It may sound strange to say so, but years later and well on my way to absolute HEALING, I am actually thankful that things ended the way they did (1) because, at least, they ended, (2) Aydan's extreme behavior forced me to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and get away and get help, and (3) I did survive the abuse. Aydan had abused me mentally, emotionally and physically for years. When I first broke free, I had a lot of work to do. I had all the worst symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress. Those symptoms, again, are:
Symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome:
- Anxiety
- Avoiding anything that reminds the survivor of the incident
- Insomnia
- Recurrent memories, or flashbacks of the trauma
- Irritability
- Difficulty concentrating or focusing
- Feeling numb
- Hyper-vigilance (feeling "on guard" all the time)
- Survivor guilt
- Lack of interest in family, friends or hobbies
Nightmares- Jumpiness (especially at loud or sudden noises)
Restlessness- They may also suffer from depression, blame themselves or become suicidal
- Overwhelming emotions
- Feelingas though they are "going crazy"
- Fear "something bad" will happen
- Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much
I was having panic attacks, I couldn't sleep at night, and if I slept at all, I had horrible nightmares. I was afraid to even go to the grocery store. I couldn't stop crying. I avoided everybody and literally became a prisoner in my own home. Everything triggered extreme reactions. Violent News Stories would cause panic attacks. TV Shows with happy endings would leave me sobbing uncontrollably because I was so afraid of how "my story" might end. I made an appointment with the best therapist in town. I knew therapy wouldn't be cheap, but I also knew I didn't have much choice. My life was at a standstill. I was practically agoraphobic. I knew I needed to work on every aspect of my life.
Dr. Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. wrote in The Betrayal Bond - Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships ... Betrayal can bring forth every issue, secret and unfinished business a person has, all of which are important ... To cope with your abuse, you may have minimized the impact the abuse had on your life. Now is the time to recognize the abuse for what it was. Know that it was not your fault, and recognize you're powerlessness over it.
Dr. Carnes is right ... Every issue, secret and unfinished business ... I had ever tucked away landed squarely at my doorstep, demanding to be dealtwith. I was surprised at the amount and degree of thoughts and feelings that were there!
During that time, somebody gave me a pamphlet produced by the South Carolina Department of Public Safety:
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
- Give yourself time to heal.
- You have experienced a trauma; It takes time to return to a pre-trauma level of functioning.
- You may experience a setback. Remember that you have been through an experience that your mind is struggling to understand. It is common for people to make progress and then feel they have taken several steps back. You may continue to gain ground.
- You are still capable of doing all the things you did before you were assaulted. It may feel impossible, but you will succeed!
- You are not to blame for the assault. Your attacker chose to hurt you; you did not ask to be hurt.
- Eat healthy foods.
- Get plenty of rest.
- Set limits.
- Spend time with people who are supportive and understanding.
- Take care of medical symptoms.
- Journal.
- Give yourself permission to grieve.
- Sexual Assault Advocate.
- Support Group for Survivors.
- Counselor.
- Family Member.
- Friend.
- Physician.
- Religious or Spiritual Leader.
You are not to blame.
You will heal and move past this moment.
I had a lot of questions ... more questions than answers ... but eventually, things sort themselves out. Abusers keep us "hooked into their world" by distracting us, creating confusion and distorting our reality, turning our world upside down. Just like one of those wild rides at the fair, even when we are firmly planted back on solid ground, it takes a minute for the world to stop spinning. While you're getting your bearings, you might want to ask yourself these questions:
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What are the feelings that you associate with the word trauma?
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What are the feelings that cause intense fear for you?
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Have you felt totally helpless? When?
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Have you ever felt out of control?
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Have you ever felt in danger of complete distruction?
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How have you handled those feelings before?
I included that last question on purpose. I wanted you to remember that you already have some coping skills. You found ways to survive the abuse. That took strength! That's right. You might not feel very strong right now, but there is a will to survive in all of us. You have that or you wouldn't still be here!
You might want to start by making things safer for you (and your children, if you have children)? There are a lot of things you can do. You might not be able to do all this in one day, but you can start with the most important things first ...
Your Safety Plan
Making your home safer after your abuser leaves:
- Change the locks on your doors and windows.
- Install an alarm system.
- Add window bars.
- Install smoke detectors and fire extinguishers.
- Put up motion detector lights outside.
- If you feel comfortable, tell your boss and co-workers. Your office may set up a safety policy.
- Post your protection order.
- Tell your co-workers to call the police if they see your batterer at the workplace.
- Show them his picture.
- Ask co-workers not to tell where you are if anyone they don't know comes to the workplace or calls.
- Ask someone to screen your calls.
