You Might As Well Face It!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

YOU'RE ADDICTED TO LOVE

Your lights are on, but you're not home
Your mind is not your own
Your heart sweats, your body shakes
Another kiss is what it takes

You can't sleep, you can't eat
There's no doubt, you're in deep
Your throat is tight, you can't breathe
Another kiss is all you need

Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff,
Oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough,
You know you're
Gonna have to face it, you're addicted to love

You see the signs, but you can't read
You're runnin' at a different speed
You heart beats in double time
Another kiss and you'll be mine, a one track mind

You can't be saved
Oblivion is all you crave
If there's some left for you
You don't mind if you do

Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff,
Oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough,
You know you're
Gonna have to face it, you're addicted to love

Might as well face it, you're addicted to love
Might as well face it, you're addicted to love
Might as well face it, you're addicted to love
Might as well face it, you're addicted to love
Might as well face it, you're addicted to love

 

The radio is full of co-dependent love songs but this one has to be oneof the best at describingthat dysfunctional, over-the-top, doesn't-make-sense-to-even-you relationship that some of us fall into.  Heck, maybe, we all trade a piece of our soul and lose ourselves in that kind of relationship at least once in our lives?

Why?

We might as well face it!  We're addicted to LOVE!

Addiction to a specific relationship is just like addiction to anything else.  It comes with it owns set of justifications, and real addicts are the best at justifying why it is good to do the thing they are addicted to.  

I have heard alcoholics tell me about the benefits of alcohol on the human body and how even the Bible recommends strong wine ... and Jesus turned water into what?  WINE, of course!  They quote articles on how wine is good for the heart and the wonderful amounts of water content in beer ... If you aren't addicted to alcohol, you can hear what's going on.  If you are an addict wanting alcohol, it all makes perfect sense to you!  

When addictive behaviors are present in relationships, that same upside down justification system is working in us!  Part of recovery is recognizing the thoughts and actions that help us take care of ourselves and the thoughts and actions that take us down the wrong road.  

Addictive Thinking
by Abraham J. Twerski, M.D. 

Many of the features of addictive thinking can be seen in co-dependents as well as addicts because they stem from a similar origin: low self-esteem.  

Al-Anon endorses the rule of the Three Cs:
You didn't CAUSE it,
you cannot CONTROL it,
and you cannot CURE it.

The self-deceptive features of addictive thinking and co-dependency have much in common.  In both, there are often denial, rationalization, and projection.  In both, contradictory ideas can coexist, and there is fierce resistance to change oneself and a desire to change others.  In both, there is a delusion of control, and in both there is, invariably, low self-esteem.  Thus, all the features of addictive thinking are present in both, and the only distinguishing feature may be the chemical use.  

There was laughter when a man suggested that alcoholic thinking is every bit as destructive as alcoholic drinking.  To illustrate, the man read the questions from a self-test for alcoholism, substituting the word THINKING for the word DRINKING.  Here is what we read:                

Are You an Addictive Thinker?

1. Do you lose time from work due to thinking?
2. Is thinking making your home life unhappy?
3. Have you ever felt remorse after thinking?
4. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of thinking?
5. Does your thinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
6. Has your ambition decreased since thinking?
7. Does thinking cause you to have difficulty sleeping?
8. Has your efficiency decreased since thinking?
9. Is thinking jeopardizing your job or business?
10. Do you think to escape worries or troubles?

The point is that even in the absence of chemicals, distorted, addictive thinking wreaks havoc in our lives.

Addictive Thinking by Abraham J. Twerski, M.D.

What makes that relationship "addictive" is that it taps into the same part of us that would be addicted to other things.  That needy, dark place that doesn't feel complete without another drink, another fix, another hug, another piece of chocolate ... whatever addicted fix you crave and whatever addiction you are recovering from, this is part of it.

There was a little girl inside me that wanted someone to make up for all the hurt I felt as a little girl.  When I met Aydan, I met someone who was completely incapable of loving that way.  His rejection and abuse tapped into that ancient hurt and I was "hooked" in the old way, thinking that if I did just a little more and said just a little more and gave a little more, that he would care about me ... Aydan didn't want to take care of MY needs!  I was only valuable to him as long as I took care of HIS needs.  The minute I showed any need at all, I diminished in value to him.

I had a set way of looking at things that really wasn't working all that well for me or I never would have ended up at that hurting place to begin with!
 
I had to make changes in the way I look at myself and the rest of the world to survive.  I lost some of the innocence ... I couldn't keep the idea that there is good in EVERYBODY because that's just not true.  I couldn't keep the idea that if I tried a little harder and worked a little more, everything would magically turn out okay, because sometimes, in spite of our very best efforts, things don't turn out okay. 

It hurt to give up that idealistic view of the world, but the seasoned view I have now is not so bad.  My TRUTH is kinder to me and gentler with everyone else! 

 

 

Tags: Abuse, Domestic Violence, Addictive Relationships, Addictive Thinking, Abraham J. Twerski, M.D., Addicted To Love, Recovery, Healing

You Can Stop The Merry-Go-Round

Maybe you saw yourself and your relationship in that cycle of abuse?  It isn't easy to break away from the cycle.  I spent a long time down-playing and minimizing the abuse.  I would focus on the sweet things Aydan said and did in the beginning of the relationship and during those honeymoon phases, but just like the articles on "Cycles of Abuse" said, the sweet times grew shorter and shorter until they were non-existent toward the end.

I never knew then what caused the "bad moods", "temper tantrums" and "rage attacks" or I guess I would have tried to "fix" whatever it was.  I would anticipate a date or an afternoon or a weekend only to see Aydan and know by the "look in his eye" that we weren't going to have ANY fun that day!

I don't think Aydan even knows what triggers his "bad moods", "temper tantrums" and "rage attacks" ... and even if he did, I don't think he would admit it.  He'd blame me when he was with me ... and he'll blame the next one too, because that is what abusers do.

So what can we do about the cycle of abuse?

I found these articles on some really GREAT web-sites.  The first web-site, Women's Rights For A Safer Tomorrow, or: http://www.mhc.ab.ca/programs/con_studies/womens_rights/index.htm
provides a lot of good information to women who are being abused.  It talks about the choices women have, and you do have choices.  The second article is followed by the link.  You have a lot to think about.  I hope they help. 

