Have YoursELF A Merry Little Christmas

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This is fun!  Try It!

Spirit Of Christmas Past & Present At Healing Creek

This has been an odd holiday season.

Yesterday, it was in the 80s.  This morning, it's back in the low 40s.
The whole world is covered in the prettiest fog
this morning.

A few days ago, there was a 3.1 Earthquake
across some of Upstate South Carolina.
People felt the shake but no damages were reported.

Joey and I drove into the mountains last weekend
looking for inventory ideas for a new website
we are working on
and arrived in one town just as they were beginning
their Christmas Festival.

It was fun to see all the Christmas Decorations
and all the children dressed up for the holidays.
We had lunch in a restaurant
with the most amazing view of the mountains.

It felt like a date
with Joey and I sharing Christmas Memories
with each other
and laughing at each other's stories.

We held hands as we walked from shop to shop,
exchanging knowing glances and smiles
when we heard more than one child say,
"But Mom, don't you love me enough to buy me this?"
and the Moms had the same weary look
that I used to have when my kids said the same thing to us.

Here at home ...
we have loaded the deer feeders with corn and
all sorts of animals including deer have stopped by.

The deer are here in groups of three or four, even during the day.
There isn't as much food for them this year.
Between the corn in the feeders, the acorns and hickory nuts,
the salt blocks and the river, we almost have a smorgasbord for them.
I have had a chance to watch them move through the woods
several times.
They are much smaller than the deer in Minnesota.
Most of them are dark brown,
which blends so well with the woods,
it sometimes creates the illusion that they just disappear.
I usually hear them before I see them.
Friday night, Joey and I grilled salmon on the back porch
and three of them stood under the dogwood tree and
watched us grill out while they ate acorns.
Maybe, they are getting used to us?
We certainly are getting used to them!

Mama raccoon and her rowdy teenager have stopped coming around.
Two burlier raccoons came to the deck but
the runt of the family slapped them a few times
and when they heard us laughing, they ran off and never came back.
The littlest one still comes by every night at 8:00-8:30
and sometimes even seems to pause to peek in at the tv

... lol ...

 

I have two red tail hawks that have been hanging close to our yard.
Twice, while washing dishes and making coffee,
one of them has flown to a branch that overlooks our back deck
and looked right in my kitchen window.
It was almost like we were having a conversation
as he tilted his head and I tilted mine

... lol ...

We don't see many blue jays anymore but last week,
a blue jay landed on the railing and hopped up and down,
as if to scare away the cardinal.
The cardinal turned toward the blue jay, tilted his head to the side,
hopped up and down himself and the blue jay flew away
to a nearby tree, squawking and scolding the cardinal the whole time.
The cardinal turned his back on the jay and just kept eating.
Chickadees and goldfinches lined up around the cardinal
and there was harmony on the feeder that day.





I wish I could say the same for my family.
It's the holidays and the kids are fussing again.
I suppose they all have a lot to do and are feeling the holiday stress.
I try to stay out of their way, but it doesn't always work.
My oldest daughter gets bossy when she's under stress.
My second daughter doesn't take orders from anyone,
especially her older sister.
My third daughter lives too far away to get swept up in any of it and
my son could care less,
which ticks off the bossy one because it's hard to be bossy
when no one else is listening.

It's discouraging to me.  More and more, I wonder why
I even bother doing all the cleaning, decorating, shopping,
baking, and cooking
only to spend most of the holiday in the kitchen cooking and then,
cleaning up the dishes while they fuss in the other room?
Every holiday, I hope things will be different ...
But most of the time, they eat, open the gifts we gave them and
leave without even saying thank you.

Holidays were different when I was growing up ...

We spent Christmas Eve with my Dad's family.
My Grandma, Mom and Aunts all brought something for the meal.
The men played cards downstairs, but of course, stopped to eat.
After dinner, we exchanged gifts.
The kids went off to play.
The men went back to their cards and
the women went to clean up the kitchen,
only to fill the table up one more time with all sorts of desserts.

Our family went home and set out cookies and milk for Santa and
went to bed.
One year, my brother and I hid behind the couch to wait for Santa,
but we fell asleep and missed him ... lol ...
One year, we all had measles and
us kids couldn't even look at the tree lights ...
Another year, there was a storm and the power went out.
We stood out on the porch and looked at the white snowdrifts
with no other lights but the moon.
There was no sound at all.
It was the first time I had ever listened to silence that way.

Soon enough, dawn came and Christmas Morning exploded
in a flurry of gifts and cinnamon rolls and cocoa and warm flannel jammies.
Too soon, it was time for us to get dressed and ready for church. 

Some years, we went to the early morning service
at the country church where the service that was given all in Norwegian.
The church was heated with a great big pot bellied wood stove,
and Mom would let us wear our pajamas
under our coats, boots, mittens and scarves and
sometimes we all sat under quilts too.
The church was lit only by candles and
the choir handed out rolls and coffee or cocoa before the service started.
Us kids never understood much of the words but
my Grandparents and their friends cried
as they sang the old hymns in Norwegian.
The service ended just as the sun came up.
My dad and some of the other men went out a little early
to warm up the cars.
Mom would make sure each of us was wrapped up and
dad and mom would carry the younger ones out to the car,
but not before each of us kids were given a little brown bag of
hard candy, peanuts, chocolate drops and
an apple or an orange.

Us kids played most ofthe day.
Sometimes, Dad would take a nap in his chair.
Mom was in the kitchen getting food ready to take
to Christmas with Mom's family.
Mom was one of 11 kids so packing all of us
into my Grandparents house was managed chaos, at best.
We piled coats on my grandpa and grandma's bed and
laughed every year that the pile was going to touch the ceiling one day.
We exchanged gifts there too, but I don't remember a single gift.
What I do remember is the laughter.
There was tons of food but by then, us kids were really too excited to eat.
We played and talked and watched the grown-ups,
listening in on some of the conversations,
especially when someone whispered
... lol ...
and somewhere during the night,
Grandpa would walk around giving each of us a chocolate
from the biggest box of chocolates we had ever seen. 

