Taking Care of YOU

 

There are many things in our lives that require us taking a moment to take care of ourselves.  Whether it's the death of a loved one, a major move, losing a job or starting a new one, a car accident, a terminal illness or the acknowledgement of our own abuse; it's in those darkest moments that we learn to give ourselves comfort.

 

How we choose to do that is different for all of us.

When I am worried or stressed, I clean!  There is something therapeutic about sweeping, scrubbing and dusting the cobwebs away that clears the cobwebs from my mind too.  In extreme stress, I have cleaned out closets and drawers and attics and even the crawl space under my house, sorting and getting rid of things I didn't need or use anymore ... donating some things to charity, selling some things on EBay, giving some things to my children ... just clearing out!

 

Before you call me to come clean your house too, I must say that there were also other times when I didn't have any energy at all ... where I just wanted to snuggle into my pillows, pile on the comforters and hide from the world!

I've asked other people what they do to comfort themselves, and we have come up with quite a list ...

• Praying
• Keeping busy
• Counting to ten
• Blocking things out of my mind
• Listening to music
• Going out with friends
• Shopping
• Going to a movie or renting one
• Taking a bath
• Yelling into a pillow
• Eating
• Cooking
• Baking Bread, Cookies or Cake
• Chocolate!
• Distracting myself
• Doing fun things
• Taking the kids to the zoo or an amusement park
• Reading a book or a magazine
• Socializing
• Calling a friend on the phone
• Talking to someone who is calming
• Meditating
• Seeing a Therapist
• Talking to my Family Doctor
• Taking medication for anxiety
• Avoiding certain people or places
• Exercising
• Going for a long walk
• Visiting a park
• Driving to a lake or the beach
• Driving to the mountains
• Just going for a drive
• Stopping at an Ice Cream Shop
• Reading the Bible
• Going out to dinner with friends
• Fantasizing
• Smoking a cigarette
• Going out and enjoying myself
• Writing poetry
• Writing in my journal - diary - blog
• Talking to people on the Internet
• Painting a picture
• Taking pictures
• Gardening
• Rearranging a room
• Painting a room
• Decorating a room
• Sewing
• Needlepoint or Knitting
• Playing with a dog or petting a cat
• Swimming
• Boating or Sailing or Kayaking
• Camping
• Joining a club
• Going to church
• Singing
• Going to a concert
• Playing piano or guitar
• Watching birds
• Star gazing
• Walking in the rain
• Doing something for someone else
• Writing a letter or sending a card to a friend who is far away
• Scrap-booking
• Working a crossword puzzle or a jigsaw puzzle
• Mountain climbing
• Riding a bicycle
• Getting out in nature
• Swinging on a swing
• Rocking in a chair
• Finding a private place to have a good cry
• Drinking a cup of herbal tea
• Picking fresh flowers for the table
• Lighting candles
• Listening to recorded sounds of water or rain or thunderstorms to relax
• Deep breathing exercises
• Yoga
• Drinking more water and eating healthier
• Getting a new hairstyle
• Getting a manicure or a pedicure
• Working out at a gym or joining an exercise class
• Kickboxing
• Karate
• Self-Defense Classes
• Sleeping
• Spending the whole weekend in your pajamas watching movies
• Going away for the weekend
• Having an old-fashioned slumber party with your friends
• Decorating for the next holiday
• Dancing
• Volunteering at a Children's Shelter or an Old Folks Home
• Talking to a Rabbi, Minister or Priest
• Reading or writing poetry
• Fixing something that is broken
• Woodworking
• Mowing the lawn
• Fishing
• Hunting
• Going to a Baseball or Football game
• Playing computer games
• Bowling
• Exploring a cave
• Hunting for rocks or visiting a goldmine
• Visiting a Museum
• Visiting an Art Gallery
• Helping a friend

Gosh!  You can see from that list that the choices are endless and some of them are better for you than others. 

What do you do to comfort yourself?

Some of us have gotten by in life by using things that may have felt good at the time but they really only added to our problems:

• Using Drugs
• Using Alcohol
• Using Sex
• Overeating
• Sleeping too much
• Watching too much tv
• Spending too much time on the computer
• Fighting
• Even cutting or self-mutilation

These things use what little energy you have to take even more energy away from you.  Some of those choices can even open you up to more hurt, creating more drama in your life and leaving you unable to cope with what's really going on.  They actually stop you from finding real solutions to your problems.

 

The only way out of any situation is to walk THROUGH it. 

You are where you are.  It's okay to be mad.  It's okay to feel sad.  It's okay to feel confused.  It's okay to feel hopeless.  We do more harm to ourselves by fighting those emotions than we would do if we just felt them.  It's not fun and it's not easy.  If any of those feelings become too much for you to bear alone, talk to someone.  Get help.  In fact, if we are talking about something here that is too much for you, it is perfectly okay for you to stop reading and walk away for a moment.  Come back when you are ready.

Take that moment to do something for you that brings you comfort.

 

I want to share an amazing truth with you: 

When our hearts are stretched by deep grief or loss, our hearts are also stretched to receive a deeper love and a deeper joy than any we have ever known before this time!

 

That's not a fairy tale promise or a pipe dream!  I know it's true because I lived it.  I didn't believe it when I first heard it, but one day at a time, the deep hurt began to be replaced by a deeper understanding of myself and the people around me.  With that, I found forgiveness for myself and others.  That brought a deeper peace.  That opened the way for a more meaningful life on all levels.  I'm sharing that with you now because even though things look dark now, there is hope.  We're going to look at some difficult things and some topics that might make you feel a little uncomfortable but ...

There is hope. 

We can learn from each other.  We can support each other.  It's okay to feel hurt and anger and sadness and grief and loss but it's also okay to have hope.
 
There will be times when you discover something about yourself that you never knew before.  You will learn about your strengths.  You will feel good when you learn something that helps you take better care of yourself and your children.  I am talking about getting support and giving yourself comfort first because there will also be times when you will feel overwhelmed.  There may be times you want to just give up.  There will be times that you are just plain sick and tired of being sick and tired.  There will be times where you will have to take a moment to ...

 

TAKE CARE OF YOU.

 

 

 

 

Tags: Abuse, Recovery, Healing, Comfort, Taking Care Of You

YOU Are A GOOD Person ...

... who has found yourself in a bad place, but you are doing something about it.

You admitted to at least one person that you are being abused!

Are you afraid to think about what might happen next?
Are you feeling overwhelmed?
Do you think it would help if you had more time to think?

While you're trying to figure out what you want, I have a few questions you might want to ask yourself too ...

What makes you feel good about yourself?
What have other people said or done that made you feel good about yourself?
What have other people said or done that made you feel bad about yourself?
Have there been times in your life when you felt better about yourself than at other times?
Why do you think that is?
How much do you care about what other people think about you?
Does someone else's opinion of you mean more to you than your opinion of yourself?
How do you think abuse has effected your self esteem?
Is there something you could do today to make you feel better about yourself?

Before I read that it was actually helpful to engage in positive self-talk, I had an idea.  If most of my friends feel like they can turn to me when they are in trouble and I give good advice to them, why can't I be as loving with myself?  I pretended that my problems were not mine but my best friends ... If my friend were in trouble, I'd talk to them or write them a letter.  I'd tell them I loved them and how much I cared for them and try to encourage them.  I wrote myself the following letter:

  

Dear Taylor,  

I am going to write you as if you were my friend, and not, in fact, myself.  I know where you are at.  I watched you fall.  I saw you cry when no one else did.  I want you to know that I forgive you for hurting me, Taylor.  You made a few mistakes.  So what?  I'm not disappointed in you.  They reminded you that you are only human.  As many things as you have accomplished in your life, it didn't hurt for you to be humbled.  I know it hurts for people to see you falling apart.  I know it's embarrassing.  Don't hide from the truth!  Face it! 