It is your decision what to do about what is happening to you.  No one can tell you what is best for you and no one can promise you a good outcome, no matter what your decide.

Some things are not negotiable.  I could down-play a lot of what Aydan did until he threatened me with a loaded shotgun.  His last action made a believer out of me.  I believed he would kill me, if I gave him a chance.  I didn't give him the chance.

 

So Why Stay?

 

The Cycle of Abuse

People may not understand why you stay in the abusive situation.  There are many reasons why.  You may not want to admit to anyone that your partner is hurting you.  The abuser may be someone you love.  He may support the family or be the father of your children.  Certain situations may trigger the abuse.  You may tend to blame yourself ... "If only I had not burned the supper.  If only I had not bought a dress with a short hemline.  If only ..."


Why does he blame me?

The abuser may blame you too.  He may think you caused his jealousy or anger.  Abusers usually blame somebody else for their acts.  Often they drink and blame their abuse on alcohol.  They may feel pressured at work and think they can take it out on women.  They may believe that women are not equal to men and that men have the right to discipline you.  They almost always have an excuse for their actions.


Why does it happen again and again?

Sometimes he feels bad.  He says he is sorry and you accept.  You believe things will change.  Life seems to get better.  Tension builds.  The next time it happens, the abuse seems worse.  Frightened and angry, you leave.  Again, he apologizes and you go back.  Almost all abused women go back at least once.  When he is not beating you, he may be very loving and caring.  But each time you return the abuse may get worse.  It happens more often.  You may feel trapped and alone.


Am I the only woman going through this?

You may feel you are the only person in the world who is beaten or humiliated by your partner. You may be too afraid or too ashamed to even tell your friends or get help.  You may be especially afraid if you have tried to leave before.  Your fear gives him the power to control you.


You have three choices:


Choice 1:  Accept the Relationship

You may stay in an abusive relationship.  Out of love or fear, money concerns or other reasons, you give in to your partner.  You learn to live with the abusive relationship.


What should I be prepared for?

Living with abuse is a dangerous choice. If you choose to stay, there are a few things that you should know:

• Ignoring his insults or hoping that things will get better some day does not work.  Chances are, things will get worse.
• Many women living in abusive relationships end up being killed, committing suicide or killing their partner.
• If you stay in a abusive relationship, your children may suffer.
• If you stay, please remember: you never deserve to be beaten or abused.

Most abuse is a crime.  No one has the legal right to hurt you.


What about the children?

Children living in abusive situations may be emotionally or physically abused themselves.  Children who see their father abuse their mother are often anxious and confused.  They may even lose respect for their mother.  Boys often become aggressive while girls become withdrawn.  Later on in life, girls may find themselves in abusive situations and boys may grow into abusive men.


What are my responsibilities?

Your children maynot be victims of abuse themselves, but you must keep them safe.  If you do not take steps to protect your children from an abusive situation, the government (Child Protection Services) can take them from your custody and put them in protective care.

Choice 2:  Change the Relationship

You may decide to stay with your partner and try to make changes.  Keep the following in mind.


Can I change him?

Just because he keeps saying "sorry" and promising he will change, does not mean he will.  When you go back to him he has no more reason to change.  Some men make this promise just to keep their partners.


How will I know if he is ready to change?

He must do three things before change is possible:

1. He must admit that the way he treats you is wrong.
2. He must decide that he needs help.
3. He must be willing to go to counseling for a long time to unlearn his behavior.

 

Will I or my children need counseling?

Yes.  You will need to learn to live without abuse and how to respect yourself.  Joining a support group with other women who have been abused may help you to find the strength to live your own life.  Your children will need help and counseling to see that abuse is the wrong way to solve problems.

What if nothing changes?

Be prepared.  Change will not happen overnight.  It takes a long time.  Remember, the situation mighteven become abusive again.  You should be prepared for this possibility.  Know your rights and plan an escape route.

 

"Plan an escape route"

 

Choice 3:  Leave!

You have the right to live a life free of abuse.  You can decide to be free of the abuse by getting out of the relationship and getting on with your life.  When you do this, you will probably need legal advice.  (The information in this web-site can help you to understand more about the law, although it is Canada law.)


What steps can I take when I'm ready to leave?

If you are thinking about leaving your abusive partner, you should try to set up an escape plan.

• Make sure you have important documents set aside
• Save money in secret if you can
• Find a safe place to go: friends, shelter, family
• Keep extra keys and clothes with friends
• Secure transportation
• Work out a signal system with a friend
• Go when he is gone
• Don't tell him you are leaving
• Create an excuse to slip away

Should I take any papers or documents with me?

Even before you are ready to leave, try to collect and copy the following documents and keep them in a safe place.

• Social Security cards for you and your children 
• Insurance or Medic-aide Cards
• Driver's license/Registration
• Credit cards and bank card (debit card) 
• Personal Identification (including picture ID)
• Birth certificates for you and your children 
• Immunization card for the children  
• Custody order
• Personal checkbook
• Last banking statement
• Mortgage papers

Should I plan to take any personal items with me?

When leaving an abusive situation you should try to take personal items such as:

• Prescribed medication
• Personal hygiene products
• Glasses/contact lenses
• Money (if possible)
• Clothing (night wear, underwear)
• Heirlooms, jewelry
• Photo albums (pictures that you want to keep)
• Craft, needle work, hobby work
• Children's items such as soothers/bottles, clothing, special blanket and/or toy

You have the right to live a life
free of abuse.

http://www.mhc.ab.ca/programs/con_studies/womens_rights/index.htm

(This web-site is meant as a resource for women who are being abused by their partner. This web-site has useful information about the law, even though it is Canada law.  It will give you an idea of questions you should ask your lawyer.  You may have many questions about your legal rights.  You may have questions about money or emotional matters.  There are places where you can get answers.)

 

Are You Thinking Of Going Back?

 

Has he changed or is it wishful thinking?

