Yesterday, the article about "going back" said something about "the cycle of abuse". If you have lived in abuse for very long at all, you may have felt like your life was going around in circles lots of times, but you may not have known that abuse really does have it's own cycle? This is a diagram of the cycle looks like. I have included three different descriptions of the cycle of abuse because all three made good points.
Tension Building
Honeymoon Phase Acute Incident
Phase I: The Tension Building
During this phase, the tension between a couple builds and arguments erupt easily. This is when accusations are made, everyday occurrences become unbearable disturbances and tension in the environment increases. There may be violent verbal outbursts, strained silences or sulking. Many women describe this as "walking on eggshells". This phase may last only a day or two, or it could go on for several months or even years.
Phase II: The Acute Incident
This is when the actual "fight" occurs. There may be slapping, pushing, hitting, biting, kicking, or shoving. There may be threats or the use of a weapon, sexual abuse, or even murder.
Phase III: The Honeymoon
In this phase of the cycle, the batter makes many apologies and promises that will never happen again. There may be a honeymoon - like euphoria while the couple "makes up" with presents, flowers, romantic dinners out. The victim begins to hope that the batterer is genuinely remorseful, and chooses to believe that the violence will not happen again. This phase slowly dissolves into the tension building phase, and the cycle repeats itself.
The duration of each phase varies, and will change over time. The Honeymoon Phases will become shorter, as the abuser begins to threaten even worse harm if the victim dares to leave. The Tension Building Phase quickly absorbs honeymoon time and often completely replaces it. As the abuse becomes more frequent and severe, the couple moves through the cycle more quickly. Most abusive relationships begin with verbal abuse, and then move into violence, which escalates and becomes more deadly the longer the couple is together.
Many victims of abuse hang on to the belief that "the real person" will someday return for good. But they do not realize that the abuser is "the real person."
(Produced by Safe Home, Johnson County, Kansas)
Or said another way ...
Cycle of Abuse: Time is Not on Your Side!
The classic abusive relationship is characterized by a three-stage cycle that may or may not be visible to outsiders.
Victim Beware: You are on an emotional roller coaster ride that will wear you down and deplete your self-esteem!
The Tension-Building Stage:
The angry person becomes increasingly controlling during this period, which may take days, weeks, or even years to evolve and progress. Limits are imposed on the partner. For example, the abuser may decide what clothes look "right" on the partner, or what image is portrayed. They may try to define whom the partner may or may not speak with and about what, etc. The control is insidious and progressive. As tension and control increase, the partner attempts to accommodate the abuser in order to keep peace, to please the abuser, or for some similar reason. Despite actions the partner takes, the abuser becomes increasingly remote, contemptuous, critical, preoccupied, or otherwise on edge. The tension and control increase until culminating in the abuse stage.
The Abuse (or acute) Stage:
A major verbal, emotional or physically abusive incident occurs that was instigated by the abuser. A trivial event is often used to trigger the main event. The abuser actively looks for excuses to blow up over, and may set their partner up in a no-win situation. One angry man found reason to verbally abuse his girlfriend and destroy her property because he did not like the size of the pot she was boiling eggs in. Needless to say, the pot had nothing to do with anything. This opportunist had simply received a nod from a former lover, decided to change girlfriends, and wanted an out. The victim is often left feeling hurt - and confused.
The Remorse (or honeymoon) Stage:
Once the blows are delivered, the abuser is calmed. Having blown off steam and regaining composure, the abusive person is full of apologies and promises never to do "it" again - if the partner distances. The more distanced the victim, the more intensely the abuser pursues ... and pursues ... and pursues. The abuser can be so charming and complimentary, the co-dependent victim's heart breaks. There is a compelling need to believe their abuser's promises and pleas and take them back. The more co-dependent and insecure the partner, the more vulnerable they are to the partner's attentive remorse. Abusers during this phase are wonderful! A "normal" person is unlikely to be so compelling and persistent in winning over their partner's love - because they have no reason to be.
As the relationship progresses, the abuse cycle typically escalates in intensity and in the temporal contiguity of its negative aspects. The abuse lasts longer and becomes more pronounced, while the loving remorse dwindles.
The abuser loves a good challenge. The goal is to win the victim back, at any price. At a distance, the partner is perceived as emotionally "safe." The harder the abuser has to work to win back his or her victim, the more the victim is appreciated. Once the relationship resumes, the abuser's mistrust prompts their poor recall of any tender feelings. Their fear inevitably powers the resumption of the abuse cycle.
presented as a part of
http://www.drirene.com/cyclesof.htm
Or said another way ...