Face every one of those silly fears!  Be brave.  Your fears can't hurt you.  YOU can make them go away, one by one!  

It seems like the biggest burden that you carry is the love you feel for the unlovable.  You want so badly to help and change and fix.  Have you forgotten that only God can help and change and fix?  Sometimes, He uses you.  Sometimes, He puts that person on your heart for only a little while, so you can pray.  Release them.  Sometimes, He lets you walk with them through a trouble spot to remind them that they are not alone.  Let them go.  Other times, He has allowed you to open your heart to exactly the kind of person YOU needed to meet. 

Learn the lesson.  

Which lesson?  The one where you give EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT in the hopes that SOMEONE WILL WANT TO TAKE CARE OF YOU ... where you stop being who you are to be who you think they want you to be.  Don't you think it's odd that you can be in a room of 100 men, and instinctively, you find the one who needs you most?  They always need YOU, but did YOU ever really NEED them?  Were most of the men in your life the kind of person who could take care of you, to begin with? 

From the very start, you want to believe in them, and they set out to prove to you why you shouldn't, couldn't and wouldn't if you were in any other kind of relationship with them!  Sprinkle a little romance dust over a scoundrel and you will bite every time!  I'm not putting you down, but it has gotten to be down right comical, don't you think?  

Taylor, it's like you jump into the deep end of the lake to save someone who can't swim, and they always end up pulling you down, because in romantic relationships, you are not a strong swimmer!  You never have been!  If you are going to keep playing in the deep water, we need to get you swimming lessons! 

We need to develop some skills that will make you look before you leap.  I don't want you to get so hurt anymore.  I want you to protect yourself, because if you don't, who will?  

Before I sign out, I want to say one more thing.  I am proud of you!  I know this isn't easy.  I know you want to give up.  I know you are hurting.  I know you are afraid.  I also know you are VERY BRAVE!  Sometimes, you have the courage of ten people, especially when you are defending someone else! 

It's time for you to defend yourself!  If you don't, who will?  

Take care Darlin!



Maybe, it would help you think more clearly if you wrote down how you feel?  Answer your own questions.  It's not a test.  No one is going to check your spelling or grade your answers.  YOUR answers are YOUR answers.  This is something you are doing just for you. 

If you aren't comfortable writing ... go to the mirror and talk to yourself.  Tell yourself ...

I love you (your name).
You are a good person.
You have made a few mistakes but so has everyone else.
I forgive you.
I am going to start taking better care of you.
I am a smart woman and I will figure out what I need to do.
This is my life.
I am in charge of my life.
I believe in you.
I trust you to do the right thing.

It will feel silly at first ... but it might become a habit.  In times of extreme stress or when I am facing a tough situation, I have been known to give myself a pep talk now and then ... at home, in the car, on a walk ... on the way into a meeting ...

Let me tell you a funny story.  If I am in public, I'll flip open my cell and pretend to be talking to someone else when I am really giving myself a pep talk.  I was standing outside a building talking to myself on the phone and a lady overheard me.  I closed the phone and turned to go into the building when the lady stopped me.  She said, "I just have to tell you that you just gave your friend the kindest advice.  She's lucky to have you for a friend."

That lady was right.  I am lucky to have me for a friend! 

The same is true for YOU.  Life might be a little messy right now.  You are hurting and confused, overwhelmed and afraid ... but deep down inside you is the GREATEST ally and BEST friend you will ever have.  Things might get worse before they get better, but YOU can get through it!  YOU have already survived the WORST part!

YOU have a heart big enough to love someone no matter what he did to you!  YOU have a heart big enough to love YOU too!  IT'S YOUR TURN TO ...

TAKE CARE OF YOU

Getting The Support You Need

Even as I write, I know that there are some of you who read this and you are saying to yourself:

Our relationship isn't perfect and he gets mad a lot but we have to understand that ...

          He's been under a lot of pressure
          He's been having problems at work
          He had a tough childhood
          He hasn't been feeling well lately
          He worries about money
          He only gets that way when he drinks
          It's my fault because I don't pay him enough attention
          It's my fault because I spend too much money
          It's my fault because I never have supper ready fast enough

Sweetheart ... Those are the excuses he gives you, but they aren't true.  Other men get crabby, worried, anxious, nervous, hungry, hot, sleepy and even drunk without taking it out on everyone else!

 

I also know that some of you will read what happens to other women and say ... "Well, you see there, My guy gets mad once in a while but he'd never do ... (the one bad thing in the other person's story like rape, send to the emergency room, beat, burn, kill)" ... But deep down, there is another part of you that whispers ...

"He hasn't done that YET."

You will justify his behavior, make excuses for him, cover marks with make-up, wear sunglasses so people can't see that you have been crying or that you have a black eye, kill yourself to try to do everything perfect so he won't have a reason to get mad again, walk on eggshells, not talk to any men so that he won't get jealous ... for as long as you can ... and one day, you'll look at yourself in the mirror and wonder, "Why am I doing this?"

Then what? 

Who do you talk to?  That's not always an easy choice.  Your dearest friends and your closest relatives might not understand.  They might be in denial about their own relationships.  They might like pretending such things don't happen.  It's okay.  You have felt that way yourself!  But now, you don't have a choice!  You know it happens.  You have lived it and an important part of your recovery is talking about what happened and not having to worry about offending anyone while you talk.  

I chose my people carefully.  Most people won't know what to say.  They will want to help you.  It's okay to let them know ahead of time that you don't expect them to come up with any answers ... that it would help you if they would listen so you could get some things off your chest.  

This article will help other people understand where you're at ... cause you know and I know that, in the beginning, we aren't really sure ourselves where we are at!

How Can I Help My Daughter, Sister, Or Friend Who Is Being Abused?  

THE ABUSER:   Pressures me severely.
SO YOU SHOULD:   Be patient.  Remember that it will take time for me to sort out my confusion and figure out how to handle my situation.  

THE ABUSER:   Talks down to me.
SO YOU SHOULD:   Address me as an equal.  If you speak to me as if you are smarter or wiser than I am, or as if I am going through something that could never happen to you, then you inadvertently confirm exactly what the abuser has been telling me, which is that I am beneath him.  Remember, your actions speak louder than your words.  

THE ABUSER:   Thinks he knows better than me what is good for me.
SO YOU SHOULD:   Treat me as the expert on my own life.  Don't assume that you know what I need to do.  

THE ABUSER:   Dominates conversations.
SO YOU SHOULD:   Listen more and talk less.  The temptation may be great to convince me what a "jerk" he is, to analyze his motives, to give speeches covering entire chapters of a book.  But talking too much inadvertently communicates to me that your thoughts are more important than mine, which is exactly how my abuser treats me.  If you want me to value my own feelings and opinions, then you have to show me that you value them.  

THE ABUSER:   Believes he has the right to control my life.
SO YOU SHOULD:   Respect my right to self-determination.  I am entitled to make decisions that are not exactly what you would choose, including the decision to stay with my abusive partner or to return to him after separation.  You can't convince me that my life belongs to me if you are simultaneously acting like it belongs to you.  Please stay by me even when and if I makes choices that you don't like.  