Since going back to your partner is such a big decision, you have to evaluate it carefully. You can't act too hastily or you may regret it later. Here are some questions to ask yourself:


1. Why are you thinking about going back?

Try to be honest with yourself. Is it for money?  For the children?  For the security?  Because you are lonely?  Or because you really love your partner and feel you can live with him?  If so, are you willing to be hurt again?  IF HE HURT YOU ONCE, HE WILL HURT YOU AGAIN - unless he makes the commitment to change and proves it by going for help on his own.  If you are lonely, or feel overwhelmed by money or child rearing problems, you may yearn for the comfort zone - you know what is expected of you and what will happen.  Are you afraid of theunknown?  These aren't good reasons for trying to make an abusive relationship work.  If you return before he makes changes, you are telling him it is okay for him to keep hurting you!


2. Why is he thinking about getting back together with you?

Is he trying to seduce you back?  Buying you presents?  Doing things for you that he has never done before?  Making a lot of promises and telling you how much he loves and needs you?  He may mean the promises when he makes them, but he cannot keep them, he doesn't know how.  Is it because he genuinely loves you and is willing to make a real commitment to living nonviolently?  Is he open to change himself?  To get counseling for his problems?  If he still blaming something or someone else for his violence, then he is still denying the problem and will revert back to same abusive behavior as soon as you return.  He may simply be determined to win back to meet his own needs and to regain control over you.  Is he telling you he will change, quit drinking or taking drugs, get a job, stay home more often - "if you will come back first?"  His main goal right now is to regain control over you, and if promises don't work, he will probably turn to make threats toward you, your children, family or friends.  Many abusers even threaten to hurt or kill themselves.


3. Has he really changed?

You so much want to believe that your partner has changed that you come to believe he has.  Did he say he would change for you?  Did he say he knows that he has a problem?  He may realize that he has a problem and still do nothing to get help.  You had better tread carefully.  While people can change to some degree, they can't change for you.  If you return home now, he may seem like he has changed.  Things may go great for a while because both of you are in the Honeymoon Phase (see Cycle of Violence), but without professional help the violence will begin again, you just don't know when.  Remember, even with counseling, it will take a long time, maybe years, for him to learn to be nonviolent.


4. Why did you leave?

When you are thinking about going home, you don't usually think about the reason that caused you to leave in the first place.  But they are important to face because the same problems you had will come up again.  If he has hit you once, he will hit you again.  If you left because he was abusing you, chances are the abuse will be worse when you return.  If he has an alcohol or drug problem, make excuses for him, or cover up for him, you are enabling him to continue his violent behavior.


5. Are you returning because you want to win?

Do you want to prove you can get him back so you don't feel so rejected?  So that you can feel in control for a while?  if you want to go back but haven't made any steps towards getting help, see if you can remain in the "just thinking" phase for a while.  Stay separated for a while to give yourself time to get help and adjust and to give him time to prove that he is really serious about getting help.  You may long for the security of your relationship now, but two weeks from now, when things are looking up, you may be delighted by your independence.  Often these longings for the relationship have less to do with your feelings for him than your needs for security and familiarity.  And these may change.

Article provided with permission and courtesy of:
Middle Way House, Inc.
P.O. Box 95, Bloomington, IN   47402 ~ 812-336-0846

 

 

Tags: Abuse, Domestic Violence, Cycle of Abuse, Protecting Yourself, Escape Plan, Recovery, Healing

Is Your Life Going In Circles?

Do you ever feel like your life is going around in circles and there is never any real resolution?  Nothing ever seems to get settled, and more and more, it feels like you can't do anything to change it?  If you have lived in abuse for very long at all, you may have felt like that, but you may not have known that abuse really does have it's own cycle? 

This is a diagram of the cycle looks like.  I have included three different descriptions of the cycle of abuse because all three made good points and helped me understand better what had happened to me.  Maybe, they'll help you too?

                                        

Tension Building      

 Honeymoon Phase                        Acute Incident 

1.  The Tension Building
During this phase, the tension between a couple builds and arguments erupt easily.  This is when accusations are made, everyday occurrences become unbearable disturbances and tension in the environment increases.  There may be violent verbal outbursts, strained silences or sulking.  Many women describe this as "walking on eggshells".  This phase may last only a day or two, or it could go on for several months or even years. 

2.  The Acute Incident
This is when the actual "fight" occurs.  There may be slapping, pushing, hitting, biting, kicking, or shoving.  There may be threats or the use of a weapon, sexual abuse, or even murder. 

3.  The Honeymoon
In this phase of the cycle, the abuser makes many apologies and promises that it will never happen again.  There may be a honeymoon - while the couple "makes up" with presents, flowers, romantic dinners out.  The victim begins to hope that the abuser is genuinely remorseful, and chooses to believe that the violence will not happen again.  This phase slowly dissolves into the tension building phase, and the cycle repeats itself.

The duration of each phase varies, and will change over time.  The Honeymoon Phases will become shorter, as the abuser begins to threaten even worse harm if the victim dares to leave.  The Tension Building Phase quickly absorbs honeymoon time and often completely replaces it.  As the abuse becomes more frequent and severe, the couple moves through the cycle more quickly.  Most abusive relationships begin with verbal abuse, and then move into violence, which escalates and becomes more deadly the longer the couple is together.

Many victims of abuse hang on to the belief that "the real person" will someday return for good. But they do not realize that the abuser is "the real person."

(Produced by Safe Home, Johnson County, Kansas)




Or said another way ...




Cycle of Abuse: Time is Not on Your Side!  

The classic abusive relationship is characterized by a three-stage cycle that may or may not be visible to outsiders.

Victim Beware: You are on an emotional roller coaster ride that will wear you down and deplete your self-esteem!

1.  The Tension-Building Stage
The angry person becomes increasingly controlling during this period, which may take days, weeks, or even years to evolve and progress.  Limits are imposed on the partner.  For example, the abuser may decide what clothes look "right" on the partner, or what image is portrayed.  They may try to define whom the partner may or may not speak with and about what, etc.  The control is insidious and progressive.  As tension and control increase, the partner attempts to accommodate the abuser in order to keep peace, to please the abuser, or for some similar reason.  Despite actions the partner takes, the abuser becomes increasingly remote, contemptuous, critical, preoccupied, or otherwise on edge.  The tension and control increase until culminating in the abuse stage.

