Gathering Myself

I was moving some books when a note fell to the floor ... Over the past few years, I have "found" old letters and notes ... tucked in a book or a folder where I left them.  I thought I had burned all those cards and letters.  I take their appearance as an opportunity for me to look back at where I was and gain even more perspective.  Most of the time, they just confirm that I have been on this road longer than I thought ... 

This was a note I had written to Aydan early in the relationship and way before he threatened me with a gun:



Hello Aydan,

This is important to me, and if it matters to me, it should matter to you.

You called me a WHORE once and I told you that it hurt.  You apologized, and the next time you needed a "handy weapon" in an argument, you pulled out that word again.  When I told you again that it hurt me, your only comment was to say, "Good, if it woke you up!"  It was a mistake for you to ever call me that in the first place, but everyone can make mistakes.  It was intentional the second time.  You knew it would hurt.  You did it anyway, and when confronted, you showed NO REMORSE!

I'm mad at you!

Your refusal to acknowledge you hurt me only means you'll hurt me again, if you think I needed another "wake-up" call!

My wake-up call is ... no matter what I like about you, you're still a JERK!  You called it honesty!  The only problem with that kind of "honesty" is I didn't grow up communicating that way and it hurts me deeply.

I'm not a whore.  I'm better than that.  AND I can do better than you!

So yeah ... you woke me up!  You reminded me that no one has a good excuse to be bad ... that I came looking for someone who could care about me and express himself ... You expressed yourself, but I don't like the way you CHOSE to express yourself with me!

I'm not a whore.  I'm better than that.  AND I can do better than you!

I'm sticking up for myself, because if I don't, who will?

 

I'm not a whore.  I'm better than that. 
AND I can do better than you!




When I started writing here, I thought all I had to do was tell people what I did and how I did it and they would follow me out of the dark ... That wasn't very realistic.  It ignores my own truth ...

• I was reading and had access to good information when I was being abused or I would not have found this note in that book.
  
• I seemed to have had my head on straight about some things.
  
• In spite of good information and a pretty good head on my shoulders, I decided to stay in an abusive relationship for almost two more years.

I was angry with myself for not seeing the truth sooner, but apparently I did see the truth and I chose to stay anyway!  I did what I did.  I knew Aydan would, or at least could, hurt me again and I stayed anyway!  I never trusted him and I stayed anyway!  I didn't introduce him to many people because I was always afraid he'd be a JERK!  He had already proven it to me.  I stayed anyway!  

I forgave myself for staying.  I forgave Aydan for being a JERK. 
I ACCEPTED that everything that happened ... happened for a reason. 

The truth alone wasn't enough to keep me away.  There had been warning signs.  I ignored them.  Things NEVER got better ... They only got worse and worse until it was time to GET AWAY!

I did get away!  All that good information finally left my head and took root in my heart where it became the foundation of my recovery!

I have a friend who took antibiotics BEFORE a surgery so that her healing would be faster and more complete.  All the things I have read before and during the "amputation of Aydan from my life" worked like antibiotics in my healing!  Even in the midst of all that chaos, there were some things already in place ...   

That note fell out of a book by Dr. Phil, who said:


FACT: Everyone of us, you included, has within us everything we will ever need to be, do, and have anything and everything we will ever want and need.

FACT: Your authentic self is there, it has always been there, and it is fully accessible to you.  You are not the exception to this fact.  There are no exceptions.

FACT: The self that now runs your life didn't just happen. 

FACT: Your fictional self is the source of wrong identity and wrong information.

FACT: Your life is not a dress rehearsal.

               (the facts are from SELF MATTERS by Dr. Phillip C. McGraw)


I wrote that letter in response to something Aydan had done years ago.  But, I tucked it into a book I was reading at the time ... only to find it years later in the same book ... where it illustrated EXACTLY that everyone of us already has everything we need.  How many times have I said during recovery, "If I don't stick up for myself, who will?"  It almost makes me laugh to think that Aydan was actually the first person I said that to!  I may not have been in touch with my authentic self all the time, but I see shades of her in that letter!  Instead of being angry that I didn't do this or didn't do that, I am thankful that my authentic self has always been here ...


FACT: Your authentic self is there, it has always been there, and it is fully accessible to you.  You are not the exception to this fact.  There are no exceptions.