THE ABUSER:  Assumes he understands my children and their needs better than I do.
SO YOU SHOULD:   Assume that I am a competent, caring mother.  Remember that there is no simple way to determine what is best for my children.  Even if I leave the abuser, the children's problems are not necessarily over, and sometimes, abusers actually create worse difficulties for the children post separation than before.  You cannot help me to find the best path for my children unless you have a realistic grasp of the complicated set of choices that face me.  

THE ABUSER:   Thinks FOR me.
SO YOU SHOULD:   Think with me.  Don't assume the role of teacher or rescuer.  Instead, join forces with me as a respectful and equal team member.  

Notice that BEING the opposite of the abuser does not just mean SAYING the opposite of what he says.  If he beseeches me with, "Don't leave me, Don't leave me," and you stand on the other side badgering me with "Leave him, Leave him": I will feel like you are both telling me what to do!  I will feel that you're acting just like him because you are both pressuring me to accept your judgment of what I should do.  Neither of you is asking me the empowering question,  

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

(from the book: WHY DOES HE DO THAT - Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft)

You can choose your friends and family carefully, tell them what happened and ask them for their support.  Truthfully. most people don't know HOW to help or WHAT TO DO but they do love you and they do care.  Make it easy for them and you by sharing this article with them. 

They love you.  They'll want to DO something to help.  Here is a list of what other women said helped them.  It's good for all of us to remember that we are all figuring this out at the same time.



Offering Your Help ~ Acknowledge my situation:

• Do this very gently.  If I am unwilling to acknowledge the abuse, please don't press the issue.

• Do it very carefully.  Not only am I afraid; I am in danger.  If my abuser finds out I spoke with you, he will take it out on me.

• No matter how I respond to your overture, assure me that your interest is in my safety and welfare and that anything I tell you will be held in confidence.

• Remind me know that whenever I want, I can look at material you have about abusive relationships.  It would help if I could use your computer to look things up.  He can't track me on your computer.

• Please Support Me.

• When I run myself down, point out my strengths.  Your encouragement is a lifeline to me!

• If I need to talk without coming to resolution, let me.  I'm trying to figure things out and it helps when I can talk to someone who won't judge me.

• When I'm ready to make a move, help me determine what I will need, offer to keep a suitcase, money, and important papers, be a point of contact for me if I am in hiding.

• Watch the children when I have important appointments or just to give me a break, if you can.

• Believe in me.  Expect that there will be set-backs and changes of heart.  Let me know that leaving is a process and that you know I can and will make necessary changes in my life.  Know that I am doing the best that I can.

• Acknowledge the reality of the losses that I face.

• Take care of yourself.

• There is a risk that your relationship with me could become so dependent that you feel overwhelmed.  It's okay to say you are feeling overwhelmed and suggest or refer me to a resource that will help you share the burden.

• Don't do anything that puts you at risk from the abuser.  If it is safe, continue whatever quality of relationship we had before you became aware of the abuse.  I will understand.

• Don't intervene physically; don't ever threaten him.

• If he makes threats, take out a protective order against him and report any and all violations.  I want YOU to be safe as much as you want me to be safe.
  
  (Middle Way House, P.O. Box 95, Bloomington, IN  47402   812-336-0846)
  

It was very rough for me at the beginning.  I was in shock, denial, grieving, angry, profoundly sad, anxious, afraid, hopeful ... and sometimes, it seemed like I felt all that at the same time!  There's no easy way through all the emotions.  When we are hurt, there are people around us who are hurt too.  Seeing the hurt in my children's faces ... realizing that I had to protect myself and them ... is the thing that started me on my recovery.  It wasn't easy to ask for help, but I am so glad that I did!  My resolve and self esteem grew as time went by, but I never could have done it alone.  I thank God for my friends and family.  They were really here for me. 

Are you wishing you had some support?  Maybe, you just have to ask the people that love you for what you need?

 

 

Tags: abuse, domestic violence, getting support, giving support to victims, recovery, healing, Why Does He Do That, Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft

There Are RED FLAGS And Warning Signs

You know what people say about hindsight being 20/20?  After being in recovery for almost 3 years, I can look back at my experience with much more clarity and much less confusion that when I was still "under the spell" ... Even after I was free of his direct influence, his manipulative ideas and abusive statements continued to effect my judgment.  I missed red flags and ignored warning signs for years.

Let's Talk About Those RED FLAGS !!!

Abuse doesn't start with physical violence.  An abuser can do just as much damage and establish "his control" by tearing away at your mind and spirit before he ever harms your body.

In the September, 2004 issue of OPRAH Magazine, toward the back is an article about abuse:

Abusive Men: The Red Flags

1. He pushes too far, too fast, planning your future together right away.
2. He hates his mother and is nasty to her.
3. He wants your undivided attention.
4. He must always be in charge.
5. He always has to win.
6. He breaks promises all the time.
7. He can't take criticism and always justifies his actions.
8. He blames someone else for anything that goes wrong.
9. He's jealous of your close friends, family members, and all other men.
10. He always asks you where you went and whom you saw.
11. He has extreme highs and lows that are unpredictable.
12. He has a mean temper.
13. He often says you don't know what you're talking about.
14. He makes you feel like you're not good enough.
15. He withdraws his love or approval as punishment.
16. He pushes you to do things that make you feel uneasy, like taking the day off from work or even breaking the law.

The article in the magazine says ... THESE MEN DON'T COME WITH WARNING LABELS ... That's the TRUTH!!!  But that list of red flags is a good place to start!  Another book breaks down the abuse:

LOVING HIM WITHOUT LOSING YOU
by Beverly Engel  

Ms. Engel breaks down the various forms of abuse and the effect of that abuse.  

Emotional Abuse  

There are many ways of being abused without anyone laying a hand on you.  Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones.  Whether it is done by constant berating or belittling, by intimidation, by manipulation, or under the guise of "guidance" or "teaching", the results are similar.  Eventually, you lose all sense of self and all remnants of personal value.  

Domination  

Those who have a need to dominate have to have their own way - insisting on making all the decisions, not allowing the other person to have an opinion or speak their mind.  Men who dominate also need to be in charge, and because of this they often try to control their partner's every action.  

Unreasonable Expectations  

When your partner's needs and expectations are unreasonable, you can never win.  It is unreasonable for a man to expect that you will put everything aside to satisfy his every whim.  It is unreasonable for someone to expect that you will put up with selfishness, constant demands, and ingratitude indefinitely.  The more you give him, the more permission you give him to find fault in you!  

Verbal Abuse  

This behavior involves berating, belittling, criticizing, name-calling, screaming, threatening, blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation.  It is extremely damaging to your self-esteem and self-image.  Verbal abuse assaults the mind and the spirit, causing wounds that are extremely difficult to heal.  

Blaming  

A blamer is a person who automatically assumes that whenever something goes wrong it is someone else's fault.  This person never admits to being responsible for something or for doing something wrong.  He will always justify or rationalize his behavior by trying to convince you that his behavior is an understandable reaction to some deficiency in you, or that he was provoked into doing it by something you did ... Women with a damaged sense of self are especially susceptible to men who blame because they tend to blame themselves so much. It's almost automatic to look to herself first as the cause of problems in her relationships.  She is the first to acknowledge her faults and shortcomings and to admit any mistakes she may have made.  This gives a blamer ample ammunition to use against her in the future.  The next time there is a disagreement, he will bring up her vulnerable as the reasons for his poor behavior.  

