DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
We have the tendency to make assumptions about everything. The problem with making assumptions is that we BELIEVE they are truth. We could swear they are real. We make assumptions about what others are doing or thinking - we take it personally - then we blame them and react by sending emotional poison with our words. That is why whenever we make assumptions, we are asking for problems. We make assumptions, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing.
All the sadness and drama you have lived in your life was rooted in making assumptions and taking things personally. We create a lot of emotional poison when we only see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear. We don't perceive things the way they are. Because we don't understand something, we make assumptions about the meaning, and when the truth comes out ... we find out it was not what we thought at all.
Making assumptions in our relationships is really asking for problems. Often we make the assumption that our partners know what we think and that we don't have to say what we want. We assume they are going to do what we want, because they know us so well. If they don't do what we assume they should do, we feel hurt and say, "You should have known."
When we believe in something we assume we are right about it to the point that we will destroy relationships in order to defend our position. We make the assumption that everyone sees life the way we do. We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse. This is the biggest assumption that humans make. And this is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others. Because we think everyone else will judge us, victimize us. abuse us and blame us as we do ourselves. So even before others have a chance to reject us, we have already rejected ourselves.
Often when you go into a relationship with someone you like, you have to justify why you like that person. You only see what you want to see and you deny there are things you don't like about that person.
Your love will not change anybody.
If others change, it's because they want to change, not because you can change them. Then something happens between the two of you, and you get hurt. Suddenly you see what you didn't want to see before, only now it is amplified by your emotional poison. Now you have to justify your emotional pain and blame them for your choices.
REAL LOVE IS ACCEPTING OTHER PEOPLE THE WAY THEY ARE WITHOUT TRYING TO CHANGE THEM.
If we try to change them, this means we don't really like them ... If others feel they have to change you, that means they really don't love you just the way you are. So why be with someone if you're not the way he or she wants you to be?
The way to keep yourself from making assumption is to ask questions. Make sure the communication is clear. If you don't understand, ask. Have the courage to ask questions until you are clear as you can be, and even then do not assume you know all there is to know about a given situation. Once you hear the answer, you will not have to make assumptions because you will know the truth.
Also, find your voice to ask for what you want. Everybody has the right to tell you no or yes, but you always have the right to ask. Likewise, everybody has the right to ask you, and you have the right to say yes or no.
If you don't understand something, it is better for you to ask and be clear, instead of making an assumption ... With clear communication, all of your relationships will change, not only with your partner, but with everyone else. You won't need to make assumptions because everything becomes so clear.
The Third Agreement id Don't make assumptions. Just saying that sounds easy, but I understand that it is difficult to do. It is difficult because we so often do exactly the opposite. We have all those habits and routines that we are not even aware of. Becoming aware of these habits and understanding the importance of this agreement is the first step. What will really make the difference is action.
After many repetitions these agreements will become second nature ... and your whole life will be transformed. What you need comes to you easily because spirit moves freely through you.
I read Don Miguel's words and agreed with him. He did make it sound easy, but it was tough. It felt awkward to think through "every little thing", especially when I was so accustomed to "flying by the seat of my pants". I had spent my whole life leaning on my own understanding and trusting my gut but my gut had taken me down some pretty goofy roads. I had always thought I "knew" things because I did have good intuition about a few things ... but I had to be honest with myself. How many times had that kind of thinking taken me down the wrong road?
The Four Agreements take practice ... lots of practice ... and I still don't always get it right. I call those times "jumping to confusion". I can feel the drama almost as soon as the curtain goes up! On a good day, I can self-correct before it even gets started. On a bad day, I can still get pulled into someone's drama or even create some of my own.
It is hardest for me to maintain and walk the four agreements with my kids.
One of my daughters has continually made bad choices in her relationships. I get hooked the drama created by her bad choices because I feel guilty. I wonder if she learned to make those bad choices from me? I wrongly accept responsibility for her actions and assumed that since I got her into this mess, it is my job to get her out. I have spent a lot of time, money and energy on elaborate "search and rescue missions". She got the attention she wanted every time and I got to feel like a hero once more but the whole situation was unhealthy for both of us. Her choices are her choices. She never learned from them as long as I accepted the consequences. In fact, anytime she wanted a little attention, she repeated those same choices and we'd all play our parts.
Recently, she hooked up with a man who seems to be the worst of all that have come before. She is doing all the typical things ... building him up as the PERFECT man, sharing all these DREAMY ideas about her future, and CHANGING her whole personality to fit his. I have to stay in the real world where no one is perfect and dreams are nice but show me some real work. But most of all, why change for someone else? She can't keep that up forever. Sooner or later, the real person comes out and I want for her to be with someone who loves her for who she REALLY is, not someone she pretends to be.
Instead of "playing my usual part", I told her what I just told you. I love her but I can't play an active part in her pretend world anymore. When she's ready to get back to the real world, I'll be right here waiting for her but the days of rushing in to save her are over for me. My course is clear. I worry about whether I am being a good mother still, but there is a bigger part of me that hopes that if she is faced with rescuing herself, she might actually learn to make better choices. I have hope.
I don't know where her path will take her but I have to let go. I can't assume this time will be the same as all the rest because, even though I am her mother, it is none of my business anymore. This is her life. I hope she figures it out. I can't and won't save her if she doesn't figure it out the first time, the second time or even the 237th time. It's up to her now.
Being able to make a clear decision about what is right for me is partly because of the four agreements. The Four Agreements have replaced a lot of the negative agreements I used to live by ... all the "shoulds" ... all the "rules" ... all the "ideas" that were just plain wrong. They never worked for me before but they felt familiar so I held on to them even though they hurt me and the people around me.
I do not know what goofy ideas you are holding unto but if something isn't working in your life, it might be one or more of those negative agreements influencing you and your feelings? There are some things we just won't be able to change or do anything about, but we can always do something about the way we feel or how we choose to react to those things. Dealing with things the same way over and over again, expecting different results, when they have never worked before, is a form of insanity.
Maybe, the Four Agreements will work?
The FIRST is to KEEP OUR SPEECH IMPECCABLE
The SECOND is to DON'T TAKE THING PERSONALLY
The THIRD is to ...
3. DON'T ASSUME ANYTHING.
Things are the way they are. Good or bad, this is where we are ... to learn from THIS moment. We are cheating ourselves when we assume we know why people, places and things are the way they are. Assuming only creates emotional poison and unnecessary drama. We will all know what we need to know when it is the right time to know it. Think of the trouble in our lives we could have avoided by just stopping ourselves from making assumptions!
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