Maybe you saw yourself and your relationship in that cycle of abuse? It isn't easy to break away from the cycle. I spent a long time down-playing and minimizing the abuse. I would focus on the sweet things Aydan said and did in the beginning of the relationship and during those honeymoon phases, but just like the articles on "Cycles of Abuse" said, the sweet times grew shorter and shorter until they were non-existent toward the end.
I never knew then what caused the "bad moods", "temper tantrums" and "rage attacks" or I guess I would have tried to "fix" whatever it was. I would anticipate a date or an afternoon or a weekend only to see Aydan and know by the "look in his eye" that we weren't going to have ANY fun that day!
I don't think Aydan even knows what triggers his "bad moods", "temper tantrums" and "rage attacks" ... and even if he did, I don't think he would admit it. He'd blame me when he was with me ... and he'll blame the next one too, because that is what abusers do.
So what can we do about the cycle of abuse?
I found this article on a really GREAT web-site. The web-site, Women's Rights For A Safer Tomorrow, or: http://www.mhc.ab.ca/programs/con_studies/womens_rights/index.htm
provides a lot of good information to women who are being abused, even though it is written based on Canada law. It still pertains to the choices women have, and you do have choices.
It is your decision what to do about what is happening to you. No one can tell you what is best for you and no one can promise you a good outcome, no matter what your decide.
Some things are not negotiable. I could down-play a lot of what Aydan did until he threatened me with a loaded shotgun. His last action made a believer out of me. I believed he would kill me, if I gave him a chance. I didn't give him the chance.
So Why Stay?
The Cycle of Abuse
People may not understand why you stay in the abusive situation. There are many reasons why. You may not want to admit to anyone that your partner is hurting you. The abuser may be someone you love. He may support the family or be the father of your children. Certain situations may trigger the abuse. You may tend to blame yourself ... "If only I had not burned the supper. If only I had not bought a dress with a short hemline. If only ..."
Why does he blame me?
The abuser may blame you too. He may think you caused his jealousy or anger. Abusers usually blame somebody else for their acts. Often they drink and blame their abuse on alcohol. They may feel pressured at work and think they can take it out on women. They may believe that women are not equal to men and that men have the right to discipline you. They almost always have an excuse for their actions.
Why does it happen again and again?
Sometimes he feels bad. He says he is sorry and you accept. You believe things will change. Life seems to get better. Tension builds. The next time it happens, the abuse seems worse. Frightened and angry, you leave. Again, he apologizes and you go back. Almost all abused women go back at least once. When he is not beating you, he may be very loving and caring. But each time you return the abuse may get worse. It happens more often. You may feel trapped and alone.
Am I the only woman going through this?
You may feel you arethe only person in the world who is beaten or humiliated by your partner. You may be too afraid or too ashamed to even tell your friends or get help. You may be especially afraid if you have tried to leave before. Your fear gives him the power to control you.
You have three choices:
Choice 1: Accept the Relationship
You may stay in an abusive relationship. Out of love or fear, money concerns or other reasons, you give in to your partner. You learn to live with the abusive relationship.
What should I be prepared for?
Living with abuse is a dangerous choice. If you choose to stay, there are a few things that you should know:
- Ignoring his insults or hoping that things will get better some day does not work. Chances are, things will get worse.
- Many women living in abusive relationships end up being killed, committing suicide or killing their partner.
- If you stay in a abusive relationship, your children may suffer.
- If you stay, please remember: you never deserve to be beaten or abused.
Most abuse is a crime. No one has the legal right to hurt you.
What about the children?
Children living in abusive situations may be emotionally or physically abused themselves. Children who see their father abuse their mother are often anxious and confused. They may even lose respect for their mother. Boys often become aggressive while girls become withdrawn. Later on in life, girls may find themselves in abusive situations and boys may grow into abusive men.
What are my responsibilities?
Your children may not be victims of abuse themselves, but you must keep them safe. If you do not take steps to protect your children from an abusive situation, the government (Child Protection Services) can take them from your custody and put them in protective care.
Choice 2: Change the Relationship
You may decide to stay with your partner and try to make changes. Keep the following in mind.
Can I change him?
Just because he keeps saying "sorry" and promising he will change, does not mean he will. When you go back to him he has no more reason to change. Some men make this promise just to keep their partners.
How will I know if he is ready to change?
He must do three things before change is possible:
1. He must admit that the way he treats you is wrong.
2. He must decide that he needs help.
3. He must be willing to go to counseling for a long time to unlearn his behavior.
Will I or my children need counseling?
Yes. You will need to learn to live without abuse and how to respect yourself. Joining a support group with other women who have been abused may help you to find the strength to live your own life. Your children will need help and counseling to see that abuse is the wrong way to solve problems.
What if nothing changes?
Be prepared. Change will not happen overnight. It takes a long time. Remember, the situation might even become abusive again. You should be prepared for this possibility. Know your rights and plan an escape route.
"Plan an escape route"
Choice 3: Leave!
You have the right to live a life free of abuse. You can decide to be free of the abuse by getting out of the relationship and getting on with your life. When you do this, you will probably need legal advice. (The information in this web-site can help you to understand more about the law, although it is Canada law.)
What steps can I take when I'm ready to leave?
If you are thinking about leaving your abusive partner, you should try to set up an escape plan.
- Make sure you have important documents set aside
- Save money in secret if you can
- Find a safe place to go: friends, shelter, family
- Keep extra keys and clothes with friends
- Secure transportation
- Work out a signal system with a friend
- Go when he is gone
- Don't tell him you are leaving
- Create an excuse to slip away
Even before you are ready to leave, try to collect and copy the following documents and keep them in a safe place.
- Alberta Health Care and Social (Canada equivalent of medic-aide card and social security cards for you and your children)
- Insurance Cards
- Driver's license/Registration
- Credit cards and bank card (debit card)
- Personal identification (including picture ID)
- Birth certificate
- Immunization card for the children
- Treaty Card (if applicable)
- Custody order
- Personal checkbook
- Last banking statement
- Mortgage papers
When leaving an abusive situation you should try to take personal items such as:
- Prescribed medication
- Personal hygiene products
- Glasses/contact lenses
- Money (if possible)
- Clothing (night wear, underwear)
- Heirlooms, jewelry
- Photo albums (pictures that you want to keep)
- Craft, needle work, hobby work
- Children's items such as soothers/bottles, clothing, special blanket and/or toy
You have the right to live a life
free of abuse.
http://www.mhc.ab.ca/programs/con_studies/womens_rights/index.htm
(This web-site is meant as a resource for women who are being abused by their partner. This web-site has useful information about the law, even though it is Canada law.
It will give you an idea of questions you should ask your lawyer.
You may have many questions about your legal rights.
You may have questions about money or emotional matters.
There are places where you can get answers.)
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