Constant Criticism  

When someone continuously finds fault, can never be pleased, and is unrelentingly critical of you, it is the insidious nature and cumulative effects of the abuse that do the damage.  This type of abuse eats away at your self-confidence and sense of worth.  Eventually you become convinced that nothing you do is worthwhile, and you may feel like giving up.  

Emotional Blackmail  

Emotional Blackmail is one of the most powerful forms of manipulation.  It occurs when someone either consciously or unconsciously coerces other people into doing what he wants by playing on their fear, guilt, or compassion.  Women, in particular, are easily exploited because they tend to place others' wishes and feelings ahead of their own.  You are being emotionally blackmailed when a man threatens to end a relationship if you don't give him what he wants,or when he rejects you or distances himself from you until you give in to his demands.  If your partner gives you the "cold shoulder" whenever he is displeased with you, threatens to leave you, or uses other fear tactics to get you under his control, he is using the tactic of emotional blackmail. 

The following are warning signs that you are being emotionally blackmailed:

• Your Partner asks you to choose between something you want to do and him.
• Your partner asks you to give up something or someone as a way of proving your love for him.
• Your partner threatens to leave you if you don't change.  

True emotional abuse is distinguished by the following:

• It is constant, as opposed to occasional.
• The intent is to devalue and denigrate rather than to simply state a complaint.
• The intent is to dominate and control rather than to provide constructive criticism.
• The person has an overall attitude of disrespect towards you, rather than just not liking something specific you are doing.  

 

Don't allow your partner to
verbally,
emotionally or physically
abuse you.

 

Verbal abuse includes calling you derogatory names (bitch, whore) or telling you are stupid, ugly, fat or insane. 

Emotional abuse is trying to make you think you are crazy, threatening to end the relationship if you don't do as he says, or threatening to hit you if you don't be quiet. 

Physical abuse includes hitting, punching, pushing, tripping, or dragging.  It also includes breaking down doors, putting his fist through windows, breaking dishes, or throwing things at you. 

Tactics of intimidation are forms of abuse, even if he doesn't physically touch you.  Don't tolerate these tactics.  Call them what they are:

ABUSE. 

Abusive men are EXPERTS at keeping their victims off balance because it is one of their many tools to maintain control ... which is THE ONLY thing they really want!  While you are focused on LOVING, he is focused on WINNING.  His perception of WINNING changes constantly ... which is why one demand leads to another and we spend too much time trying to keep up to them.  Any time we get too close to discovering his true nature, any time we challenge the status quo, any time we show independence and stand up to him, we will find ourselves in the most confusing conversations.  He can talk us in circles and will accuse us of the very thing we are saying about him!  He can and will stand the whole situation on it's head and reverse reality.  We will neverknow what hit us!  We will start the conversation,determined to make our point, only to leavethe conversation, more confused than when we started and with no resolution.  On occasion, he really wins by convincing us that he is NOT the problem ... we are! 

If you are being abused, it's important that you get help ... from wherever you can!  You are NOT the one with the problem.  He is.  No one deserves to be abused, no matter what.  You didn't do one thing to cause him to be an abuser.  Men who abuse are what they are.  Nothing you do or don't do will change him unless he wants to, and few of them ever want to change because they don't think they are the ones with the problem!  15 minutes after he calls you a name ... 15 minutes after he belittles you ... 15 minutes after he hits you, he's already convinced himself that you deserved it and it's all YOUR fault!!!  

If you don't hear anything else, please hear this: 

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

It never was ...

 

Tags: abuse, domestic violence, red flags, warning signs, loving him without losing you, Beverly Engel, recovery, healing

Abuse Happens

 

Abuse is like a weed ... The only way to get rid of it for good is to pull it out by the root!

 

There are a lot of goofy ideas floating around about victims of abuse ...

 

MYTHS ABOUT VICTIMS:

• She must have asked for it.
• She must have provoked him.
• She deserved it.
• She must like it or she would leave.
• She is just exaggerating to get attention.
• She must be lying.  Their partner is such a nice guy.
• She said she just fell.
• People like that are always getting into fights.
• That sort of thing would never happen in my neighborhood.
• That sort of thing would never happen to anyone in my family.
• That sort of thing would never happen to me.
• I'm too smart to fall into that trap.

I could say a great big loud ...
 
"OH REALLY?"

... because the truth is that anyone can be abused.  It begins slowly ... and before the person knows it, their relationship and their life is spinning out of control ...

Most of us have a powerful need to believe that we could never love someone who could hurt us this much.

No one wants to believe that anyone could purposely hurt them, so the victim makes excuses, downplays the mean comments ... or even pretends nothing is wrong ... But little by little, their self-esteem suffers, they lose their confidence, they might overcompensate ... going way out of their way to pacify the abuser, they might try to fight back, or they might even try to get away ... but when nothing they try seems to work, they might even start to wonder if it's them that's crazy!

If you think you can spot a victim from a mile away, you might be surprised!  Victims are tall, short, skinny, fat, old, young, rich, poor, educated, illiterate, blue collar, white collar ... and no matter where they come from and what their story is, they DO NOT DESERVE what's happening to them.

What abusers and their victims do deserve is your COMPASSION.  Their path was set a long time before they ever even met each other.  In fact, each probably felt comfortable with one another, in the first place, because they both were reminded of someone they already knew ... We all make relationship choices, based on past experience ... the DISTANT past.  I have heard it so many times, it must be true, that we choose people who tend to be a lot like the parent we had the most trouble with when we were growing up.  It's like, one way or another, we are looking for resolution to those conflicts from so long ago.  Children learn what to expect from the rest of the world by the way they are treated at home.  Those early lessons stay with us for the rest of our lives ... even if they are wrong.

If You are the victim, you might need time to think.  I know how much you wish you could go back to the beginning and start all over ... but you can't.  There is only one first kiss!  You are where you are.  Take a deep breath.  There are myths about the abuser too ...  The myths are still just excuses, and there is no good excuse for such a bad thing. I read this book ...


WHY DOES HE DO THAT?
INSIDE THE MINDS of ANGRY and CONTROLLING MEN
by Lundy Bancroft

The abuser creates confusion because he hasto.  He can'tcontrol and intimidate you, he can't recruit people around him to take his side, he can't keep escaping the consequences of his actions, unless he can throw everyone off track.  When the world catches on to the abuser, his power begins to melt away.  

In one important way, an abusive man works like a magician: His tricks largely rely on getting you to look off in the wrong direction, distracting your attention so that you won't notice where the real action is.  He draws you into focusing on the turbulent world of his feelings to keep your eyes turned away from the true cause of his abusiveness, which lies in how he THINKS.  He leads you into a convoluted maze, making your relationship with him a labyrinth of twists and turns.  He wants you to puzzle over him, to try to figure him out, as though he were a wonderful but broken machine for which you need only to find and fix the malfunctioning parts to bring it roaring to its full potential.  His desire, though he may not admit it even to himself, is that you wrack your brain in this way so that you won't even notice the patterns and logic of his behavior, the consciousness behind the craziness.  

Above all, the abusive man wants to avoid having you zero in on his abusiveness itself.  So he tries to fill your head up with excuses and distortions and keep you weighed down with self-doubt and self-blame.   

