I have seen couples take a marriage or relationship on the brink of break-up, and transform it into something stronger and more fulfilling than ever. I have seen couples take an essentially good relationship and find a way through the places they get stuck. I have seen couples with no complaints about their relationship use the tools to move into a level of connection, intimacy and personal healing and growth beyond anything they could imagine. I also have used them in work and other relationships as well. I find that they have helped me and many other men and women become more conscious, more intentional , more connected, more ourselves . . . . in our relationships and in other aspects of our lives. It is a powerful set of tools and a path for all of us to create a better and safer world for all people.
What does the word, Imago, mean?
Imago is the Latin word for 'image'. Several schools of psychology have used the same word in different ways. The way it is used in Imago Relationship Therapy is as the unique image of familiar love that each of us develops beginning at birth. Think of it as an image or a template of familiar love . . . how someone who loves us will be with us. . . . both the positive aspects of that love and the negative.
So essentially as human beings, we take in what love feels like, sounds like from our parents and other adults who are significant in our life. Some images of familiar love may include fun-loving and free spirited, emotionally unavailable, preoccupied or stressed, ignoring, or interested and encouraging.
What's also important about this image of familiar love is that as we grow up in our families, we learn very quickly how we need to act and be in order to get love or approval and to feel safe. So we develop what we call survival patterns. While you can read more in depth examples in our couples examples, a quick example might be for someone who had a smothering parent, their survival pattern might include never getting too close to someone (because they feel like they will disappear, they can't be a separate person, etc.). For someone who had a critical parent, they might learn to survive by becoming a perfectionist,orbecoming very rigid about how everything needs to be done and how everyone needs to be to be OK. You get the basic idea.
The Imago and who we are attracted to:
While many people have a conscious (and sometimes written) list of what they are looking for in a spouse or partner . . . . tall, handsome, ambitious, responsible, . . . etc., all of us have an unconscious list too . . . one that is outside of our awareness.
We look for someone who has parts of us that we have not developed (or been allowed to express).
And our unconscious looks for love that feels familiar enough. It may not be an exact replica of mom and dad, but it is close enough . . . someone who can be fun, but is also just a little emotionally unavailable. Love that might be strong, but also a little critical. There are other reasons for attraction, too, but we are focusing on the Imago.
Why would we ever want someone who is a combination of the positives and negatives of adults in our childhoods?
Part of the reason we are attracted to it is because it feels familiar, there is a comfort in it even at an unconscious level.
But there is a bigger reason:
Our healing and growth as individuals and as a species.
What are you talking about?
All of us, no matter how wonderful or how awful our parents and caretakers were, have some needs that were unmet or not met nearly enough. We all have received messages from families, schools, religions, cultures of parts of ourselves we need to put away to be OK and acceptable.
Whether you language that which is bigger than us as God, the Divine, Nature, Creation, Evolution, or any combination of those . . . the Divine or Nature is most interested in our wholeness, in our potential. It is interested in our healing and growth to fulfill our purpose in the best possible way we can. It's interested in creating a world that sustains and nurtures life at its best.Forus ashuman beings, we have two basic needs for healing and growth: one is to have a corrective experience of getting what we always needed and didn't get enough of; and two is to develop in ourselves all aspects of ourselves to be able to express our Core Self, our aliveness in the world. In doing so, not only do we reach more of our own potential, we impact the people around us in a more constructive way and thus create healthier families, healthier workplaces, healthier relationships and a healthier world. We create together a world that is safe for all people.
So what does this mean for couples, or other relationships?
It means that while you will choose to be with someone who gives you some good things, they will also come with some of those things that feel familiar in a negative way. You will find that they often seem to be the most incapable of giving you what you most need (and vice versa, by the way!). And, some of the things you like in the beginning, you'll hate later! What was free-spirited and playful begins to be called 'irresponsible'. What was ambitious and stable begins to be called rigid and boring.
Your partner will seem totally unreasonable to you in two basic ways:
a) they will seem to 'over-react' to things and get all upset about things you think or so minor
b) they will want you to do things that you think are just not you in a way that makes you think they want you to change who you are.It also means that conflict is healing and growth trying to happen. It is something new trying to be born. Conflict itself is a door to deeper intimacy. It's what we do with it that so often ends up being wounding and shaming, rather than constructive.
What if I've just picked someone that's incompatible with me?
Good! You're probably with the right person! They most likely have some of the parts of you that you have not developed, as you have some of theirs. Both of you can learn to help each other grow. And, because they find it hard to give you what you most need (which usually means that they are a close enough replica of familiar love), they will push your buttons, inviting you to look at what needs healing and to become partners with you in healing, and hopefully to become a healing presence for you . . . . as hopefully you will become for them.