Too soon, it was time to pile in the car and go home.
Most of the time, I had found a corner to curl up in
and fell asleep way before my folks were ready to go,
or I fell asleep on the way home and
Dad carried me and some of my other brothers and sisters
to our rooms
where mom would take off our coats and hats and mittens and shoes and let us sleep in the rest of our clothes.
She and Dad covered us girls up with extra quilts and
said prayers with whoever was still awake and then,
they would go in the boys room and do the same. 

The holidays were all about family.
They were a time to share laughter.
There was always a TON of food, no matter where we went.
I loved the Christmas Lights and candlelight and
the moonlight on the snow.
Today, remembering those Christmases
are a little like stepping into a Christmas card.
I wish my children had known those Christmases.
Even more,
I wish my children's children could know those Christmases ...


... because ...


I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Where the treetops glisten,
and children listen
To hear sleigh bells in the snow

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white ...

Thursday Thoughts = Laughing All The Way To Friday!!!

PONDERISMS   I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people  die of natural causes.   Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.   The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.   Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?   Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.   In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?   Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"   Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."   Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?   Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?   Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? QUESTION: How many women with PMS / MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb? WOMAN'S ANSWER: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And ...  once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL!!   I'm sorry. What was the question?   My greatest fear is that there is no such thing as PMS or MENOPAUSE and THIS is my REAL personality!!!

FYI ... Thinking of YOU !!!

P.S.  Sometimes, there is SO MUCH happening,

there isn't time to stop ...
But BUSY is a very good thing!



LIFE IS GOOD !!!

I'll catch up with all ya'll soon ... Promise!

I miss you y'all!

Free Hugggggggggggz

YOU ARE WHAT YOU REPEATEDLY DO The beginning of a habit is like an invisible thread. Every time you repeat the act you strengthen the strand. You add to it another filament with each repetition, until it becomes a great cable and binds you irrevocably to each thought and act. First you make your habits and then they make you. Your thoughts lead you to your purpose. Your purpose always manifests into action. Your actions form your habits. Your habits determine your character, and your character fixes your destiny. Your habits are either the best of servants or the worst of masters. Inspiring Story! Free Hugs Campaign (Music by Sick Puppies) Add to My Profile | More Videos Sometimes, a hug is all what we need. Free hugs is a real life controversial story of Juan Mann, A man who’s sole mission was to reach out and hug a stranger to brighten up their lives..... what we then witness can only be described as awe inspiring.

Tags: Free Hugs

Carolina Blue Skies Are A Sure Sign Of Fall

Life is good on the Creek ...

I haven't written in a few days.  There has been too much going on for me to sit at this desk for very long!

I have so much extra energy when the seasons change!

I have once again ... purged my closets and cupboards ... with the goal being to only keep the things I love and eliminate the rest.  It has become a game ... lol ... The more I give away and sell, the more comes back to me ... 

I want to have room in my closets and cupboards and drawers to BREATH! 

My plan was that if I haven't worn it in two years, no matter how much I love it or think I might need it one day, someone else might need it RIGHT NOW so I had three piles ...

1.     Keep.
2.     Take to resale shop.
3.     Donate.
4.     Toss it OUT.

I took a car load of stuff to resale, two carloads to donate and another carload to the recycle place and still my closets are full ... I might have to go through again!

I grew up in the North so I have LOTS of jackets and sweaters.  I have jackets in almost every color but with global warming, how many do I really NEED?  Meanwhile, there are people who don't have even one coat ... so close to the holidays, I'm going to give some of my coats to some of the older ladies I know who are always cold ... because one day, I'll be old too, and if I give now, I'll have to trust that there'll be someone for me then.

I have three drawers and two jewelry boxes FULL of a lifetime of jewelry.  I only wear about a dozen things ... so do I really need all those other things?  I've decided NO.  I also make jewelry!  Once I make sure the new designs are sturdy enough to last, I am going to sell some and donate some.  It's nice to bring a smile to someone and give them something that makes them feel pretty.
   
I went through my books and kept the ones I really LOVE, whether they were self-help or novels and put them back on the shelves.  I took the rest to a local library, where they will either enter them into stock or resell to raise money for the library.

I went through my kitchen, china cabinets, curio cabinet, storage closets and did the same thing ... again ... FOUR piles ...

1.     KEEP ONLY IF I LOVE IT.

2.     Sell it on EBay only if it is in Good-Excellent condition.  I have a lot of things that someone else might like ... or it appears they like it, from the number of watchers and bidders.
3.     Donate.  Habitat For Humanity has a household store here that can always use house ware things.  There are also group homes here where they can use towels, blankets, plastic dishes, non breakable decorative items and pictures, as long as the glass is removed.
4.     Toss It Out.

I went through my files and filled a box of papers and "stuff" that I just don't need anymore.  I took the old stuff to work and shredded it.

I had two shelves of old magazines.  I went through magazines, saving articles I really liked, but nothing that I couldn't get on the Internet.  I now have a notebook of decorating ideas, gardening ideas, recipes and self improvement ideas, all in one place.  Four neat notebooks instead of two shelves of magazines I never looked at.

I love cards and stationary, but I had so much tucked here and there that I never used it.  Now, I have all the cards in one file box, separated by birthdays, anniversaries, thank you, sympathy, get well, congratulations, etc.  I am not buying one new card until I use all of these! AND I am actually using them!  I used up all my Christmas cards last year.  This year, I will buy what I need and not "stock up on cards"!  Why buy now for next year, when next year, there might be something better?

As you see, the list of organizational possibilities are endless and I seem to be motivated to move this mountain, so here I go!

But while I am rummaging through my own stuff, I have taken time to notice that ...

... the sky was the prettiest shade of porcelain blue tonight ...

... that magnolia leaves look silver in the setting sun ...

... that deer can blend into the woods so well, I can walk within six feet of them before they bolt ... and their sudden movement tested my heart.  The deer and my heart are good!

... that as much as I really don't like the varmints, the new mama and baby raccoons like us and there is something magical about holding a piece of fruit above their heads and them reaching up to take it from us.  I am not brave or foolish enough to go outside by them, but I will hold it out the window and was close enough to hear them click and cluck at each other.

... with a little bit of water, this year's flowers have stood up to the heat better than all the rest.  I finally planted at the right time, picked the right plants and flowers to withstand the heat and drought, and got the tomato plants to produce more than any other year.  I'm no where near being a Master Gardener, but I am mastering my little corner of the world and that is enough for me. 



