I saw an Oprah Show a while back. Oprah had a guest who had been shot in the face by her boyfriend ... I looked at the woman without a face and wondered if that would have been me if I had stayed. The thought was a sad one. My heart went out to the woman.
I knew before she said the words that she had seen signs before the day he shot her face away.
I knew she didn't want to be known as the lady without a face as much as she needed to be the woman who survived.
I knew before she said the words ...
Knowing is a quiet place ... the panic and anxiety have been replaced by an acceptance that things just are the way they are sometimes. I will not ignore red flags again. Survivors know the warning signs and we share very similar stories with all too familiar words ...
we also know that we had a choice ... to remain victims or to move forward toward the rest of our lives.
Some stay much too long in the victim place ... I know and understand the fear. I know and understand the hope you hold on to that perhaps you can change things, but
... if a man hits you or speaks abusively to you only one time, he will do it again, and next time, it will be worse ... It's always worse.
He will take away tiny pieces of your heart and your soul until one day, like that sweet woman on the Oprah Show, he could take away your face or even your life ...
It isn't easy to make changes. You have to have a plan. If you are involved with an abuser, you should know you are never safe. If you live with a batterer, you need to think about taking care of yourself and your children. Here are some ideas for increasing your safety in a violent home. Some ideas include leaving the relationship, even if only temporarily.
Safety Planning in an Abusive Relationship
Before a violent encounter:
Practice getting out of the house quickly.
Keep your wallet and keys handy at all times.
Tell a neighbor to call the police if they hear strange noises. Develop a code to signal them to call the police (like a shade up or a curtain drawn - be sure to pick a signal that can be seen day or night).
Teach your children how to dial 911.
Teach your children how to use your cell phone.
Teach your children how to get out or find safety.
Decide ahead of time where you will go.
If you are being assaulted by your partner:
Call the police.
Scream for help (and do not stop).
Do NOT run into a room that contains potential weapons such as the kitchen.
Do NOT run into a room with no exit such as the bathroom or a closet.
You are safer running to your front yard where there will be possible witnesses!
Try to get to a safe place such as a neighbor's house or public place.
After an assault:
Get out of the house.
Get medical help. Your records could be evidence that could help you.
Tell someone you trust what happened (a doctor, counselor, relative, neighbor).
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 800-799-SAFE or a local Women's Shelter. (Extra Note: Anytime you call any help number from your phone, be sure that after you hang up, you pick up the phone and call another number like time and temperature or any other number that won't arouse his suspicion when he hits redial or *69.)
Consider leaving, even if just for the night.
Safety when leaving home:
Too much to think about?
Here's a list of things you might want to pack:
A change of clothes for you and a change of clothes for each child.
Cash (include change for a pay phone or a phone card)
Keys
Personal Identification
Birth Certificates
Social Security Cards
School Vaccination Records
Driver's License & Registration & Automobile Insurance Card
Medication, Medical Records & Health Insurance Card
Work Permit, Green Card, Welfare ID
Rent, Mortgage Papers & Home Insurance Policy
Address Book
Pictures
Jewelry
Items of sentimental value
Children' Favorite Toy
HINT: You can pack a suitcase ahead of time with copies of all the important documents and stored it with a friend or a neighbor ... just in case.
Making your home safer after your abuser leaves:
Change the locks on your doors and windows.
Install an alarm system.
Add window bars.
Install smoke detectors and fire extinguishers.
Put up motion detector lights outside.
Teach your children how to call collect, in case they are taken by your partner.
Tell your children's teachers at school, daycare or Sunday school who is allowed to pick them up -- and who can NOT take them.
Tell your friends, family, neighbors, that your partner no longer lives there and they should call the police if they see him.
Safety in the workplace:
If you feel comfortable, tell your boss and co-workers. Your office may set up a safety policy.
Post your protection order.
Tell your co-workers to call the police if they see your batterer at the workplace.
Show them his picture.
Ask co-workers not to tell where you are if your batterer comes to the workplace or calls.
Ask someone to screen your calls.
Keep your office locked if you can.
Plan an escape route if your partner comes to work.
Work when other people are there, never alone.
Vary your route and the times you go to work.
Safety in the community:
Vary or change any routine your partner may be familiar with. Change grocery stores, banks (or the branch you normally go to) and day cares.
Go out during the busiest times.
Have people you trust walk you to and from your car.
Take someone with you.
Carry a whistle.
Take a self defense class.
Program the police, help line or friend on your cell phone. Keep it with you at all times.
Oprah shared some good thoughts about things you can do after a breakup:
Ask For Help
Now's the time to reach out to your friends and family. Don't be afraid to depend on others when you need it. Invite your sister over or take a walk with a friend just be sure to get out of the house, eat well, and keep moving. Doing so will get you to the next stage in your healing.
Use Your Time
In bad relationships, we often tend to fall into patterns of trying to fit into the relationship instead of considering what our own purpose might be. Now that you're out of the relationship, use the time to re-identify and reshape who you are. Use your emotional energy to ask some of the big questions: What do you want to be? What do you want to do? If you don't have an answer, think about your dreams and talents from childhood. Those early desires might reawaken something within!
Give To Others
Do something kind for other people. You might visit sick children in a hospital or help the homeless. Remember, as difficult as this time might be, your life is still valuable. There's a lot of important work to do, and a lot of people who you can help.
Create New Traditions
Use this time to get closer to the people you love, especially your children. Even if you need to be sad with them, you can come together to support each other. Try to create new traditions (like a regular movie night or volunteer time) with your family. Say to yourself, "In a year, I want to look back on this time and realize that I was changing my life for the better."
Educate Yourself Financially
A bad breakup affects emotions, but it also affects your finances. Go to the library and read books on managing your money. Feel secure so that you can create a financial future.
A Final Word
After a bad breakup, it's normal to experience feelings of sadness, loss, and anger. But if you feel yourself falling into despair, or you can't function, it may be time to speak with a counselor, minister, rabbi, or other trusted person.
I listened to that woman's story and thought of my own story. I looked at that woman and saw what could have happened if I hadn't gotten out when I did. She said the same things I often feel.
We feel lucky to be alive. We want to be thought of as SURVIVORS ... not victims.
Oprah said, that God whispers to us when we are headed toward danger and her wish for us is that we hear when God whispers to us. I did hear God's voice whispering to me long before I faced the business end of a shotgun. I ignored God's voice at first. I won't be ignoring His voice again!
Watching another survivor who didn't get away as soon as I did made me thankful that I got away when I did ...
Only you know your heart's timing ... Only you can find the strength to do what God whispers to you, but I agree with Oprah ... I hope that you hear God whisper when you are headed toward a dangerous place, and I hope you hear it before it's too late.
As always, Take care of you.
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