Someone asked me how I moved on. I understood the question. I remember how at the beginning of this journey, people encouraged me to move on but I had absolutely no idea where to start or even what to do! I think that goes with the territory. But I promise ... time does moves on, without our help and even without our participation. Eventually, slowly at first, we start to notice that there is just too much out there to forever stand on the sidelines.
The most you can do before you move on is to take care of the things you can, be thankful for the things you can and learn from the thing that sidelined you.
I read a book recently about children who lose their parents early in life. The book said that the child's perception of life before the death and their perception of life after death is forever changed in that one moment:
The world became eternally divided into
A before and after ...
Since then,
Everything has changed.
~ Tove Dittlesen
That is true for me too. The world changed for me when I became a victim, but I won back the best parts of my world by becoming a survivor. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it.
There are some hurts that leave some vicious scars. A broken heart is not much different from a broken bone. The place that mends will knit together in such a way that it's even stronger than before the break, but occasionally on a dark and cold day, you feel a little sore where the break was ... So in way, your world divides into "before the break" and "after the break",but that is not the end of the story!
Let me tell you about that wonderful "knit together" place!
I lost a little pride during the healing. I admitted to myself and others that I had made some foolish choices. That wasn't easy. Of course, we all want to be perfect people with perfect lives, but admitting that I wasn't perfect was the best thing that I ever done! The world didn't end. I wasn't scorned and cast down! Instead, I was relieved and grateful to have survived.
Once, I let go of the notion that I had to be perfect for people to love me ... it wasn't much of a step to let go of the notion that other people had to be perfect too! In fact, I felt relief again that the people around me were just as human as I was, and a part of me loved them just a little bit more.
My expectations relaxed. Since I wasn't wasting so much energy on all of us having to be perfect, I had more energy to do the things that really mattered.
I quit looking inside and started noticing the world around me. When you look at the world with acceptance instead of judgment, the world is a much prettier place! It is what it is.
Do birds have to think they are perfect before they can fly? Of course not! They are just birds. Do flowers have to be the prettiest flower in the garden before they can bloom? Nope, they all bloom when it is there time.
We humans are the only ones that worry about being the best, the prettiest, or the smartest ... and all that worry almost guarantees that we will never be the best, the prettiest, or the smartest ... We keep ourselves from being happy by making ourselves miserable choosing to spend time with people who are just as miserable because of course misery loves company and when two miserable people get together, guess what happens?
Heartbreak and disappointment!
So we are back to that knit-together and mended heart of mine ...My heart might get broken again in another place and another time, but that place and that time is over and done with. I am stronger than I was in that part of my heart. Love filled the hurt placed and knit together what was left ... love for me, love for my friends and family and even love for my enemies ... We are all just human, and most of us are doing the best we can most of the time, but occasionally we all make some really dumb decisions and someone will get hurt when we do. It's the same for everyone.
That part of my heart is stronger now but the break gave me a view of the world I never would have seen if I had not been hurt. I am grateful for the chance to see the world the way I see it now, with acceptance instead of judgment. I am grateful to live in a world where I can just be who I am like a bird is just a bird. I am grateful to be like a flower that will bloom when it is my time.
Of course, there will be cold, dark times when my heart will ache! Life will bring new heartaches. The old heartaches will serve as reminders that bad things happened, but better than that ... they will be living examples of how a heart can heal and a spirit can survive even the darkest times.
They will be symbols of hope that I healed once and I can do it again ... if I have to! I am a survivor.
You can too survive too. You will move on, when you are ready. You will learn what you need to learn. Things that effected me may have no effect on you. Things that effect you may not have been the same things that challenged me. We all have our own lessons to learn in this business of being human. We all eventually reestablish our equilibrium, find our balance, and discover our purpose ... when it is our time.
Not everything you do is going
to be a
masterpiece
but
you get out there and you try
and sometimes
it really happens.
The other times,
you're just stretching your soul.
- Maya Angelou
What if you are not ready to move on? If you are sitting on the side, feeling miserable and broken, too hurt to move ... just rest for a minute. It's okay. Catch your breath.
Are you hurt?
Nothing wrong with that! Take a deep breath. Inhale. Exhale. You are breathing. Right? Well, thank God, you are still alive. Even if you are hurting, thank God you are able to still feel something. Take another deep breath. Close your eyes. Tell yourself you are going to be okay.
Does it hurt to move? It's okay. Don't move! You have suffered a shock. I know it hurts. How could anybody be so mean to you, when you always try to be good to other people? Sweetie, it's time for you to be good to yourself.
Are you safe?
Are you safe right now? Do you need to go to a safer place? What do you need to do to make things better for you? Don't think about all the other things you need to do for everyone else.
Think about YOU ... this time.
Are your feelings all jumbled up? Sweetie, do you want to go back to when he wasn't hurting you? It's too late for that. He already hurt you. Going back isn't an option anymore ... You can't turn back time. You can sit here and feel bad as long as you want to feel bad ... Heck, I think I threw a glorious pity party for myself, complete with balloons and party favors!
We can't deny our hurt or our self pity or our sadness or our loss or our anger or our disappointment ... or any other feeling that we feel. That is just where we are. Go ahead. Feel them ... Feel every single feeling. Feel them twice. Feel them 100 times if you have to!
Take a deep breath again. Feel that? That's new life. New life will come the same way fresh air comes. You'll get your second wind. The sore places will heal.
Do you think it would help for you to get up and walk around a little bit?
Are you okay?
You can survive. You already have made it through so many things in your life. You can move past the hurt, when you are ready. We all have our own lessons to learn.
There is a beautiful place in each of our souls that longs to make things right in our world. We have tried to get there in so many ways that haven't worked for us. Abuse may leave us broken, but it is exactly in the brokenness that we can find a direct path to our heart! We may have to clear away debris. We may have to rearrange. We may have to get rid of things that held us back.
We don't have to do everything all at once. It took most our lives to get it here. It may take the rest of our lives to make everything right in our world, but what a journey it will be! We are not at the END. WE HAVE JUST FOUND THE BEGINNING! We can eventually reestablish our equilibrium, find our balance, and discover our purpose ... IF WE CHOOSE TO ... IN OUR OWN WAY ... IN OUR OWN TIME ...
May you have enough happiness
To make you sweet,
Enough trials to make you strong,
Enough sorrow to keep you human,
Enough hope to make you happy.
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