Lessons In Letting Go

 
Recovery can be like buying a brand new pair of shoes!

 

Learning new behaviors can feel like a new pair of shoes.  Some things feel awkward.  Other things feel exactly right.  This past month has been a smorgasbord of delights and trials.  Life is like that for most of us, but when you are in recovery ... or to be more clear, when you are in the process of changing habits that didn't work into habits that do work, delights and trials take on an added dimension.

I am used to living my life through other people.  It is new for me to actually cultivate my own feelings about things.  I have derived great satisfaction from helping other people through out my life, but too much of anything can be a bad thing, and when helping someone else comes ahead of living my own life, the chances are that in those instances, I went too far!

Yesterday, I took you for a walk through our woods and along the creek.  Today, I'd like to take you for a walk through my life, or at least, the past month ...

 

I started off April by learning that a very good friend passed away.  She had fought cancer for years and even though she always seemed like she would beat it, she didn't.  I felt sad for her three little boys, relieved that she wasn't hurting anymore, and a little mad that things didn't work out differently ... I have picked up the phone a dozen times to call her and tell her the "latest goofy thing" ... before I remember that she isn't there ... and then smiling ... because she already knows.  It is hard to lose people to death ... always.  When it is my turn to "walk into the light", I can take some comfort in knowing that there will be many loved ones there waiting for me, but I sure do miss them now.

I guess I did okay with letting my friend go ... but I sure didn't want to.

 

The next thing was a delight.  PapaB and MamaB came for two short days and what a wonderful visitwe had.  There is something oh-so-precious about friends and family who "get us".  We talked and visited about so many things.  We talked about the past ... the present ... the future.  The time went so fast and before I knew it, It was time to say good-bye.  I know we will have other visits but as I watched them drive away, I felt a lump in my throat ...

Sometimes, even when it's only temporary, it's hard to let go ...

 

I got a call a few days later from a friend's daughter.  She is 17 and ran away from home last summer.  She was on her way to the emergency room.  When I got there, I learned that her boyfriend had hit her and left her pretty bruised.  I called her Mom and her Mom made an appointment with her counselor.  Her counselor spoke to her and then, called me back to her office.  There was no place for her to go ... too young for the women's shelter ... too old for the children's shelter ... so I agreed to let her come stay with me for a few days until everyone figured things out, with my friend's permission, of course. 

I brought her home, and for the next three or four days, we talked about abuse, choices, boundaries, abusers, relationships, addiction ... basically all the things I have written about that would be appropriate to share with a teenager.  I asked her questions and let her talk a great deal of the time, giving her examples and ideas as we talked, planting seeds ... It took focus to stay on track and to keep her issues seperate from my issues, but I stayed focused.

I felt really good about helping her and her Mom reconnect, and even though they both felt awkward, they were able to show each other that they truly do love each other, and that is a good first step.  They both wanted to talk through me and I was the go-between for a couple of days, but I told them that they needed to communicate with each other directly.  It is going to be up to both of them to make their relationship work.  They agreed that they would like to try. 

In spite of all the really good conversations, the girl still chose to return to her abusive boyfriend.  I reminded her of the things she had said about taking care of herself and when I saw that she was determined to go back, I told her that I would take her home even though I didn't think she was making a good choice.  She kept asking me if I was mad or if I thought her Mom would be mad.  I told her I couldn't speak for her Mom, but I felt pretty sure that I wanted the same thing her Mom did, and that was for her to be safe, no matter where she is.  When we got there, the boyfriend and his mother came outside.  I was polite and respectful.  I told them I wanted all of them to be safe and I hoped they would all work on that.  I wished them well and drove away.

 

I had done my best, but it was time for me to let go and let God.  It's so hard to be a teenager today.  I don't know what will happen tomorrow or the day after that and I'm pretty sure this young lady hasn't thought too far ahead because who does at 17?  Maybe, she will think about some of the things we talked about.  I hope so.

Sometimes, we know when it is time to let go ...

 

The whole experience reminded me of how much I have learned.  I saw how easy it can be to transfer those lessons into words that can help someone else.  I really do like working with teenagers.  It can be tough, but it can be a real blessing too.



A good friend told me that Aydan (my ex and the man who abused me) had traveled to another country to meet his future wife.  I had a lot of thoughts as I listened ...

