The Gift Of Survivorship

66% of all people
KILLED
by an intimate
partner are
SHOT by a GUN.

 

I said yesterday that there are some endings, so horrible, that they change us.  They change the way we live the rest of our lives and they change the way we look at the world and everyone in it.

I used to think I was bullet proof, that nothing bad could ever happen to ME.  I learned that in my darkest hour, God heard my prayer.  When my life became an answered prayer, I committed the rest of my time to reaching more victims, to plant seeds of hope, to loan them courage until they find their own strength. 

I didn't learn how to survive in a book or a classroom.  I fought my way out of that place, and along the way, I met other survivors.  Collectively, survivors have blazed a trail big enough for others to follow.  

Survivors aren't afraid to stand up and say publicly that we were abused, or that abuse is real and it is still happening.  Talking about it ... shedding light on why and how it happens ... only makes it easier for other victims to come forward.  Increased public awareness has lead to more reports, more arrests, more convictions and stiffer penalties.  Most abusers only change their behavior when they are faced with the possibility of punishment or public censure.

I have told my story to hundreds ... maybe, even thousands of women by now ... always in the hope that they will see or hear something ... and follow my lead by GETTING AWAY from the abuse, whatever that might mean for them.

I was mortified at being chased out of someone's life like a stray cat or dog.  I was embarrassed to tell anyone that someone like me had ended up with someone like him!  It was very humbling to admit I had made such a bad decision and such a poor choice. 

Everyone else in my life saw the truth long before I did, but it doesn't really matter anymore.  I am grateful that I saw the truth before the lies killed me!


REALITIES ABOUT ABUSERS  (the TRUTH)

• He is controlling.
• He feels entitled.
• He twists things into their opposites.
• He disrespects his partner and considers himself superior to her.
• He confuses love and abuse.
• He is manipulative.
• He strives to have a good public image.
• He feels justified.
• Abusers deny and minimize their abuse.
• Abusers are possessive.
  

Look at that list! 

 

Not exactly material for a personal ad or a profile on the Internet, and yet, abusers do describe those traits, disguised as something else, of course.  Abusers speak their own kind of code.  Here is how an abuser would describe those traits in a personal ad or an on-line profile:

controlling = he would say he is confident and in charge.

       Your girlfriend would say, "What is he in charge of?"

entitled = he would say he is looking forward to living the life he deserves in a personal ad.  Another phrase I have seen on profiles is, "looking for a good woman who will finally make me happy."  Aydan told me once that he was surprised that his friend gave his motorcycle to his father instead of Aydan. 

       Your girlfriend would say, "What has stopped him

       from living that life before now? 

       No other woman has ever made him happy and you

       are going to try? 

       Good luck with that! 

       Why would anyone give him a 10,000-dollar motorcycle?"

 

twists things to their opposites = he would call himself an original thinker, a maverick, or even a genius.
        Your girlfriend would say, "Why are you listening

        to this guy?"

 

disrespects partner and considers himself superior = he would see himself as having to teach, mentor or advise.  He would refer to himself as a prodigy, a scholar, an expert, or again, a genius.  He will be the hero in every story he tells you.  He will describe his exes as idiots, liars, cheaters, bitches or even whores, and when you are his ex, you will be those things too.
        Your girlfriend would say, "How could he ALWAYS be

        right and everyone else ALWAYS be wrong?"

 

confuses love and abuse = he wouldn't ever express confusion about anything openly but he will say "I love you" and anything else he thinks you want to hear way too soon.
        Your girlfriend would say, "He said what?"

 

manipulative = he won't name his best card.  He'll just play it.  If he thinks you will respond to him being an under dog, he will be an under dog.  If he thinks you are looking for adventure, he'll be the bad boy.  If he thinks you are looking for an intelligent man, he will talk about books he's read, and things he has studied.  If he is talking to you on the Internet, he can Google anything and sound very smart.  If he thinks you are into travel, he will talk about all the places he'd like to take you.  Girlfriend, here's your reality.  YOU will be the one that ends up paying for his cure, his motorcycle, his next adventure, books, studies and travel and you will think it is YOUR idea!  Manipulation is his BEST card.
        Hopefully, your girlfriend will freeze your bank account

        and cut up all your credit cards cause you are about to

        be taken for a ride!