EXTRA SPECIAL NEWS!!!
All four of my grandchildren will be in this area!!!

My second daughter and her family are moving back to South Carolina so I might not be a regular here for a while, helping her to settle in ...

Writing has become a habit so I won't be too far away.  I was telling my story and I want to get back to talking about some of that.  I still have the best part to tell!

 

... but until then ...

Love and Light from Healing Creek,

Taylor

P.S.
This proves that I can photograph hummingbirds.
Now, I have to get good at it!

Tags: Carolina, Blue Skies, Getting Organized

Toto, I Don't Think We Are In Kansas Anymore!

Unusual Traffic Stop

By Mike Belt, The Lawrence-Journal World
September 1, 2007

LAWRENCE, Kan. — Laura West claims the Kansas Highway Patrol trooper who stopped her “vessel” on the night of June 11 west of Lawrence had no right to arrest her.

She’s never had a driver’s license and doesn't need one, West said as she represented herself Friday in Douglas County District Court.

“I was not operating a vehicle; I was exercising my right to travel,” West, 21, told Judge Robert Fairchild. “I was in a private vessel on a religious mission.”

West also said her vessel is her private dwelling.

West is charged with not having a driver’s license, improper vehicle registration, failure to dim headlights and obstructing the legal process, all misdemeanors. West was arrested and taken to the Douglas County Jail after it took 45 minutes to get her to step out of the van she was driving, Trooper Brady Flannigan said.

West was traveling with her partner, J.M. Sovereign: Godsent, and her 2- year-old daughter. West and Godsent, who testified as her only witness, said they were afraid of the trooper and his supervisor, who was called to the scene of the car stop at U.S. Highway 40 and the South Lawrence Trafficway. They made calls to 911 and claimed West was being kidnapped as she was arrested.

The couple, who were on their way to visit a friend in Lawrence when they were stopped, recorded the encounter with the troopers and submitted a CD of the recording to the judge.

According to Godsent and information he presented to reporters outside court, the couple belong to a group that claims the U.S. is not a country but a foreign corporation that has invaded America. They are concerned about implanted identification chips and say sovereign Americans are being forced to choose between God’s law and man’s law.

Godsent said the trooper was presented with a card after he stopped them. The card was labeled “Sovereign Civilian Police Observation Task Force.” By the trooper accepting the card he was accepting a contract to pay a $15,000 gold fee for each question he asked. Godsent said they will take the matter to court to get paid.

Meanwhile, West, who is free on $1,500 bond, will return to court Oct. 1, when Fairchild will announce his verdicts in the case. If found guilty, West could face fines and jail sentences. Fairchild wanted to make a decision on the case next week, but West wasn't available then.



    


Truth REALLY is stranger than fiction!

T. G. I. Friday !!!

Good Stuff!

Did you know the human body is a machine that is full of wonder?

 

This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were ...

• Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.
  
• The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest
  is the male sperm.
  
• You use 200 muscles to take one step.
  
• The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
  
• Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.
  
• A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.
  
• A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
  
• The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.
  
• The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the
  Encyclopedia Britannica.
  
• It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your
  stomach.
  
• The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.
  
• Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of
  the liver than men with hair.
  
• At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single
  cell.
  
• There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
  
• Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon
  of water to a boil.
  
• The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.
  
• Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.
  
• When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do
  the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
  
• Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.
  
• Your thumb is the same length of your nose.
  (Now I KNOW you are placing your thumb on your NOSE, aren't you?)
  

Okay,  I'm going to go exercise 200 muscles by going for a walk and when I get back, I'm going to wash the one trillion bacteria off my feet because of the 250,000 sweat glands and then I am going to measure my thumb against my nose in the mirror!   LOLOL ... I am wondering WHERE do they get this stuff?!!!

 

JUST FOR FUN ...

 

Only Great Minds Can Read This ...
Or So They Say At
Cambridge University ...

          

Can you read this?

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs?
Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid,
aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are,
the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh?
yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!


Being curious, I am wondering ...

Could you read it?


          


Just getting warmed up for a LONG weekend!
Hope you all have a SAFE holiday!

When Spirits Grow Wings

Recovery is a roller coaster ride.

 

I can remember being hurt and afraid and totally out of control which was probably the scariest part.  I didn't feel like I was in control of that time and it was perfectly clear that I had never been in control of anything else either, even when I thought I had been.  I felt like the brakes weren't working, I was picking up speed and going downhill fast!  It was scary!

 

It wasn't a leap of faith in the beginning.  It was like being pushed off a high cliff.  BUT it wasn't a literal fall.  It was a spiritual fall ... and our spirits live under different rules ... Our spirits are more resilient than we know.  Our spirits can bounce.  Our spirits can even fly!

No matter what an abuser does to our body ... No matter what games he play with our minds - even if he makes us feel as crazy as he is ...  No matter how he breaks our hearts ... NOTHING he did can destroy our Spirit.  Nothing.

Our spirit is attached to the divine.  Our spirit is breathed into us when we are born and it stays with us through life.  It belongs to us.  It is the very thing that helped us survive.  It is the quiet voice that talked us through whatever he dished out. 

It is the idea that comes to us in the middle of a runaway life and a free fall heart ... the idea that there just has to be something better.

If you have been abused or are being abused, you know exactly what I am describing ... you have had moments when you were rushing down the same slope and it was all you could do to hold on, free falling in the dark ...

You know my fear because you have felt it too. 

 

Survive.  Listen to your spirit.  There is more to life then that roller coaster ride.  You don't have to feel that kind of fear over and over again.  There is a way out.  You spirit already knows the way! 

 

Emerging from the shadows

Like a butterfly

Leaving the dark cocoon

to discover a new world

Full of flight and brightly colored flowers

Answered prayers

And

Realized Dreams

 

Did the butterfly know

That all that time in the dark ...

They were growing wings?

Did you know

That all the time you were in the dark ...

Your spirit was growing wings too?

 

Life did not end for us

When we were hurt.

That's when our new lives began!

That's where we found

A deeper hope,

A stronger faith,

And a kinder way to lead a more

Compassionate life.

 

The pretty little butterfly

Has a message for us all ...
Don't be afraid of the dark

When the dark comes.

That's the place

Where

Spirits grow wings.