2.  The Abuse (or acute) Stage
A major verbal, emotional or physically abusive incident occurs that was instigated by the abuser.  A trivial event is often used to trigger the main event.  The abuser actively looks for excuses to blow up over, and may set their partner up in a no-win situation.  One angry man found reason to verbally abuse his girlfriend and destroy her property because he did not like the size of the pot she was boiling eggs in.  Needless to say, the pot had nothing to do with anything.  This opportunist had simply received a nod from a former lover, decided to change girlfriends, and wanted an out.  The victim is often left feeling hurt - and confused.

3.  The Remorse (or honeymoon) Stage:
Once the blows are delivered, the abuser is calmed.  Having blown off steam and regaining composure, the abusive person is full of apologies and promises never to do "it" again - if the partner distances.  The more distanced the victim, the more intensely the abuser pursues ... and pursues ... and pursues.  The abuser can be so charming and complimentary, the co-dependent victim's heart breaks.  There is a compelling need to believe their abuser's promises and pleas and take them back.  The more co-dependent and insecure the partner, the more vulnerable they are to the partner's attentive remorse.  Abusers during this phase are wonderful!  A "normal" person is unlikely to be so compelling and persistent in winning over their partner's love - because they have no reason to be.

As the relationship progresses, The abuse lasts longer, while the loving remorse (honeymoon) dwindles.

The abuser loves a good challenge.  The goal is to win the victim back, at any price.  At a distance, the partner is perceived as emotionally "safe."  The harder the abuser has to work to win back his or her victim, the more the victim is appreciated.  Once the relationship resumes, the abuser's mistrust prompts their poor recall of any tender feelings.  Their fear inevitably powers the resumption of the abuse cycle. 

presented as a part of http://www.drirene.com/cyclesof.htm

 

Or said another way ...




The Cycle of Violence & Abuse
by Uzma Mazhar

Abuse or physical violence is a recurring cycle.

1.  Wooing (tension building) Phase:
Most relationships are rarely violent from the beginning as there is no cumulative stress between partners.  Both are on their best behavior and trying to impress each other.

As the relationship continues, the demands, expectations and stress increases.  At this phase violence is directed toward objects rather than the partner: punching doors, kicking furniture, throwing objects, breaking stuff, etc.  The abusive behavior is reinforced by a release of tension following this aggressive action.  Aggressive behavior is a way for the abuser to release tension and stress. 

The violence then moves from objects to his partner and there is an increase in verbal abuse: yelling, screaming, increased arguments, insults, name-calling, etc. and in general tends to become more critical of the victim.

The attacked partner (or victim) begins to alter his/her behavior to stop the verbal abuse and/or the physical violence ... The partner works harder at keeping the house cleaner, the children quieter, helping more with chores, staying home more often, etc ... anything to not get the abuser angry or to trigger another outburst.  

The victim has bought into the belief that he/she is the cause of the abuser's anger.  The verbal, emotional and/or physical abuse continues to escalate.  The victim tends to pull away from the abusive spouse and feels responsible for the abuse, often blaming themselves, feeling inadequate and a failure.

The abuser's control starts becoming more pervasive, and spills over into all aspects of the victim's life.  He/she may become obsessively jealous and tries to control most of the partner's behavior or time: where the partner will go, with whom, how they should dress and will even forbid the partner from seeing certain people.  The abuser isolates the partner from family and friends.  Emotional manipulation and black-mailing the partner into believing that if they loved them, they would not need others, or that since they are married their place is with each other ... even to the exclusion of sharing any 'private' stuff with family or close friends, insisting that they should keep their personal life private and to maintain secrecy, having effectively cut off any reality-checking that he/she could do if she shared his/her problem with family or friends.

The victim tends to feel that nothing they do is good enough for the abuser, that theyare "walking on eggshells" and feels powerless to stop the next beating and/or explosion.  They start doubting their ability to discern right from wrong. 

The abuser believes that the victim should be able to make them feel better if they changed, they blame the victim for making them feel miserable and deny that they are hurt, frustrated, disappointed and insecure.  The abuser feels powerless and stuck, yet unwilling to look at themselves, it does not occur to them that the problem may be with them.

2.  Active (abuse or acute) Phase:
Typically, the abuser makes a choice about his/her violence before the incident ... choosing the place and time, deciding what fight to pick, how and which part of the body to hit.  The pattern of abuse is so well established that they know what button to push and what reaction they will get.  They know what will escalate the situation.  It has become a well choreographed dance.

The victim being unprepared for the incident, is shocked at where it came from and is terrified, ashamed, humiliated, degraded and angry.  The victim tends to wrongly blame themselves for the violence.

The abuser feels out of control, tries to prove to himself that he/she is in control and does so by abusing the victim.  The abuser blames the victim for their loss of control, their violent outburst and believes that the victim instigated it.  The abuser believes that the abuse solved the problem.

3.  The Morning After (remorse or honeymoon) Phase:
This phase is also called the 'Honeymoon Phase'.  I prefer calling it the Morning After Phase as it has characteristics similar to the disoriented hangover of a drunk, and the guilt after a one night stand.  This phase is characterized by shame and guilt-provoked resolve to change, with promises of never abusing again and begging for forgiveness.

At this stage the abuser feels temporarily in control, takes some responsibility for his/her behavior, giving the partner hope for change.  Even though the abuser is afraid of the intensity of their own anger and that the victim will leave them, they minimize the abuse and want to avoid dealing with it.

The relationship continues and with every such cycle the possibility that the violence will escalate and the severity increase will get greater ... And the cycle continues ... back to the very short-lived wooing phase, then the building up of the tension, to active abuse phase and on to the morning after phase.  As the pattern gets more established, the phases get shorter and shorter, and the abuse gets more severe and violent.

 

You know, if three different people have just described your life, maybe your not as alone as you think you are?

I remember blaming myself, wondering what I could have done differently because the things he said and the things I felt were so different.  I remember being confused.  Sometimes, from out of nowhere, he'd get REALLY MAD.  Sometimes, I saw it coming.  Most of the time, I had absolutely no idea why he was so mad.  His stormy behavior would throw me off balance, but the bad mood would pass, sometimes as quickly as it started.  There would be a moment of calm, and just as I would get comfortable, another storm would come! 

It got to be like having a very large, spoiled child in the house!  There just was no pleasing him.  Giving into his demands only fueled more demands.  It was exhausting.  He was sucking the joy out of life and the life out of me!  Do you ever feel like that?  Is someone doing that to you too?  It doesn't have to stay that way.  You can do something about it. 