 

strives to have a good public image = he will brag about things he has done "for the good of all mankind out of the generosity of his heart".
        Your girlfriend will say, "He said what?" 

feels justified = NO MATTER WHAT he has ever done, good or bad, he will have a good reason for why he did it, even when his reason is FANTASTICALLY RIDICULOUS.  He really believes you are too dumb to know the difference anyway.
        Your girlfriend will say, "He said what?" 

  

deny and minimize abuse = he will describe his previous relationships as liars (just in case you meet them and they tell you the truth about the "tiger in your tank").  He will make it sound like he was the one who was abused and mistreated. 
Aydan hit me and then said he didn't hit me ... that I turned into his fist!  Aydan shoved me down to the floor once and then tried to pass it off as a self-defense class!  He told me once that another girlfriend had run over him with her car.  Later, she told me that he jumped unto the hood of her car, trying to stop her from leaving.  I believe her because he did the same thing to me.  If he isn't friends with even one of his exes, there's probably a very good reason those women won't speak to him.
        At this point, your girlfriend is planning your intervention

        and wondering what you see in that Loser?

 

possessive = this is easy for me to spot now, but I never noticed it when he referred to everything as HIS.  He called the drummer in the band: HIS drummer in HIS band.  He referred to everything like it was HIS property, because that is how he sees it ... and whether you know it or not, you are HIS property too.
        This is where you need to introduce him to every guy

        friend you have. 

        Guys see right through other guys. 

        Listen to your friends!

 

As many times as I talk about this, I know there will be women who say:

"Sure, things get out of hand once in a while but ..."

... It's my fault.
... I talked back to him.
... I shouldn't have provoked him.
... I burned supper.
... I was late getting supper.
... I forgot to pick up his suit at the dry cleaners.
... I forgot to mail the check.
... I bothered him at work.
... He hates his job.

... He is starting a new business.
... He's under a lot of pressure at school, at work, at church,

    with his family ... and as soon as that's over, he'll be fine.

... He hasn't been feeling well.

... He's trying to quit smoking.
... He's on a diet and it makes him crabby.

... His medication is messing with him.

... He hasn't been sleeping very well.
... He had a bad childhood.
... His last relationship was really bad and he is having a hard

    time trusting again.

... I love him.

... He needs me.
... You don't understand him.
... You don't know what he's been through.
... You don't know him like I know him.

... He isn't like that ALL the time.
... What would I do without him?

I could say a great big loud ...
"OH REALLY?"
... but it wouldn't change one thing about where that woman is right now.  I have been there.  I didn't want to give up.  I wasn't a quitter ... until one day ... the abuse went TOO FAR.


Some women will say, "Sure, my guy has a temper but he would NEVER ..."

... hit me

... hit me in the face

... push or shove me

... force me to have sex with him against my will
... rape me or threaten to rape me
... get me pregnant so I won't leave

... beat me with a weapon or threaten to beat me with a

    weapon
... cut me or threaten to cut me

... burn me or threaten to burn me
... break one of my bones or threaten to break one of my

    bones

... shoot me or threaten to shoot me
... kill me or threaten to kill me

I could say a great big loud ...
"Not Yet, But He Will!"
... because abuse doesn't just go away.  It gets worse.  And even though most victims know it will happen again, women go back to their abusers an average of six times because they ...

... don't think it's all that bad and they can handle it.
... think it might be their fault too.
... feel guilty about leaving him.
... don't think they can do any better.
... think it is what a wife or girlfriend is supposed to do,

    whether they are "standing by their man" or they have

    strong religious beliefs or a strong sense of family

    and trying to make things work.
... want their children to have a father.  (They have probably

    not seen how the abuse effects their children yet.)

... have no where else to go or they don't think they do.

... are financially dependant on their husband or boyfriend.

... believe their situation is hopeless.  The longer they stay

    in the abuse, the harder it is to leave.
... may seem weak, but we must always remember that they

    were strong enough to survive, to prevent themselves from

    being killed or seriously injured many, many times.

We can only hope that they (or you) continue to be strong enough to survive until they (or you) are strong enough to say, "NO MORE".