- Keep your office locked if you can.
- Plan an escape route if your partner comes to work.
- Work when other people are there, never alone.
- Vary your route and the times you go to work.
- Vary or change any routine your partner may be familiar with.
- Change grocery stores, banks (or the branch you normally go to) and day cares.
- Go out during the busiest times.
- Have people you trust walk you to and from your car.
- Take someone with you.
- Carry a whistle.
- Take a self defense class.
- Program the police, help line or friend on your cell phone.
- Keep your cell phone with you at all times.
WASTE OFTIME THINGS ARE ...
... trying to "reason with your bad guy" ... Whybother? He wasn't honest and caring when he "loved" you. Do you really think he cares what you think or feel now that you are out from under his control? How can you appeal to his conscience if he doesn't have one?
... trying to call him. Calling him won't get you any answers. He isn't going to be kind!
... driving by his house to "check on him". In my case, "my bad guy" still has a house full of guns! I was never tempted to go anywhere near his house! He threatened me with a gun. I was lucky to ESCAPE ... I had no intention of tempting fate twice! Besides that ... what would I learn? If I had driven by his house and he was home ... What does that mean? If I had driven by his house and he was gone, what does that mean? If he has a visiting car in the driveway, what does that mean? It's all subject to whatever "translation" I come up with and without facts, I don't really know anything unless I decide to confront him and that would be a huge MISTAKE!!!
... talking to his friends or family. What's the point? Whose side do you think they are on? Even if they act like they are sympathetic, it's only an act. They are there to persuade you to do whatever he has asked them for help with or they are there to "gather information" for his next attack. I'm not saying they are heartless puppets who don't know the difference between right and wrong. BUT they have listened to "his version of the truth" a long time ... They want to believe he's a "good guy"... just a little misunderstood ... no one wants to admit their brother, son, cousin, uncle, friend is a bad guy because then they might have to do something about it and no one really wants to make him mad because they have ALL seen him mad before ...
... wishing it would all just go away. C'mon Gal. Things like abuse don't just go away. It happened. It was bad. We have to deal with it now.
... hoping things will be different! Do you really think you can go back to the way things were in the beginning? It's easy to get caught up in the way things used to be, but be honest with yourself. They haven't been that way in a long time, have they? If you got out in one piece, get down on your knees and THANK GOD that you were spared YEARS AND YEARS of heartache! God sure must LOVE you (and me) to spare us from that kind of hell!
... dreaming about when he'll come back! Say what?!!! HE AIN'T COMING BACK, GIRLFRIEND! HE WASN'T EVEN THERE WHEN HE WAS THERE! You were committed to a relationship. He wasn't. He doesn't deserve your undying loyalty any more then he deserved your love in the first place! Please know that any kindness you give him will be twisted and thrown back at you because that is what abusers do. They DO NOT KNOW any other way. Think that's sad? I do too, but I am not willing to throw my life away on it!
HEALTHY THINGS YOU CAN DO ARE ...
... praying!
... taking care of yourself. Exercise. Drink more water. Try to eat a more balanced diet. Dress up! Get your hair done! Do your nails! Soak in a hot tub with bubbles and candlelight and a hot cup of herbal tea.
... getting the support you need. Spend time with the family or friends that love you most. Tell them how you feel. Tell them the things he said to you so that they can help you laugh at "that stupid man" and affirm the wonderful person that they know you to be!!!
... reading books ... romantic books, textbooks, self-help books, poetry, books about your interests, books about places you want to visit ... capture your own imagination. Teach yourself about all the things you dream about knowing. You can't help but grow!
... keeping a journal. Write about what you feel and think, even the things you are worried about. Write when good things happen. It will helpyou to get your feelings out now andit will help you later to look back at what you write today and see how far you have come.
... listening to music ... It soothes your heart, lifts your spirit and fills you with hope like nothing else can.
... trying new things. Do something that takes so much of your concentration that you don't have time to think about what "he" did, what he is doing now or what he will do ... there is really NOTHING you can do about that guy ... BUT there is EVERYTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT YOU!
... finding your favorite thing! My favorite thing is people. The more time I spend around people, the more I realize how much I have missed meeting new people. I have practically hidden from the world for the past three and a half years. It's as though I was under a wicked spell of control ... his control ... but the spell is broken and I"MMMMMMMM BACCCCCCCKKKKK!!!
... always remember that what happened to you is not your fault but recovering is your responsibility. If you don't take care of yourself, who will? If you don't take charge of your life, someone else will!
I don't know the things that you love, but find them. Take the time you need to remember what makes you happiest and DO IT! It will bring you JOY and that JOY chases away sorrow ...
JOY!!!
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