  

Tags: healing, recovery, spirit

Gathering Myself

I was moving some books when a note fell to the floor ... Over the past few years, I have "found" old letters and notes ... tucked in a book or a folder where I left them.  I thought I had burned all those cards and letters.  I take their appearance as an opportunity for me to look back at where I was and gain even more perspective.  Most of the time, they just confirm that I have been on this road longer than I thought ... 

This was a note I had written to Aydan early in the relationship and way before he threatened me with a gun:



Hello Aydan,

This is important to me, and if it matters to me, it should matter to you.

You called me a WHORE once and I told you that it hurt.  You apologized, and the next time you needed a "handy weapon" in an argument, you pulled out that word again.  When I told you again that it hurt me, your only comment was to say, "Good, if it woke you up!"  It was a mistake for you to ever call me that in the first place, but everyone can make mistakes.  It was intentional the second time.  You knew it would hurt.  You did it anyway, and when confronted, you showed NO REMORSE!

I'm mad at you!

Your refusal to acknowledge you hurt me only means you'll hurt me again, if you think I needed another "wake-up" call!

My wake-up call is ... no matter what I like about you, you're still a JERK!  You called it honesty!  The only problem with that kind of "honesty" is I didn't grow up communicating that way and it hurts me deeply.

I'm not a whore.  I'm better than that.  AND I can do better than you!

So yeah ... you woke me up!  You reminded me that no one has a good excuse to be bad ... that I came looking for someone who could care about me and express himself ... You expressed yourself, but I don't like the way you CHOSE to express yourself with me!

I'm not a whore.  I'm better than that.  AND I can do better than you!

I'm sticking up for myself, because if I don't, who will?

 

I'm not a whore.  I'm better than that. 
AND I can do better than you!




When I started writing here, I thought all I had to do was tell people what I did and how I did it and they would follow me out of the dark ... That wasn't very realistic.  It ignores my own truth ...

• I was reading and had access to good information when I was being abused or I would not have found this note in that book.
  
• I seemed to have had my head on straight about some things.
  
• In spite of good information and a pretty good head on my shoulders, I decided to stay in an abusive relationship for almost two more years.

I was angry with myself for not seeing the truth sooner, but apparently I did see the truth and I chose to stay anyway!  I did what I did.  I knew Aydan would, or at least could, hurt me again and I stayed anyway!  I never trusted him and I stayed anyway!  I didn't introduce him to many people because I was always afraid he'd be a JERK!  He had already proven it to me.  I stayed anyway!  

I forgave myself for staying.  I forgave Aydan for being a JERK. 
I ACCEPTED that everything that happened ... happened for a reason. 

The truth alone wasn't enough to keep me away.  There had been warning signs.  I ignored them.  Things NEVER got better ... They only got worse and worse until it was time to GET AWAY!

I did get away!  All that good information finally left my head and took root in my heart where it became the foundation of my recovery!

I have a friend who took antibiotics BEFORE a surgery so that her healing would be faster and more complete.  All the things I have read before and during the "amputation of Aydan from my life" worked like antibiotics in my healing!  Even in the midst of all that chaos, there were some things already in place ...   

That note fell out of a book by Dr. Phil, who said:


FACT: Everyone of us, you included, has within us everything we will ever need to be, do, and have anything and everything we will ever want and need.

FACT: Your authentic self is there, it has always been there, and it is fully accessible to you.  You are not the exception to this fact.  There are no exceptions.

FACT: The self that now runs your life didn't just happen. 

FACT: Your fictional self is the source of wrong identity and wrong information.

FACT: Your life is not a dress rehearsal.

               (the facts are from SELF MATTERS by Dr. Phillip C. McGraw)


I wrote that letter in response to something Aydan had done years ago.  But, I tucked it into a book I was reading at the time ... only to find it years later in the same book ... where it illustrated EXACTLY that everyone of us already has everything we need.  How many times have I said during recovery, "If I don't stick up for myself, who will?"  It almost makes me laugh to think that Aydan was actually the first person I said that to!  I may not have been in touch with my authentic self all the time, but I see shades of her in that letter!  Instead of being angry that I didn't do this or didn't do that, I am thankful that my authentic self has always been here ...


FACT: Your authentic self is there, it has always been there, and it is fully accessible to you.  You are not the exception to this fact.  There are no exceptions.

Finding Healing In Lost Journal

Last week, I wrote about a sad chapter in my life.  I'd like to tell you "the rest of the story" because my story got better!

I don't remember much of the first few months after the gun.  I hid.  I stayed with friends, slept in recliners and sofas, even bathtubs, so I wouldn't have to go home because I was terrified that Aydan would come there.  When I try to remember that month, it is always a blur.  I hid.  I remember HURTING all over.  My muscles stayed tight and sore.  I felt sick at my stomach.  I didn't sleep and when I did sleep, I had nightmares.  I hid.  I was afraid to even go to the grocery store.  Public places scared me.  Loud noises freaked me out.  I locked and re-locked the doors and windows.  I'd go for walks in the middle of the night when everyone else was asleep and I cried.  I cried a lot.

It felt like I spent a lot of time talking to law enforcement and lawyers.  I hated being called a victim.  I had no problem answering their questions.  It was my own questions that I couldn't answer.
 
I had started seeing a therapist and he suggested I write a journal.  

Last weekend, I found that first journal ... As I read through the entries back then, I smiled, thinking about the women who have written me and said, "I am happy for you but I am not as strong as you.  I will never be able to get to where you are."  If they could have only seen me when I wrote this ... lol ... I felt exactly the same way they did.

Back then, I couldn't have told you how I got where or I did or what I needed to do to stay safe, because I lived most days, one day at a time. 

Maybe, if I talk about what I felt back then, it might make it easier for you to talk about what you are feeling too?  Maybe, if you read about some of the things I felt, it will help you understand your sister, daughter, neighbor, friend who is in the middle of that dark place? 




I am understanding things a little more.  I need to let go of Aydan for good this time.  Holding unto him, or even the idea of him, hurts.  This isn't love.  This hasn't been love in a long time.  Maybe, this never was?  I can't do anything about the past.  It's over.  There is nothing to work on.  I need to work on the only thing I can do anything about ... me!