The mythology about abusive men that runs through modern culture has been created largely by the abusers themselves.  Abusive men concoct explanations for their actions which they give to their partners, therapists, clergymen, relatives, and social researchers.  But it is a serious error to allow abusers to analyze and account for their own problems.  Would we ask an active alcoholic to tell us why he or she drinks, and then accept the explanation unquestioningly?  When we hear excuses from a drunk, we assume they are exactly that - excuses.  So why should we let angry and controlling men be the authority on partner abuse?  Our first task, therefore, is to remove the abusive man's smoke and mirrors, and then set about watching carefully to see what he is really doing.

MYTHS ABOUT ABUSERS  (his excuses) 

• His previous partner hurt him.
• He abuses those he loves most.
• He holds in his feelings too much.
• He has an aggressive personality.
• He loses control.
• He is too angry.
• He is mentally ill.
• He hates women.
• He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment.
• He has low self-esteem.
• His boss mistreats him.
• He has poor skills in communication and conflict resolution.
• There are as many abusive women as abusive men.
• His abusiveness is as bad for him as his partner.
• He is a victim of racism.
• He abuses alcohol or drugs.  

The abuser's mood changes are especially perplexing.  He can be a different person from day to day, or even from hour to hour.  At times he is aggressive and intimidating, his tone harsh, insults spewing from his mouth, ridicule dripping from him like the oil from a drum.  When he is in this mode, NOTHING she says seems to have any impact on him, except to make him even angrier.  Her side of the argument counts for nothing in his eyes, and everything is her fault.  He twists her words around so that she always ends up on the defensive.  She will find yourself feeling like she just can't seem to do anything right.  

When he is mad at you, does he react by throwing things, punching doors, or kicking the cat?  Does he use violent gestures such as gnashing teeth, ripping at his clothes, or swinging his arms around in the air to show his rage?  Haveyou been frightened when he does those things?  

Is he willing to take responsibility for those behaviors and agree to stop them, or does he justify them angrily?  

Can he hear you when you say that those bad behaviors frighten you, or does he throw the subject back on you, saying that you cause his behaviors, so it's your own problem if you're scared?  

Does he attempt to use his scary behaviors as bargaining chips, such as saying that he won't punch walls if you are willing to stop going out with your friends?

Does he deny that he even engaged in the scary behaviors, such as claiming that a broken door was caused by somebody else or that you are making up or exaggerating what happened?  

Does he ever make veiled threats, such as "You don't want to see me mad," or "you don't know who you are messing with"?  

Is he severely verbally abusive?  Research studies indicate that the BEST behavioral predictor of which men will become violent to their partners is THEIR LEVEL OF VERBAL ABUSE.

REALITIES ABOUT ABUSERS  (the TRUTH)

• He is controlling.
• He feels entitled.
• He twists things into their opposites.
• He disrespects his partner and considers himself superior to her.
• He confuses love and abuse.
• He is manipulative.
• He strives to have a good public image.
• He feels justified.
• Abusers deny and minimize their abuse.
• Abusers are possessive.  

The symptoms of abuse are there, and the victim usually sees them: the escalating frequency of put-downs.  Early generosity turning more and more to selfishness.  Verbal explosions when he is irritated or when he doesn't get his way.  His grievances constantly turned around on her, so that everything is her own fault.  His growing attitude that he knows what is good for her better than she does.  And, in many relationships, a mounting sense of fear or intimidation.  But the woman also sees that her partner is a human being who can be caring and affectionate at times, and she loves him.  She wants to figure out why he gets so upset, so that she can help him break the patterns of ups and downs. 

Victims don't really need an "expert" on abuse to explain their life to them; what they do need above all is some support and encouragement to hold on to their own truth.  The abuser wants to deny their victim that experience.  He wants to pluck her view of reality out of her head and replace it with his reality.  When someone has invaded the victim's identity in this way enough times, the victim naturally starts to lose her balance.  But they can find their way back to center.  

Mr. Lundy's book has so much good information.  Even now, I find myself reading different parts of it.  These aren't just lists ... they are signs ... things to look for. 

If you are living this life, things are pretty bad ... and as scary as it might be to think about, things could even get worse. 

Please take care of yourself. 




By the way ... I write with the abuser being male and the victim being female because my abuser was a man and I am a woman but I recognize thatwomen abuse men, men abuse other men and women abuse other women and both sexes have abused children ... Abuse of any kind is wrong. 
I do not know your individual story or the challenges you face, but I do know that all victims carry deep hurts ... and I still believe with all my heart that victims can survive and heal and grow past that place, one day at a time ... I am not a professional counselor and nothing here can take the place of a skilled therapist.  No one has ever been EXACTLY where you are but plenty of us have been close enough to care and understand.  You are not alone.
If you have never thought much about abuse because it has never happened to you, I am asking you to consider the possibility that there are people who are being abused and a kind word from you might make all the difference.  Please don't add to their pain.  Be kind.  A little compassion goes a long way. 

Tags: Abuse, Domestic Violence, Why Does He Do That?, Inside the minds of angry and controlling men, Lundy Bancroft, healing, recovery

Sometimes, It's Good To Look At Where We Have Been ...

 

... So We Can See How Far We Have Come!

 

I was inspired eight months ago!  I started keeping a journal about the things I am learning in recovery from the effects of domestic violence, but along the way, I learned that recovery from domestic violence is the same as recovery from drugs or alcohol or anything else that is taking over your life.  

I remember ...

• Wondering what happened
• Feeling hurt and confused
• Blaming myself 
• Walking on eggshells 
• Feeling nervous most of the time
• Making excuses for his bad moods
• Justifying his bad behavior 
• Appetite Loss 
• Not being able to sleep 
• Feeling afraid
• Pretending nothing was wrong
• Feeling Isolated 
• Feeling embarrassed 
• Being afraid to tell anyone
• Not thinking anyone would understand 
• Worrying about what people would think
• Thinking no one would understand
• Feeling trapped 

I remember ... 


Do any of those things sound familiar?

Any similarity between my story and someone else's is actually one of the strange coincidences about abusers ... abusers seem to call us the same names ... treat us all in the same way ... play the same dirty tricks ... I think they are similar because, when each of them thinks of the worst thing they can do, they all scoop from the bottom of the same barrel. 

I served my time in hell.  I fought my way out.  I did the work.  I SURVIVED.  I got past the abuse by moving forward ... through the dark to the other side. 

I was blessed to have the support of really good people that believed in me.  One of the most supportive people then and now was Joey.  He never let me give up.  He came to me as a friend ... my BEST friend ... and after years apart, we married for the second time!  Choosing to walk with someone through such a dark place is a story in itself and I will share that part of the story with you later.  I promise.  I am mentioning it now because neither of us would want anyone to think that Joey was the man who abused me!  When I decided to make my story public to reach more people, Joey and I talked about things that were important to us.  We agreed that what we have learned could help other people who are still out there.
   

I know you are out there.  I know you are scared.  I know you don't know what to do.  I know he or she tells you that you are no good.  He or she blames you ... that everything is all your fault.  I know that he or she keeps everything so confusing that sometimes you don't know which way is up.  I know it feels like being lost in the dark.  

I don't have all the answers.  I'm just one woman ... who found a way out of that dark place.  I don't care what other people think!  I know some people won't understand.  I know some people don't want to believe abuse happens because they are still in denial ... Maybe, they were abused?  Maybe, they are abusing someone else?  Maybe, they have turned their back on a sister or a friend because the abuse was just too hard to watch?  How people react isn't always about you. 

I remember, in the beginning, I just wanted someone to hear me.   

I believe you.  