Think about the cycle of abuse and how many times the cycle has happened to you.  How many times in the last day?  How many times in the last week?  Did he used to make a big show of apologizing, bring you flowers, cry about how sorry he was, tell you how much he needed you and beg you to forgive him?  Has he done that lately, or is it like these people said ... the abuse lasts longer and the honeymoon is shorter?  If the abuse gets worse, do you ever wonder what he'll do next?

That's a lot to think about for now.  Let's talk about what you can do tomorrow.  Until then ... 

TAKE CARE OF YOU!

Tags: Abuse, Domestic Violence, Cycle of Abuse, Recovery, Healing

BLACK and BLUE

Sometimes, I get emails from ladies and gentlemen who thank me for something I have shared.  Other times, I get emails from people just wanting to share their stories.  Some are admitting for the first time that they were abused.  Some are dealing with abuse as they write.  Some have just broken free.  Some are a few months into recovery and others are just like me ...

 

Survivors who believe it is our responsibility to be an advocate for all those who are still out there, feeling shame and guilt because they think they are all alone and no one can understand.

 

There are other emails too.  Hateful diatribes from bitter, abusive men who say that it is wrong for me to speak of such things and that I shouldn't make them sound like bad people ... I never named a single one of them.  I don't even refer to the man who abused me by his real name!  But in the South, they have a saying ... "the HIT DOG howls", and perhaps the very fact that they feel accused and belittled is proof, although sketchy proof, that on some level, even the abuser knows who and what he is.

 

There is the third category of emails that prove to me that it is still possible for people to live in a cave ... completely isolated from the rest of the world, where they are either snuggled up in their own denial system or totally oblivious to the world around them.  Those people still cling desperately to the belief that abuse does not happen.

 

I write to and for all of you.

 

I care about the victims.  I care about their families.  I even care about the abusers!  I care about the silent observers and the non-believers because, sooner or later, all of our lives are going to be touched by violence. 

I don't think it is possible to talk a single woman or man into leaving an abusive situation.  I do believe that I cancontinue to share information that may help people come to a more informed decision about their choices.  Knowledge is power, but it isn't just victims that need information.  It's every one else too because when a victim tells someone she has been abused, she needs to feel believed. 

Victims (and their abusers) are getting more emotional support and encouragement to adopt healthier lifestyles than ever before because of public awareness.

 

Survivors who are willing to speak out are helping to build public awareness.  We are pulling this difficult subject out of the closet and asking you to look at it, not because we want or need your pity for a situation we have long since recovered from ... but because we are purposely trying to pull at your heart strings, tug at your conscience and engage your mind to help stop the violence.  I don't believe any one person can do it alone ... but I believe that 100 of us, or 1000 of us, or 10,000 of us can make a difference in the lives of our sons and daughters and their sons and daughters and their sons and daughters ...

 

"The world is a dangerous place, not because of evil, but because of those who look on evil and do nothing about it."   - Albert Einstein

 

Today, I'm sharing an article about abuse with some staggering statistics.  I would like for you to read it with your thinking caps on.  I would like you to put yourself in the victim's place.  I would like for you to think about the children living in the shadow of domestic violence.  I would like for you to think about your own community.  I would like for you to ask yourself what you can do to help.  If you have a thought or an idea that you would like to share, I'd be happy to hear it. 

 

If you want to help but don't know what you can do, that's okay too.  There is one thing that we all can do.  You can close your eyes and send positive thoughts and prayers to those who are coweringin a corner, praying for help.  Jesus said "That if any two of you shall agree on earth about anything you ask, it shall be done for you by my Father in Heaven."  You can simply close your eyes and agree.  You can be their second.  It will make a difference! 

 

 

 

 

BLACK and BLUE
Psychological Weapons in the Intimate War
by Libby Coyne and Judy Purdy

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can also hurt you.

That’s especially true if the damaging words come from someone close to you, especially a spouse, said psychologist Ileana Arias. Bruises and broken bones are easier to see than the injuries of psychological abuse, but it doesn't mean that they are any less painful — or long-lasting.  It’s not clear that people can get over psychological abuse, that it doesn't hurt as much as physical abuse.

(In 1995, when Arias began to look at psychological abuse among couples, "there wasn't anything out there you could identify as a significant body of research. The most important thing that I've done so far is to identify that psychological abuse is as detrimental as physical abuse. Psychological abuse is rampant, and its effects are underestimated, significantly so," said the UGA (University of Georgia) clinical psychology professor, who has studied domestic violence for 15 years.)

"Male violence is the number one source of injury to women," said Terrence (Red) Crowley, community intervention project director of the Atlanta-based organization Men Stopping Violence:

"The problem is daunting. Conservatively, 40 percent of men use force with women to get their way.  Battery is a systematic campaign of psychological, economic, verbal and sexual abuse, all held in place by violence and the threat of violence.  It’s a crime not just against women but against society and nature. It’s our responsibility as men to end it."

Psychological abuse is more common and widespread than physical abuse.  People who physically abuse their mates almost always use psychological abuse first and that men who escalate from psychological abuse to physical force frequently grew up in domestically violent homes.

There are women who are psychologically abused, even severely, and are never, ever touched.  Those women don't usually identify themselves as victimized, and often professionals don't either. They just say, "Well, you know, it’s a bad marriage."  But it goes beyond being a bad marriage.  There’s a population of women out there who need specific services and attention, and they are being ignored because of the bias toward looking at physical abuse.


Abuse and the Dating Scene

It’s no secret that abusive behavior is a way to gain or maintain power and control in a marriage, but that physical abuse and psychological abuse are just as prevalent in dating relationships.  In a recent study of 156 college men in dating relationships, men who physically abused their girlfriends were dissatisfied either with their own amount of power in the relationship or with the relationship itself.  Low levels of satisfaction with relationship power increased the likelihood of psychological and, ultimately, physical abuse.  The study also showed that dating men who are at greatest risk for escalating from psychological to physical abuse were the ones who, as children, had seen their fathers physically abuse their mothers.