I read a book today that talked about pleasers.  It said,

"Pleasers let people run over them, rarely stand up for themselves, have a low self-esteem and are a sucker for the misunderstood controllers that will play them like a Stradivarius.  He will know what buttons to push and how to manipulate their emotions ... They let other people run their life, and whenever anything goes wrong, they readily take the blame even when it is not their fault.  They can't bear to disappoint anyone which makes them miserable."

It is weird to see my whole life defined in one easy paragraph, and weirder still to know that other people have felt the same way that I do or there wouldn't be a book about it!




I have been reading about co-dependency.  I can see that I have been co-dependent ... in my thinking and my choices.  Maybe, I don't just need to recover from this one bad relationship?  Maybe, I have to recover from a whole lifetime of bad choices ... because they all brought me to this place?




Today, I worked on a list of things I will not do:

• I will not automatically say yes to every request.  I will take time to decide if it's something I really want to do.
• I will not respond to flattery or criticism.  I will recognize that either is more about the other person than it is about me.
• I will not waste anymore time seeking approval from other people.  I have to be who I am because there is only one me.
• I will not waste anymore time trying to help/fix/change other people.  They have to walk their own road and learn their own lessons. 
• I will not engage in rescuing "lost souls", but encourage them to be the heroes in their own lives.
• I will not give in to guilt trips from myself or anyone else!
• I will not be afraid to confront exploitative behaviors against me or my loved ones.
• I will not stop learning from the people I meet, the things I do or the places I go.  Everything can be an opportunity to learn something new. 
• I will not try to run away from my own pain by engaging in addictive behaviors.  There is no pill, no drink, no magic cure.  I can feel pain and be okay. 
• I will not give up.

I wrote a poem ...




Today was a good day.
I made myself think of something else

every time I thought of him.

I thought I saw him on the street.

My heart beat fast with fear
and then, my heart sank a little

when I realized it wasn't him.

It will NEVER be him again!

I loved him more after he left
Than I ever loved him
When he was here!

 

I missed him today,

But not as much as yesterday

and
Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

 

Maybe,

another strategy,

another coping skill,

another way to take care of me?

 

Because ... Thank God ...

It will NEVER be him again. 




I wrote another poem ...




I'm missing
a man

that never existed

 

a man

that he never was

a man
I imagined him to be

He was

like a child's imaginary friend
BUT

I am not a child

and

It's time to put away

childish things.

 

 

I have spent too much time feeling guilty about the way I left things with Aydan.  I always took "great pride" in leaving people better that when I found them.

HELLO !!! 
Aydan broken every heart he ever held, and then, found a way to blame it on the ones he hurt.
He doesn't expect anyone to care about him ... before, during or after the relationship because he knows who he really is!




I read a book, OBSESSIVE LOVE - WHEN IT HURTS TOO MUCH TO LET GO by Susan Forward, PhD. 
She described the cycle:
The more the woman reproaches herself, the less confidence she has.

The less confidence she has, the more powerless she feels.
The more powerless she feels, the more passive she becomes.
The more passive she becomes, the more she tolerates inappropriate behavior.
The more she tolerates inappropriate behavior, the more she reproaches herself ...
(and it starts all over again)

A coping skill that will work:
If I want to get over a heart breaking relationship, with as much speed and as little pain as possible, I need to do this - Every time he comes into my thoughts, I will pray as sincerely as I can for his highest good.  Amen.
God will take care of the rest.




Love is a good thing.  Good love involves exchanging respect, affection, time and support with someone special.  It feels good.  When rough spots develop, the two parties work them through.

The harsh truth is that there are those among us who don't love.  And when they pretend to, at our expense, it's painful to the rest of us.  They pretend to love because they know we'll love them back and they like the way it feels when we adore them and struggle to make a relationship with them work.  It makes them feel special.

One day, we look up and realize we're the ones putting in all the respect, affection, time and support while they take it as well-deserved worship and hold out their hands for more.

In rough spots, good people look toward the goal of working it out and growing in understanding.  People like Aydan would rather dump the relationship and start fresh with someone else (who he will eventually dump too).

Women only exist for men like that to reassure him that he's as perfect as he wants to be.  If a woman finds something imperfect and says so, then she isn't doing her "job" and she may need to be replaced by someone a little weaker and a little more troubled because healthy women defend themselves and he would hate that!

Women can expect punishment, threats of abandonment, accusations and contempt because that is what he does.  My experience was to expect ...

• wild chaos
• mind games
• increasing demands 
• conflicts
• unpredictable moods
• punishment
• emotional abuse 
• insults
• devaluation
• blaming
• excuses 
• criticism
• sadistic put downs
• rage
• obscenity
• name calling
• cliche insults
• selfish behavior
• temper tantrums
• childish reactions 
• cold indifference
• physical abuse

... and every one of those behaviors are the "products of a disordered personality"!




He always said he was "just being honest",

but honesty isn't a virtue if it's cruel. 

It's just cruelty.




Every time he criticized me ... Every time he called me a name ...

he was screaming his own truth at the top of his lungs. 

Every single thing he said about me turned out to be true about him!




I am disconnected from him.
I don't want to talk to Aydan.
I don't want to see him.
I wouldn't dare go anywhere near his house!  He still has guns!
I want to stay disconnected. 
I think it will be interesting to wait and see what Aydan will do.
I will learn a great deal aboutwhat kind of a man he really is by what he chooses to do on his own.

I like being disconnected.




No matter what Aydan does or what he says,
I will choose DIGNITY.
He never knew how classy I can be but he is about to find out.




The gun was a mistake.
Aydan's actions since then have been
weak and fearful

unintelligent

unkind

unwilling to learn from his mistakes

prideful

vengeful

harsh and hateful

My reactions had to be different.
When he lost control,
I was forced to act calm.

When he challenged and threatened me,

I was forced to stand up for what I believe in even if it cost me my life.
From that moment, I have ...

searched for answers

looked for meaning in what happened

mourned

took responsibility for my part in what happened
forgave him and myself

held him accountable for his bad behavior
grew stronger
out grew him




People either will love me or they won't.
It doesn't matter how much I value them
if they don't value me too.
No matter what I said or did,

nothing was ever good enough.
It wasn't then.  It wouldn't be now.  It never will be.
Accept it.
Forgive it.

Let it go.

Move on.