I'm sending help in the only way I know how.  I'm sending you the words that helped me heal.  I'm sending you the wisdom of people much smarter than me.  I'm not judging you or telling you what to do.  I'm sending you love and prayers and encouragement.  I want you to know ...
  

There is a way out!  

It doesn't matter how you got here.  It doesn't matter what your abuser says!  He is WRONG!  You are a good person.  You have a big heart and so much to give. You don't deserve the abuse!  It's not your fault!  Sweetie, it never was!  

We'll talk about how you can stop the abuse in your life and get your life back ... Until then, no matter what,
  

Take Care Of YOU!

 

    

Tags: Abuse, Recovery, Healing, Take Care Of You

Happy Fathers Day

 

While fixing and delivering breakfast in bed to the man who has been more of a father than a step-father to my four children, I thought about the FATHERS in my life ...

My relationship with my real father has always been complicated.  He was the first difficult man I ever knew ...  He had his own issues, a crummy childhood with an abusive, alcoholic father, my father felt best when he controlled his world and the people in it.  I have never been easily controlled.  From the moment I expressed independent thought, I was a challenge to him.  I asked too many questions, pushed too many limits, broke too many rules.  The more rules I broke, the more rules Dad created.  I honored the rules that made sense and questioned the ones that didn't.  He hated that and still doesn't like being questioned.  He is a true Patriarch.  He calls the shots. 

I was the oldest of 10 children.  With a crowd like that, being the oldest meant being the leader whether I wanted to be or not.  I hated the words, "You need to be a good example to the younger children" but I accepted the duty most of the time.  I didn't like feeling like the "third parent" ... but being a "protector" and a "guide" are as much a part of who I am now as "hazel eyes" or an "easy smile" ... Standing up to my father when I thought he was wrong or unfair conditioned me for all the other things that happened in my life that have been wrong or unfair.  It planted strength deep in my spirit, tucking it away for moments when I needed it, and I have needed it. At those times when I showed the most strength or the most courage, my Mom would say, "You are so much like your Dad."  We are alike.  "Protector" and "Guide" can feel different than "Controlling Patriarch Ruler" to Dad and me but the actions can look the same to someone else.  My Dad has mellowed with age.  He has been disappointed by the outcomes of his advice ... and in recent years, he has even said, "I didn't know ..." when family crisis included legal battles or medical problems that exceeded the realm of Dad's experience.  The words "I don't know" coming from a man who pretended to know everything for all those years couldn't have come easily.

Trying and wishing and hoping for being the "perfect daughter" ... for one day earning the "Daddy Seal of Approval" might have been the next generation of my own father trying and wishing and hoping for being the "perfect son" ... for one day earning the "Daddy Seal of Approval" too ... The feminine side of that coin is an easier one, if I only consider that it was okay for me to cry and a sin if Dad did.  It was acceptable for me to go in search of myself ... to dissect the aspects of my personality, to ask questions, to admit confusion and weakness, to accept help from others when I lost my way in the search of me.  My dad was trapped in the words, "BIG BOYS DON'T CRY" and "I AM ALWAYS RIGHT" and "NEVER QUESTION THE FATHER.  I AM THE FATHER" and "MEN ARE STRONG AND MUST NEVER BE WEAK."

If Dad and I were surviving the same shipwreck in the same stormy sea, my Dad was the one who clung to a piece of floating debris and I am the one who leaves the wreck and swims to shore.  The storm has mostly ended.  The shore is in sight.  My Dad is paddling on his float and I am still swimming toward shore.  It remains to be seen who will have made the best choice.

But in between then and what will be, I have plenty of time to think about the other men who have been like fathers to me ...

I met the man I call Pop almost 25 years ago.  He had four sons and I suppose in a way, I became the daughter he never had ... We had conversations about life that he would have had with his own daughter and I wished I could have had with my own father.  We were all devastated when his wife (a second mom as well) got cancer.  I got in the habit of calling every week or so to check on them, visited a few times to help him take care of her, and listened to him cry when she was gone.  I kept calling.  We kept talking through his life and mine, he told me how proud he was of me and I would tell him how proud I was of him.  We encouraged each other, advised each other and listened to the happy stories, the sad stories and all the ones in between.  Pop and his sons are all men's men.  They're rough and tough and macho ... and again ... being men, they don't talk about the same things Pop and I talk about, because "MEN DON'T TALK ABOUT THOSE THINGS".  I suppose where my own Father taught me strength, Pop taught me that even the toughest men feel very deeply about things they may never say out loud.  I learned to understand men in the interactions between him and his sons.  Sometimes, I just observed.  Sometimes, I have been the feminine translator, the go-between.  I always felt like I was doing what Mom (his wife) would have wanted me to. 

There were four other men who were or nearly were my FATHER-IN-LAWs ... On this day, in another time, I would have honored them ... This morning, I thought of them too ...

I never met JL.  Joey's Dad had passed away long before I ever met Joey.  I have heard stories about him from Joey's family and from businessmen in town who knew him.  I think I would have liked him.  He was quite a character.  He liked life and he liked having fun.  One of my favorite stories is from a man who sold him insurance.  JL told the insurance man he'd buy insurance from him if he'd beat JL arm wrestling!  I don't think I ever heard of that business strategy, but the insurance salesman did beat him in arm wrestling and JL bought from him.

 

Phil was polished and professional.  If I close my eyes, I see him in a business suit.  He was a good man from a good family and it showed in everything he did.  I don't think I ever heard a bad thing come from his mouth.  He was kind to every one, no matter what their station in life was, he treated them with the same kindness.  I loved his bear hugs.

 

Choc was a wild man till the day he died.  I met him when he was almost 100 years old.  He was full blooded Cherokee-Choctaw Indian.  He had drunk his share of firewater and lived a whole lot of life before he got married and fathered 10 children.  He was tall and strong, even in his 90s.  Even when he was in the hospital toward the end of his life, he strode through the halls like a healthy man half his age.  He didn't look old.  He looked weathered.  He was unusually handsome and bigger than life.  I loved listening to his stories as much as he loved telling them.  He LIVED the kind of life most of us will only read about.  He left this world with me wishing I could have heard just one more story ...

I met Bennie Hugh after two brain tumors and some heart problems.  I'll never know the man he was before that time, but I liked the man he was when I met him.  He couldn't hear real well so he didn't always participate in conversation.  I noticed when too many people were talking at once, he would just stare at the tv.  My grandmother used to do that too.  Pretending not to be interested was easier than admitting she couldn't hear.  It was too much trouble to make us all speak louder, one at a time.  It was enough to be with us.  She would look around the room and smile occasionally and Bennie Hugh did the same thing.  They would both laugh when other people laughed ... not always getting the joke but LOVING the laughter.  But in spite of all that, he took the time to show me who he was.  He showed me the things that mattered in his home ... the pieces of his history ... a picture of him in his uniform and his wife back in the 40s and said, "Isn't she beautiful?" ... not wasn't, but ISN'T ...  They were a handsome couple, looking like they could have walked out of a scene from Casa Blanca.  The love and pride he felt for his family and his son showed in his eyes.  His whole manner said, "Welcome to my family.  I'm glad you're here."

 

Choc and Bennie Hugh were closer to my Grandpa's age than my father's age.  My instant affection and comfort with them was probably because of Grandpa who was part of THE GREATEST GENERATION that Tom Brokaw wrote about,
"After talking to so many of them and reflecting on what they have meant in my own life, I now know that it is in those small ceremonies and quiet moments that this generation is appropriately honored.  No fanfare is required.  They've had their parades.  They've heard the speeches.  They know what they have accomplished, and they are proud.  They will have their World War II memorial and their place in the ledgers of history, but no block of marble or elaborate edifice can equal their lives of sacrifice and achievement, duty and honor, as monuments to their time."