Stand By Your Man

Psychological abuse may be harder to define than physical abuse, but its effects can be just as damaging.  It’s harder to escape from psychological abuse.  A lot of the women say they can handle the physical abuse. What they can't handle is the degradation, the humiliation and the psychological control their partners engage in.  Psychological abuse includes emotional abuse, which destroys self-esteem, and domination abuse, which exerts physical control.

Emotional abuse is trying to convince her that she’s crazy or stupid, or that she’s lucky to have you, that she’s a bad parent.  Domination abuse is not allowing her to have access to a car or money, making her account for every single minute of the day and calling several times a day to make sure that she’s home.

When women leave an abusive relationship, the decision hinges more on the psychological abuse than on the physical abuse.  Psychological abuse compounds their fears and causes them to question their ability to make it on their own. They worry about what their husbands might do next and how bad the situation could get.  It’s rare that both psychological and physical abuse get addressed so battered women are not getting services they need to overcome the totality of their abusive experiences.

Getting Out

Understanding women’s intentions to get out and stay out of abusive partnerships is an important factor in ending domestic violence.

Surprisingly, for women in battered shelters, neither severity nor frequency of physical abuse predicted their resolve to stay out of an abusive relationship. Instead, the motivation to leave was related more to psychological abuse.  What did predict their resolve to leave was their perception that the violence had gotten worse over time.  That is scary, because that means that as long as the abuser maintains a [stable] level of abuse — and it doesn't matter if it’s very severe or very moderate — she’s not motivated to get out.

How women deal with stress and setbacks also predicts who gets stuck and who takes action. Coping strategies that only reduce emotional impact or make a person feel better — eating chocolate, calling a friend — don't change long-term behavior.

Abused women must learn to confront problems head-on.

They have to face the problem, figure out their alternatives and take a more action-oriented approach.  The idea is for them to discover ways they can change the situation because a lot of times they don't believe they can.

From Generation To Generation

(What happens to the kids?  What happens to YOUR kids?)

Not everyone who grows up with abuse becomes abusive, but studies have shown that children who grow up in violent homes are more accepting as adults of violence against intimate partners and are more likely to engage in violence.  Abused mothers more often withdraw from parental duties and have a higher tendency for child neglect: They don't reinforce, reward or pay as much attention to their children.  And just like their psychologically abused mothers, boys and girls both are more likely to be depressed and have low self-esteem.

There are bright spots in the UGA findings. For instance, grandparents are good buffers. Kids who have a good relationship with grandparents — at least with maternal grandparents — don't have as many depression and self-esteem issues.  While growing up in a violent home is bad, it doesn't have to be fatal.

Profile of an Abuser

Spousal abuse is no respecter of social, educational, gender, ethnic or racial group.

• high aggression
• low self-esteem
• increased desire for control
• impulsiveness
• defensiveness
• grew up in violent homes
• a high level of narcissism
• large discrepancy between how the abuser sees himself and how others see him
• becomes angry and expresses rage when they don't get what they want or what they think they're entitled to
• interpret others’ behavior as a personal affront, whether it is or not

Identifying personality characteristics of abusive men could help predict who might engage in psychological or physical abuse and help those at risk change their behavior.  And stopping the abuse with parents may help halt it before it contaminates the next generation.

ABUSE The Cold, Hard Facts

1 out of 8
number of husbands who batter their wives in a 12-month period

1,500
number of U.S. battered women’s shelters

3,800
number of U.S. animal shelters

15-44
the age of females for whom domestic violence leads the cause of injury

#1
domestic violence tops the list of why women visit the emergency room

90
percentage of abusers who have no criminal record

30
percentage of murdered women killed by a current or former husband or boyfriend

22
percentage of middle-class divorces that result from violence

2 out of 3
number of white men who verbally or psychologically abuse their wives/partners

8.8
percentage of homicides committed by current or former spouse/partner (of either sex) in 1996 — down from 13.6% in 1976

50
percentage of men who will use physical force at some point in the relationship.  

Source: Department of Justice, FBI, 1990 Senate Judiciary Hearings, EAP Digest, Partnership Against Violence, National Clearinghouse for Defense of Battered Women

For more information, e-mail Ileana Arias at iarias@uga.cc.uga.edu or access the U.S. Department of Justice web site: http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/vawo/

Libby Coyne, a former, intern in the research communications office, graduated from UGA with a degree in English. Judy Purdy is the editor of Research Reporter.

To visit the site that this was taken from, simply click below:
Research Magazine :: Spring 1998 : Black and Blue

Tags: Black and Blue, Psychological Weapons In The Intimate War, Libby Coyne, Judy Purdy, Abuse, Domestic Violence, Healing, Recovery, Abuse Statistics

Make A Brand New Ending !!!

Physicists tell us that once an atom has touched another atom, there is a relationship between the two atoms that endures forever, no matter how far they are from each other ... Once made, a relationship always exists.  It seems that in human relationships, that principle exists as well.  Once a person has been a part of our lives, the ripples remain, even though we have no further contact.  In that sense a relationship continues even though we may consciously exorcise it from our conscious contact.  Once you understand that principle, a shift will occur in all of your contact with others.

If the relationship was toxic, the relationship must go through a transformation, since it will always be with you.  You do not need to be in contact with the person to change the nature of the relationship.  You can change how you perceive it.  You can change how it impacts you.  This is true of all human systems - intact or not.

Your whole emotional and intellectual stance toward that person must be different.  By this point you already have what you need to know.
 

CAUTION:
THERE ARE GREAT RISKS THAT COME WITH RECOVERY!

The problem of recovery is whether you are willing to risk the changes necessary.  We have our own list of things we need to do.  It wouldn't hurt for the people around us to know and understand what our goals are.  We all need to know that change doesn't happen overnight and some things take practice.  We will have good days and bad days.  Some things will come easier than others ...


THINGS WE MUST DO TO WIN OUR LIVES BACK:


TO COMMIT TO REALITY AT ALL COSTS

Recovery requires staying in reality.  

TO ACCEPT THE MISPERCEPTION OF OTHERS

Once you have clarity about reality you must be willing to risk that others will misperceive you.  Survivors want others to understand them.  They do not want anyone upset with them.  Their childhood training taught them that "if you cannot say something nice, do not say anything at all." ... The fact is that you can give the perfect explanation and others will not understand it, maybe not even believe it.  Even those who truly do cherish the survivor will misperceive ...