Someone wants me just the way I am ...
or
They will need the woman I am becoming.
I will keep learning.
I will keep growing.
All of this has happened for a reason.
God is using the good and the bad to bring me

exactly to where He needs me to be.




Today ... 

I firmly place the future of this situation in the hands of the

One who was always in control anyway. 

Thank you Lord, for your continued protection and guidance. 

Thank you for surrounding me with peace until I am calm enough to feel it. 

Thank you for healing the hurt and pain that laid so heavily on my heart.

Thank you for the things you are teaching me each and every day.
Thank you for loving me and teaching me to love me too.
Amen.
 

 

I am glad my story didn't end.  I am glad that I woke up to myself and the world around me.  I am grateful for the lessons I learned and the path I have walked since then.  I am not the same woman I was.  I am better! 

I did have a few advantages.  I never lived with Aydan.  I was not financially dependent on him.  He didn't have any influence on my friends or family.  He couldn't threaten my children, although he tried to control me in all those ways.

Every woman has different things to consider. 

I know one woman whose husband took the phone with him to work and disabled her car so that she could not leave the house during the day.  She was literally a prisoner.  Planning her escape was like planning a jail break!  But she did break "out of jail" and she found more strength every time she did something on her own.  She said she didn't know where she got the strength or how she even thought of some of the things she thought of, but she did!

I know another woman who had NO MONEY.  She told me that she literally saved a dollar here and a dollar there until she had enough money to get away and start a new life.  I wish I could have photographed her face as she told me her story.  Her eyes sparkled when she described finding hope.  Her face was the face of courage and peace.

My biggest hurdle was that I didn't want other people to know, but since I had no control over other people finding out, I decided to be completely open about what happened to me.  I spoke to my friends and family first.  Do you know what happened?!!!  Most of them had thought something was wrong and they were relieved to know the truth.  They were supportive and caring.  They never thought I was nearly as perfect as I thought I had to be!  They took care of me, which was a new thing for me.  I always thought it was MY JOB to take care of everybody else!  Being vulnerable with the people that I love and who love me gave them permission to be vulnerable with me too!  I had some of the neatest conversations of my life with people I thought I already knew.  It turns out that not only had I not known myself, but I had no idea how wonderful my friends and family are!

I love hearing stories about survivors.  Each one of us is a celebration of life!  We are miracles.  We are our own happy endings.  We are our own heroes.

You can be your own hero too!

Tags: Healing, Journal, Poetry, Recovery, Abuse, Domestic Violence

Remembering Sidewinder

 

 

 

 

Loss ...

 

 

Four years ago, I used to get on the computer
and go into the only nice chat room on aol.
I didn't talk much.
I was too scared of attracting attention.
I wanted to be close to people but not too close
so I sat quietly in front of the computer screen
and
watched new friends meet and old friends chat.

 

 

Sometimes, someone would come in the room and be a jerk
for no reason that I could see other then he was a jerk.
There was a guy in there named Sidewinder.
Side always knew what to say to put the bully in his place
and change the subject back
to what it had been
and lightened the mood of the chat room.

 

 

I never even talked to him but he always made me feel safe ...
When Side was there,
we all knew Side would take care of things.
This week, I heard that Sidewinder died.
I never even knew his real name
but I cried
the same as if he was family.

 

 

Maybe, Side knows what I never even said ...
that he touched my life
at a time
when I was too broken to even speak
just by being
the good man he was ...


Thank you, Sidewinder,
for being a good friend to many.

You will be missed.
 

 

Loss ...

Taking A Moment To Give Thanks

 

My healing and recovery started four years ago today!  And I do feel like celebrating!!!  In some ways, four years doesn't sound like a long time at all. For me, it feels like a lifetime has been earned!

When I talk about abusers and victims, it is mostly from my own experience, the books I have read and the work I have done.  This week, I found an old journal while looking for something else.  I started reading and realized, one more time, how much my thinking and my life has changed.

As I read through the entries back then, I smiled, thinking about the women who have written me and said, "I am happy for you but I am not as strong as you.  I will never be able to get to where you are."  If they could have only seen me when I wrote this ... lol ... I felt exactly the same way they did!  Even though victims experience a LOT of the same things, it was four years ago for me, and of course, I will sound strong ... NOW.

I thought it might be helpful to share some of that time ... I won't share everything.  Some days, I could barely write one sentence that made any sense.  It is taking me some time to type out those entries but I will.  Maybe, if I talk about what I felt back then, it might make it easier for others to talk about their feelings too?  Hope so.

While I'm doing that ... please allow me a few moments to feel thankful ...

Sometimes it's good to look at where we have been so we can see how far we have come!

I remember ...

• Wondering what happened
• Feeling hurt and confused
• Blaming myself 
• Walking on eggshells 
• Feeling nervous most of the time
• Making excuses for his bad moods
• Justifying his bad behavior 
• Appetite Loss 
• Not being able to sleep 
• Feeling afraid
• Pretending nothing was wrong
• Feeling Isolated 
• Feeling embarrassed 
• Being afraid to tell anyone
• Not thinking anyone would understand 
• Worrying about what people would think
• Thinking no one would understand
• Feeling trapped 

I remember ...

Do any of those things sound familiar to you?

Any similarity between my story and someone else's is actually one of the strange coincidences about abusers ... abusers seem to call us the same names ... treat us all in the same way ... play the same dirty tricks ... I think they are similar because, when each of them thinks of the worst thing they can do, they all scoop from the bottom of the same barrel. 

I served my time in hell.  I fought my way out.  I did the work.  I SURVIVED!  I got past the abuse by moving forward ... through the dark to the other side. 

I was blessed to have the support of really good people that believed in me.  One of the most supportive people then and now was Joey.  He never let me give up.  Choosing to walk with someone through such a dark place is a story in itself.  I am mentioning it now because neither of us would want anyone to think that Joey was the man who abused me!  When I decided to make my story public to reach more people, Joey and I talked about things that were important to us.  We agreed that what we both have learned could help other people who are still out there.  

I know you are out there.  I know you are scared.  I know you don't know what to do.  I know he tells you that you are no good.  He blames you ... saying that everything is all your fault.  I know that he keeps everything so confusing that sometimes you don't know which way is up.  I know it feels like being lost in the dark.

