Grief Is Normal

A good friend who read my last post about letting go emailed me and said to give myself time to grieve my losses.  She said that even when we know we are supposed to let go and it is good for everyone concerned, it is natural to feel some loss, even if it is just a little more tired than usual.  Choosing to walk away from the outcome of a situation and not engaging someone in the same way we always have could feel like a loss.  I assured my friend and I want to assure you that I really am okay.  Of course, I will miss my friend who passed away for a long time.  Of course, I will be praying for my daughter and the choices she makes for the rest of my life because that's what Moms do.

The lessons last month were manageable, but it isn't always that way for me and it might not always be that way for you ... so for times when things aren't going well for us, I reviewed what it means to grieve (from a university web-site) and wanted to share it with you. 


Grief and Grieving

Grief is the process by which we adjust to the loss of someone (or something). It is therefore the inevitable companion to our love for and attachment to someone or something which is close to us and has meaning for us. It is important to understand that there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to grieve or experience grief. Everyone will go through the grieving process somewhat differently. There are however some commonalities that most people experience when they have lost a loved one. Emotional numbness, guilt, denial, sadness and anger can all be a part of this process as well as physical manifestations such as sleeplessness, fatigue and a loss of appetite.

Grief is Normal

When someone is grieving, there is usually an intense feeling of sorrow or sadness. The grieving process allows us to accept the loss we feel and go on with our lives. It is important to experience grief after a loss to avoid ‘bottling up’ our feelings. Absence of the grieving process following a loss can cause physical illnesses and emotional problems. Experiencing and working through the grieving process is or can be a painful experience - but necessary to ensure future emotional and physical health.


The Grieving Process

It is generally believed that the grieving process can be less painful if we understand the various stages and see it as a natural and normal part of life. Following are some of the predictable stages – understanding that we all grieve differently and not all people go through all these stages.

• Emotional Numbness: this is often the first reaction to a loss and may last from a few hours to days, weeks or years. The numbness can help us get through those practical arrangements that may have to be made regarding the loss. If the numbness persists, it could pose a problem that should be addressed through professional help.
• Sadness: the emotional numbness usually gives way to an intense sadness, silence, loneliness, and for some people withdrawal from family and friends. This sadness is often accompanied by sudden outbursts of tears and memories associated with the loss. Prolonged sadness can turn into depression which may need professional assistance to be alleviated.
• Anger: during this stage, we feel anger over the loss and its unfairness. We may find ourselves displacing this anger onto others – most often those who are closest to us.
• Guilt: following a loss, many people feel a sense of guilt that is associated with all the things we didn't do or say to the person whom we have lost. It is important to accept our humanness and forgive ourselves in order to proceed with the grieving process.
• Loneliness: as we move on with our life, we begin to experience the loss as a feeling of loneliness (and at times fear). It is important to reach out to others during this time.
• Acceptance: with the passage of time, we begin to accept the loss. This does not mean immediate happiness but rather an acceptance of the reality of the loss.
• Hope: we eventually reach a point in the grieving process where remembering is less painful, ‘let go’ of the loss and begin to look forward to the future.

Length of the Grieving Process

The grieving process can be lengthy and should not be rushed. Its length varies by individual and situation. It is believed that in general, it takes most people one or two years to ‘recover’ from a major loss.

Coping with Grief

There are many things that can be done to cope with the grief that is felt following a loss. It is important to ask for help and support from family and friends – or you may decide to join a grief support group. Discussing your feelings – be they anger, guilt, or sadness openly and honestly helps the grieving process. If your religious convictions are important to you, talk with a member of the clergy about your feelings and beliefs. During this process of grieving, avoid making major decisions as you may not have your usual good judgment. And, give yourself time; it takes time to heal which means you have to be patient with yourself and others.

Unresolved Grief

Some people do not seem to go through the grieving process. They don’t cry at the funeral, they avoid mention of the loss of someone significant and return to normal activities very quickly. This may be their normal way of adjusting to loss and no harm may result. However, others may suffer from physical symptoms or repeated bouts with depression over the ensuing years. Sometimes the demands of family or work do not allow time to grieve. Or, some individuals may begin the grieving process and then get ‘stuck’. In either case, the sense of disbelief seems to be prolonged. It is often advisable for someone who experiences an unresolved grieving process to seek professional help to assist with thisimportant healing process.

Seeking Help

Frequently it is helpful for people who are experiencing grief to talk with someone who can be of assistance. That may be a counselor, a clergy person or your primary care physician. Each can be helpful in addressing and resolving the feelings associated with grief, helping to facilitate the grieving process.

 

 

 

Grief and Grieving | Faculty and Staff Assistance Program |University of Colorado at Boulder