Maybe you saw yourself and your relationship in that cycle of abuse? It isn't easy to break away from the cycle. I spent a long time down-playing and minimizing the abuse. I would focus on the sweet things Aydan said and did in the beginning of the relationship and during those honeymoon phases, but just like the articles on "Cycles of Abuse" said, the sweet times grew shorter and shorter until they were non-existent toward the end.
I never knew then what caused the "bad moods", "temper tantrums" and "rage attacks" or I guess I would have tried to "fix" whatever it was. I would anticipate a date or an afternoon or a weekend only to see Aydan and know by the "look in his eye" that we weren't going to have ANY fun that day!
I don't think Aydan even knows what triggers his "bad moods", "temper tantrums" and "rage attacks" ... and even if he did, I don't think he would admit it. He'd blame me when he was with me ... and he'll blame the next one too, because that is what abusers do.
So what can we do about the cycle of abuse?
I found these articles on some really GREAT web-sites. The first web-site, Women's Rights For A Safer Tomorrow, or: http://www.mhc.ab.ca/programs/con_studies/womens_rights/index.htm
provides a lot of good information to women who are being abused. It talks about the choices women have, and you do have choices. The second article is followed by the link. You have a lot to think about. I hope they help.
It is your decision what to do about what is happening to you. No one can tell you what is best for you and no one can promise you a good outcome, no matter what your decide.
Some things are not negotiable. I could down-play a lot of what Aydan did until he threatened me with a loaded shotgun. His last action made a believer out of me. I believed he would kill me, if I gave him a chance. I didn't give him the chance.
So Why Stay?
The Cycle of Abuse
People may not understand why you stay in the abusive situation. There are many reasons why. You may not want to admit to anyone that your partner is hurting you. The abuser may be someone you love. He may support the family or be the father of your children. Certain situations may trigger the abuse. You may tend to blame yourself ... "If only I had not burned the supper. If only I had not bought a dress with a short hemline. If only ..."
Why does he blame me?
The abuser may blame you too. He may think you caused his jealousy or anger. Abusers usually blame somebody else for their acts. Often they drink and blame their abuse on alcohol. They may feel pressured at work and think they can take it out on women. They may believe that women are not equal to men and that men have the right to discipline you. They almost always have an excuse for their actions.
Why does it happen again and again?
Sometimes he feels bad. He says he is sorry and you accept. You believe things will change. Life seems to get better. Tension builds. The next time it happens, the abuse seems worse. Frightened and angry, you leave. Again, he apologizes and you go back. Almost all abused women go back at least once. When he is not beating you, he may be very loving and caring. But each time you return the abuse may get worse. It happens more often. You may feel trapped and alone.
Am I the only woman going through this?
You may feel you are the only person in the world who is beaten or humiliated by your partner. You may be too afraid or too ashamed to even tell your friends or get help. You may be especially afraid if you have tried to leave before. Your fear gives him the power to control you.
You have three choices:
Choice 1: Accept the Relationship
You may stay in an abusive relationship. Out of love or fear, money concerns or other reasons, you give in to your partner. You learn to live with the abusive relationship.
What should I be prepared for?
Living with abuse is a dangerous choice. If you choose to stay, there are a few things that you should know:
- Ignoring his insults or hoping that things will get better some day does not work. Chances are, things will get worse.
- Many women living in abusive relationships end up being killed, committing suicide or killing their partner.
- If you stay in a abusive relationship, your children may suffer.
- If you stay, please remember: you never deserve to be beaten or abused.
Most abuse is a crime. No one has the legal right to hurt you.
What about the children?
Children living in abusive situations may be emotionally or physically abused themselves. Children who see their father abuse their mother are often anxious and confused. They may even lose respect for their mother. Boys often become aggressive while girls become withdrawn. Later on in life, girls may find themselves in abusive situations and boys may grow into abusive men.
What are my responsibilities?
Your children maynot be victims of abuse themselves, but you must keep them safe. If you do not take steps to protect your children from an abusive situation, the government (Child Protection Services) can take them from your custody and put them in protective care.
Choice 2: Change the Relationship
You may decide to stay with your partner and try to make changes. Keep the following in mind.
Can I change him?
Just because he keeps saying "sorry" and promising he will change, does not mean he will. When you go back to him he has no more reason to change. Some men make this promise just to keep their partners.
How will I know if he is ready to change?
He must do three things before change is possible:
- He must admit that the way he treats you is wrong.
- He must decide that he needs help.
- He must be willing to go to counseling for a long time to unlearn his behavior.
Yes. You will need to learn to live without abuse and how to respect yourself. Joining a support group with other women who have been abused may help you to find the strength to live your own life. Your children will need help and counseling to see that abuse is the wrong way to solve problems.
Be prepared. Change will not happen overnight. It takes a long time. Remember, the situation mighteven become abusive again. You should be prepared for this possibility. Know your rights and plan an escape route.
"Plan an escape route"
Choice 3: Leave!