I don't have all the answers.  I'm just one woman ... who found a way out of that dark place.  I don't care what other people think!  I know some people won't understand.  I know some people don't want to believe abuse happens because they are still in denial ... Maybe, they were abused?  Maybe, they are abusing someone else?  Maybe, they have turned their back on a sister or a friend because the abuse was just too hard to watch?  How people react isn't always about me or you. 

I remember, in the beginning, I just wanted someone to hear me.

I hear you.  I believe you.

I'm sending help in the only way I know how.  I'm sending you the words that helped me heal.  I'm sending you the wisdom of people much smarter than me.  I'm not judging you or telling you what to do.  I'm sending you love and prayers and encouragement.  I want you to know ...  

There is a way out!

It doesn't matter how you got here.  It doesn't matter what your abuser says!  He is WRONG!  You are a good person.  You have a big heart and so much to give. You don't deserve the abuse!  It's not your fault!  Sweetie, it never was!  

We'll talk about how you can stop the abuse in your life and get your life back ... Until then, no matter what ...  

Take Care Of YOU!

Tags: abuse, healing, thankfulness, you are not alone, there is hope, lost in the dark

My Final Escape

In the past four years, I have read a lot of books that recommended a safety plan or an organized means of escape.  I do think it's good to have a plan, but sometimes, when your choice is to live or not live, there is nothing to do ... but RUN BABY RUN !!!


I drove out of Aydan's driveway so fast, I almost wrecked the car when I turned unto the main road.  I was crying so hard, I almost overshot the first stop sign and swerved off the road twice.

I kept going ... I was absolutely terrified.  I was afraid Aydan might follow me so I drove as fast as I could away from his house.  About 10 minutes down the road, my cell phone rang.  I nearly jumped out of my skin! 

I flipped the phone open and saw it was him.  I hesitated ... and realized if he was on the phone from his house, he couldn't follow me, so I took the call. I was crying so hard, I couldn't talk, and my ear was still ringing so I couldn't make sense out of anything he said. 

I took another turn too wide and skidded on the gravel shoulder.  My driving was all over the place!  I thought about my kids and the thought of them gave me a little bit of strength.  I needed to get it together.  I snapped the phone closed, tossed it on the passenger seat and put both hands on the wheel.  I needed to concentrate on the road.  I had driven this road a hundred times or more ... nothing new ... calm down ... I'm going to be okay ... calm down ... breath ... 

The phone rang again when I was on the Interstate.  I took the call.  It was Aydan again.  I listened to him and I cried.  I said, "I'm sorry I even came over there today.  I was worried about you.  I wanted to find some peace for both of us, but obviously, that isn't ever going to happen!" 

He said, "I want you.  I want us to get through this.  I know I have too much anger.  It scares me too.  I need to get my head together.  I love you, Taylor ..." 

I had been crying through most of the conversation, but him saying he loved me after what had just happened made no sense.  The idea of it pushed me back from the edge and I said, "Aydan, people don't hold guns on people they LOVE." 

The sentence hung there for a moment, suspended between the two of us.  It lasted only a few seconds, but I knew my heart had turned a corner.  I knew I would never go back and I knew my life depended on it.  

Aydan broke the silence, "I'm sorry, Taylor.  I'm sorry I hurt you.  You didn't deserve any of that.  I didn't mean any of those things.  They weren't true ..." 

It didn't matter what Aydan said.  His actions had already said it all.  I ended the conversation somewhere near my house.  I drove up to my house, parked there, and realized I was a "sitting duck" if Aydan decided to come over.  I started the car back up and drove around my neighborhood for hours, listening to music and replaying the night in my mind.  I wondered what would happen to me?  I wondered what I was supposed to do next?  At 3 or 4 in the morning, I was too tired to worry about much of anything anymore.  I drove by my house 3-4 times to make sure that no one was there and when I was pretty sure no one was, I drove up the driveway, parked the car, and let myself in the house.  I disarmed and armed the alarm system.  I was home.  I undressed in the dark.  I just wanted to go to bed and pull the covers over my head.  I'd worry about what to do tomorrow ... 

The next morning, I had an e-mail from Aydan:

"Nothing is right.  I am not happy.  You are not happy.  We both are too busy defying each other to appreciate each other.  I want things done without having to ask, and you do too.  I no longer trust you.  I no longer believe you.  I am sorry.  I can't see you this way.  Things that needed to happen didn't, and the things that shouldn't have happened did.  I am sorry.  It's all my fault.  Love, Aydan"

Later that day, I called an old friend of mine with the sheriff's office.  I told Sgt. B what had happened and asked him what I shoulddo?  What could I do to make myself safe?  He encouraged me to report Aydan. 

I said, "That will just make him more angry!"  

Sgt. B said, "Well, maybe so, but he might get more angry anyway and law enforcement can't protect you if they don't know what's going on.  Why didn't you go to the county last night?"  

"I was too scared.  This is embarrassing.  What will people think?  This kind of thing isn't supposed to happen to people like me!  I volunteer with victims.  I should be smarter than this.  I don't think I could stand to talk to some know-it-all rookie, fresh out of the academy, lecturing me about life!"

Sgt. B said, "Taylor, don't be so hard on yourself.  You would be surprised who this happens to.  It's more common than you think.  Just because you have worked around people who have been abused doesn't mean you are immune to being abused too.  It's wrong for anyone to threaten anybody with a gun.  That's why it's against the law!  WHO YOU ARE and what you do is even more reason to stand up for yourself.  You stand up for other victims.  Stand up for you.  We need you, Taylor, and we need to keep you safe ..."  Sgt. B was being so kind and I knew he was telling me the truth.  I did have to stick up for myself, no matter how embarrassing it was.  Sgt. B knew me well enough to know I agreed with him.  "Let me see who's at the desk and I'll call you back." 

I hung up the phone and held the phone in my lap, looking at it like it was supposed to tell me what to do.  If I reported this, everyone in town would know.  Embarrassing.  I sure wish there was another way.  The phone rang.  It was Sgt.  B.  "I talked to Jensen.  Jensen is a good guy.  I told him you were a good friend of mine and asked him to take care of you.  Take a girlfriend with you if it helps, but go in, okay?" 

"Okay ... Let me make some calls.  I'll go in."