If survivors are making significant changes, the people around them will not like it. 

They will misinterpret the survivor's actions.  They may even question the survivor's motivation and conduct.  Count on it.  Remember, others ... will have to go through denial, fear and anger before they get to the pain.  That includes family members, friends and other people on whom survivors might count.  If you are committed to reality, you must accept that people will misperceive you.

TO HAVE BOUNDARIES

If you are willing to have others misperceive you, then you must run the risk of drawing boundaries.  Implementing the boundaries you have specified in your recovery plan will upset people.  When the victim starts insisting on maintaining limits and meeting her own needs, self-respect emerges. 

Here is a person who demands reckoning;
a person of value ...

Second, having boundaries clarifies values.  They essentially are the answer to the question, "For what am I willing to fight?"  Those values help define who the person is.  Finally, by successfully implementing boundaries, a new trust for yourself emerges.  Survivors can and will take care of themselves, which creates a new sense of safety.

TO SAY GOOD-BYE

If someone does not respect your boundaries, you will have to leave ... The best thing for you - and in fact, the other person as well - is to face the reality thatthe relationship cannot survive.  Saying good-bye is wrenching for survivors, who already grieve many losses ... So when it is time to say good-bye, the grief will be overwhelming.  The only choice you have to survive is to embrace the pain and experience the loss.  You may not have to say good-bye, but you must be willing to do so.  In fact, life as you know it may require a complete transformation for you to survive these relationships.  Work, values, homes, friends and even family relationships may have to substantively change for a successful recovery. 

What lengths are you willing to go to in order to be free? 

When you answer that question, you may have to face another risk; to be alone and be okay.

TO BE ALONE AND BE OKAY

People who are not afraid to be alone can afford to demand relationships that work.  They are not desperate while between relationships.  Nor do they fill their lives with mindless television or mind-numbing addictions.  They learn to be alone and be okay.

TO BE SPIRITUAL

Here is what happens spiritually:

1. Crisis and pain force surrender.
2. We accept the realties we tried to flee.
3. The lesson will be repeated until learned.  If ignored, the lessons become harder.
4. The lessons teach us about human limitation.
5. We believed we were more than other humans.  We could escape the harm.
6. When we accept suffering, we reconnect with the deeper rhythms of the universe.
7. We cannot escape the inevitable message.  Now it means too much.
8. <FONTFACE=ARIAL>We have lost too much, but we do have integrity.
9. Never again will we let things not matter.  We are part of a larger purpose.
10. We know we have learned the lesson when our actions change.

First comes the connection with self and the acceptance of your own brokenness.  Then there is the acceptance of the community and renewed trust in others.  The ability to trust oneself and others clears the path to trusting a creator. 

That trust also means acceptance of a larger purpose, 
A purpose in which, at times,
Even bad things can happen to very good people ...

To trust a higher purpose or power requires an essential trust of others.  Trust of others really only comes from a deep trust of your own integrity.

TO BE HONEST

If you have a solid spiritual life, you realize that nothing really disconnects you from others.  Then it is a matter of courage to be yourself and to be honest about who you are.  This means:

1. To admit the hard things about yourself.
2. To be clear about hard things others must hear.
3. To not mislead anyone.
4. To not live a secret life.
5. To abandon false fronts and false pride.
6. To be clear about your intent.
7. To tell the truth.
8. To not hide from difficult moments.
9. To give up being "nice" all the time.
10. To state your needs and wants without shame.
11. To not cover or lie for anyone.  

TO BE VULNERABLE

The most important skill to acquire and use in recovery is the capacity to get a consultation.  To get a consultation means to involve people in what goes on in your own interior world.  The dumb thoughts.  The scary thoughts.  The garbled thoughts.  The irrational fears.  The angry, vengeful fantasies.  The nightmares.  The unspoken desire. 

By sharing with others, you have an examined life.  People know who you are.  They also help you with their perspectives and ideas.  They bring reality and problem-solving skills to your life.  This process allows for integration of the darker side of yourself and acceptance of your humanness ... It is then that we can share the shadow side of ourselves, the nasty, mean-spirited side of ourselves ... Failure to own that reality will keep us from the serenity that we seek.  Disowning our shadow will prevent integrity.  Remember that others are mirrors for ourselves.  What we love or hate in others reflects what we love or hate about ourselves. 

Dr. Carl Jung wrote that to acknowledge our skeletons is the only way we will be able to ultimately accept the "gold" of life.

TO FIGHT

Most survivors avoid conflict.  In their past, anger and violence meant great danger.  There were rules about keeping the peace and saying nice things.  The truth is that sometimes you will have to fight.  To remove yourself from a trauma bond safely and with self-care might mean that you have to insist on your rights ... Let go of being nice.  It is always important to let others hear you.  It is important to protect yourself.  It is always important to make sure you do not intentionally hurt others purely for the sake of hurting them.  These are all good reasons to fight.  Besides, the boundaries become clear in the process.

TO DEFINE SELF

One of the most common reports from people emerging from a trauma bond isthat they had not realized how much someone else regulated their values, lifestyle and daily choices.

TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF

Your life is up to you.  Take charge of it or somebody else will.

FROM SUFFERING TO MEANING

Whether it is betrayal by seduction, terror, power, intimacy or spirit, exploitation is simply no longer acceptable ... We are accountable to each other for our behavior ... You have committed yourself to stopping or changing an abusive relationship.  In that you have helped all of us.

(from the book: The Betrayal Bond - Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D.)

 

Though no one can go back
And make a brand new start ...
Anyone can start from NOW
And
Make a brand new ending.

                                                     ~ Author Unknown

 

 

Tags: Abuse, Domestic Violence, Recovery, Healing

Are You Hurt? Are You Safe? Are You Okay?

Someone asked me how I moved on.  I understood the question.  I remember how at the beginning of this journey, people encouraged me to move on but I had absolutely no idea where to start or even what to do!  I think that goes with the territory.  But I promise ... time does moves on, without our help and even without our participation.  Eventually, slowly at first, we start to notice that there is just too much out there to forever stand on the sidelines.  

The most you can do before you move on is to take care of the things you can, be thankful for the things you can and learn from the thing that sidelined you.  

