BLACK and BLUE

Sometimes, I get emails from ladies and gentlemen who thank me for something I have shared.  Other times, I get emails from people just wanting to share their stories.  Some are admitting for the first time that they were abused.  Some are dealing with abuse as they write.  Some have just broken free.  Some are a few months into recovery and others are just like me ...

 

Survivors who believe it is our responsibility to be an advocate for all those who are still out there, feeling shame and guilt because they think they are all alone and no one can understand.

 

There are other emails too.  Hateful diatribes from bitter, abusive men who say that it is wrong for me to speak of such things and that I shouldn't make them sound like bad people ... I never named a single one of them.  I don't even refer to the man who abused me by his real name!  But in the South, they have a saying ... "the HIT DOG howls", and perhaps the very fact that they feel accused and belittled is proof, although sketchy proof, that on some level, even the abuser knows who and what he is.

 

There is the third category of emails that prove to me that it is still possible for people to live in a cave ... completely isolated from the rest of the world, where they are either snuggled up in their own denial system or totally oblivious to the world around them.  Those people still cling desperately to the belief that abuse does not happen.

 

I write to and for all of you.

 

I care about the victims.  I care about their families.  I even care about the abusers!  I care about the silent observers and the non-believers because, sooner or later, all of our lives are going to be touched by violence. 

I don't think it is possible to talk a single woman or man into leaving an abusive situation.  I do believe that I cancontinue to share information that may help people come to a more informed decision about their choices.  Knowledge is power, but it isn't just victims that need information.  It's every one else too because when a victim tells someone she has been abused, she needs to feel believed. 

Victims (and their abusers) are getting more emotional support and encouragement to adopt healthier lifestyles than ever before because of public awareness.

 

Survivors who are willing to speak out are helping to build public awareness.  We are pulling this difficult subject out of the closet and asking you to look at it, not because we want or need your pity for a situation we have long since recovered from ... but because we are purposely trying to pull at your heart strings, tug at your conscience and engage your mind to help stop the violence.  I don't believe any one person can do it alone ... but I believe that 100 of us, or 1000 of us, or 10,000 of us can make a difference in the lives of our sons and daughters and their sons and daughters and their sons and daughters ...

 

"The world is a dangerous place, not because of evil, but because of those who look on evil and do nothing about it."   - Albert Einstein

 

Today, I'm sharing an article about abuse with some staggering statistics.  I would like for you to read it with your thinking caps on.  I would like you to put yourself in the victim's place.  I would like for you to think about the children living in the shadow of domestic violence.  I would like for you to think about your own community.  I would like for you to ask yourself what you can do to help.  If you have a thought or an idea that you would like to share, I'd be happy to hear it. 

 

If you want to help but don't know what you can do, that's okay too.  There is one thing that we all can do.  You can close your eyes and send positive thoughts and prayers to those who are coweringin a corner, praying for help.  Jesus said "That if any two of you shall agree on earth about anything you ask, it shall be done for you by my Father in Heaven."  You can simply close your eyes and agree.  You can be their second.  It will make a difference! 

 

 

 

 

BLACK and BLUE
Psychological Weapons in the Intimate War
by Libby Coyne and Judy Purdy

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can also hurt you.

That’s especially true if the damaging words come from someone close to you, especially a spouse, said psychologist Ileana Arias. Bruises and broken bones are easier to see than the injuries of psychological abuse, but it doesn't mean that they are any less painful — or long-lasting.  It’s not clear that people can get over psychological abuse, that it doesn't hurt as much as physical abuse.

(In 1995, when Arias began to look at psychological abuse among couples, "there wasn't anything out there you could identify as a significant body of research. The most important thing that I've done so far is to identify that psychological abuse is as detrimental as physical abuse. Psychological abuse is rampant, and its effects are underestimated, significantly so," said the UGA (University of Georgia) clinical psychology professor, who has studied domestic violence for 15 years.)

"Male violence is the number one source of injury to women," said Terrence (Red) Crowley, community intervention project director of the Atlanta-based organization Men Stopping Violence:

"The problem is daunting. Conservatively, 40 percent of men use force with women to get their way.  Battery is a systematic campaign of psychological, economic, verbal and sexual abuse, all held in place by violence and the threat of violence.  It’s a crime not just against women but against society and nature. It’s our responsibility as men to end it."

Psychological abuse is more common and widespread than physical abuse.  People who physically abuse their mates almost always use psychological abuse first and that men who escalate from psychological abuse to physical force frequently grew up in domestically violent homes.

There are women who are psychologically abused, even severely, and are never, ever touched.  Those women don't usually identify themselves as victimized, and often professionals don't either. They just say, "Well, you know, it’s a bad marriage."  But it goes beyond being a bad marriage.  There’s a population of women out there who need specific services and attention, and they are being ignored because of the bias toward looking at physical abuse.


