I believed in his promises ... Loving an abusive man ...
Eight years ago, I met him. Being in a relationship with an alcoholic/drug addict has been pure hell. The abuse, temper tantrum and rages were more then I could take ... But I always thought he would change ...
Leaving an Abusive Relationship ...
I should have been smarter, why did I get involved? Everything has fallen apart and now I find myself alone. I knew in my head, he would never change, but in my heart I couldn't leave. He is now gone. It's been six weeks. My self esteem is destroyed and I feel very weak. I can't believe I let him treat me this way! What was I thinking?? I am writing this in hopes that no one else will ever have to go through what I have ...
I met him in 1998. He was tall, dark, and had a roughness about him. We went out to dinner ... he consumed alcohol like water. He downed 14 beers within a two hour period. Over the next three years, we would talk from time to time, and I would see him once in a blue moon. When I did see him he was always drunk or on pills ... He lost everything his home, car, motorcycle and most of all the support of family and so called friends. When he got out of jail the first time, I thought maybe he might change ... WRONG!
In June of 2002, I made a call that would change my life ... I called his Mom's house. When his mom answered the phone, I knew something was wrong. She told me he was in jail. Again. She asked me for my phone number because he wanted to talk to me. I remember thinking, "Do I want to give my number to her, so he can call me from jail???" I did, and so it began ... my life changed ... The calls began, the letters, promises and visits became a part of my life for the next eight months. I began to trust this man. He would write me four page letters and make all kinds of promises. He was going to get help. He was going to attend AA meetings, and anger management classes. He even promised to go to church. I found myself signing my letters to him; Your Friend, Love Your Friend, Love and then Love You ... I would visit him in jail and when he was on his work release program. We would talk for hours, hold each other, kiss and he would tell me how beautiful I was.
I thought to myself, people can change and sometimes it just takes that special someone to help them.
The day had arrived my Man/Child (not yet a man, still a sick child) was getting out of jail ... I was there to pick him up. We stopped to get coffee and then at the store. He picked up a twelve pack and two hours later he was on the floor. Crying, hysterical, and telling me HE DESERVED TO GET DRUNK. Wait a minute, what happened to changing his life, the AA classes??? That was the summer from hell ... everything that had happened to him was everyone else's fault. He would consume large amounts of alcohol. I was VERBALLY ABUSED. I had to leave my home several times in fear of him.
I have never feared a man like I feared him. I would break up several times only to find myself back in his arms.
He wasn't working. That was his excuse for being abusive. When he finally did get a job, I thought things would change. My man/child was able to get a maintenance position because they did not run a background check. I thought he will change. He did cut back on the drinking, but he was getting VICODEN from the DR, taking 10-15 pills at a time.
It only got worse from there.
He blamed me for everything. It was my fault he losthis temper. It was my fault he made me cry. He told me I was too sensitive and needed to toughen up ... this was the real world! In my world, people don't hurt those that they love ... maybe in his though? I started blaming myself also, and thought ... Maybe I caused this behavior? Maybe it is my fault? WRONG! I did nothing wrong ... except love him!
It has been six weeks, I don't talk to him any longer. I know he is an addict and full of anger, rage and abuse. He won't ever change. He will go on blaming and find another VICTIM to engage. You might ask yourself ...
Why would a woman that is educated, attractive, financially secure and has deep love for her family and friends get involved with such a sick man/child?
That is something I ask myself everyday. Believe it or not, I still miss him ... I can't tell you why. I am still trying to figure it out. I look back on the three years of my life that have been wasted ...
I am writing this in hopes that maybe it will help someone else. You cannot change someone and it is not your fault for his/her abusive behavior. Please, anyone (man or woman) in a abusive relationship, GET OUT NOW ... They will never change unless they want to ... with lots of professional help. You can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves. Think of yourself first and foremost and surround yourself with family, friends and loved ones ... You are not the one with the problem. They are!
What Addicts Do ...
This is to you my man/child ... What addicts do:
My name is Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better.
All I care about ... all I think about is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You area tool to me ... somethingto use.
When I say I Love You, I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs/alcohol that ...
I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you ... leave you hungry ... lie to you ... cheat on you ... and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action. Until I make that decision ...
I will hurt you again and again and again.
STOP being surprised!
I AM AN ADDICT AND THAT'S WHAT ADDICTS DO ...
Why won't he leave me alone ???
Well, I have been doing great! It seems like just when I start forgetting, my past hits me in the face.
I have gotten over a half dozen Christmas cards from my ex and on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day I got the letters ... that say ... how sorry he was ... how much he loved me ... and that he thought hanging with another girl would ease the pain and make him forget about me ... but that hasn't worked ... and how much he misses me ...
I can't help but wonder why he keeps contacting me?
Has he changed? No.
Has he gotten a job? No.
Is he still using? Yes ...
God, why do I open my heart to him ... only to get hurt and go through the entire process again?
Is he using the other young girl? Yes.
Why does he continue to hurt people?
Why does he continue to hurt me?
In mydreams, he is a totally different man, but in reality I know he is the same.
