Even as I write, I know that there are some of you who read this and you are saying to yourself:
Our relationship isn't perfect and he gets mad a lot but we have to understand that ...
He's been under a lot of pressure
He's been having problems at work
He had a tough childhood
He hasn't been feeling well lately
He worries about money
He only gets that way when he drinks
It's my fault because I don't pay him enough attention
It's my fault because I spend too much money
It's my fault because I never have supper ready fast enough
Sweetheart ... Those are the excuses he gives you, but they aren't true. Other men get crabby, worried, anxious, nervous, hungry, hot, sleepy and even drunk without taking it out on everyone else!
"He hasn't done that YET."
You will justify his behavior, make excuses for him, cover marks with make-up, wear sunglasses so people can't see that you have been crying or that you have a black eye, kill yourself to try to do everything perfect so he won't have a reason to get mad again, walk on eggshells, not talk to any men so that he won't get jealous ... for as long as you can ... and one day, you'll look at yourself in the mirror and wonder, "Why am I doing this?"
Then what?
Who do you talk to? That's not always an easy choice. Your dearest friends and your closest relatives might not understand. They might be in denial about their own relationships. They might like pretending such things don't happen. It's okay. You have felt that way yourself! But now, you don't have a choice! You know it happens. You have lived it and an important part of your recovery is talking about what happened and not having to worry about offending anyone while you talk.
I chose my people carefully. Most people won't know what to say. They will want to help you. It's okay to let them know ahead of time that you don't expect them to come up with any answers ... that it would help you if they would listen so you could get some things off your chest.
This article will help other people understand where you're at ... cause you know and I know that, in the beginning, we aren't really sure ourselves where we are at!
How Can I Help My Daughter, Sister, Or Friend Who Is Being Abused?
THE ABUSER: Pressures me severely.
SO YOU SHOULD: Be patient. Remember that it will take time for me to sort out my confusion and figure out how to handle my situation.
THE ABUSER: Talks down to me.
SO YOU SHOULD: Address me as an equal. If you speak to me as if you are smarter or wiser than I am, or as if I am going through something that could never happen to you, then you inadvertently confirm exactly what the abuser has been telling me, which is that I am beneath him. Remember, your actions speak louder than your words.
THE ABUSER: Thinks he knows better than me what is good for me.
SO YOU SHOULD: Treat me as the expert on my own life. Don't assume that you know what I need to do.
THE ABUSER: Dominates conversations.
SO YOU SHOULD: Listen more and talk less. The temptation may be great to convince me what a "jerk" he is, to analyze his motives, to give speeches covering entire chapters of a book. But talking too much inadvertently communicates to me that your thoughts are more important than mine, which is exactly how my abuser treats me. If you want me to value my own feelings and opinions, then you have to show me that you value them.
THE ABUSER: Believes he has the right to control my life.
SO YOU SHOULD: Respect my right to self-determination. I am entitled to make decisions that are not exactly what you would choose, including the decision to stay with my abusive partner or to return to him after separation. You can't convince me that my life belongs to me if you are simultaneously acting like it belongs to you. Please stay by me even when and if I makes choices that you don't like.
THE ABUSER: Assumes he understands my children and their needs better than I do.
SO YOU SHOULD: Assume that I am a competent, caring mother. Remember that there is no simple way to determine what is best for my children. Even if I leave the abuser, the children's problems are not necessarily over, and sometimes, abusers actually create worse difficulties for the children post separation than before. You cannot help me to find the best path for my children unless you have a realistic grasp of the complicated set of choices that face me.
THE ABUSER: Thinks FOR me.
SO YOU SHOULD: Think with me. Don't assume the role of teacher or rescuer. Instead, join forces with me as a respectful and equal team member.
Notice that BEING the opposite of the abuser does not just mean SAYING the opposite of what he says. If he beseeches me with, "Don't leave me, Don't leave me," and you stand on the other side badgering me with "Leave him, Leave him": I will feel like you are both telling me what to do! I will feel that you're acting just like him because you are both pressuring me to accept your judgment of what I should do. Neither of you is asking me the empowering question,
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
(from the book: WHY DOES HE DO THAT - Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft)
You can choose your friends and family carefully, tell them what happened and ask them for their support. Truthfully. most people don't know HOW to help or WHAT TO DO but they do love you and they do care. Make it easy for them and you by sharing this article with them.
They love you. They'll want to DO something to help. Here is a list of what other women said helped them. It's good for all of us to remember that we are all figuring this out at the same time.
Offering Your Help ~ Acknowledge my situation:
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Do this very gently. If I am unwilling to acknowledge the abuse, please don't press the issue.
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Do it very carefully. Not only am I afraid; I am in danger. If my abuser finds out I spoke with you, he will take it out on me.
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No matter how I respond to your overture, assure me that your interest is in my safety and welfare and that anything I tell you will be held in confidence.
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Remind me know that whenever I want, I can look at material you have about abusive relationships. It would help if I could use your computer to look things up. He can't track me on your computer.
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Please Support Me.
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When I run myself down, point out my strengths. Your encouragement is a lifeline to me!
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If I need to talk without coming to resolution, let me. I'm trying to figure things out and it helps when I can talk to someone who won't judge me.
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When I'm ready to make a move, help me determine what I will need, offer to keep a suitcase, money, and important papers, be a point of contact for me if I am in hiding.
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Watch the children when I have important appointments or just to give me a break, if you can.
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Believe in me. Expect that there will be set-backs and changes of heart. Let me know that leaving is a process and that you know I can and will make necessary changes in my life. Know that I am doing the best that I can.
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Acknowledge the reality of the losses that I face.
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Take care of yourself.
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There is a risk that your relationship with me could become so dependent that you feel overwhelmed. It's okay to say you are feeling overwhelmed and suggest or refer me to a resource that will help you share the burden.
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Don't do anything that puts you at risk from the abuser. If it is safe, continue whatever quality of relationship we had before you became aware of the abuse. I will understand.
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Don't intervene physically; don't ever threaten him.
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If he makes threats, take out a protective order against him and report any and all violations. I want YOU to be safe as much as you want me to be safe.
(Middle Way House, P.O. Box 95, Bloomington, IN 47402 812-336-0846)
It was very rough for me at the beginning. I was in shock, denial, grieving, angry, profoundly sad, anxious, afraid, hopeful ... and sometimes, it seemed like I felt all that at the same time! There's no easy way through all the emotions. When we are hurt, there are people around us who are hurt too. Seeing the hurt in my children's faces ... realizing that I had to protect myself and them ... is the thing that started me on my recovery. It wasn't easy to ask for help, but I am so glad that I did! My resolve and self esteem grew as time went by, but I never could have done it alone. I thank God for my friends and family. They were really here for me.
Are you wishing you had some support? Maybe, you just have to ask the people that love you for what you need?
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