I read a book recently about children who lose their parents early in life.  The book said that the child's perception of life before the death and their perception of life after death is forever changed in that one moment:
 

The world became eternally divided into
A before and after ...

Since then,
Everything has changed.

~ Tove Dittlesen  

That is true for me too.  The world changed for me when I became a victim, but I won back the best parts of my world by becoming a survivor.  It wasn't easy, but it was worth it.   

There are some hurts that leave some vicious scars.  A broken heart is not much different from a broken bone.  The place that mends will knit together in such a way that it's even stronger than before the break, but occasionally on a dark and cold day, you feel a little sore where the break was ... So in way, your world divides into "before the break" and "after the break",but that is not the end of the story!  

Let me tell you about that wonderful "knit together" place! 

I lost a little pride during the healing.  I admitted to myself and others that I had made some foolish choices.  That wasn't easy.  Of course, we all want to be perfect people with perfect lives, but admitting that I wasn't perfect was the best thing that I ever done!  The world didn't end.  I wasn't scorned and cast down!  Instead, I was relieved and grateful to have survived.   

Once, I let go of the notion that I had to be perfect for people to love me ... it wasn't much of a step to let go of the notion that other people had to be perfect too!  In fact, I felt relief again that the people around me were just as human as I was, and a part of me loved them just a little bit more.   

My expectations relaxed.  Since I wasn't wasting so much energy on all of us having to be perfect, I had more energy to do the things that really mattered.   

I quit looking inside and started noticing the world around me.  When you look at the world with acceptance instead of judgment, the world is a much prettier place!  It is what it is. 

Do birds have to think they are perfect before they can fly? Of course not!  They are just birds.  Do flowers have to be the prettiest flower in the garden before they can bloom?  Nope, they all bloom when it is there time.

We humans are the only ones that worry about being the best, the prettiest, or the smartest ... and all that worry almost guarantees that we will never be the best, the prettiest, or the smartest ... We keep ourselves from being happy by making ourselves miserable choosing to spend time with people who are just as miserable because of course misery loves company and when two miserable people get together, guess what happens? 

Heartbreak and disappointment!  

So we are back to that knit-together and mended heart of mine ...My heart might get broken again in another place and another time, but that place and that time is over and done with.  I am stronger than I was in that part of my heart.  Love filled the hurt placed and knit together what was left ... love for me, love for my friends and family and even love for my enemies ... We are all just human, and most of us are doing the best we can most of the time, but occasionally we all make some really dumb decisions and someone will get hurt when we do.  It's the same for everyone.  

That part of my heart is stronger now but the break gave me a view of the world I never would have seen if I had not been hurt.  I am grateful for the chance to see the world the way I see it now, with acceptance instead of judgment.  I am grateful to live in a world where I can just be who I am like a bird is just a bird.  I am grateful to be like a flower that will bloom when it is my time.  

Of course, there will be cold, dark times when my heart will ache!  Life will bring new heartaches.  The old heartaches will serve as reminders that bad things happened, but better than that ... they will be living examples of how a heart can heal and a spirit can survive even the darkest times. 

They will be symbols of hope that I healed once and I can do it again ... if I have to!  I am a survivor.  

You can too survive too.  You will move on, when you are ready.  You will learn what you need to learn.  Things that effected me may have no effect on you.  Things that effect you may not have been the same things that challenged me.  We all have our own lessons to learn in this business of being human.  We all eventually reestablish our equilibrium, find our balance, and discover our purpose ... when it is our time.
  

Not everything you do is going
to be a
masterpiece
but
you get out there and you try
and sometimes
it really happens.
The other times,
you're just stretching your soul.

                        - Maya Angelou    

What if you are not ready to move on?  If you are sitting on the side, feeling miserable and broken, too hurt to move ... just rest for a minute.  It's okay.  Catch your breath.

Are you hurt?   

Nothing wrong with that!  Take a deep breath.  Inhale.  Exhale.  You are breathing.  Right?  Well, thank God, you are still alive.  Even if you are hurting, thank God you are able to still feel something.  Take another deep breath.  Close your eyes.  Tell yourself you are going to be okay. 

Does it hurt to move?  It's okay.  Don't move!  You have suffered a shock.  I know it hurts.  How could anybody be so mean to you, when you always try to be good to other people?  Sweetie, it's time for you to be good to yourself.

Are you safe?   

Are you safe right now?  Do you need to go to a safer place?  What do you need to do to make things better for you?  Don't think about all the other things you need to do for everyone else. 

Think about YOU ... this time.

Are your feelings all jumbled up?  Sweetie, do you want to go back to when he wasn't hurting you?  It's too late for that.  He already hurt you.  Going back isn't an option anymore ... You can't turn back time.  You can sit here and feel bad as long as you want to feel bad ... Heck, I think I threw a glorious pity party for myself, complete with balloons and party favors!  

We can't deny our hurt or our self pity or our sadness or our loss or our anger or our disappointment ... or any other feeling that we feel.  That is just where we are.  Go ahead.  Feel them ... Feel every single feeling.  Feel them twice.  Feel them 100 times if you have to! 

Take a deep breath again.  Feel that?  That's new life.  New life will come the same way fresh air comes.  You'll get your second wind.  The sore places will heal. 

Do you think it would help for you to get up and walk around a little bit?

Are you okay?  

You can survive.  You already have made it through so many things in your life.  You can move past the hurt, when you are ready.  We all have our own lessons to learn. 


There is a beautiful place in each of our souls that longs to make things right in our world.  We have tried to get there in so many ways that haven't worked for us.  Abuse may leave us broken, but it is exactly in the brokenness that we can find a direct path to our heart!  We may have to clear away debris.  We may have to rearrange.  We may have to get rid of things that held us back. 

We don't have to do everything all at once.  It took most our lives to get it here.  It may take the rest of our lives to make everything right in our world, but what a journey it will be!  We are not at the END.  WE HAVE JUST FOUND THE BEGINNING!  We can eventually reestablish our equilibrium, find our balance, and discover our purpose ... IF WE CHOOSE TO ... IN OUR OWN WAY ... IN OUR OWN TIME ...
     

May you have enough happiness
To make you sweet,
Enough trials to make you strong,
Enough sorrow to keep you human,
Enough hope to make you happy.

Tags: Abuse, Domestic Violence, Recovery, Healing, Being Safe