The Cycle of Violence & Abuse
by Uzma Mazhar
Abuse or physical violence is a recurring cycle.
Wooing (tension building) Phase:
Most relationships are rarely violent from the beginning as there is no cumulative stress between partners. Both are on their best behavior and trying to impress each other.
As the relationship continues, the demands, expectations and stress increases. At this phase violence is directed toward objects rather than the partner: punching doors, kicking furniture, throwing objects, breaking stuff, etc. The abusive behavior is reinforced by a release of tension following this aggressive action. Aggressive behavior is a maladaptive coping mechanism to release tension and stress.
The violence then moves from objects to spouse and there is an increase in verbal abuse: yelling, screaming, increased arguments, insults, name-calling, etc. and in general tends to become more critical of the victim.
The attacked partner (or victim) begins to alter his/her behavior to stop the verbal abuse and/or the physical violence. The partner works harder at keeping the house cleaner, the children quieter, helping more with chores, staying home more often, etc ... anything to not get the abuser angry or to trigger another outburst.
The victim has bought into the belief that he/she is the cause of the abuser's anger. The verbal, emotional and/or physical abuse continues to escalate. The victim tends to pull away from the abusive spouse and feels responsible for the abuse, often blaming themselves, feeling inadequate and a failure.
The abuser's control starts becoming more pervasive, and spills over into all aspects of the victim's life. He/she may become obsessively jealous and tries to control most of the partner's behavior or time: where the partner will go, with whom, how they should dress and will even forbid the partner from seeingcertain people. The abuser isolates the partner from family and friends. Emotional manipulation and black-mailing the partner into believing that if they loved them, they would not need others, or that since they are married their place is with each other ... even to the exclusion of sharing any 'private' stuff with family or close friends. Insisting that they should keep their personal life private and to maintain secrecy. Having effectively cut off any reality-checking that he/she could do if she shared his/her problem with family or friends.
The victim tends to feel that nothing they do is good enough for the abuser, that they are walking on eggshells and feels powerless to stop the next beating and/or explosion. They start doubting their ability to discern right from wrong.
The abuser believes that the victim should be able to make them feel better if they changed, they blame the victim for making them feel miserable and deny that they are hurt, frustrated, disappointed and insecure. The abuser feels powerless and stuck, yet unwilling to look at themselves, it does not occur to them that the problem may be with them.
Active (abuse or acute) Phase:
Typically, the abuser makes a choice about his/her violence before the incident ... choosing the place and time, deciding what fight to pick, how and which part of the body to hit. The pattern of abuse is so well established that they know what button to push and what reaction they will get. They know what will escalate the situation. It has become a well choreographed dance.
The victim being unprepared for the incident, is shocked at where it came from and is terrified, ashamed, humiliated, degraded and angry. The victim tends to wrongly blame themselves for the violence.
The abuser feels out of control,tries to prove to himself that he/she is in control and does so by abusing the victim. The abuser blames the victim for their loss of control, their violent outburst and believes that the victim instigated it. They usually believe that the abuse solved the problem.
The Morning After (remorse or honeymoon) Phase:
This phase is also called the 'Honeymoon Phase'. I prefer calling it the Morning After Phase as it has characteristics similar to the disoriented hangover of a drunk, and the guilt after a one night stand. This phase is characterized by shame and guilt-provoked resolve to change, with promises of never abusing again and begging for forgiveness.
At this stage the abuser feels temporarily in control, takes some responsibility for his/her behavior, giving the partner hope for change. Even though the abuser is afraid of the intensity of their own anger and that the victim will leave them, they minimize the abuse and want to avoid dealing with it.
Unfortunately however, usually there is no intervention, neither seek to follow up on the promises and resolves. The relationship continues and with every such cycle the possibility that the violence will escalate and the severity increase will get greater.
Unless the abuser receives help in learning how to deal with stress and anger, this phase will only last a period of time. The stress and tension will again begin to increase and the cycle repeat itself.
And the cycle continues ... back to the very short-lived wooing phase, then the building up of the tension, to active abuse phase and on to the morning after phase. As the pattern gets more established, the phases get shorter and shorter, and the abuse gets more severe and violent.
Both the abuser and victim need to get long-term professional help. Both need to learn their own dynamics of what keeps them stuck in their unhealthy and damaging patterns of behavior. Both need to work VERY hard at breaking the cycle.
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