When you are tempted to look for a different partner, read first the article on Stages of Relationship (I copied it below for you). And also know, that your buttons are your buttons. You can find a different partner, but at some point, they are going to bump into those same buttons and it's going to feel like déjà vu. And, for the most part you will most likely still be attracted to someone who is enough of a match to your template of familiar love that they will find it a real stretch to give you what you need. So it makes sense to do the work where you are. It doesn't mean that people should never get divorced, but it does mean that most divorce does not need to happen and if you do not do work on your own buttons and undeveloped parts of yourself, it can be more like a set-up for repetitive disappointments in life partnerships. If you don't change, your relationships will not change that much, no matter who you are with. At some point, healing and growth will need to happen and conflict will be the means of putting that in your face.
So what is Imago Relationship Therapy?
Imago Relationship Therapy is the process of giving couples information and even more importantly, teaching them tools to:
* help make the unconscious aspects of their relationship conscious
* address conflict at its roots rather just trying to solve it in a surface way
* be successful in the work of healing and growth
* create emotional safety for each other
* learn how to better meet each other's needs
* transform conflict into opportunities for deeper intimacy and connection
* make small changes that make the biggest difference in terms of happiness and fulfillment as individuals and as a couple
* learn how to become a source of pleasure instead of pain for your partner
* realize how to make your marriage or partnership a fulfilling, alive, passionate, fun, transforming source of increasing wholeness and sacred transformation.The two most important tools are a form of healing and intentional dialogue and another is using the dialogue process to then help each of you make successful changes in your behavior that are good for both of you and that lead to healing and growth . . . and to deeper connection between you.
How is a session with a certified Imago therapist different from any other therapy?
One way is that they are working from the assumptions we just talked about. Therapists are trained and certified to use this model of helping couples and individuals.
Secondly, it is different from most therapies because it involves the therapist teaching and coaching you as a couple in specific tools to help you transform your relationship in this way. Instead of each of you talking with the therapist or the therapist being a referee, you will be talking to each other in a safe and more structured way that is not blaming or shaming, and that helps each of you help your partner understand what an issue is like for you. You will also learn how to use that information about yourself and your partner to take very specific steps to change your behavior in a way that is not only healing for your partner and meeting their needs, but in a way that helps you get some of yourself back and express your own aliveness more fully. It also gives you ways to bring more romance, fun, pleasure into your partnership.
The therapist is not the keeper of the tools or wisdom in Imago Relationship Therapy. Her or his job is to help you find out how to discover the deeper issues and to walk away with information, tools, and a map to continue the work of creating the marriage or relationship you want.
How do I get Imago Relationship Therapy?
You can go to a certified Imago therapist in your area or travel and do intensive work with us for a day and a half or a two full day Imago Intensive. Both with the workshop or in working with a certified Imago therapist, YOU have to work to implement what you are learning and practicing. It's not magic. It is a powerful and effective set of toolsto transform your relationship, but requires your willingness to push yourself, to take risks, to try new behaviors and learn new ways of communicating.
Who developed Imago Relationship Therapy?
Imago Relationship Therapy was developed primarily by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. in the 1980's. It was added to and significantly enriched by contributions of a core of Master Trainers; Maya Kollman, Sunny Shulkin, Pat Love, Joyce Buckner, and Bruce Crapuchettes. Harville, Helen, the Master Trainers, and now many more therapists continue to refine and expand the theory and process, keeping it true to the original core theory and process. The Getting the Love You Want workshops were developed, then Keeping the Love You Find (for singles) and now work is being done to create workshops and advanced training for Imago therapists in teaching couples and individuals how to use these principles in parenting their own children.
It's Normal!
We've all heard jokes about marriage or exclusive committed relationship ruining a perfectly good relationship. And it might even feel like that in your own relationship or in that of someone you care about. Why does something that starts out feeling so good seem to go downhill once you take that step of commitment? One reason is that relationships go through predictable stages, although the intensity may vary from person to person and couple to couple.
You may notice that relationships with friends, a boss, a job, or an adopted child may follow a similar pattern; everything seems wonderful and then the "honeymoon" is over. Frustrations or hurt feelings begin to mount. In marriage or in a deeply committed love relationship, these stages take on new intensity. There is much more at stake when we make a commitment to spend our lives together to love and be loved.
So why does the love seem to go away? One of the culprits is that couples get stuck in one of the early stages and are no longer moving through them.
Take a look at the basic stages:
Stage I: Romantic Love: Convicted of LUI (Loving Under the Influence)
The Romantic Love stage often feels so good that you want it to last forever. In fact, you expect it to last forever! In a new job or a new love, everything seems perfect at first. When you see things that you don't like, you might deny or at least minimize them. You tend to go above and beyond what is required or expected. You feel energized, alive, and filled with new dreams. In romantic relationships, your heart is filled with love and you know that this person loves you. You both find many ways to show your love. When you're apart, you are thinking of one another. Everything feels right. Some people feel a sense of finally 'being home' or of being 'complete', feeling alive and connected.