Grandpa Bill was a good man who worked hard all his life and always tried to do the right thing.  He worked with famous politicians and big people in our state.  He had awards and plaques and recognition, but he was a husband, father and grandfather FIRST, a farmer SECOND and the rest took care of itself.  He taught me and all of us that it wasn't the plaques and awards that defined us.  It was our families that mattered most because we mattered most to him and he showed it.

Grandpa Roy was a good man too, but he wrestled with alcohol most of his life.  It made him moody and unpredictable.  When he was happy, he was the most fun!  When he was down, he was the meanest son-of-a-gun you could ever meet.  I was his oldest granddaughter and he would always introduce me, not by my name, but as HIS OLDEST granddaughter.  I lived across the street from him for a while so I got to know ALL his moods and learned to take them in stride.  He visited me almost every day.  I liked his visits.  When he was happy, he'd stop by just to tell me a joke.  When he was mad, he would stop by to tell me who he was mad at.  He had a feud going with the old woman that lived next door to him.  She was as crazy as Grandpa could be sometimes and they fought like children.  In the summer, he would run over her flowers and she would pick his.  In the winter, she would blow snow off her driveway into his on purpose and Grandpa would throw snowballs at her cat.  For some reason, Grandpa would listen to me.  Maybe, because I was HIS OLDEST granddaughter?  Maybe, because he was making atonement for being so mean to my Dad?  I don't know ... but I could always calm him down.  Smoothing out the rough spots in the feud between two crazy people taught me a lot about making peace ... lol ...

My friend, Tillie, was part of that GREATEST GENERATION too.  He passed away this spring and he has been on my mind this morning too.  He was like Pop, a surrogate father because my own father was so far away.  Tillie was a combination of so many of the men I have already mentioned ... always well dressed, always kind, always ready to hug, always happy to share a joke or story, and at almost 7 feet tall, BIGGER THAN LIFE!  He was a good man and many times, his wisdom was the wisdom that guided me.  He believed in the basic goodness of all people.  He believed that everything would always turn out okay.  He lived his life that way.  He made me and everyone who knew him believers in the goodness of others and the eventual fairness of life.  I miss him.  Today wouldn't be Father's Day without honoring him too.

Joey never had children of his own, but he was there for mine.  He taught them to drive, stayed up late with me and worried over them, did his best to provide for them, walked my daughters down the aisle, and is Papa Joey to all the grandkids.  He was there in big ways and all the little ways in between ... and he didn't have to do any of those things.  He wasn't obligated.  They weren't really HIS children ... but then again, they were HIS children in all the ways that mattered most to the four of them.

To all the Fathers in my life and all the Fathers in your life ... HAPPY FATHERS DAY!

OH, MY PA-PA

Oh, my pa-pa, to me he was so wonderful
Oh, my pa-pa, to me he was so good
No one could be, so gentle and so lovable
Oh, my pa-pa, he always understood.
Gone are the days when he could take me on his knee
And with a smile he'd change my tears to laughter
Oh, my pa-pa, so funny, so adorable
Always the clown so funny in his way
Oh, my pa-pa, to me he was so wonderful
Deep in my heart I miss him so today.

You Can CHEER Yourself Up!

 

So many times, we have rested our happiness squarely on the shoulders of everyone else, but there are little things we can do for ourselves.  This morning, I sat on the back porch and thought about all the things that have given my mood a lift.  

I saw a little book that was titled 2000 Things You Can Do To Cheer Yourself Up.  I remember flipping through the pages and smiling at some of the ideas.  What if we did that?  What if we really did one thing every day just for us?  What would happen if we gave our self 10 minutes just for us?  What if we gave our self one simple little pleasure?  It wouldn't have to take a lot of time or money ... It really is the thought that counts!   

Here are just a few suggestions from that book ...

Put your sweet tooth to work for you.  Yes, go out and treat yourself to a huge banana split or a hot fudge sundae or even an old-fashioned chocolate malt.

Give your eyes a little treat.  Watch the moon rise over a beautiful, calm body of water.  Imagine yourself feeling THAT relaxed or calm.

Throw a pebble into a pond and watch the ripples.  Your life is like that as it touches others and produces its own ripple effect.

Make your world a little cheerier by:
Planting flowers
Planting a tree
Pulling weeds
Planting a vegetable garden

Sing the blues in the shower and let the water wash your troubles away ... at least for a few relaxing minutes.

If you are your own worst enemy, send loving thoughts to yourself.  You may feel funny at first, but you will start to see a big difference in just a few days.

Keep in mind that how you "see" the world is how it will be.

Most popular ways to counteract stress:
Exercise
Yoga
Walking
Meditation
Deep Breathing
Music

Know that there aren't any quick fixes.  Learn to be patient with your heart.

Spend the day acting like a tourist in your own town.

Attend great art exhibits at local galleries and museums.  They will be a feast for your eyes and your soul. 

Ask everyone you know to tell you stories about miracles in their lives.  It will remind you of the miracles in your own life.

Cleaning is one of the best therapies, so clean out your closet and give your old clothes to charity.  Yes, giving is also good therapy!

Bake bread or a nice cake and enjoy the wonderful aroma that fills your home.

Keep in mind that when God closes a door, He always opens a window somewhere.

On cold nights that seem a little lonely, wrap yourself up in a cozy quilt.

Burn scented candles or incense to add a nice, cozy touch to your home.

Read, read, read.  Books can be one of the biggest contributions to the success in your life.

Read a joke book or go out to a comedy club.  A good laugh will do you good!

Spend at least 30 minutes every day out in the fresh air.  Walk a country mile on a summer's day ... OR ... Take a brisk, early morning walk to clear your head.

GREAT ESCAPE ACTIVITIES:  Reading romance novels, devouring a box of chocolates, traveling, getting a pet, watching action movies, window shopping.

Meditate to regain your sense of peace and tranquility.  It is one of the world's oldest techniques for emotional healing.

When you feel stressed, calm yourself down by taking slow, deep, cleansing breaths.

Invite a friend to lunch.

Dine at a Chinese restaurant and believe any god news that your fortune cookie tells you!

Dress up and take yourself to a nice restaurant with your favorite book for company.

Make yourself freshly squeezed lemonade.  (See, good things really do come out of lemonade)

Meander through a country garden.

Dance in the summer rain.

Get close to Mother Nature.  Feel the wind in your hair.  Go barefoot and feel the grass between your toes.  Enjoy the sun on your face.  Smell the air after a summer shower.

Even during your worst moments there are wonderful things happening in the world.  Keep your eyes wide open to see them.

Remind yourself that even with all your troubles, there are still people who would love to have your life.

Keep in mind that out of pain come some of life's greatest blessings.

