Taking A Moment To Give Thanks

 

My healing and recovery started four years ago today!  And I do feel like celebrating!!!  In some ways, four years doesn't sound like a long time at all. For me, it feels like a lifetime has been earned!

When I talk about abusers and victims, it is mostly from my own experience, the books I have read and the work I have done.  This week, I found an old journal while looking for something else.  I started reading and realized, one more time, how much my thinking and my life has changed.

As I read through the entries back then, I smiled, thinking about the women who have written me and said, "I am happy for you but I am not as strong as you.  I will never be able to get to where you are."  If they could have only seen me when I wrote this ... lol ... I felt exactly the same way they did!  Even though victims experience a LOT of the same things, it was four years ago for me, and of course, I will sound strong ... NOW.

I thought it might be helpful to share some of that time ... I won't share everything.  Some days, I could barely write one sentence that made any sense.  It is taking me some time to type out those entries but I will.  Maybe, if I talk about what I felt back then, it might make it easier for others to talk about their feelings too?  Hope so.

While I'm doing that ... please allow me a few moments to feel thankful ...

Sometimes it's good to look at where we have been so we can see how far we have come!

I remember ...

• Wondering what happened
• Feeling hurt and confused
• Blaming myself 
• Walking on eggshells 
• Feeling nervous most of the time
• Making excuses for his bad moods
• Justifying his bad behavior 
• Appetite Loss 
• Not being able to sleep 
• Feeling afraid
• Pretending nothing was wrong
• Feeling Isolated 
• Feeling embarrassed 
• Being afraid to tell anyone
• Not thinking anyone would understand 
• Worrying about what people would think
• Thinking no one would understand
• Feeling trapped 

I remember ...

Do any of those things sound familiar to you?

Any similarity between my story and someone else's is actually one of the strange coincidences about abusers ... abusers seem to call us the same names ... treat us all in the same way ... play the same dirty tricks ... I think they are similar because, when each of them thinks of the worst thing they can do, they all scoop from the bottom of the same barrel. 

I served my time in hell.  I fought my way out.  I did the work.  I SURVIVED!  I got past the abuse by moving forward ... through the dark to the other side. 

I was blessed to have the support of really good people that believed in me.  One of the most supportive people then and now was Joey.  He never let me give up.  Choosing to walk with someone through such a dark place is a story in itself.  I am mentioning it now because neither of us would want anyone to think that Joey was the man who abused me!  When I decided to make my story public to reach more people, Joey and I talked about things that were important to us.  We agreed that what we both have learned could help other people who are still out there.  

I know you are out there.  I know you are scared.  I know you don't know what to do.  I know he tells you that you are no good.  He blames you ... saying that everything is all your fault.  I know that he keeps everything so confusing that sometimes you don't know which way is up.  I know it feels like being lost in the dark.

I don't have all the answers.  I'm just one woman ... who found a way out of that dark place.  I don't care what other people think!  I know some people won't understand.  I know some people don't want to believe abuse happens because they are still in denial ... Maybe, they were abused?  Maybe, they are abusing someone else?  Maybe, they have turned their back on a sister or a friend because the abuse was just too hard to watch?  How people react isn't always about me or you. 

I remember, in the beginning, I just wanted someone to hear me.

I hear you.  I believe you.

I'm sending help in the only way I know how.  I'm sending you the words that helped me heal.  I'm sending you the wisdom of people much smarter than me.  I'm not judging you or telling you what to do.  I'm sending you love and prayers and encouragement.  I want you to know ...  

There is a way out!

It doesn't matter how you got here.  It doesn't matter what your abuser says!  He is WRONG!  You are a good person.  You have a big heart and so much to give. You don't deserve the abuse!  It's not your fault!  Sweetie, it never was!  

We'll talk about how you can stop the abuse in your life and get your life back ... Until then, no matter what ...  

Take Care Of YOU!

Tags: abuse, healing, thankfulness, you are not alone, there is hope, lost in the dark