Starting Out The Same Doesn't Mean We End Up The Same!
What were we talking about again? I said abusers, narcissists, sociopaths and co-dependents could have come from the same type of toxic homes. It is possible that they all engage in their own version of addictive thinking ... which means they have their own distorted way of looking at the world. Their perceptions are colored by their own personal history. The way the abuser, the narcissist, the sociopath ... and the co-dependent choose to react are very, very different.
They may all wish to control their environment. HOW they choose to control is what's different. Abusers and Narcissists BEAT you. Sociopaths TRICK you. Co-Dependents LOVE you.
Abusers and Narcissists BEAT you but they also BEAT themselves. They think the world is a crummy place and they are going to FORCE things to be different. They want to PUSH change into everyone else.
Sociopaths TRICK you the same way they TRICK themselves. They think the world is a playground and their whole life is a game. NOTHING MATTERS AS LONG AS THEY GET TO WIN! The sociopaths don't worry much about change. They are PERFECT in every way and they play with THE IMPERFECT every day!
Co-Dependents LOVE you desperately in the hope you will show them how to love themselves. They think that life hasn't been very fair, but they believe that if they could JUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE EVERY ONE HAPPY, things will get better. They want to PULL change from everyone else.
Abusers, Narcissists, Sociopaths ... Co-dependents can be men or women. Both men and women can be abusers. Both men and women can be narcissists. Both men and women can be sociopaths. Both men and women can be co-dependent. Both men and women can be victims and both men and women can become survivors.
ONLY A QUALIFIED PSYCHOTHERAPIST CAN DIAGNOSE YOUR SITUATION.
Whether you walked away or ran for your life, you have just left a relationship where someone twisted everything! They lied. They denied doing anything wrong. They blamed you. They called you names. They hurt you emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually ... They made you feel like YOU WERE THE CRAZY ONE! What they said or what they did doesn't really matter! They do not define our reality! A therapist will listen to you and help you sort things out. They will know if you are suffering from post traumatic stress or depression ... They can help.
You can choose a Therapist the same way you choose any other Doctor. It is okay to ask them if they have treated other women (or men) who have been abused. It is okay to ask them HOW they treat their patients, whether they use medication or not (I prefer NOT to use medicine. I can't learn new coping skills if I am anesthetized to the pain.), whether they think one-on-one therapy would be more helpful or if you would do better in group therapy? Ask if he has any brochures or articles that might be helpful? No matter what questions you ask or what you talk about, trust the way you feel when you leave the appointment.
I was hurting like hell, but I wasn't so wounded that I couldn't tell the difference between a good Doctor and a bad Doctor! I chose to see a Therapist because I knew I was in trouble. I knew it was time to get serious. I knew I had some work to do. I expected to talk about painful things. I also knew that I needed to beable to trust my Therapist. If you don't trust the Therapist you are seeing, get another one. It's okay to be picky about who you talk to. Heck, if we had been more picky in the first place, we might not need a Therapist now!
ONLY A QUALIFIED PSYCHOTHERAPIST CAN DIAGNOSE AND TREAT YOUR ABUSER.
I think it is helpful for us to understand the type of people who abuse us, but ...
It is foolishness to think that we can HELP-FIX-CHANGE the ABUSER.
Therapists don't even do that! The most a therapist can do is objectively listen to their patients and ask questions that allow the possibility for change, but only the PATIENT, themselves, can decide when and if they want to change. And a THERAPIST can't do anything at all unless a patient goes into therapy in the first place.
It is a co-dependent thought to think that you can HELP-FIX-CHANGE anyone other than yourself!
It's helpful to understand that your abuser and you may have both come from similar backgrounds. That explains why you might have felt SO CONNECTED in the first place. You both were familiar with the same SICK rules and the same SICK language and even the same SICK addictive thinking. You may even share similar histories. You both have been trying to control your life and the people in it for a very long time. You both have felt failure, loneliness, disappointment and pain.
The more I read, the more I realized that Aydan didn't just act like an abuser or a narcissist. He also did things that were quite co-dependent. To be perfectly honest, I have lived most of my life as a co-dependent, but there are times when I did things that were abusive and narcissistic!
Try it for yourself!