I promised myself ... to not let it get to me ...
I wrote him back, saying ... Yes, I still loved him, but couldn't be his friend or even see him. I am not going to let him bring me down again. Never. He is still the same. Nothing has changed.
We are back (together) ...
Well, the last two weeks have been very interesting. I hope and pray that things work out for us. His Mom doesn't care for me, and my friends and my mom are so upset that I am even giving him another chance. Right now though, I have to do what I feel in my heart. I love him, and kissing him was like making love to him. He spent the weekend with me, and it was awesome ... We talked a lot, and a lot of truths came out. Some, I didn't want to hear, but he was totally honest with me, which I appreciated a lot. I don't know what the future holds for us, but we are talking about our future together ... We have to trust each other for this to work. I hope were both able to do that ...
Follow your gut ...
Always follow your gut instinct. It's almost always right. I tell myself:
Think back and remember the last three years. Remember all the hurt and pain? HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU. He needs help, lots of it. He is still in denial and has an excuse for everything. He continues to hurt and lie to people to get what he wants. Stay away from him before its too late. You have been there to pick up the pieces and over and over again. HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU!!!
The End ...
I never meant to hurt you,
I thought you were the one.
You mean the world to me,
But at the same time
I know it's all said and done.
I gave you my all and have nothing left to give.
I feel so lonely, but know this is where it ends.
I know you tried your best, but the demons still haunt you.
I will never understand the pills that consume you.
I know you think you have it under control,
But deep inside ... the truth behold.
How can I expect you to treat me with the love,
Respect and kindness that I deserve,
When deep inside you are so disturbed?
I know you struggle each day,
And hope one day you will live to say,
The anger and addictions have gone away.
I will always love you with all my heart,
And in my dreams wish thingscould have been
Different from the start.
All I ever wanted was you,
But the drugs, alcohol and anger
Would never let you through.
You may be angry right now
But I am sure you will see
That I speak the truth for you and me.
I have to let go,
Stop worrying and move on,
Life is too short and will soon be gone.
In disbelief ... well ... not really ...
Eight years of friendship, loyalty and love. He put me through so much. I put up with his alcoholism, drug abuse, horrible temper and rages. I put up with his constant phone calls, phone hang ups and he takes me to court so he can play the victim to get the sympathy of a 25 year old POA! Is she that naive? Doesn't she know this is all part of his game? He has no feelings for anyone and is only out for himself.
God, how could he sit in court and say he cares for me and what a good woman I am? Care for me? He has never cared for me! If he cared for me, he wouldn't have hurt me the way he has for the last four years. Then, to take me to court over hang up calls! God, how many nights did I take my phone off the hook because he continually called me? The truth will come out in the end.
I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE. I AM QUITE SURE YOU WILL THINK OF ME OFTEN, AND REGRET WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, IF YOU DON'T ALREADY. WHAT COMES AROUND, GOES AROUND ... YOU HAVE HURT THE ONE PERSON IN YOUR LIFE THAT TRULY CARED AND LOVED YOU. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT AFTER ALL YOU HAVE PUT ME THROUGH, YOU PULL SOMETHING LIKE THIS. YOU MAKE ME SICK.
He LOST! He LOST ME and HIS CASE!! DENIED!! LOL!!
HA~HA! HA~HA! HE TOOK ME TO COURT AND COULDN'T PROVE HIS CASE! I WON! I WON!!! What did he think ... a convicted felon would win a protection order ... when I had proof of recent emails and phone calls? He is the loser ... and I am the winner.
I have a new life, a new start and you have nothing. You andyour MOMMY can stew in your unhappy miserable lives and keep on blaming other people for your own problems! I hope that your 25 year old POA was worth hurting me and betraying me! I wonder when you called me 10 times the Saturday before the court date ... if you already weren't regretting your decision? TOO LATE NOW.
He deserves everything he gets in life, and while I don't want to wish him unhappiness, I can't help but think about all he has put me through.
Thank you ... Thank you ... Thank you, God, for letting the courts see the truth! Thank you for getting him out of my life! Thank you GOD!
A NEW Start
I would like to erase a lot of hurtful memories. I am so blessed to have my family and good friends. I am so blessed to have my two boys! I am so proud of both of them.
We all make mistakes in our lives, and hopefully I have learned a very hard lesson. You can't change someone. You can't make things right for them. There are mean, evil people in this world, who are only out for themselves. Never have I felt so betrayed by someone who I thought truly loved me and was ... not only my partner ... but my friend ... but I was wrong. He never loved or cared for me. I don't even know that he is truly capable of loving someone.
I have also learned that when you turn something over to God and continually take it back ... it never works out. Leave it with God.
I am giving him to you, God, along with all my pain and suffering ... I promise, this time, I won't take it back.
Being in an abusive relationship ... getting involved with someone who has so many problems, addictions and anger issues is something I will never ever go through again. My hope is that God will place someone in my life that is secure, both financially and emotionally ... who is happy with themselves and their life ... who has a good family life and good work history. I know he is out there.
It is going to be a new year and a new start for me.
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