• Poor girl.  Sure hope she knows what she's getting into.
• She's grown up in a third world country.  I suppose anything is better than that.
• He finally got the Asian woman he had always fantasized about.
• What an adventure.
• Maybe, the time and investment he has put into this will make him treat this woman better than he has treated everyone else?
• She comes from a male dominated culture and he has always wanted to live in a male dominated world.  Who knows?  It could work.

I monitored my thoughts and feelings as my friend talked and realized that I am in a very different place today.  Aydan threatened my life.  I have hated him, felt sorry for him and wished him much suffering, but part of my healing required forgiveness too.  It felt good and strange to feel absolutely nothing when I heard the news.  I knew him very well once.  I have made a point of learning about and understanding abusers since then.  But, I don't know the future.  

I trust the future to God.  He has blessed my life.  He can bless other people's lives too.  God changed my heart.  God can change other people's hearts too.  It's not my job to worry or fret or speak negative things into someone else's life.  It's not my job to judge anyone else's situation when I have all I can do to maintain my life.  When my friend finished talking, I said from the bottom of my healed heart, "That sounds like quite a life-changing adventure.  I sure hope everything works out for them.  It's time for ALL of us to make something of our lives.  None of us is getting any younger!"

It felt good to say it and mean it ... I let go a long time ago!
  


The biggest test came for me at the end of the month. 

My youngest daughter is following in my footsteps.  She has always liked the bad boys, and the worse their stories, the more she liked them.  Last summer, she brought him to meet us.  There were so many warning bells and red flags, it was hard to enjoy the visit.  Joey and I would look at each other and exchange that look parents do when the kids are in trouble.  They shared their plans.  We expressed our concerns but their minds were made up.  It was hard for me to watch.  It is one thing when I was the one making the mistake, but another thing entirely when I am watching my daughter make the same mistake ...

I shared our concerns with my daughter once more.  I told her that I had to take care of myself by staying in reality, and that I wished she would take better care of herself by being realistic.  I told her we love her.  I told her she was free to do whatever she thought she had to do.  She is old enough to make her own choices and old enough to deal with the consequences of those choices.  I told her that she had called on me to be her rescuer too many times and I wasn't willing to do that anymore.  If she wanted to engage in risky behavior, she would have to do that, knowing that she got herself into it ... she'd have to get herself out.

Gosh, that was hard to do!

It has been months and months of watching her ride the roller coaster.  It hurt to watch and not DO something, but I knew that if I did anything, it would just push her closer to her "perfect" man.  I did the best I could.  I hoped she would come to her senses, but in spite of our best efforts, she married him this past weekend.

It broke my heart. 

 

I don't have the vaguest idea of what I am supposed to do.  I have tried to think of what holidays will be like.  I have wondered how we will be there for her but keep her drama from overwhelming our lives. 

Two of my grandchildren are afraid of him.  I don't want my grandchildren to be afraid of anyone in my home.  I know why they are afraid.  They see what I see.  I don't want to tell them to ignore their instincts because their instincts are good. 

I could make myself sick worrying about it!

 

But ...

This month has been preparing me for what I need to do ...

• I have to thank God for my daughter and know that wherever she is and whatever she does, God is still there.
• I need to focus on the things I can do and not worry about the things I can't do.
• I need to let go of the outcome.  It is up to my daughter to make her life work or not, and if it doesn't work, it is up to her to figure out how to correct that.  It is wrong for me to take what little power she has away by acting like she can't do what she needs to do to take care of herself.  God was there for me.  God can be there for her too.
• If I can allow myself to believe that God can change a man like Aydan, I can allow myself to believe that God can change this man too, not in the co-dependent way my daughter looks at him but from a place of healing and faith.  God is love.  God is bigger than any bad guy.  God has the unique ability to change bad guys into good guys.

I said earlier that I trust the future to God.  He has blessed my life.  He can bless other people's lives too.  God changed my heart.  God can change other people's hearts too.  It's not my job to worry or fret or speak negative things into someone else's life.  It's not my job to judge anyone else's situation when I have all I can do to maintain my life.  Period.  It isn't just in the small things.  It's in the big things.  It isn't enough to trust God with friends and even old enemies.  I have to trust Him with my family too.

Last month was all about letting go.  This month is all about letting God.