I called a couple of friends.  I would stay with a friend that night.  I called another girlfriend to go with me to the station.  I packed some clothes ... some toiletries ... How hard could it be?  I couldn't do even the simplest task!  I must have packed and repacked 3 or 4 times ... I loaded the car, got my dog and headed out to a friend's, thinking that Aydan would be getting off work soon and I needed to be somewhere else before he got off work.  

I met my friend at the police station.  I had been there a lot of times with other victims, but that was the first time as a victim.  It was different from the victim's side ... I filed the initial report.  They took pictures. 

Jensen went out to Aydan's house himself.  Aydan was arrested and charged with assault and battery of a high and aggravated nature.  Jensen called me after the arrest to tell me that Aydan had been arrested, "We took him to the jail a little bit ago.  You did the right thing.  When I asked him if he had any idea why you were so scared, Aydan said, 'Well, I probably scared her when I waved that loaded gun around.  I'm going to speak to the judge before I leave and make sure that he knows the whole story.  Don't worry.  We'll take care of you."  



I smiled.  Sgt. B had said Jensen was a good guy.  Jensen didn't have to call me and he didn't have to stay and talk to the judge, but Sgt. B had asked him to take care of me.  I felt relieved.  I went to sleep.  When they gave Aydan his one free phone call, he called my house! 

The message on the machine was:  "Hey, I'm at the jailhouse ... it's um ... (directions) ... and I'm going to need some help getting out ... so ... Maybe I can contribute something to charity later if you get me out?  I appreciate it.  It's three in the morning ... uh ... I'll be processed within the hour (long pause) This is my only phone call.  Thank you."

Did he really think the person who had him arrested would come and bail him out?  Does that make any sense?  It didn't to me, but apparently, lots of women report their boyfriends, husbands or partners and a few hours later, they are exactly the same ones to go pick them up ... not me!  I didn't want Aydan to go to jail, but I was too afraid to go anywhere near him.    

Aydan was ordered not to talk to me, AS IF acourt order would stop him from doing what he wanted to do!  He had two of his friends call me. 

They told me Aydan was beside himself with grief ... that he wanted all of this to be over so he and I could get married! 

What a lie!  I asked them WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 

Give me a break.  A week before, Aydan had said he hated me and wished I was dead and now, he's telling his boss and his friends that he thought I was "the one" and he wanted us to "work everything out"?!!!  I've had some bizarre proposals and propositions before, but that one took the cake! 

I told them there wasn't anything I could do about a felony charge between the state and Aydan, and even if there was something I could do, I'm not sure I would.  I told them I wasn't the first woman Aydan had abused, but maybe, this would cause him to get some help and I might be the last?

I didn't pay too much attention to what any of his friends said.  I didn't give too many details to my friends.  It was hard to talk about. 

It was hard to wrap my brain around the idea of anyone pointing a gun at anyone else, especially someone they knew and claimed to love!  I had grown up with guns my whole life.  The first rule was to NEVER even point a gun at someone else.  I called my Dad and asked him what would happen if someone shot a watermelon (my head) from 8 feet with a shotgun?  Of course, I hadn't told Dad the whole story so he would have no way of knowing how much it scared me when he said, "What watermelon?" 

I kept asking myself over and over again ... WHY?

 

THE BIG WHY???

Why did he think he needed a gun?
Is he hurting too?  Is he sorry?  Does it matter?
Would it change anything?
  

THE ANSWER

What we are meant to know
will be revealed to us
without any effort on our part.
We will know what we need to know
when it's the right time,
when we are strong enough
and usually
when the answer can't hurt us anymore.

 

Now, I know that Aydan went to get the gun because nothing else he did was getting my attention.  He was losing control over me and that IS a crime punishable by death, in his mind.  He considered me HIS property.  How dare I abandon him!  Who did I think I was? 

In fact, shades of those feelings show in HIS description of that night.  He glosses over screaming at me, hitting me, holding the gun to my throat and threatening my life by saying that "he came into the room and handed me the gun and told me to shoot him or leave.  I chose to leave!"  What a JOKE!

Does Aydan know that what he did was wrong?   Yes.

Will he ever admit it to anyone else?   No.

Was he ever going to kill himself?   No.  He loves HIMSELF too much. 

Is he sorry?   NO.  He probably still thinks he sure showed me!

Did he "just lose control"?   NO.  He never let go of the gun once, and was in control enough to caution me that I could accidentally fire the gun and shoot a neighbor. 

Did he black out, as his friend suggested?   NO.  At no time did he lose consciousness. 

Were his actions calculated and planned?   MAYBE.  I didn't think so, but I read something much later that has caused me to wonder:

Typically, the abuser makes a choice about his/her violence before the incident ... choosing the place and time, deciding what fight to pick, how and which part of the body to hit.
 
Could that be true?   Maybe.  Aydan had threatened "to shoot me if I ever ... (pick something ... it changed daily) ..." way before he walked in the room with the gun.  I never took it seriously.  Only a week before, he had described the way he would like to kill Joey, down to the gun he'd use and where he'd park.  Who could be serious about a thing like that?  At least, that's what I told myself back then.  Since then, I have learned that Aydan has threatened other women with guns before ...

Maybe, he was more calculating than I thought?

I don't think I will ever know the whole truth about that night.  After all this time, it doesn't really matter.  Maybe, the answer is just ... Snakes strike.  Mean dogs bite.  Abusers abuse.

Aydan is what he is.  He never understood what the big deal was?  But ...

A game of cat and mouse
is much different
for the cat than it is for the mouse!

I learned something that most policemen, lawyers and judges already know.  Abusers and most other criminals never think they did anything wrong!  Let me give you an example:  If you have been abused ... Did you ever call 911 when things got too crazy?  Did you ever notice how calm he got as soon as the police got there?  Did you notice that no matter how bad it was, it only took him seconds to recover and blame the whole thing on you?

Aydan did blame everything on me ... and lack of sleep ... and drinking too much ... and any other excuse that popped into his head.  No one, even his closest friends, believed him.  Behind his back, they told me he was a hothead, a coward, a nut.  My friends agreed.  They were all right.

It wasn't my fault!

If you are being abused, it's not your fault either.  I know he tells you that no one will believe you, but that's not true.  Everyone already knows the TRUTH.


(to be continued)

Tags: abuse, domestic-violence, escape, run-baby-run, helaing, recovery, court, police-can-protect-you