Some of you, who have known me for a while, know that I was once a victim of domestic violence. I have written about my healing in hopes that it would plant the seeds of healing elsewhere too.
Lately, I have noticed that people are getting meaner. I have heard people talk about squabbles online, but it happens in real life too. I have stood behind people in lines and listened to them aggressively berate a clerk for something they were unhappy about. I have been in a restaurant when someone at a table next to me hollered at a waitress. I have fielded a few customer service calls where the person on the other line didn't want a solution as much as they wanted to have someone to cuss out. I have overheard the way people talk to each other and I have wondered how it ever got this bad and what would it take to change it?
I would be hard pressed to find one single person who would ever say that child abuse or murder were okay, but I can find 100 who think that their abusive behavior on the telephone, on-line or in the workplace is completely justified! There is no difference! If your behavior creates one more victim ... you are not a part of the solution. You are a part of the problem!
Not to you, you say? You are going to get them before they get you, you say? Well, you're not alone. It appears a lot of people are out to get somebody before somebody gets them!
- She must have asked for it.
- She must have provoked him.
- She deserved it.
- She is just exaggerating to get attention.
- She must be lying. Their partner is such a nice guy.
- She said she just fell.
- People like that are always getting into fights.
- That sort of thing would never happen in my neighborhood.
- That sort of thing would never happen to anyone in my family.
- That sort of thing would never happen to me.
- I'm too smart to fall into that trap.
I could say a great big loud ...
"OH REALLY?"
... because the truth is that anyone can be abused. No one wants to believe that anyone would purposely hurt them, so victims make excuses, downplay the mean comments ... or even pretend nothing is wrong ... But if the abuse continues, their self-esteem suffers, they lose their confidence, they might overcompensate ... going way out of their way to pacify the abuser, they might try to fight back, or they might even try to get away ...
If you think you can spot a victim from a mile away, you might be surprised! Victims are tall, short, skinny, fat, old, young, rich, poor, educated, illiterate, blue collar, white collar ... and no matter where they come from and what their story is, they DO NOT DESERVE what's happening to them.
If you are the victim, you might need time to think. You are where you are. Take a deep breath. Consider your feelings. Think things through. It might be helpful to know that there are myths about abusers too ...
WHY DOES HE DO THAT?
INSIDE THE MINDS of ANGRY and CONTROLLING MEN
by Lundy Bancroft
The abuser creates confusion because he has to. He can't control and intimidate you, he can't recruit people around him to take his side, he can't keep escaping the consequences of his actions, unless he can throw everyone off track. When the world catches on to the abuser, his power begins to melt away.
In one important way, an abusive man works like a magician: His tricks largely rely on getting you to look off in the wrong direction, distracting your attention so that you won't notice where the real action is. He draws you into focusing on the turbulent world of his feelings to keep your eyes turned away from the true cause of his abusiveness, which lies in how he THINKS. He leads you into a convoluted maze, making your relationship with him a labyrinth of twists and turns. He wants you to puzzle over him, to try to figure him out, as though he were a wonderful but broken machine for which you need only to find and fix the malfunctioning parts to bring it roaring to its full potential. His desire, though he may not admit it even to himself, is that you wrack your brain in this way so that you won't even notice the patterns and logic of his behavior, the consciousness behind the craziness.
Above all, the abusive man wants to avoid having you zero in on his abusiveness itself. So he tries to fill your head up with excuses and distortions and keep you weighed down with self-doubt and self-blame.
The mythology about abusive men that runs through modern culture has been created largely by the abusers themselves. Abusive men concoct explanations for their actions which they give to their partners, therapists, clergymen, relatives, and social researchers. But it is a serious error to allow abusers to analyze and account for their own problems. Would we ask an active alcoholic to tell us why he or she drinks, and then accept the explanation unquestioningly? When we hear excuses from a drunk, we assume they are exactly that - excuses. So why should we let angry and controlling men be the authority on partner abuse? Our first task, therefore, is to remove the abusive man's smoke and mirrors, and then set about watching carefully to see what he is really doing.
MYTHS ABOUT ABUSERS (his excuses)
- His previous partner hurt him.