Go back and read about the co-dependentand see if your abuser ever acted like that, even if it was way back in the beginning of the relationship? Then, if you think you can stand it, go back and look at what Dr. Vankin wrote about Narcissists and ask yourself if you ever acted like that?
Don't worry! You aren't a Narcissist! A true Narcissist wouldn't even be reading this! Part of the 12-Steps is admitting our shortcomings. I am not a narcissist, but I have acted like one before. It wasn't any fun for me and it certainly wasn't any fun for anyone who was around me.
What does it mean that Aydan and I had similar backgrounds and that we have acted similarly in the past? It just means we are both QUITE HUMAN.
The 12-Steps tells us what to do about it. Step 4 says to make a moral inventory. Step 5 says admit it. Step 7 says to ask God to remove our shortcomings. This step includes forgiveness. Forgiveness for myself and for those who have hurt me. Step 8 says to make a list. Who were those people I abused? Who were the people I acted like a narcissist with? Step 9 says to make direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so will injure them or others. What does that mean? One person I would like to talk to is older and quite ill. Another time, I hurt someone with the help of someone else. I can't open up that "can of beans" without exposing someone else's wrong doing. I believe I have to first make amends with the one who acted with me and then, we should both talked to the injured third party. That might take a little while ... It's okay. I'm patient. It took 48 years to build this file of those who I have injured or offended. I can't makeamends to everyone all at once. Step 8 says BE WILLING ... Step 9 encourages us to use wisdom. For me, it includes trusting God to bring those people back to my life when the time is right. Let me list those 12-Steps again:
Twelve-Steps to a HEALTHIER YOU!
- We admitted we were powerless ... that our lives had become unmanageable.
- Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
- Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
- Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
- Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
- Humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings.
- Made a list of persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.
- Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
- Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out.
- Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
By the way, I found something that you might find interesting. It described the way the abuser, the narcissist or the sociopath might write their own 12 step program ... It's the 12 steps of INSANITY, and it makes a very good point of WHAT WILL NOT WORK every single time!
- We admitted we were powerless over nothing. We could manage our lives perfectly and we could manage those of anyone else that would allow it.
- Came to believe that there was no power greater than ourselves, and the rest of the world was insane.
- Made a decision to have our loved ones and friends turn their wills and their lives over to our care.
- Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of everyone we knew.
- Admitted to the whole world at large the exact nature of their wrongs.
- Were entirely ready to make others straighten up and do right.
- Demanded others to either "shape up or ship out".
- Made a list of anyone who had ever harmed us and became willing to go to any lengths to get even with them all.
- Got direct revenge on such people whenever possible except when to do so would cost us our own lives, or at the very least, a jail sentence.
- Continued to take inventory of others, and when they were wrong promptly and repeatedly told them about it.
- Sought through nagging to improve our relations with others as we couldn't understand them at all, asking only that they knuckle under and do things our way.
- Having had a complete physical, emotional and spiritual breakdown as a result of these steps, we tried to blame it on others and to get sympathy and pity in all our affairs.
(From The ACA Communicator - March 1990 - Omaha, Council Bluffs Area Intergroup)
I think there is a place in recovery where everything you have learned and heard and read all fall together in one glorious moment. It's like working on a jigsaw puzzle ... and getting to the part when all the pieces are together. No one else can do the work for you. Our stories are similar enough, but they aren't exact. Each of us is working on becoming that beautiful put-together puzzle!
In the beginning of my recovery, I read a quote that said,
"We need to trust that we will know
what we need to know
when it is the right time for us to know it."
I had to heal and grow into my recovery. I had to move through denial, anger, bargaining and depression to acceptance where I learned the most! I learned some things about Aydan only after it really didn't matter anymore! I'm grateful for every kernel of truth that came to me in recovery but I am also very thankful for God's timing. Looking back, it feels like His hand was on my shoulder the whole time, pushing me forward when it was time to move, holding me still when it was time for me to stop and listen, pulling me back when I was getting too far ahead of my healing.
Of course, I do not wish an abusive life-and-death-moment on anyone, but if abuse leads you to one of those life-and-death-moments and you survive, you can choose to focus on the horror of that single moment or you can focus on the BEST PART!
YOU SURVIVED!
Every day, from now on, will be an opportunity to celebrate that YOU SURVIVED! I am so glad you did! You have the rest of your life! I am so glad you do! What are you going to do with it? I can't wait to hear about it!
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