Tags: Recovery, Healing, Cheer Yourself Up, Taking Care of Yourself

Huckleberry Season In The Rockies

HUCKLEBERRY

(Artist: Toby Keith, Album: Unleashed)

Just off of the two-lane where the school bus used to stop
Was a little wooden a-frame with a yellow tin roof top
One day it was raining on this world
She said ’have you ever really, really ever kissed a girl? ’

Baby I’ll be your huckleberry, you don’t have to double dare me
If the storm gets wild and scary count on me to be right there
You’re so extra ordinary sweet like maraschino cherries
We’ll grow up and we’ll get married
I’m gonna be your huckleberry

Later on that summer we went to the county fair
They had a brand new roller coaster and everyone was scared
It was two bucks to experience the thrill
She said ’come on boy let’s get in line I’ll ride it if you will’

Baby I’ll be your huckleberry, you don’t have to double dare me
If the ride gets wild and scary count on me to be right there
You’re so extra ordinary sweet like maraschino cherries
We’ll grow up and we’ll get married
I’m gonna be your huckleberry

Snuck off on a slow dance at the junior/senior prom
Went lookin’ for some romance before I had to get her home
Steamin’ up the windows of my car
She said ’until I get my wedding ring boy we can’t go that far’

Baby I’ll be your huckleberry, you don’t have to double dare me
If the world gets wild and scary count on me to be right there
You’re so extra ordinary sweet like maraschino cherries
We grew up and we got married
Now look at those three little huckleberries 




[Q] “What is the origin of the expression ‘I’ll be your Huckleberry’? What exactly does it mean?”

[A] What it means is easy enough. To be one’s huckleberry—usually as the phrase I’m your huckleberry—is to be just the right person for a given job, or a willing executor of some commission. Where it comes from needs a bit more explaining.

First a bit of botanical history. When European settlers arrived in the New World, they found several plants that provided small, dark-coloured sweet berries.They reminded them of the English bilberry and similar fruits and they gave them one of the dialect terms they knew for them, hurtleberry, whose origin is unknown (though some say it has something to do with hurt, from the bruised color of the berries; a related British dialect form is whortleberry). Very early on—at the latest 1670—this was corrupted to huckleberry.

As huckleberries are small, dark and rather insignificant, in the early part of the nineteenth century the word became a synonym for something humble or minor, or a tiny amount. An example from 1832: “He was within a huckleberry of being smothered to death”. Later on it came to mean somebody inconsequential. Mark Twain borrowed some aspects of these ideas to name his famous character, Huckleberry Finn. His idea, as he told an interviewer in 1895, was to establish that he was a boy “of lower extraction or degree” than Tom Sawyer.

Quite how I’m your huckleberry came out of all that with the sense of the man for the job isn’t obvious. It seems that the word came to be given as a mark of affection or comradeship to one’s partner or sidekick. There is often an identification of oneself as a willing helper or assistant about it, as here in True to Himself, by Edward Stratemeyer, dated 1900: “ ‘I will pay you for whatever you do for me.’ ‘Then I’m your huckleberry. Who are you and what do you want to know?’ ”. Despite the obvious associations, it doesn’t seem to derive directly from Mark Twain’s books.

Short question, long answer!

 


Huckleberry Recipes

Often confused with the blueberry due to its close resemblance, huckleberries are a wild blue-black berry. Although very similar in taste, the big difference is the seeds within the huckleberry that give it a crunchy texture when fresh and its thicker skin. The flavor is a little more tart than blueberries, with an intense blueberry flavor. Huckleberries are not cultivated commercially, so you will have to find them in the wild. The entire fruit is edible...no need to remove the seeds. Huckleberries can be used interchangeably in most blueberry recipes, so if you find yourself with a huckleberry harvest, just choose a blueberry recipe and give it a whirl. Huckleberry season is normally from June through August. To harvest a large quantity, spread a clean cloth on the ground and shake the plant; ripe fruits will drop onto the cloth. Store at temperatures just above freezing with high humidity.

Here are some selected recipes on using huckleberries. Enjoy! 



Huckleberry Muffins

Ingredients
1 cup huckleberries
1/2 cup brown sugar
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 eggs
4 tablespoons margarine, melted
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/4 cup milk
1/4 cup syrup

Instructions
Combine sugar and huckleberries. Stir in flour, baking powder and salt. In a separate bowl, beat together eggs, milk, vanilla, margarine and syrup. Combine the two mixtures, using a fork to stir. Do not over mix. Fill well-greased muffin tins, three quarters full. Bake at 350 degrees F. for 20 to 25 minutes.

Credits
From: Native Indian Wild Game, Fish & Wild Foods Cookbook edited by David Hunt (Castle Books)



Huckleberry Pancakes

Ingredients
3/4 cup plus 1 tablespoon unbleached all purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 large egg
2 tablespoons sugar
1 cup buttermilk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
4 tablespoons (1/2 stick) unsalted butter, melted and cooled
1-1/2 cups huckleberries
2 cups sliced fresh strawberries, for garnish
Confectioners' sugar
Warm maple syrup

Instructions
Sift together the flour, baking soda, and salt into a medium size mixing bowl. In a small bowl, lightly beat the egg with the sugar, then stir in the buttermilk, vanilla, and 2 tablespoons of the melted butter. Add the liquid ingredients to the flour mixture and stir until just moistened. The batter should have the consistency of thick cream with some lumps. Do not over mix. Heat a large griddle or 2 large non-stick skillets over medium-high heat, then brush each lightly with some of the remaining melted butter. Gently drop the batter into the skillets by heaping tablespoonfuls, 2 inches apart. Press a few huckleberries into each pancake and cook until the undersides are golden brown and bubbles are breaking on top, about 1-1/2 minutes. Turn and cook 1-1/2 minutes longer on the other side. Keep the pancakes warm in a low oven as you cook the rest of the batter. Divide the pancakes among warmed plates and top with the strawberries. Sprinkle with confectioners' sugar and serve with warm maple syrup.

Yield: 4 servings

Credits
From: Nicole Routhier's Fruit Cookbook by Nicole Routhier (Workman Publishing)



Huckleberry Crisp

Ingredients
1/3 cup sugar
2 tablespoons cornstarch
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
1 tablespoon lemon juice
4 cups huckleberries, sweetened
1 cup huckleberry juice (drained from fruit)
Topping (below)

Instructions
Combine sugar, cornstarch, salt and spices in a saucepan. Add lemon and huckleberry juices and stir until smooth. Cook over low heat until thickened and clear, stirring constantly. Stir in huckleberries and pour into a greased baking dish.

Topping 1/3 cup butter or margarine
1 cup brown sugar, firmly packed
2 tablespoons flour
3 cupscorn flakes

Melt butter in a saucepan. Combine sugarand flour and add to butter. Cook, stirring constantly over low heat for 3 minutes. Add cornflakes mixing quickly until they are coated with syrup. Sprinkle over the huckleberry mixture and bake at 400 degrees F. for 30 minutes or until topping is crisp and golden brown. Serve warm or cold.

Credits
From: Native Indian Wild Game, Fish & Wild Foods Cookbook edited by David Hunt (Castle Books)



Huckleberry Cream Pie

Ingredients
9" Pie Shell
3 oz. Pkg. Cream Cheese
1/2 Cup Powdered Sugar
1 tsp. Vanilla
1/2 Pint Whipping Cream
2 Cups Fresh Huckleberries (or Blueberries)
1 Cup Sugar
1/2 Cup Water
3 tablespoons Cornstarch

Instructions
Mix Cream Cheese, Powdered Sugar and Vanilla together. Spread the cream mixture onto the bottom of a baked pie shell.

In saucepan, combine the Huckleberries, Sugar, Water, Cornstarch and bring to a boil. Cook until thickened. Pour on top of the cream mixture. Whip the Cream and spread on top of cooled pie. Top with fresh Huckleberries.

Credits
From: Appleton Inn and Breakfast, Helena, Montana

Tags: Huckelberry Recipes, I'm Gonna Be Your Huckleberry