- He abuses those he loves most.
- He holds in his feelings too much.
- He has an aggressive personality.
- He loses control.
- He is too angry.
- He is mentally ill.
- He hates women.
- He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment.
- He has low self-esteem.
- His boss mistreats him.
- He has poor skills in communication and conflict resolution.
- There are as many abusive women as abusive men.
- His abusiveness is as bad for him as his partner.
- He is a victim of racism.
- He abuses alcohol or drugs.
The abuser's mood changes are especially perplexing. He can be a different person fromday to day, or even from hour to hour. At times he is aggressive and intimidating, his tone harsh, insults spewing from his mouth, ridicule dripping from him like the oil from a drum. When he is in this mode, NOTHING his partner says seems to have any impact on him, except to make him even angrier. Her side of the argument counts for nothing in his eyes, and everything is her fault. He twists her words around so that she always ends up on the defensive. She will find herself feeling like she just can't seem to do anything right.
When he is mad at you, does he react by throwing things, punching doors, or kicking the cat? Does he use violent gestures such as gnashing teeth, ripping at his clothes, or swinging his arms around in the air to show his rage? Have you been frightened when he does those things?
Is he willing to take responsibility for those behaviors and agree to stop them, or does he justify them angrily?
Can he hear you when you say that those bad behaviors frighten you, or does he throw the subject back on you, saying that you cause his behaviors, so it's your own problem if you're scared?
Does he attempt to use his scary behaviors as bargaining chips, such as saying that he won't punch walls if you are willing to stop going out with your friends?
Does he deny that he even engaged in the scary behaviors, such as claiming that a broken door was caused by somebody else or that you are making up or exaggerating what happened?
Does he ever make veiled threats, such as "You don't want to see me mad," or "you don't know who you are messing with"?
Is he severely verbally abusive? Research studies indicate that the BEST behavioral predictor of which men will become violent to their partners is THEIR LEVEL OF VERBAL ABUSE.
- He is controlling.
- He feels entitled.
- He twists things into their opposites.
- He disrespects his partner and considers himself superior to her.
- He confuses love and abuse.
- He is manipulative.
- He strives to have a good public image.
- He feels justified.
- Abusers deny and minimize their abuse.
- Abusers are possessive.
The symptoms of abuse are there, and the victim usually sees them: the escalating frequency of put-downs. Early generosity turning more and more to selfishness. Verbal explosions when he is irritated or when he doesn't get his way. His grievances constantly turned around on her, so that everything is her own fault. His growing attitude that he knows what is good for her better than she does. And, in many relationships, a mounting sense of fear or intimidation. But the woman also sees that her partner is a human being who can be caring and affectionate at times, and she loves him. She wants to figure out why he gets so upset, so that she can help him break the patterns of ups and downs.
Victims don't really need an "expert" on abuse to explain their life to them; what they do need above all is some support and encouragement to hold on to their own truth. The abuser wants to deny their victim that experience. He wants to pluck her view of reality out of her head and replace it with his reality. When someone has invaded the victim's identity in this way enough times, the victim naturally starts to lose her balance. But they can find their way back to center.
Mr. Lundy's book has so much good information. Even now, I find myself reading different parts of it. These aren't just lists ... they are warning signs ... things to look for.
If you are living this life, things are pretty bad ... and as scary as it might be to think about, things could even get worse.
Please take care of you.
By the way ... I write with the abuser being male and the victim being female because my abuser was a man and I am a woman but I recognize that women abuse men, men abuse other men and women abuse other women and both sexes have abused children ... Abuse of any kind is wrong.
I do not know your individual story or the challenges you face, but I do know that all victims carry deep hurts ... and I still believe with all my heart that victims can survive and heal and grow past that place, one day at a time ...
I am not a professional counselor and nothing here can take the place of a skilled therapist.
No one has ever been EXACTLY where you are but plenty of us have been close enough to care and understand. You are not alone.
If you have never thought much about abuse because it has never happened to you, I am asking you to consider the possibility that there are people who are being abused and a kind word from you might make all the difference. Please don't add to their pain. Be kind. A little compassion goes a long way.
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