Abuse and the Dating Scene

It’s no secret that abusive behavior is a way to gain or maintain power and control in a marriage, but that physical abuse and psychological abuse are just as prevalent in dating relationships.  In a recent study of 156 college men in dating relationships, men who physically abused their girlfriends were dissatisfied either with their own amount of power in the relationship or with the relationship itself.  Low levels of satisfaction with relationship power increased the likelihood of psychological and, ultimately, physical abuse.  The study also showed that dating men who are at greatest risk for escalating from psychological to physical abuse were the ones who, as children, had seen their fathers physically abuse their mothers.


Stand By Your Man

Psychological abuse may be harder to define than physical abuse, but its effects can be just as damaging.  It’s harder to escape from psychological abuse.  A lot of the women say they can handle the physical abuse. What they can't handle is the degradation, the humiliation and the psychological control their partners engage in.  Psychological abuse includes emotional abuse, which destroys self-esteem, and domination abuse, which exerts physical control.

Emotional abuse is trying to convince her that she’s crazy or stupid, or that she’s lucky to have you, that she’s a bad parent.  Domination abuse is not allowing her to have access to a car or money, making her account for every single minute of the day and calling several times a day to make sure that she’s home.

When women leave an abusive relationship, the decision hinges more on the psychological abuse than on the physical abuse.  Psychological abuse compounds their fears and causes them to question their ability to make it on their own. They worry about what their husbands might do next and how bad the situation could get.  It’s rare that both psychological and physical abuse get addressed so battered women are not getting services they need to overcome the totality of their abusive experiences.

Getting Out

Understanding women’s intentions to get out and stay out of abusive partnerships is an important factor in ending domestic violence.

Surprisingly, for women in battered shelters, neither severity nor frequency of physical abuse predicted their resolve to stay out of an abusive relationship. Instead, the motivation to leave was related more to psychological abuse.  What did predict their resolve to leave was their perception that the violence had gotten worse over time.  That is scary, because that means that as long as the abuser maintains a [stable] level of abuse — and it doesn't matter if it’s very severe or very moderate — she’s not motivated to get out.

How women deal with stress and setbacks also predicts who gets stuck and who takes action. Coping strategies that only reduce emotional impact or make a person feel better — eating chocolate, calling a friend — don't change long-term behavior.

Abused women must learn to confront problems head-on.

They have to face the problem, figure out their alternatives and take a more action-oriented approach.  The idea is for them to discover ways they can change the situation because a lot of times they don't believe they can.

From Generation To Generation

(What happens to the kids?  What happens to YOUR kids?)

Not everyone who grows up with abuse becomes abusive, but studies have shown that children who grow up in violent homes are more accepting as adults of violence against intimate partners and are more likely to engage in violence.  Abused mothers more often withdraw from parental duties and have a higher tendency for child neglect: They don't reinforce, reward or pay as much attention to their children.  And just like their psychologically abused mothers, boys and girls both are more likely to be depressed and have low self-esteem.

There are bright spots in the UGA findings. For instance, grandparents are good buffers. Kids who have a good relationship with grandparents — at least with maternal grandparents — don't have as many depression and self-esteem issues.  While growing up in a violent home is bad, it doesn't have to be fatal.

Profile of an Abuser

Spousal abuse is no respecter of social, educational, gender, ethnic or racial group.

• high aggression
• low self-esteem
• increased desire for control
• impulsiveness
• defensiveness
• grew up in violent homes
• a high level of narcissism
• large discrepancy between how the abuser sees himself and how others see him
• becomes angry and expresses rage when they don't get what they want or what they think they're entitled to
• interpret others’ behavior as a personal affront, whether it is or not

Identifying personality characteristics of abusive men could help predict who might engage in psychological or physical abuse and help those at risk change their behavior.  And stopping the abuse with parents may help halt it before it contaminates the next generation.

ABUSE The Cold, Hard Facts

1 out of 8
number of husbands who batter their wives in a 12-month period

1,500
number of U.S. battered women’s shelters

3,800
number of U.S. animal shelters

15-44
the age of females for whom domestic violence leads the cause of injury

#1
domestic violence tops the list of why women visit the emergency room

90
percentage of abusers who have no criminal record

30
percentage of murdered women killed by a current or former husband or boyfriend

22
percentage of middle-class divorces that result from violence

2 out of 3
number of white men who verbally or psychologically abuse their wives/partners

8.8
percentage of homicides committed by current or former spouse/partner (of either sex) in 1996 — down from 13.6% in 1976

50
percentage of men who will use physical force at some point in the relationship.  

Source: Department of Justice, FBI, 1990 Senate Judiciary Hearings, EAP Digest, Partnership Against Violence, National Clearinghouse for Defense of Battered Women

For more information, e-mail Ileana Arias at iarias@uga.cc.uga.edu or access the U.S. Department of Justice web site: http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/vawo/

Libby Coyne, a former, intern in the research communications office, graduated from UGA with a degree in English. Judy Purdy is the editor of Research Reporter.

To visit the site that this was taken from, simply click below:
Research Magazine :: Spring 1998 : Black and Blue

Tags: Black and Blue, Psychological Weapons In The Intimate War, Libby Coyne, Judy Purdy, Abuse, Domestic Violence, Healing, Recovery, Abuse Statistics