive and ..." and the pictures below can be found at:
http://www.coloringtherapy.com/ndex.html
Happiness is for those who have cried,
For those who have hurt,
For those who have searched,
And
For those who have tried,
For only they can appreciate the importance
Of people who have touched their lives.
When you were born,
You were crying and everyone around you
Was smiling.
Live your life so that when you die,
You're the one who is smiling
And
Everyone around you is crying.
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