What we now know through research is that not only is your heart full of love, but your body is flooded with an endorphin, PEA (phenoethalymine). Like most endorphins, PEA increases energy, feelings of well being, positive outlook, and diminishes pain. It increases sexual desire. PEA is what allows you to skip meals and sleep. If you usually tend to be anxious, PEA may help you feel safe and calm. If you are usually depressed, you might have more energy and see things more positively. You believe that it is this other person that brings the best out in youat last you've found the one! In some ways you are loving 'under the influence!' So, enjoy if you are in this stage!! It is also the time when we glimpse the essence of the other because his or her defenses are down and that's who we fall in love with.
Stage II: Disappointment or Distress
I like to call this stage, " The Invitation to Growth."
One of the biggest illusions in our culture is that Romantic Love will last forever, if you just find the right partner. We hear that love is supposed to continue happening 'naturally' and if you have to 'work' on it, it must not be real love. These illusions are one of the reasons our divorce rate remains around 50%! When people get stuck in this stage, they begin to think they are with the wrong person.One reason for the let-down feeling is that PEA production begins to decline. And because we see the other person as the source of our good feelings, we blame them when we don't feel as good!
In this 2nd stage, you might start feeling anxious or disappointed. Things that you once liked about your partner have become sources of frustration and hurt feelings. You may ask, "What has happened to him/her/us?" There is a sense of betrayal or loss. What have you lost? PEA bliss. Defenses come back up as PEA diminishes and instead of relating to a person, you are usually relating to a protective pattern. It sometimes feels like love is dying. You begin thinking or saying things like: "If you would just. . ., then everything would be great. . ." OR, "Is this going to be what the rest of my life is like?" You become adversaries instead of partners. Frequently one or both partners engage in blame, criticism, sarcasm, put-downs. Anger and resentment can build. Sometimes it feels as if you are walking on eggshells. Little things seem to so easily turn into big things.
Winning and being right becomes more important than working together and co-creating the loving, fulfilling relationship you both want. Demonstrations of love, respect, appreciation decline and might even disappear first from neglect, and then because of hurt feelings. If enough distress builds up, you may just avoid your partner as much as you can. Or you may turn to someone else, to work, to children, or some other person or thing to attempt to meet your needs and avoid the distress.
For some couples this stage can get to the point of desperation where you've tried everything you know and it seems the only option is to get out --temporarily or permanently.
Too many couples give in to hopelessness and despair at this stage. And often well-meaning friends or family encourage you to get rid of your partner. Other couples try to just cope with it, resigning themselves to a workable living arrangement. Some staytogether because of the kids, or because they are afraid people will judge them, or because of financial concerns, and end up living in the same house disconnected from one another.
GOOD NEWS! You are not meant to live in distress! That is NOT what marriage or any kind of committed relationship is meant to be! This stage can be the door to deeper connection and intimacy, and a fulfilling relationship -- if . . . you learn and use some of the tools to transform it into the path to real love.
Conflict is something trying to happen to help you and your partner realize more of your potential as individuals and as a couple! Conflict can be a door to healing and personal growth. Conflict is NOT the problem. What you do or don't do with it can be a big problem. Finding a new partner does not solve the 'problem' either . . . .because your journey to healing and growth needs to happen and you will for the most part recreate the same 'problems' and climate that you had before.
Stage III & IV: Knowledge, Awareness and Transformation:
This is the stage in which you not only recognize that your relationship can be more than it is, but also that you have the power to make real changes. You choose to become conscious and intentional, and begin a whole new chapter in co-creating the relationship you both dreamed of.
While one or both of you may continue to feel anxious, confused, afraid, and may resist making some of the changes, you take charge as partners of the direction of your happiness as a couple. And you do that best by taking charge of your own behavior. You start intentionally learning how to become the right partner.
In this stage you gain new information and insights about yourself, about your partner, and about the nature of marriage or relationship. You learn and practice new tools and skills to help you move forward.
Where do you get this information and skills?
1) Find a couple who has been happily married or partnered for 30 or more years and ask them the secrets of their happiness and what they did to get through the rough times.2) Attend a Getting the Love You Want workshop. Or obtain private lessons, counseling or coaching from our Center or someone near you.
3) Focus on your OWN behavior. Look at some of the things you do that are not helpful to the relationship. What are you putting into the relationship climate? Does it cultivate the relationship or pollute it? Then begin taking one step at a time to change those things that don't cultivate it. 5) If you find that the new skills are not helping or think you might need some help, go to a counselor who focuses on teaching skills. A certified Imago Relationship Therapist is trained to do just that.
For more information, check out http://www.relationshipjourney.com
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