You have the right to live a life free of abuse. You can decide to be free of the abuse by getting out of the relationship and getting on with your life. When you do this, you will probably need legal advice. (The information in this web-site can help you to understand more about the law, although it is Canada law.)
What steps can I take when I'm ready to leave?
If you are thinking about leaving your abusive partner, you should try to set up an escape plan.
- Make sure you have important documents set aside
- Save money in secret if you can
- Find a safe place to go: friends, shelter, family
- Keep extra keys and clothes with friends
- Secure transportation
- Work out a signal system with a friend
- Go when he is gone
- Don't tell him you are leaving
- Create an excuse to slip away
Should I take any papers or documents with me?
Even before you are ready to leave, try to collect and copy the following documents and keep them in a safe place.
- Social Security cards for you and your children
- Insurance or Medic-aide Cards
- Driver's license/Registration
- Credit cards and bank card (debit card)
- Personal Identification (including picture ID)
- Birth certificates for you and your children
- Immunization card for the children
- Custody order
- Personal checkbook
- Last banking statement
- Mortgage papers
Should I plan to take any personal items with me?
When leaving an abusive situation you should try to take personal items such as:
- Prescribed medication
- Personal hygiene products
- Glasses/contact lenses
- Money (if possible)
- Clothing (night wear, underwear)
- Heirlooms, jewelry
- Photo albums (pictures that you want to keep)
- Craft, needle work, hobby work
- Children's items such as soothers/bottles, clothing, special blanket and/or toy
You have the right to live a life
free of abuse.
http://www.mhc.ab.ca/programs/con_studies/womens_rights/index.htm
(This web-site is meant as a resource for women who are being abused by their partner. This web-site has useful information about the law, even though it is Canada law. It will give you an idea of questions you should ask your lawyer. You may have many questions about your legal rights. You may have questions about money or emotional matters. There are places where you can get answers.)
Are You Thinking Of Going Back?
Has he changed or is it wishful thinking?
Since going back to your partner is such a big decision, you have to evaluate it carefully. You can't act too hastily or you may regret it later. Here are some questions to ask yourself:
1. Why are you thinking about going back?
Try to be honest with yourself. Is it for money? For the children? For the security? Because you are lonely? Or because you really love your partner and feel you can live with him? If so, are you willing to be hurt again? IF HE HURT YOU ONCE, HE WILL HURT YOU AGAIN - unless he makes the commitment to change and proves it by going for help on his own. If you are lonely, or feel overwhelmed by money or child rearing problems, you may yearn for the comfort zone - you know what is expected of you and what will happen. Are you afraid of theunknown? These aren't good reasons for trying to make an abusive relationship work. If you return before he makes changes, you are telling him it is okay for him to keep hurting you!
2. Why is he thinking about getting back together with you?
Is he trying to seduce you back? Buying you presents? Doing things for you that he has never done before? Making a lot of promises and telling you how much he loves and needs you? He may mean the promises when he makes them, but he cannot keep them, he doesn't know how. Is it because he genuinely loves you and is willing to make a real commitment to living nonviolently? Is he open to change himself? To get counseling for his problems? If he still blaming something or someone else for his violence, then he is still denying the problem and will revert back to same abusive behavior as soon as you return. He may simply be determined to win back to meet his own needs and to regain control over you. Is he telling you he will change, quit drinking or taking drugs, get a job, stay home more often - "if you will come back first?" His main goal right now is to regain control over you, and if promises don't work, he will probably turn to make threats toward you, your children, family or friends. Many abusers even threaten to hurt or kill themselves.
3. Has he really changed?
You so much want to believe that your partner has changed that you come to believe he has. Did he say he would change for you? Did he say he knows that he has a problem? He may realize that he has a problem and still do nothing to get help. You had better tread carefully. While people can change to some degree, they can't change for you. If you return home now, he may seem like he has changed. Things may go great for a while because both of you are in the Honeymoon Phase (see Cycle of Violence), but without professional help the violence will begin again, you just don't know when. Remember, even with counseling, it will take a long time, maybe years, for him to learn to be nonviolent.
4. Why did you leave?
When you are thinking about going home, you don't usually think about the reason that caused you to leave in the first place. But they are important to face because the same problems you had will come up again. If he has hit you once, he will hit you again. If you left because he was abusing you, chances are the abuse will be worse when you return. If he has an alcohol or drug problem, make excuses for him, or cover up for him, you are enabling him to continue his violent behavior.
5. Are you returning because you want to win?
Do you want to prove you can get him back so you don't feel so rejected? So that you can feel in control for a while? if you want to go back but haven't made any steps towards getting help, see if you can remain in the "just thinking" phase for a while. Stay separated for a while to give yourself time to get help and adjust and to give him time to prove that he is really serious about getting help. You may long for the security of your relationship now, but two weeks from now, when things are looking up, you may be delighted by your independence. Often these longings for the relationship have less to do with your feelings for him than your needs for security and familiarity. And these may change.
Article provided with permission and courtesy of:
Middle Way House, Inc.
P.O. Box 95, Bloomington, IN 47402 ~ 812-336-0846
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